Two Forks
by nowforruin
Summary: Story picks up right after Bella jumps in New Moon. Alice actually listened to Edward and didn't see Bella, and Edward never goes to Volterra. Yet with Bella alive and well in Forks, how long is this separation really going to last? AU, mild OOC
1. Robert Frost is a Liar

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

AN: The sequence of events may seem a little off as you move on through the story. It's like that on purpose. I needed things to happen in a certain way to fit the story I wanted to tell. It is intentional that Bella is still in high school even though Edward's been gone for a year. Happy reading! =)

1. Robert Frost is a liar

Robert Frost once wrote, "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both, And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far I could To where it bent in the undergrowth." It's all well and good; I knew where Frost was coming from, but I had to call shenanigans on his ending: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less traveled by."

Frost is a liar.

The road "less traveled by" is the hard road. Nothing has been tested, and no safety net is waiting to catch you when you fall. Maybe it's because I had never known a yellow wood – only green, green, green – but having looked down two very different paths, I chose the easy one, with smooth, even paths and a calm, reassuring voice to guide my way.

Waiting in the midst of this green, just on the edge of a familiar, worn path, I recalled the very moment I had made the decision, the day I had picked my path.

I had a moment of stupidity, that much should be admitted. With a hurricane blowing up the Pacific coast, I had thought it an ideal day to try out cliff jumping. At maybe a hundred pounds soaking wet, sometimes lifting the grocery bags from the bed of my truck gave me difficulty. Looking back on that moment, I must have been out of my mind. I definitely had been earlier in the year. And why? _Edward_.

Thinking his name brought on a familiar ache, deep in my torso. It was no longer the yawning chasm it had once been, but instead a dull throb, a scar I knew I would never lose. The wound had healed but the memory of it was burned into every fiber of my being, searing the nerve endings so that it was impossible for them to ever return to their former abilities to feel. He wasn't coming back. It had been nearly a year; Forks was buzzing with teenage anxiety as August drew to a close and for some, their final year of high school was about to begin.

I closed my eyes and leaned back against the damp moss of a tree, forcing myself to remember the breaking point. I had jumped off that cliff – and I could only admit it with distance – at a true low. I couldn't have Edward, so I found ways to bring a very real-feeling delusion to life. Jumping off that cliff, in that weather, would have infuriated him, and in my mind his velvet voice screaming at me had been pure bliss. The current had thrashed me against rocks and waves, tearing, shredding, and still I had clung to the soft growl in his voice.

But it was the very real concern in Jacob's eyes when he had hauled me up from the beach that actually happened that day. Edward didn't cry out for my safe return; he didn't appear to rescue me. Jacob did. Yet even then, I hadn't been ready to let go.

Jacob had brought me home, forced me to change my clothes, and adopted a semi-permanent position on my couch, arms firmly wrapped around me. His warmth was soothing after the blistering cold of the ocean. My body was so exhausted I gave in and snuggled up closer to him, too tired to care about how he would take it. I drifted in and out of sleep, until the shrilling of the phone woke me.

"Hello?" I asked hoarsely into the phone, my throat still raw from the salt water I had inhaled. "Hello?" Still no answer. "Hello?" I asked again, clutching the phone to my ear. It was dead silent on the other end; whoever it was, they weren't breathing.

"Hang up, Bells," Jacob murmured softly, reaching to take the phone from me. "It's probably just a wrong number."

"No!" I shouted stubbornly, yanking the phone away from his out-stretched hand, the shout scraping harshly against my raw throat. There were only a handful of people I knew who didn't have to breathe, who could maintain that dead of a silence. "Edward?" I asked softly into the phone, tears pricking my eyes. Maybe Alice had seen me jump the cliff? Maybe she thought something had happened? _Maybe Edward still cared enough to check on me?_

"Edward?" I pled again, the tears starting to stream silently down my cheeks. "Please, please say something!" There was a soft click and the silence was replaced by a dial tone. "Edward," I whispered as Jacob slowly reached for the phone, one by one unraveling my fingers from where they gripped the receiver in a choke hold. The tears fell freely, gushing from my already bloodshot eyes with no sign of letting up. "I know it was him!" I insisted, watching Jacob's face as he pulled the phone away from me. "I know it, Jake, don't look at me like that!"

"Bella." His voice was strained, like it was taking all of his effort to maintain composure. The anger burning in his eyes as he finally turned to me made it even more obvious. "It wasn't Edward. You know it. I know it. It's been months."

"No," I insisted, choking down a sob. I wiped furiously at the tears still falling unchecked down my cheeks. "No, it was! Alice, she, she would have seen and he would…I mean, what if she only saw me jump, but she didn't see you rescue me?" I begged, appealing to Jacob. I hadn't told him about Edward's voice, which I had by then slowly come to accept as a delusion. It wasn't real, and somewhere, deep down, I knew seeking it out was going to have long term consequences if I didn't start to get a grip.

Jacob was silent, staring at me with a dark, brooding frown. He remained still for a long moment before he sighed heavily and reached for me. I was too tired, too weak to fight, and didn't bother to resist as he wrapped me in his long arms, resting his chin on my forehead. His fingers stroked my tangled hair gently, every now and then reaching down to wipe the tears still steadily falling against his T-shirt. He smelled of the sea as I buried my face against his chest, defeat coursing through me. Of course he was right. It wasn't Edward. The Edward I knew would never have been satisfied with a phone call; he would have appeared on my doorstep, demanded to know if I was alright, to see for himself. The ache in my chest ripped wide, the hole I had been desperately trying to sew back up burst, and I gasped for air, the sobs tearing me apart. I was sure when I looked up, Jacob would still be there, but covered in pieces of me.

"He's really not coming back, is he?" I gasped, clutching Jacob as wave after wave of pain slammed into me. It was like being trapped in the current all over again, except I knew there was no one who could save me. It was a current was stronger than any ocean, hurricane be damned, and it was unrelenting. It had threatened to pull me under time and time again, but I knew its pull like a lover's touch. "I thought… I thought…"

"Bella," Jacob said slowly, pulling me back from his chest. His jaw was tight, his eyes darker than usual as they sought mine. I avoided his gaze for a long moment before giving up, letting myself be trapped by the power in it. His almond skin was pulled taut against his cheeks, tension rippling in his shoulders. "Bella, did you jump off that cliff because you thought it would _make him come back?!" _

I opened my mouth to speak, but then instantly snapped it shut. The pain and fear pouring from Jacob's gaze was too much. I wanted to lie. I wanted to insist that no, I jumped off that cliff because I was bored, because I wanted to see what it was like, maybe even admit to the delusion voice, but I stopped. Because it would all be a lie – and lying to Jacob was something I couldn't do. He had been my only comfort in the long months, had never once complained about my abysmal moods, or my new found aversion to simple things like the radio.

When I remained silent, he reached for me again, his callused palm gripping the side of my face, forcing me to hold his gaze. "Bella," he begged, desperation entering his voice, a tinge of fear coating the word. "Bella, please."

"Yes," I finally whispered, admitting the truth as much to myself as to him. I _had_ hoped, somewhere deep down, that such an act of stupidity would bring him back. I remembered his demand in the woods, making me promise not to do anything stupid, to be safe, and I had hoped that such a violation of that promise would bring him running. Of course it hadn't. Promises didn't matter as much to Edward as they did to me. I recalled, vividly recalled, making him promise not to leave me…and him agreeing. But he had broken that promise. What did it matter if I didn't keep any of mine?

But the truth hurt. It hurt all over again, remembering that day in the woods, the way it felt like I was dying and being forced to live through it. Edward's amber eyes burned my memory, pierced the last remaining vestige of hope I held buried deep within me, and shredded it. My body shook against Jacob, the tears and despair violently jostling me like a roller coaster ride from hell.

"Bella…" Jacob sighed into my hair, his own voice strained with emotion. I could hear the rage, but more than that, I could hear how I was breaking his heart by going to pieces. I had been so careful in front of him, keeping it together, hiding all of my pain deep enough to suffer alone. But there was no stopping any of it that afternoon; I had lost all control over my movements as I shuddered through each fresh round of sobs.

We sat on the couch like that for minutes, hours, I couldn't tell. At some point Charlie came home and had a furious, whispered conversation with Jacob, but he eventually let us be. I alternated between breathless sobs, clinging to Jacob like he was the only thing tethering me to the world and then lapsing into long, numb silences while the pain washed through me, burning much like I had suspected the venom would have, had Edward stayed.

Yet when it faded, hours later, I was cried out. My body felt like a pile of ash, like an all consuming wildfire had razed my veins and left behind only dust. Sluggishly imaging my veins clogged with ash, I turned my gaze back to Jacob. His arms were still around me, but at some point in my silence he had fallen into an exhausted sleep, my emotional breakdown and his rescue finally too much for one day. I knew I should apologize to Charlie, who undoubtedly had been filled in on my latest stunt by Billy sometime in the last few hours, but for once, I let the selfish desire to put it off win. I watched Jacob sleep for a few moments, his head thrown back against the couch, lips slightly parted. Dark bruises showed under his eyes, nothing like the terrible purple color frequently painting Edward's skin, but dark enough to make me worry.

I tentatively reached out, a sudden urge coming over me to feel his heated skin under my touch as I shook off the stupor. I reached for his hair, which he was slowly growing back out, undoubtedly due to my preference for it that way. The usual softness was caked with saltwater, but I didn't notice. What startled me was how in his sleep, my touch brought two reactions from Jacob: first, his arms which had held me the entire time tightened, pulling me closer to his chest and second…his face tiled toward my touch, seeking it out. I watched, fascinated at his vulnerability, at the way his emotions were clearly on display.

All of our small movements finally stirred him from his sleep, his eyes cracking open to study me sleepily. "Hey," he mumbled, removing his arms from around my waist and stretching high above his head. The sudden coolness jabbed back at the hole in my chest and set it aching all over again. I hurriedly cuddled closer to him, terrified of the wracking grief returning anew. I didn't answer his greeting, instead pressing myself closer to him, burying my face in his neck. His scent was nothing like Edward's; Jacob smelt more _real._ I could smell the remnants of the ocean, the earthy smell of the woods and the faint hint of sweat, all mixed into the delicious scent of Jacob's skin that was indescribable. It would never hypnotize me the way Edward's had, but there was something undeniable in its pull.

"Bella?" Jacob asked, concern lacing his voice. He gently pulled my face back from his neck, both hands firmly cupping my cheeks. His eyes bore into mine, confusion mired with…hope? "Bells, c'mon, talk to me."

"He's not coming back," I said after a long pause, hating how flat and dead, and incredibly raw my voice sounded, even to myself. "He's really, _really_, not ever coming back. None of them are…" I trailed off, squeezing my eyes shut against the threat of tears rising again. I knew Edward was gone. I had tried desperately to accept that, but a part of me had hoped to maybe see Alice again. But the afternoon had confirmed it; Alice wasn't coming back either. I would never see the fatherly concern in Carlisle's again, be enveloped in the warmth of Esme's embrace, or watch Emmett gloat over Xbox. The future I had dreamed of, the _family_ I had hoped for as my own, it was all gone. All that was left were the painful memories and the wrenching hole gaping in my chest where once upon a time the capacity to love had resided.

"I'm sorry…" Jacob mumbled, drawing me close to him again. I took a deep breath, willing the tears to go away, and desperately prayed I wouldn't cry again. I finally noticed it was dark in the living room, the sound of rain pitter-pattering against the glass. The house was silent. I had no idea what time it was, but there wasn't a trace of Charlie stirring. I guessed it was very late.

I was suddenly stifling, suffocating. I pushed Jacob away, greedily sucking air into my lungs. I felt like the walls were closing in, panic setting in. _Is this an anxiety attack?_ I wondered, gasping for air again.

"Bella!" Jacob hissed, quickly sitting up and reaching for me. His touch only made it worse; I shoved myself from the couch, the room spinning with a sudden dizziness. I didn't bother with shoes, or a jacket; I just blindly groped for the door until I was on the porch, the rain instantly soaking through my T-shirt as I stumbled down the stairs. By the time Jacob had followed me out, I was thoroughly preoccupied being sick all over the driveway. The tears had come back as my stomach heaved, expelling what little bit had been in it, as the rain ran streaming down my cheeks.

Jacob was silent as he slowly dragged me up from the driveway, my hair dripping rain water down his shoulders as I clung to him again, letting him lead me back to the cover of the porch. I was grateful he didn't try and force me back into the house. Judging by the lack of lights on in any of the surrounding houses, my assumption it had to be very late was confirmed. Instead, he folded me into his lap on one of the giant Adirondack chairs on the porch, enveloping me in a strangely comfortable damp warmth. The tears left as suddenly as they had reappeared and the numbness crept back in, soothing the throbbing edges of the wound in my chest. Even with Jacob's arms surrounding my own, gripping tightly to keep my body intact, I still felt like I could fall apart at any moment.

We both fell asleep at some point, because the next thing I knew the sun was rising, the sky pink in patches free of the ever present storm clouds. I watched for a long moment, marveling at the contrast of brilliant pink and angry gray. As I turned my gaze back to Jacob, I found his eyes open, his gaze concentrated on my face. "Bella…" he breathed sleepily, bringing one hand to my hair. It was snarled from the rain, but he gently wound his fingers into the knots, bringing me closer to him. His eyes held mine intently, and I couldn't quite place what I saw there. Concern, fear, worry, those were clear after nearly an entire day's worth of them, but they were colored with traces of something else, something more…determination?

I knew what was going to happen before it did, but I didn't bother to stop it. Jacob's lips were quite suddenly on mine, and I marveled at their softness. Kissing Edward was amazing in its own way, but it was a strange sensation to kiss lips that didn't _give_. I could feel Jacob's lips molding around mine as the kiss continued, my own mouth paralyzed against his. A thousand different thoughts were running through my mind in that moment; painful thoughts of kissing Edward, unable to stop the comparison my mind was making between the two of them…and the urge to kiss back.

Emotionally exhausted, all attempt at self control faded. I gave in to the warmth of Jacob, to the desire to just _feel_ something. Already curled into his lap, I pressed against him, returning the kiss with vigor. He felt the shift in my mood and crushed his mouth more firmly against mine, tangling his fingers into my hair even as my own fingers curled around the back of his neck, drawing him closer, closer, closer. His mouth opened under mine almost instantly, with only the slightest encouragement. I was amazed at the new experience; Edward never allowed himself to kiss me like that, but Jacob didn't care. His tongue assaulted mine, dove into my mouth, licked at my lips before allowing me to chase him back. With one hand still securely on the back of his neck, my other hand fell to his T-shirt, gathering a fistful of the fabric tightly as I gasped against him. His mouth left mine, tracing a path down my jaw, softly murmuring my name as he kissed lightly down my neck, nuzzling his lips against my collarbones. I gasped at the sensation, the way his tongue darted out every now and then to taste my skin.

"You don't know how much I've dreamed of this," Jacob whispered against my ear, his breath hot, his lips brushing against my skin and making me shiver. "You're so beautiful…"

I pulled away slightly, drawing a shaky breath as I stared into his eyes. He wasn't Edward. I wasn't sure I would ever feel the way I had about him about anyone again. But Jacob…Jacob had a place in the ruins of my heart; it was impossible to deny it any more. He knew I was damaged goods and he wanted me anyway. In that one moment, wound together on a chair on my father's porch, Jacob had made me feel _something_ again. Maybe in time I could be fully recovered; maybe in time I could think of Edward without hurting. But he wasn't coming back, and holding out for that wasn't going to get me anywhere.

"Jake…" I began hesitantly, his arms still tightly around me. We were inches apart as I spoke, our lips nearly touching. He looked like he wanted to say something, but stopped when I turned my eyes back to his, begging. _Please just let me say this_, I pleaded silently. "I… I don't want to hurt you…"

"I know what I'm doing," he whispered, his voice husky. His lips reached forward and brushed against mine, very lightly. He pulled back, planting another kiss against my forehead and tucking me protectively back against his chest. "I don't expect anything from you, Bells. I know how badly he's hurt you, and I know you can't snap your fingers and make the pain go away. All I can say is that I won't hurt you like that, I'll never leave you and we'll…well, we'll just…we'll go at your pace, ok?"

I grinned happily at the memory, leaning back against the bark of a tree on the edge of Charlie's yard. I could hear the snapping of twigs on the path and knew Jacob would be there momentarily. He had explained to me that though he was perfectly capable of silence, he thought it was polite to give me a proper warning when sneaking through my father's backyard. Within moments, he was there, breathing heavily from his run, clad only in a pair of cut-off black sweatpants. For once, it wasn't actually raining, and the warmth of August had allowed me to emerge from the house in jean shorts and a thin tank top. Jacob's eyes ran over me appreciatively once, before pulling me tightly against him. His lips found mine, and I wrapped myself tightly into his arm, loving the warmth and the safety I felt in his arms.

My biggest concern had simply become how difficult the AP classes I had signed up for were going to be, or if I was finally going to lose my temper and punch Lauren in her pretty little face. The sunlight filtered down through the trees, making my pale skin glow and Jacob's tan just a little deeper. As he pulled away, sliding his fingers through mine, a slight shiver went down my spine. He raised one eyebrow at me, a mischievous twinkle in his eye as he paused, ghosting his fingers down along my neck and eliciting another shiver. His merry laughter echoed around the forest as he pulled me back, and I forced a grin, burying myself against his chest as we started into the wood. I was too terrified to explain to him the first shiver had nothing to do with his touch.


	2. Scars are souvenirs you never lose

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

2. Scars are souvenirs you never lose

I really, really should have been worried about those AP classes instead of strolling through the late afternoon sun with Jacob. Sitting in class the Tuesday after Labor Day, I was trying to control my inner panic while looking at the syllabus in front of me. _At least it's consistent_, I thought wryly. We would read one book every two weeks and have five to seven page papers due the following Friday. It was an entire semester of reading and writing. It definitely wasn't like the year before where I could knock off half the assignments by having already read the book. It was a whole new level of unfun.

_Sorry Jake_, I mentally apologized, running my eyes down the list again. These were _long_ books. And hard. _Paradise Lost_? _Tom Jones_? _The Iliad and Odyssey in their entirety? Does this guy seriously think I don't have other classes?_ I wondered, glancing around the room at the shock and dismay most of my classmates had all over their faces. Angela's gaze met mine for a short moment and I could tell by the look on her face her thoughts mirrored mine.

I sighed heavily, wishing I had been in a more stable state when I chose my classes for the year. AP this and AP that was going to make it a very long senior year. But then again, half of my college acceptances were hanging on vast improvements in this year's grades over last year's. Getting out of Forks immediately hadn't become quite such a strong desire, but the thought of running off to Hawaii, with its endless sunshine, had become very appealing again. Jacob's sister was going to school there too, so visits would be frequent. Sure, I would miss Jacob, but I couldn't tie myself to Forks for him. _Look at where it got my mother with my father._ _And look where it got me with Edward_, I thought bitterly, shoving my English notebook into my bag a little more forcefully than was really necessary. _I would have stayed in this lonely, cold, rainy town to be with him. Not that he returned the favor._

In the months since I had jumped from the cliff, my sorrow, the pain deep inside of me had twisted and turned until it was a slow simmering rage. I hid it from Jacob like I had hid my pain before it, but every now and then some small moment brought it to the front. _How dare Edward do this to me? It'll be like he never was? How exactly does that work?_ Ripping his photo out of my scrapbook hadn't erased the memories; the gaping hole in my truck where a stereo used to be didn't rip out the way his eyes had held mine.

_I really should let Jake fix that_, I thought wearily as I followed the crowd into the hallway. I really didn't want the reminder of Edward anymore. I had to smile remembering Emmett's cackle from the garage as he installed the stereo on my birthday, but he wasn't coming back either.

I reached my locker, leaning for a long moment against the cool metal. It was exhausting thinking about anything Cullen. I was happy with Jake, not like I had been with Edward of course, but I had found a sort of melancholy contentment. My friends liked him, he was easy going, and our dads were ecstatic. I was comfortable with him. I loved the cozy afternoons we spent in the makeshift garage behind Billy's house, Jake working on his car, me curled up with a blanket, a good book, and a never ending supply of warm orange soda. I supposed I could still have those afternoons, but now the reading was not going to be nearly as enjoyable. _Stupid AP English. _

"Hey, Bella," Mike Newton greeted, startling me as he walked up. I had been deeper in thought than I had realized. "Are you and Jake still coming down to the beach with us this weekend?" he asked, his blond hair falling into his eyes as he leaned forward. Jessica was next to him, their fingers entwined once more, but who knew for how long. Breaking up and getting back together on a regular basis had sort of become their thing. Jessica leaned against him, her blond hair running down his shoulder.

Getting back on good terms with my friends had been exhausting, but Charlie had been right about one thing. Making Edward my entire life had been a mistake. I wasn't going to do the same thing with Jacob, and luckily for me, Jacob's personality leant itself much better to group socializing. It had taken a long time, but things finally were back to normal between me and the group I fit into. Lauren was, and always would be, a lost cause. But it was nice to have Jessica to talk to, Angela to study with, and Mike just brought laughter with him wherever he went. Jacob had made it easier on me, agreeing to many group dates, and no one could resist his charm or ability to make himself right at home. Jacob was never going to see Mike the way he saw his friends out on the reservation, but they bordered on chummy. It made my life especially easier when Mike was friends with my boyfriend; he had finally stopped harassing me, which in turn made life as Jessica's friend easier, too.

"Definitely," I confirmed, forcing a smile at each of them. Thinking about the past made it difficult to smile, difficult to will myself into the here and now. _.Back._ I thought firmly, forcing the smile wider as my eyes met Jessica's. "The weather said sun, too! It should be warm."

"Of course it did," Jessica said with a laugh, turning our group toward the cafeteria. "Haven't they said that the last five times we've gone to the beach? And all it does is rain!" She made an exaggerated pout, turning up to Mike like she expected sunshine to come pouring from his blue eyes. "It would be so nice for a sunny day!" She sighed wistfully, settling into her seat at the lunch table. My eyes flickered to the back corner and then quickly back to our table. It was a habit that was hard to break.

Angela arrived moments later, settling in next to me. "No lunch today Bella?" she asked, a hint of concern in her voice. I glanced down at the empty place in front of me, realizing I hadn't bothered to get anything to eat.

"Nah, not really hungry. That English syllabus made me a tad nauseous," I tacked on before she could ask me why. I pulled a can of Red Bull out of my bag and sipped on that. Energy drinks and I had made fast friends over the summer. Coffee made me jittery, and I didn't particularly like the taste, but I'd had one too many sleepless nights to function in the days. These days, I could probably drink any number of energy drinks before bed and still fall asleep. It didn't even matter I slept alone.

Jacob had picked up where Edward left off, silently swinging himself through my bedroom window to spend the night curled up on my narrow bed with me. Unfortunately for us, Jacob slept deeply, unlike Edward's silent vigilance throughout the night. Charlie had come in to check on me one night after hearing a loud crash. (Jacob's arm had knocked into my alarm clock and sent it sprawling. A twin bed was really not big enough for him by himself, never mind with me there.)

He had called Billy, who had been obliged to come get Jacob. Charlie didn't exactly know Jacob was capable of running home much faster than it would take poor Billy to maneuver himself into a car and drive over. We had gotten a two a.m. lecture about lying and sneaking around behind their backs, though the laughter in Billy's eyes couldn't have been more evident. Charlie just looked embarrassed. He really didn't want to have the conversation either, but I could tell he felt it was his duty as a parent to lecture upon finding his teenage daughter in bed with her boyfriend, in the middle of the night no less.

After that he had taken to periodically opening my door in the middle of the night to make sure I was alone, and Jake and I had decided not to chance it. We had tried the usual teenage routine, but that had failed too. I told Charlie I was spending the night at Jessica's, approved my plan with her, and Jacob had snuck me into his house. Billy caught us, and though he was much less inclined to lecture us, had reminded me how hurt my father would be by my lying to him. That had been the end of that.

Not that I entirely minded. With Edward, there had always been a larger, much more overwhelming barrier on our hormones that kept us mostly in line. Jacob and I didn't have that. I knew I wasn't anywhere near ready to take such a big step with him, but in the heat of the moment my thoughts weren't always so clear. Things in the first month with Jacob had already progressed physically beyond where Edward and I had made it in six, and it had become more and more difficult to tell him, and myself, no. It had also helped that with Edward, he had a level of self control far beyond mine. Jacob didn't.

_Stop comparing them_, I chided myself mentally, sipping on the Red Bull and half-listening to Mike and Jessica's story about a new set of rocks they had found to climb at La Push when the tide was out. _They are very, very different people. Comparing oranges and apples would get you just as far_, I told myself firmly, playing with the tab of my drink. _Stop it._

But even as I tried to banish Edward from my thoughts – again – I couldn't help but wonder why I had to. Wasn't it normal to compare your ex with your new boyfriend? Didn't normal girls compare who was the better kisser, who was the better boyfriend? Just because losing Edward had nearly killed me, did that mean I was exempt from those comparisons?

"Bella?" Angela's voice broke through my thoughts, and I looked up, startled. Everyone was staring at me. _Shit_, I thought, _they were definitely asking me something and I wasn't paying attention._

"Huh? Sorry, I was just sort of lost in my thoughts," I apologized, laughing awkwardly. I bit down on my lower lip, wondering if I sounded as crazy to them as I did to myself. _Less time in my own thoughts, more time in the real world._ "What did you ask?"

Jessica stared at me for a long moment, her eyes narrowed and flashing with annoyance. I remembered how much it irritated her when she thought she wasn't being paid attention to, and focused on her more intently. She rolled her eyes, heaved a huge sigh like it was a major inconvenience to have to repeat herself, and slowly said, "Is Jacob going to take you to the Homecoming Dance this year?"

I blinked, stunned. It was the first day of school and they were already talking about a dance? Did our football team even have their game schedules yet? "Jess, I have no idea. I don't even know when the dance is."

"October third," she promptly answered, Lauren's eyes shooting nasty glares at me. "Remember? I _told_ you I was on the decorations committee this year."

"Oh," I answered, feeling guilty all over again. I dimly remembered Jessica's excitement over the dance, but I had begun to tune out the conversation as soon as I had realized we were talking about a dance. It had been on a group outing, and Jacob's fingers had been lazily tracing patterns down my neck and back. Jessica's babbling about a school dance had seemed very unimportant. "I guess I forgot. I'll talk to him about it."

"Ew, no, you can't do that!" she exclaimed, her eyes widening in shock. "He has to ask you! It's how it works. What kind of boyfriend doesn't ask his girlfriend to the Homecoming Dance?!" She tossed her hair over her shoulder and beamed at Mike. "Mike asked me two weeks ago!"

_Probably because you haven't shut up about it for at least a month,_ I thought wryly to myself, my eyes meeting Mike's. _At least he looks apologetic_. I took a deep breath, willing myself not to tell Lauren not to look so pleased. "Jacob doesn't go here, Jess, remember? They don't have homecoming out on the rez."

"No excuse!" she replied merrily, her eyes alight. "Drop hints! Tell him you're going dress shopping this weekend with us!"

Dress shopping. Our last adventure in dress shopping had not gone so well. I had been nearly raped in Port Angeles by a group of thugs, narrowly saved by Edward. Jessica and Angela didn't know about it, but the thought of a repeat occurrence sent a shiver down my spine. Especially because there would definitely not be an Edward rescue if I got myself in trouble again. Not to mention I was scheduled to work that weekend at the Newton's store.

"I have to work this weekend," I said gently, my eyes fixed on Jessica's, lest she think I was blowing her off. She had mostly forgiven my momentary crazy lapse the year before, but on occasion she still gave me looks like I was lucky to be forgiven, so try not to be a bad friend again. "I can't call out last minute to go dress shopping."

"Mike will switch with you," she said firmly, and Mike's face fell. I knew he had plans for the weekend beyond the beach, and they didn't include working. He had been excited to have a weekend off. I knew from some of our conversations at work that it got to him, working and living with his parents. It was a bit much on the family time, regardless of how much he liked his parents.

"No, it's fine Jess, we can go some other time. Or I can go by myself if you're really set on going this weekend," I tacked on, trying to find a way to appease her. My eyes met Mike's, and I silently begged for him to back me up. I really, really, did not want to go dress shopping with Jessica. The whole month of September ached inside me and was a constant reminder of the year before. My birthday would mark one year since my relationship with Edward had, for all intents and purposes, been over. It was not a happy anniversary.

"Bella, it's fine, don't worry about it. Last time you guys went dress shopping it didn't go so well, so this will be better!" he said brightly, wrapping his arms around Jessica.

_Damn you, Mike_, I thought bitterly, biting down on my bottom lip hard to keep from saying anything. I could feel the color draining from my face. Last time we had gone dress shopping had been the night Edward and I had really talked for the first time. In my mind, it had always been our first date, planned to be or not. I had a lot of memories, and mixed emotions, about the entire adventure; I had all but forgotten the main reason I had gone to Port Angles had been to help pick dresses for the girl's choice dance.

Everyone fell silent as they stared at me, waiting to see how I would react. I had felt the table jolt sharply as Jessica elbowed Mike in the ribs. You idiot, her eyes seethed at him when I looked up. As a rule, no one brought up Edward, or anything Cullen related in front of me. It had bothered me a bit, but in truth, I was also incredibly grateful to be able to focus on something else in front of my friends.

I exhaled sharply, trying to be quiet about it. "Thanks, Mike," I said slowly, twisting the tab of my drink around and around as I spoke. "I appreciate it. I owe you one. What time did you want to go, Jess?"

Her face instantly brightened when she saw Mike's comment was going to be ignored. I couldn't look at Angela. There would be pity on her face and I couldn't stand to be pitied. Lauren looked like a cat who had just eaten a canary, yellow feathers spouting out her mouth and all. I cracked a smile picturing it, her stupid smirk marred by feathers. A girl can dream. "Let's go Friday night!" she exclaimed, and instantly launched into a detailed plan of attack. Figuring it was safe to tune out everything beyond what time she was picking me up, I relaxed back into my thoughts until the bell rang.

Jacob was waiting for me on the porch when I got home, the truck lumbering into the driveway. His car was nowhere in sight, so I figured we weren't going anywhere. He had a serious expression on his face, and was deep in thought when his eyes met mine. It wasn't a good sign.

"Hey," I greeted cheerfully, wishing he would show just a little more enthusiasm at seeing me. It had been a stressful day and I was ready to fall into Jacob's arms and forget about it for a little while. The look on his face made that less likely to happen.

"We have a problem," he said without preamble. He didn't bother to get up out of the chair he was sitting in as I stood in front of him on the porch. He also didn't look up, which troubled me more. Dropping my bag on the floor, I leaned back against the rail and took a deep breath.

"Are you planning to tell me what that problem is?" I asked steadily, trying to keep the impatience out of my voice. It was not the day to play games.

"There's a vampire trying to get to you," he said after a long pause, and now his eyes finally met mine. They were burning with rage.

"You said so yourself, Edward isn't coming back," I answered, speaking slowly to keep the shaking out of my voice. Meanwhile, my thoughts were racing. Edward was back? What would I say to him? Could I face him? Did he come back for me? What would I say to Jacob? What would I do? Could it ever be right with us again?

"Not Cullen," he spat, the rage burning more fiercely in his eyes, now colored by hurt. "But of course your thoughts would go to that bloodsucker first." His fingers clenched into fists as he leaned forward, his entire body tense and shaking very slightly. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized the colossal effort it was taking for Jacob to keep his temper and his human form. But his words had cut deep and I was in no mood to help him.

"That was low," I said instead, fighting to keep tears from rising. Why was Jacob being so hurtful? It wasn't like him. He had been nothing but understanding, and kind, and gentle, about the entire Edward mess up until that moment. _Where is this malice coming from?_

"It was true." He stood, towering over me as he came closer. His arms came down on either side of me against the rail, effectively trapping me where I was. He studied me for a long moment, his eyes racing over my face, taking in my posture, trailing down and back up. My eyes were filling with tears and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The stress of the day, the nastiness of Jacob, and the hope and instant disappointment were too much. "When are you going to give up on him?"

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, biting down on my lip so hard I tasted blood. My fingers curled around the edge of the rail, nails biting into the rain-softened wood. I could feel Jacob's breath against my cheek; he was so close I could feel the heat radiating off him in the waves of anger. The tension between us was nearly unbearable but I refused to speak. I didn't trust my voice. When it became clear I wasn't going to answer him, Jacob backed off, throwing himself back down into the chair. I didn't have to open my eyes to see his scowl.

Counting silently to ten, I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. Jacob looked sullen, his arms folded against his broad chest, hands still clenched into fists. His hair was falling into his eyes, which refused to look at me. Mostly, he looked like a child having a temper tantrum.

Surprised at the viciousness of my own thoughts, I took another deep breath and asked, "So is our problem Edward or is there another reason you're here, acting like this?"

His gaze snapped back to mine. "You know, I remember when you couldn't even stand to say his name," he replied nastily.

"You're being a real asshole," I said after a long pause. I reached down, grabbed my school bag and slung it over my shoulder. "I'm going inside to start on the mountain of homework I have. And to try and de-stress from my terrible day you know nothing about because you didn't bother to ask. And when you get over yourself, maybe then you can tell me what this giant problem is that was so big it could wait until after you had a temper tantrum about my ex."

I stomped into the house, flinging the door shut behind me. It connected with the frame with a very satisfying bang as I marched into the kitchen, throwing my bag onto the table and leaning back against the counter. I was fuming. I had spent a lot of my relationship with Edward controlling my emotions, forcing myself to accept his opinions, and realizing Edward would be getting his way more often than not. I refused to do it with Jacob. It wasn't really his fault my fuse had become irrevocably shortened by Edward, but he knew that going in. And I certainly wasn't in any kind of mood to apologize after his outburst.

With a sigh, I reached into the freezer, staring idly at its contents to try and calm down. I finally decided to take out some chicken for dinner. I'd make a casserole, put it in the oven to bake, and start on my first reading assignment while it cooked away. It took a minute to dig past the latest batch of fish, but finally I had the chicken in hand and reached to close the freezer door.

And promptly shrieked.

"Jacob!" I shouted, throwing the chicken into the sink. ".Fuck."

At least he had the decency to look mildly sheepish standing in my kitchen. I supposed he had decided we were done being polite for the day and it would be ok to sneak up on me. But then he opened his mouth and ruined it. "Look, we've apparently got some other things to talk about, but I came here about something too important to leave without telling you." I nodded, leaning back against the counter and wrapping my fingers around the cool edge of the stainless steel sink. I didn't like the serious tone in his voice. "Some red head bitch, who isn't very smart, seems determined to get at you."

"Victoria," I whispered, my knees giving out. Jacob was suddenly there, holding me up. The rage went out of me; everything went out of me. I supposed a mush pile on the floor would shortly be where jean-clad me currently stood. "Her name is Victoria."

"You know this bloodsucking bitch? Is she one of Edward's friends? Was he not content to destroy you emotionally?" Jacob ranted, drawing back from me. His arms were still supporting me, but he was holding himself away, almost as if he didn't want to touch me. His eyes were murky brown, flashing with rage and hurt all mixed into one.

"Edward killed James," I said slowly, numbness creeping back into my mind. _Is this what shock feels like?_ "James was her mate. She doesn't…she doesn't know Edward and I aren't… She doesn't know," I finally whispered, my eyes meeting Jacob's.

"So tell her," he answered simply.

"It won't work like that. She's not stupid, Jacob. And I think she feels like she owes it to James, to ya know, finish what he started." My eyes met Jacob's, holding them steady. "James wanted to kill me. Him and Edward…they, uh, they got off to a bad start, and I guess, well Edward said it made me into some pretty interesting prey. James didn't like to lose."

"So it _is_ Cullen's fault."

"Stop it." I was too shocked, too exhausted from my day, to inject any kind of feeling into my tone. I was bone-tired, tired from school, tired from Jacob, tired from thinking about Edward all day. "I don't know what's gotten into you today, but it's not the day to get on my case. I'm too tired for this shit, Jake." I took another deep breath and finally caught his gaze. I held it for a long moment before reaching out and tucking an errant piece of hair behind his ear. My fingers lingered on his cheek, tracing a line down his jaw. His eyes fell closed, his posture relaxing ever so slightly. His eyes opened again, and he took a step closer, gathering me into the embrace I had been waiting for since leaving school.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled in my ear, his breath hot on my skin. He ran his fingers down my back, nearly crushing me to him. "I'm sorry I lost it. I've been freaking out all day."

I slowly pulled back, gently pushing him away. Sorry wasn't going to cut it on this one. I didn't have the energy to fight with him in that moment, but Jacob's words had cut back into the scars of Edward and I wasn't sure what to do with that. "I get that," I finally said, making a careful study of the linoleum. I traced my toe around the pattern, trying to form the thoughts aloud I had swirling in my head. "But I wasn't kidding. I'm too tired for this conversation right now. I appreciate you telling me she's trying to get back at me. I know you and the pack are going to do your best to keep me safe. And I appreciate that too. But right now, I don't want you here," I finally whispered, my eyes meeting his for one last moment before turning back to the sink. I grabbed the chicken from where it had bounced onto the counter, put it back in the sink, and reached for a paper towel to clean up the mess it had made.

"I said I was sorry," Jacob said behind me, but the malice was completely gone. Now he just sounded as tired as I felt, his voice weighted down with guilt and sorrow. "Bells, c'mon, please. I don't want to leave you alone with her out there."

I sighed heavily. "Jacob, just go." I didn't turn around as I heard the front door slam moments later. I stood stock still, my fingers clenching the counter, eyes focused blankly on the chipping yellow paint on the cabinet. Panic was threatening to swallow me as I thought about Victoria, her cold stare and the malice she exuded. Edward had told me her thoughts were just as vicious as she looked.

A piercing howl broke through my thoughts, long and mournful. I knew it was Jacob, and when once it would have tugged on my heart to hear the obvious pain in the cry, now it just annoyed me. I would not be guilted into forgetting his harsh comments.

"Edward, I wish you had never left. And I really hate you right now," I whispered aloud, wishing he could hear me, wherever he was. I wished Alice could have had a vision of this moment, of me falling apart in my kitchen, but I was sure it wouldn't make a difference even if she could. I had it way more together in that moment that I had in the months immediately after Edward had left, and that hadn't brought her to my doorstep.

As I set to fixing Charlie's dinner, I forced myself deeper into the numbness, willing myself to put aside thinking about any of it for the time being. I wanted desperately to return to lunch, to being annoyed with Jessica's ploys to get me dress shopping instead of standing in my kitchen worrying about vampire and werewolf drama. I was suddenly glad to be going out with her and Angela. An evening with the girls, being a perfectly normal seventeen-year-old, was just what I needed. We could gossip, try on dresses we couldn't actually afford before purchasing ones we could, and relax. Maybe I could even talk to them about my problems with Jacob. Surely "my current boyfriend is jealous of my ex and can't let it go" was a perfectly normal teenage conversation to have. I would just leave out the finer details.

Resolved to put the day behind me, I put the casserole in, set a timer, made myself a cup of tea, and settled down at the kitchen table. Burying myself in my studies had worked before, and I was determined to make it work this time as well. I pulled out the first item on the syllabus, the Iliad, and began to read.

Chapter title = goo goo dolls


	3. In my nightmare I feel so alive

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

3. In my nightmare I feel so alive

The morning dawned bright and sunny, much to my chagrin. I was in a terrible mood and I wanted the rain, and gloom, to support that. Being angry and depressed didn't seem to sit quite as well when it was one of the twenty sunny days we got per year. I debated staying in bed for a long time, but finally, as I heard Charlie's cruiser pulling out of the driveway, I decided; I was going to skip class. This wasn't something I had ever made a habit of, even in the darkest of my Edward-left-me days, but today I just couldn't do it. Everyone's mood would be brightened by the sunshine, but I was dark and foul. I couldn't be around people.

Knowing I couldn't stay home (there was always the chance Charlie would return home early and wonder what I was there) I hauled myself out of bed and dressed. I shoved my feet into my usual boots, tugged a sweatshirt over my T-shirt and pulled on well worn jeans. I made sure to take my school bag to keep up appearances and hurried down the stairs to grab my keys. I threw myself into the truck, soothed by the familiar roar of the engine.

I began driving, more on autopilot than really paying attention. It was as if the truck had a mind of its own, picking and choosing the turns I would take. I didn't realize where I had driven to until I was getting out of the truck, the damp smell of the forest surrounding me. To the north, a hiking trail led up and into the mountains, but I faced a solid wall of trees. I slung my backpack over my shoulder, figuring I could get some reading done. I didn't mean to arrive where I had, but now that I was there I was going to make the most of it. Edward may not be there to soothe me, but the peace of the meadow would. It was true Victoria was out there somewhere, but with the pack running near constant interference, I wasn't afraid. Or maybe I just had a death wish. Either way, I couldn't be bothered to care as I started into the woods, the sunshine gradually fading out as I walked beneath the canopy of trees.

The walk was long, miles, deep into the wood. Eventually, I began to spot familiar sights; a certain tree having fallen in an odd manner, a pile of rocks that sat just so. I was nearly there.

Stepping into the meadow was like stepping into an alternate reality. I had only been back once since Edward, but that previous visit had been an exercise in true terror. Luckily, once again, the pack had been there to save me. The pack. Not Edward. He wasn't going to save me from Victoria either. Yet it was undeniably peaceful, the silence of the wood broken only by the song of birds, the faint whisper of the leaves against one another. Forgetting the books for the moment, I stretched out in a patch of sun, tucking my book bag beneath my head. The sun felt heavenly. I dreamed of the sunny beaches of Hawaii, the baking heat of Arizona, hopes and memories brought on by the sun.

I couldn't say how long I lay there, mind eventually going blank, the sun throwing patterns against my eyelids. Maybe I slept, maybe I didn't. I felt a deep peace, a calm I hadn't known in some time. Fighting with Jacob was taking a lot out of me. He had always been, and I was sure he would always be, my best friend before he was anything else. I could handle my boyfriend being angry at me, but my best friend's wrath was another issue altogether.

Yet I noticed after some time the woods had gone completely silent. The bird song was gone; the rustle of wild animals moving about their day ceased. Even the wind stopped its whisper. My eyes flickered open, nervously glancing around.

Then my heart stopped.

He was here. Leaning up against a tree on the edge of the meadow, there stood Edward. He was in a patch of shade, so his skin threw no rainbows, but it was him. I would know the tousled bronze hair, the caramel eyes, and the delicate features anywhere. I opened my mouth to speak, but only a quiet squeak came out. My heart had gone from zero to sixty in two point five seconds; it thudded heavily in my chest, threatening to escape. Our eyes met and then he was moving. It was so fast I barely saw the movement, but he was suddenly in front of me, kneeling down to my level.

"Oh, Bella…" he whispered, his voice as perfect as I remembered. His breath washed over me, the intoxicating scent of him making me dizzy. I was still too shocked to move, but I desperately wanted to be in his arms. As if he could finally read my thoughts, that too was quickly accomplished, his lips crushing down on mine, his arms pulling me to him tightly. After Jacob's warmth and softness, the sensation of being held by marble was strange, but comforting in its familiarity. I didn't really want anyone other than Edward. I didn't want warmth or softness, just him.

I was gasping for breath as he pulled away, rocking back on his heels. "I forget how strong your hormones are," he said gently, taking a deep breath. "I also forgot how amazing you smell."

I blushed deeply at his words, grasping for my own. I still hadn't managed to speak. I wanted to ask a million questions, demand a million answers, but all that mattered in that moment was that he was finally back. I reached forward, needing to touch him, to feel his skin under my fingers. I resisted the urge to pinch myself, just to check if I was really awake. This has to be a dream, my mind insisted, this can't be real.

Ignoring the voice in my head, I leaned forward, reaching for Edward again. Maybe I couldn't speak, but there were other ways for me to express my many emotions. Yet as I tried to embrace him, he stopped me. "You smell … like werewolf," he finally said, wrinkling his nose. "It is on your clothes, in your hair. Even on some of your skin." His eyes narrowed, the amber turning a shade darker. "Why do you smell like dog?"

"What's it to you, bloodsucker?" a voice asked from the opposite side of the clearing. Jake. Of course he had followed me. He had probably planned to accost me in the parking lot at school, and failing that, had tracked me there by scent. Sometimes, the supernatural was incredibly inconvenient when you were trying to run away.

Edward was instantly on his feet, a snarl ripping free. He stood in front of me like he was protecting me from Jacob, his arms spread behind him to shield me. Which Jacob found hilarious.

"Oh please Cullen. I've been protecting her from the very memory of you for months. You think standing in front of her is going to do anything? Go back where you came from. We're fine here," Jacob taunted, slowly coming closer. Another growl came from deep in Edward's chest, rumbling outward at Jacob's progress.

"No," Edward answered curtly, dropping into a crouch. "I am not going anywhere."

"You really, really are," Jacob replied, reaching for his shirt. He had it off in seconds, and the air around him began to shimmer. I realized in horror he was planning to change. Which could only mean one thing.

My human thoughts were too slow to keep up with the action. Vampire and wolf lunged at each other, a terrible cracking sound emanating from their collision. Snarls went back and forth, and I couldn't tell which belong to whom. A terrible keening wail filled the air, and it took long moments to realize the horrible sound was coming from my own mouth. I instantly slammed my lips together, my teeth connecting painfully with the inside of my left cheek. Blood appeared, shimmering in the sunlight on Jacob's fur, while Edward danced around him. Yet in another split second, Jacob found purchase against Edward's arm, and the sound of rock ripping filled the air as Jacob tore a chunk from his arm and spat it out. I could see the excitement in his wolfy eyes even from where I stood. "Edward!" I shrieked, rushing toward them, mindless of my own safety. "Edward!"

"Edward!" I shouted, yet the meadow was gone. I was in my own bedroom, and it was pitch black. The rain beat against the roof with its ever present cacophony. It was a dream.

"It was just a dream," I whispered to myself, a sob catching in my throat. It had been so real, so vivid. My relief, and joy, at seeing Edward, the terror I had felt for him as I watched Jacob beginning to shred him to pieces. I didn't want to be awake in my cold, lonely room. I wanted to be back in that meadow, that meadow I had no idea how to get back to, and in Edward's arms. My heart was still racing, my palms and forehead bathed in sweat. "It was just a dream…." I repeated, sitting up and drawing my knees into my chest. I leaned down, pressing my cheek against my legs.

A lone howl broke through my quiet gasps as I struggled to catch my breath. Jacob. I figured he had to be keeping some sort of watch on me, and I wouldn't be surprised if he had heard me screaming. I was surprised Charlie hadn't woken up, but I could still hear his faint snores down the hall.

I grabbed a sweatshirt from the foot of my bed and tugged it on, padding over to the window. Jacob, in wolf form, was pacing below my bedroom window. I shoved the window up, a rush of cool, damp air filling my room. Jacob whined softly, then put his paws on the ground and tucked his head between them, his eyes glinting in the faint light. Silently I nodded, stepping back from the window to give him room to enter. I went to the bathroom to get him a towel and by the time I returned, there he stood, dripping rain drops all over my carpet.

Still wordless, I shoved the towel at him and sank back down on the edge of my bed. Jacob lowered the window quietly, and then stood for a long moment looking between where I sat on the edge of my bed and the rocking chair. He finally chose to sit beside me, but it was a very long moment before he spoke.

"Are you ok?" he finally asked, his voice husky and raw. He was definitely strained.

"Just a bad dream," I whispered, shaking my head. I couldn't look him in the eye, not yet; I was terrified he would know what I had dreamed, that he could see me kissing Edward as easily as dream Jacob had watched from the edge of the meadow. I was terrified he was going to see through me and know how badly I would give anything for that part of the dream to have been real.

"You were dreaming about the bloo…. You were dreaming about him?"

"Yes." I wasn't going to offer anymore. I didn't have to explain my dreams to Jacob. It was quickly becoming obvious this was less of concerned-boyfriend-heard-me-screaming visit than a heard-me-screaming-about-my-ex visit.

"Why?"

I turned to face him, jumping off of the bed. I was furious, but trying desperately to keep my voice down. There was no way I could explain the truth to Charlie about Jacob's visit, and the thought of how disappointed he would be with me was too much to think about. "Do you think I have an ounce of control over what I dream about, Jacob Black?"

"I think you have control over who you think about," he countered, his tone seething like mine. He stood, towering over me as he did, throwing the towel to the side. Usually, the sight of Jacob clad in only a pair of worn cutoffs was enough to make me melt, but tonight I was holding my ground. I fought back against the part of me that wanted him to just take me his arms and say it would all be alright in the morning.

"You really believe that?" I asked in disbelief, throwing my hands up. "Jacob, I have tried not to think about Edward. I have tried for months. I wish I could just pluck his memory from my brain and be at peace. But.'t."

"You're not trying!" he protested, taking a step closer. His fingers curled around my shoulders, his gaze forcing me to look up. There was desperation in his eyes, begging in his voice. "Please just try."

It was eerily reminiscent of a conversation we had had once before, before the cliff diving episode. Jacob thought I could be happy with him, if only I would really, genuinely try and let go of Edward. I had believed him, eventually, and that had got us to where we were. But what Jacob was failing to realize, and perhaps I had been reluctant to admit, was that I _had_ tried. It just wasn't possible. Edward owned a piece of me I was never getting back. I was irrevocably in love with him, and nothing he had said, or done, could change that. I had dark moments in which I hated him, envisioned finding him wherever he was hiding and setting him on fire, but most days, most nights, I just desperately wanted him back in Forks. When I had told Jacob I didn't want to hurt him that early morning on Charlie's porch, I had meant iy. He knew how I felt, he assured me. Yet now, here we were, and he was determined to make me feel bad for facts he was already well acquainted with.

"Jake…." I was tired and the emotional roller coaster ride was just too much. "Jake, you've known exactly how I've felt about Edward since the day he left. I can't erase him. And no matter how angry he makes me sometimes, no matter how badly all of this hurts, I don't want to erase him. He has a part of me I'll never get back, a part of me that isn't mine to give to someone else any longer. I thought you had accepted that a long time ago," I finally whispered, hearing the sorrow in my own voice. I was looking him in the eye as I said it, feeling I at least owed him that much. The hurt was blatant on his features, his eyes shiny with tears I knew he was too proud to shed in front of me. There was an ache deep in my chest, the old wound pulsing with fresh pain. Wincing, I wrapped my arms around myself, willing my ribs to hold me together.

Jacob noticed the movement, and knew what it meant. He took one step toward me, to take me in his arms, but then stopped. Both arms fell to his side, limp. He inhaled one shaky breath and spoke again. "If he came back, you'd take him back. No questions asked."

It wasn't a question; it was an assured statement. Jacob's tone was flat, the emotion pooling in his eyes completely removed from his voice. I was quiet for a long moment, thinking carefully about my words. I knew myself enough to know I would want nothing more than to take Edward back. But should I? Shouldn't I want some kind of explanation? Didn't he owe me that? And who was to say that when the going got tough again, he wouldn't be off for another year or two to get over it? How could I guard my heart, and my emotional well-being, enough to allow Edward back in? And no matter how hurt I was, did he really deserve to be welcomed back with open arms?

Jacob had the decency to keep quiet as I thought it over, and I guessed he could virtually see my thoughts on my face. I had never been good at schooling my features into a mystery; my thoughts were as easy to read as a children's picture book.

"I…I don't know," I finally began, holding my hands up as soon as the words left my mouth. Jacob's lips had already parted with an angry retort at the ready, but he kept quiet at my plea. "Jake…the way I feel about him…if he were to come back…well, I just don't know. I love him." Wince. "I know you don't like to hear it, and yes, it is possible for me to love you both. But it's different with each of you."

"If you had to choose, you would choose him." Again, the flat tone, the emotionless voice. The only thing that gave him away was the way his hands shook at his sides, ever so slightly. His eyebrows knit together in concentration, and I knew he was fighting to keep it together. I wanted to reach out, comfort him, make the pain easier. I wanted to wrap myself around his broad, warm chest and stop having such a hurtful conversation. It was pointless. Edward wasn't going to actually come back, so why fight about what ifs? I felt ridiculous, like a couple having a fight about whether it would be ok to sleep with a celebrity crush; likelihood of Robert Pattinson walking into my bedroom was probably a tad higher than Edward returning, but just as ridiculous.

"Please just stop," I finally begged, holding onto my chest tighter. I felt like I was seconds from coming completely unglued. I think somewhere deep down I had known a day like this would eventually come, but I had been putting it off, and putting it off, hoping Jacob would maybe just let it go, or maybe I would stop thinking about Edward. "This is a pointless conversation. Unless you know something I don't – in which case we're going to have a really serious problem – there is no reason for Edward to come back after all this time. So let it go."

Jacob wasn't quite as good at hiding his body language as he seemed to think. The moment I mentioned him concealing something from me, he went rigid where before he had been limp. He did know something.

"So help me god Jacob Black, you tell me whatever it is you're hiding or I'm getting Charlie's gun from downstairs," I threatened, stalking toward him. Rage was going to hold me together, so I reached out, shoving hard against his chest. Of course he didn't move, which made me even angrier. Shoving against Jacob was like pushing against a horse.

"Bella, please, just listen, ok? I have my reasons…"

"Now."

"I don't know anything about that le…about him coming back, ok? But we had to call Carlisle. The pack…we needed to know about the redhead. If she was part of his…coven or whatever they call it. For, ya know, the treaty," he mumbled, staring at my closet door instead of meeting my eyes. He tentatively reached down, running his fingers through my snarled hair. "I would do anything to protect you," he whispered, his chocolate eyes now focusing on mine.

The second he said Carlisle's name, the pain broke through, strong like it had never been. Jacob had spoken to Carlisle. He had heard the soft timber of his voice, the faint accent, the soothing tone. He had been comforted by Carlisle's wisdom, and all I had was one overly vivid dream.

"Was he alone?"

"He was the only one we spoke to. No one else."

I glared at Jacob, annoyed with the pack mentality projected in his words. I wanted to know which one of them had picked up the phone. I wanted to know the entire conversation. More than anything, I wanted that phone number.

"Sam said I can't," Jacob said softly before I could even ask. "I'm sorry, Bells, I really am. I'm not sure I was even allowed to tell you, but he didn't specifically tell me not to…" He reached for my hair, tucking it tenderly back behind my ear. The fight had completely gone out of him.

Tears I had been willing myself not to shed spilled over, though I furiously wiped them away. I had been so close to getting an answer, so close to the possibility of seeing someone Cullen again, only to have it cruelly yanked away as fast as the chance came. Jacob had the answer, and some part of me didn't believe Sam had forbidden the pack to give that phone number to me; some part of me believed Jacob just didn't want to.

Too upset to voice my accusations, I instead stepped back from Jacob's touch. I ignored his hurt, far too preoccupied with my own. Glancing at my bedside alarm clock, the perfect solution came to me from the glowing green numbers. "Jake, you have to go," I said softly, fighting to keep the tangle of emotions I was feeling from my voice. "Charlie will flip out if he finds you here again. You've already been here for nearly an hour. Please, we'll talk about this tomorrow."

Jacob stared at me for one long, hard moment, in which I was terrified he would fight me. I wanted to crawl back into my bed, and sleep a dreamless sleep until the sun rose in a few very short hours. I then wanted to go to school, pretend I was seventeen and normal for at least a few hours, before dealing with turf wars and jealous werewolves. It would give me time to think of what I could possibly say to Jacob to make him let the argument go.

To my relief, he accepted my request and left quietly, planting a gentle kiss on my forehead before slipping back out into the rain. He didn't even bother with howling outside the window, as he sometimes did when he was angry with me. I collapsed back down onto my bed, throwing my sweatshirt across the room as I did.

I lay restless for a long time, the numbers creeping forward on the clock slowly but surely. I had no idea what I could say to Jacob that hadn't already been said. Not to mention my argument weighed heavily on the fact that Edward wasn't coming back; all Jacob had to do to punch a hole in it was to point out that, however slim the chance, Edward might come back. A part of me thought that with Carlisle now involved, and knowing his nature, it would be impossible for Edward to stay away. I couldn't believe his actions had actually been condoned by his family, but rather they had gone along with it because Edward had always asked for so very little.

It would kill Jacob if Edward came back.

My dream came screaming back to the forefront, the battle between the two who had captured a piece of my heart. What if Jacob did attack Edward? He had brought down Laurent with the pack; surely he could at least make it a difficult fight? And what if that did happen? I wasn't capable of stopping either of them alone, and both were too smart to fight where their respective families could interfere. I knew I would never forgive Jacob if he took Edward away from me permanently, but being able to forgive Edward was more questionable. I was already prepared to forgive him for breaking me, but could I forgive worse?

And the biggest question of all, how fair was any of this to Jacob? In the back of my mind, I had always told myself Jacob was a big boy, and knew just how damaged I was. But I had never considered how it must have felt to him, constantly second best. He knew he had what love I had to give now that Edward was gone, but also had to live knowing I would go back to him if I could. He knew what tethered me to him was affection, yes, and love, but more than anything, it was an inability to connect to the one I really wanted to be with.

I suddenly felt pathetic. I had no business being with Jacob as anything more than his friend. While being more was comforting, and kept the loneliness at bay, it wasn't fair. Kissing Jacob was anything but boring, but the fireworks of Edward's touch had never been replicated. Jacob gave me a warm, content feeling; Edward had set my soul on fire.

Troubled thoughts swirling through my mind, I finally fell into a restless sleep. I knew I had to explain all of it to Jacob. I knew I had to tell him that regardless of how much he thought he could put up with, I couldn't use him as a placeholder any longer.

I had to break his heart.

Chapter title = eve6


	4. Hearts, they don't lie they just quiver

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

4. Hearts, they don't lie they just quiver in fear

Jacob didn't call the next day. Or the day after. But I could feel him nearby, watching. Every now and then I caught a glimpse of his rusty fur running through the bushes surrounding Charlie's yard, or running alongside the road on my way home from school. I knew he wanted me to see him; Jacob was perfectly capable of being invisible when he wanted to be. Yet I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone. I didn't want to talk to him. It was killing me to be apart from him, but the guilt I felt when I thought about seeing him again, kissing him again – it was worse. So I stayed away.

Charlie came home early Friday night while I was waiting for Jessica to pick me up for our dress shopping expedition. I had made lasagna the night before, knowing dinner would consist of a jar of peanuts without something else ready to microwave in my absence. He walked in the doors just as I was portioning a piece onto a plate, carefully wrapping plastic wrap over the top so all he literally had to do was pop the plate in the microwave. Even Charlie couldn't be that lazy in the kitchen.

"Hey, Bells," he greeted me, shrugging out of the thick patrol jacket and taking a seat. "I'm starved. Would you mind just putting that in now?" His eyes pled silently, rain water shining in his hair as he smiled up at me from the table.

"Sure, Dad." I chuckled to myself, shaking my head so slightly I knew he wouldn't detect it. I sometimes wondered how he had managed not to starve before I came to Forks. "I've got some time before I leave. Do you want a salad to go with it?"

"And ruin a perfectly good plate of pasta and cheese with something green and healthy? No thanks!" His eyes glimmered behind bangs in need a trim, dark eyes so like my own peering back at me. He curled his fingers around the hint of belly he had developed in the year and a half I had been living with him. "Not that my waistband seems to be as happy about it."

"Jeeze Dad, really?" I shook my head more firmly, waiting for the microwave to beep behind me. Charlie was naturally thin; he had gained maybe ten pounds from eating real meals again. _It's nothing at all to be ashamed of_, I mentally chided him as I smoothed my hair back and absently brushed my fingers off on the hem of my jeans.

"Going out with Jake tonight?" he asked after a moment, breaking the comfortable silence. The silences were one of my favorite things about Charlie. With the exception of my brief crazy period – in which he wouldn't leave me alone – Charlie was wonderful at not prying. I knew he had no idea what condition my relationship with Jacob was currently in; he was just asking to make small talk. I was obviously going somewhere, all dressed up. Well…dressed up for me. I had on a nicer pair of jeans and a flowing top that looked good on me, but I mostly loved for how soft the fabric felt against my skin. It beat showing up in a T-shirt.

"Um, no…I'm actually going with Jess and Angela to Port Angeles. Homecoming dresses," I tacked on awkwardly. I didn't even know I was bothering to go with them anymore. The chances of Jacob and I making it to Homecoming at the rate we were going were becoming slim, and I certainly didn't have anyone else to go with. It seemed a little silly to go out and spend several hundred dollars of hard earned money on a getup I might never even wear.

"Jake convinced you to go to a dance? No trickery?" he asked suspiciously, one eyebrow raised curiously. I knew he didn't mean to bring back the memory, but the only previous dance I had attended had been courtesy of Edward's scheming. My heart ached as I thought back to that night, and what I had originally thought the fancy clothes and special occasion car meant. I had been most sorely mistaken.

"Well…not exactly," I admitted, chewing on my bottom lip. The beeping of the microwave startled me back into action, and I reached in to retrieve Charlie's meal. I grabbed a fork from the drawer, poured him a glass of milk and set the food down in front of him. "Careful, hot," I cautioned, watching him stab a large chunk of food onto his fork.

Charlie gave me one withering look that said it all. I instantly felt guilty. _Of course it's hot, moron_, I told myself, trying to look sheepish in the hopes of being forgiven. _He did watch you microwave it. He is old enough to put two and two together._ While he blew on the lasagna and slowly began to chew, his eyes focused back on me, waiting for me to continue.

I heaved a huge sigh and leaned back against the kitchen sink. "Jess is making me go. Jake hasn't, uh, well, he hasn't actually asked me to go," I mumbled, staring a hole into the floor as I spoke. I had a terrifying vision of Charlie calling Billy to yell at Jacob for his idiocy, but quickly remember the kind of parent Charlie was. He would do exactly what he was currently doing – frowning mighty hard – and leave it at that. I knew a part of him wanted to say something, to interfere just a little; Charlie still felt that if he had just voiced his Edward concerns earlier, I wouldn't have been such a mess when he left me.

My cell phone vibrating in my pocket saved me from any further conversation on the topic. Jessica was in my driveway and impatient to be going. I grabbed my keys from the counter, my purse from the kitchen chair, said good night to Charlie as I grabbed a light jacket and was on my way.

Port Angeles was thankfully uneventful. I stayed close to Angela and Jessica, nodded and smiled at the appropriate points in conversation…and tried to ignore the way my heart skipped every time I spied a silver Volvo. Lucky for me, Jessica was perfectly content to ramble on first about Mike, and then about homecoming decoration plans. Neither Angela nor I wanted to interrupt Jessica on either topic, lest we be accused of not listening, so we remained mostly quiet, only occasionally offering opinions on dresses.

I had originally thought on the ride up that I wasn't going to bother buying a dress; it was a waste of money. Jacob hadn't asked me to go to the dance, and we were currently having a fight I wasn't sure had a difficult solution, never mind an easy one. Yet the more I thought about it, the more I realized by not buying a dress, I would have to launch into the entire story to explain myself before the matter would be dropped. I had considered chatting out my problems with my friends, but I found myself too tired of thinking about it to want to hash out the entire story again. So I went through the motions, tried on the dresses, and bought the midnight blue satin dress Angela and Jessica both loved. Jessica actually squealed when she saw me step out of the dressing room in it. "Jacob won't be able to keep his hands off you in that!" she shrieked, bringing a deep blush to my cheeks. "Maybe, ya know, you guys will finally…."

"Jess…." I had warned, sweeping back into the dressing room to remove the dress. I glanced at the price tag, pleased I had found something on sale. It wasn't going to be such an expensive waste after all. "We are really, really not having this conversation," I shouted back through the door, greeted only by Jessica's giggles. She was more than thrilled to frequently recall her and Mike's sexcapades, and couldn't wait for me to join the club. I stared in the tiny mirror for a long moment before pulling off the dress. It was beautiful, the way the satin shimmered where it clung to what few curves I had. It had a slight flare once it hit my hips, and the back was…nonexistent. One delicate tie connected the pieces midway down, but other than that it was completely open. I loved the way my skin looked against the fabric.

Edward would have loved the dress.

Edward wasn't coming back so that didn't matter.

The next morning dawned full of gloom with pouring sheets of rain pounding against the roof. Mike texted early to say the beach trip was off, better luck next time. I felt a rush of sympathy toward him as I read the message, still lying in bed. All Mike had wanted that weekend had been to go to the beach after Jessica had suckered him into working my shift. Now he wouldn't even have that.

I wondered what Jacob was doing as I lay in my bed, watching the rain pelt the window. Mike's text had most likely gone out to the whole group, so I assumed Jacob would have gotten it. A part of me had been looking forward to the beach trip because I knew it would force us into each other's company. The beach had always been a sort of safe, in-between place for us when we were having problems. Worrying about Jacob had started to gnaw at my insides. We had never gone as long without speaking of our own will; our only other long term silence had been induced by the pack's rules.

Nearly on queue my phone began to buzz on my nightstand. Jacob was calling. "Hello?" I asked tentatively, unsure of what his mood would be. _He must want to see me if he's calling at all_, I told myself firmly, trying to keep the depressing thoughts at bay.

"Hi," he said after a long pause, a heavy sigh heaving over the line. There was apprehension in his voice. "I didn't think you were going to pick up."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, you haven't called or anything."

"Neither have you."

"Touché." There was a long and uncomfortable silence. "So, um, the beach trip is off," Jacob finally said. It was awkward. Conversations with Jacob had never been awkward. Since when did we have nothing but stilted small talk to say to each other? Did he really feel he needed a pretense to pick up the phone and talk to me? I had assumed Jacob's silence had continued because he was upset with me as I was with him…I had never imagined he hadn't called because he was frightened I wouldn't bother to answer.

"Yeah I got Mike's text too," I replied. I sighed heavily, picking at the edge of my comforter. "Do you want to come over? I think we should talk. Charlie got stuck covering for someone at the station today, so he's not home to overhear."

"Sure," Jacob said after a slight hesitation. I could hear the worry in his voice, the tension. "I'll be over in a few." There was a soft click before I could bother to ask if he was driving or running over. Glancing at the pouring rain, I figured he would bring his car to avoid the downpour and resulting soaking wet clothes.

Looking down at my own outfit, I hauled myself out of bed and quickly washed up in the bathroom, piling my hair in a messy bun atop my head. The rain had me feeling lazy, so instead of bothering with my clothes, I left the ratty sweatpants on I had worn to bed. I put a bra on under the thin cotton T-shirt I was wearing and declared it good enough. It wouldn't do to look enticing to Jacob anyway. It wasn't going to be that sort of day.

Despite my attempt at looking casual, Jacob lingered on my front porch when I opened the door. I watched at he gulped, his throat lurching with the effort as his eyes roamed over me. He was my boyfriend; he should have been allowed to stare all he wanted. Yet standing in the doorway in the early morning light, it irked me.

"Seriously, Jacob?" I asked, ushering him into the living room.

"Sorry," he mumbled, turning back to me. He sank into the couch, his brow furrowed for one moment. Then his shoulders tensed and he began to speak again. "Actually," he started, turning back up to face me, a challenge burning in his dark eyes, "I'm not sorry. You're my girlfriend, you look damn sexy right now, and I'm not apologizing for wanting you."

I blushed deeply at his comment, wondering what it was about the outfit that was so enticing. Jake had seen me in these clothes, or ones very similar to them, a hundred times. _What makes today so special?_

Our eyes met as I glanced back down at him, and I was surprised to see how much darker his were. Without saying another word, he grasped my hand and pulled lightly. It wasn't enough to force me, but the way he was looking at me was making my lips tingle. I tumbled down to the couch beside him, and then his lips were on mine, urgent, insistent. Jacob put everything he was feeling in that kiss, the frustration, the desperation, all of it surged through me as he pressed his mouth firmly against mine.

Somewhere in the haze of my thoughts, I dimly recalled how I had wanted to really talk to Jacob, to explain to him how unfair this entire situation was. I was essentially using him, and I couldn't do it anymore. Yet with him hands freely roaming my body, hitching me up on his lap with my knees firmly pressed to either side of his hips, I seemed very capable of continuing to be with Jacob.

Reality came crashing back with the cool gust of air on my back as Jacob went to pull my shirt off. "No," I said, hoping for a firm tone; instead the word came out a breathless gasp. Jacob's hands froze on my back as I leaned forward, resting my face against his chest. "No, we have to talk." I forced the words out of my throat, knowing I should claim a separate seat if I wanted any kind of conversation to continue; my heart hammering in my chest would give me away as long as I stayed close.

"No, we don't," he whispered against my ear, his teeth nipping playfully. I shivered in spite of myself, pressing more tightly against him. "I love you. That's all that matters to me. You love me and you're in my arms. Nothing else matters."

"Jake…." I protested softly, trying to stifle a gasp as his lips traced down along my neck, his tongue sneaking out to taste the skin every few kisses. "Jake, this…isn't…" I tried to speak again, but he was pulling out all the stops. He had found the delicate spot at the base of my neck, and was dropping the soft kind of kisses that made me wild for more. It was borderline cheating as I tried to speak to him and he tried to shut me up.

"Do you love me?" he asked, his eyes burning as he pulled back for a moment. He had me pressed to him, allowing me to lean back only far enough to look him in the eye. His hands were under my shirt, broad, hot palms pressed against my back. His thumb was absently tracing circles close to my hip, sneaking just under the waistband of my sweats as he continued to trace a lazy pattern.

"Yes," I answered honestly. "But," I opened my mouth to tack on more, but he stopped me, one finger to my lips. "That's all that matters to me," he said slowly, firmly, like he wanted me to hear each separate word. His eyes seared into mine in intensity, and then his mouth quickly replaced his fingers as he began to kiss me again. My body betrayed me as each kiss became more heated, more intense, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling myself closer and closer. Jacob's hands began to roam again, and this time, when he tried to remove my shirt, I didn't stop him. I didn't stop him as he eased me back onto the couch cushions, pressing his warm body against mine. I slid my fingers up under his shirt, tracing lazy patterns against his back as his kisses fell across my neck, my collarbones, then back to trace a line along my jaw.

I reached up, pushing him away just enough to grab the thin fabric of his shirt and pull it up over his head, loving the way his heated skin felt against mine. Jacob was always warm. The house was cool, the rain casting a gloom in the faint morning light, but Jacob was all fire. Settling my fingers firmly on either side of his hips, I pulled him back down to me, shivering as his stomach pressed against mine.

"Cold?" he whispered in my ear, one hand running down my side. His touch paused, resting on the curve of my waist possessively as his silky hair tickled my neck. "I bet I can help with that…" And then there was nothing soft or lazy in his kisses.

"Jake!" I finally gasped, pushing him away. My hair was wild; my cheeks were flushed. As my eyes met his, I could see the sheer lust staring back at me, eyes dark with desire. His cheeks were as flushed as mine and I could see the tension in his body. "Jake, we have to stop!"

"Why?" he challenged, bringing his lips back to mine. I sighed heavily against him, trying desperately to control my hormones. "Charlie's not here. I want you. I want you more now than I ever have before." He pressed the entire length of his body to me, letting me feel just how badly he wanted me. I bit my lip to keep my letting a moan escape my lips.

"Because we had a fight and you're trying to prove something," I said, forcing as much gentleness into the words as possible. I knew there was such a thing as make-up sex, and from my brief time with Emmett I had heard it was one of the great joys of life, but I wasn't prepared for it. Not now. Not with Jacob. This wasn't going to be our first time. Not like this.

Jacob immediately stopped kissing me, the desire zapped right from his gaze. Instead, now all I saw was concern…and disappointment. "Bella…" He lay down beside me on the couch, tugging me into his arms. I could hear his heart pounding in his chest as I lay against him, willing my own heart rate to slow. We were quiet for a long moment as we each tried desperately to calm down. I fished my shirt off the floor, tugging it back on and wordlessly handed Jacob his. His eyes held mine for one long moment before he heaved a sigh of defeat and shrugged his shirt back on. He lay down again, tugging the quilt from the back of the couch over us and drawing me close. I was deliciously warm in moments.

I was just starting to drift off into a contented sleep when my phone buzzed on the coffee table. "Read it later," Jacob mumbled against my cheek, his arms tightening around me. "This is perfect."

"Jake, it could be Charlie," I protested, straining against his grip. He made a discontented noise, but loosened his grip enough for me to grab my cell phone off the table and flip it open.

Then I started to shake.

**He misses you.**

"Bella!" Jake was shouting at me from far away, the way his voice cracked the only indication of the volume I knew he must be using. He had my shoulders in a vice, crushing so hard I was sure to have bruises. "Bella!"

I knew, somewhere, dimly, that I should answer him, but I couldn't. My eyes were glued to the phone, to the three tiny words. Once, I had imagined another set of three small words had the greatest ability to pierce through me, but they had nothing on these. Emotions battled, fear, hope, rage, pain, all tried to edge the other one out for king of the hill. Idly I wondered if I had died and was having an out of body experience.

Jacob trying to take the phone from me snapped me out of it. His hot touch on my cool fingers, wrapped so tightly around the small silver phone I was sure to have imprints of the keyboard, resisted, and then I was present. "No!" I snapped, snatching the phone back and slamming it shut. _Breathe, Bella, breathe_. "Jake, no. I'm…f, fine."

"You're not fine," he returned, eyes narrowed. He studied me carefully, his gaze locked on mine. "What does it say?"

"'He misses you.'" I dropped my gaze to the couch cushion where my legs were still entwined with Jacob's. I remembered the conversation I had intended to have with him, and the guilt came rushing back. It fed off my hope, growing in strength and certainty.

"What?" Jacob asked through gritted teeth. I snuck a quick glance at him to realize his face was nearly purple, the veins in his neck protruding with stress. "What the hell does that mean?"

"I have no idea," I said softly. The sender was restricted, so writing back wasn't an option. I knew in my gut it was Alice – who else could it have been? Jasper wouldn't get involved with Edward's life, Rosalie was far too absorbed in herself to bother, Emmett would listen to Rosalie, and Carlisle and Esme would have respected Edward's decision more than anything else. Alice would have been the only one willing to ignore Edward's wishes and simply do what she thought was best for him. Having been the victim of such schemes before, this had Alice written all over it.

But what did she hope to accomplish? She sent the text from a restricted number, so it was impossible for me to trace without a subpoena…which I was fresh out of. I obviously had no idea how to contact Edward – not that I had tried to find him. I knew he didn't want to be found, not to mention trying to beat a wealthy, hundred-year-old vampire at sneaking wasn't going to get me anywhere. I didn't have the resources to go skulking in the shadows after him, so that was a waste of time too. Not to mention, he had told me point blank he didn't want me. Why go chasing?

The text just made me angry the more I thought about it. Alice – or whoever's genius idea it was – had only reminded me of the pain, refreshing it with moments of hope. Knowing Edward missed me didn't make a damn bit of difference because he hadn't come back. Maybe he really did miss me, but not enough for it to outweigh my boring company. He could miss me from the day he left until the day I died, but if he was still jet setting from one distraction to another, that did fuck all for me.

"Fuck you!" I yelled at the phone, chucking it across the room. It hit the wall hard, leaving a dent. I was too angry to care. "Fuck you," I whispered again, the tears welling in my eyes. I wiped at them angrily, turning my gaze back to Jacob. "What?" I spat, staring daggers at him. "Do you want to start on me now?"

"No," he murmured, reaching for me slowly. He held up his hands as if in surrender for one long moment before curling his fingers around my shoulders, much more softly than before. Leaning down to my height, he stared intently into my eyes, his face finally returning to the smooth tan I knew and loved. "Bella, I love you, ok? I'd really like for you to tell me what's upsetting you so much. Is it…is it about him?" he asked at almost a whisper, gulping and squeezing his eyes shut as the words escaped his lips.

"I think so," I answered between gritted teeth. "But I have no idea what it means. Or who sent it. Restricted."

"Ok." He let out a heavy breathe of air I realized he had been holding for my answer. "Ok," he repeated, leaning his forehead against mine. His shoulders sagged in relief and it suddenly hit me how my reaction must have looked. No wonder Jacob was being an ass lately; I was pushing him to it.

"Jake," I whispered, looping my arms around his neck. I closed my eyes, leaning into him and taking a deep breath. I pushed on his chest gently, easing him back into the couch. Our legs were still pleasantly tangled together. I sighed heavily, nuzzling my face against his chest, determined to put the text behind me. _Cryptic unhelpful messages are not worth getting worked up over_, I told myself sternly, tightening my grasp on Jacob, whose heart was thudding more heavily in his chest than usual. "Jake?" I asked, raising my head from his chest. I waited until his eyes opened, locking on mine. They were filled with sorrow. "Jake, I love you. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I just…" He paused, studying me carefully, the sadness is his eyes becoming more and more pronounced. "I just…don't know if that's enough for you."

"It is," I replied firmly, giving his chest an extra squeeze as I said it for emphasis. I leaned forward, pressing my lips against his. There was nothing urgent in this kiss like our earlier kisses, but I hoped I was making my point. I curled back against his chest and shut my eyes, determined to find the content, sleepy place I had been before my phone had vibrated.

And this time, when I heard it buzzing in the corner of the room where it had landed, I ignored it.

Chapter title = mayday parade


	5. All our secrets, they are tailored troub

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

5. All our secrets, they are tailored trouble

I ignored it Sunday.

Monday I got curious.

Tuesday I looked.

Wednesday.

Thursday.

Friday.

Saturday.

Sunday.

From the living room came the usual Sunday soundtrack. "First down!" the TV called triumphantly. Shouting and whistles followed. I shakily put one foot in front of the other, letting my hair fall in curtains on either side of my face like a mask. I hoped Charlie was too distracted with his sports to notice me. "Second and two!" the TV called as I stopped before the sink, reaching in the drain for a clean glass.

_Deep breath_, I coached myself as I tried to ignore the faint tremble of the water in the glass I raised to my lips. Charlie started clapping as more whistles blew. "First and ten!" I decided that in whatever sport he was watching, this had some key significance. I knew it wasn't baseball – that was the only sport I had ever cared to watch, and even then, MLB wasn't what I had in mind.

Thinking about baseball brought the throbbing in my chest back. I shoved it down with a silent gasp at its strength. It was like the pain had gone into hibernation; instead of quieting with time – like I had been very assured it would – it had lain dormant and festered, waiting for its chance. That text message had been opportunity's knock, the pain exploding in white hot flashes with a ferocity I wasn't sure had existed before. My numbness had sheltered me from the very worst of it when Edward had left, but this, this I was feeling with every fiber of my being. It was like every bone in my body had shattered, leaving me physically exhausted, and in a near constant state of pain.

Cheers were still mingling with Charlie's claps and whistle blows, so I was safe. I gulped down the first glass of water, then filled it to the brim and snuck quietly back up the stairs. Most of what I had eaten that morning for breakfast had quickly come back up, so I was sticking to water. I was keeping it together in front of Charlie enough to avoid an inquisition, but Jacob was another story. As I eased my door closed behind me, he glowered at me from my rocking chair. Each time I couldn't keep my breakfast down, each time I woke up in tears, he took it as a personal affront. I felt too guilty to banish him, but every time his eyes paused on mine, another of my stitches popped.

"Better?" he asked, forcing his tone gentle but the words coming between gritted teeth. He was trying, I had to give him that, but I wanted nothing more than for him to go away.

Saturday had been fine, lovely in fact. We had napped, snug on the couch, for most of the late morning before popping in a movie. We had watched one after another, Charlie eventually coming to join us. He didn't react to Jacob and I curled on the couch like he had to Edward; Jacob he welcomed. Charlie and Billy were already planning to spoil their joint grandchildren; what was a little cuddling? The phone had stayed innocently on the floor in the corner, hidden behind the easy chair from Charlie's inquisitive eye. When I went to bed that night, I shoved it in a drawer in my desk and vowed to ignore it until I was calmer.

Sunday I worked at Newton's, telling myself I always left my phone in my car anyway so leaving it at home in the drawer was no big deal. To get Mike back for covering my shift so I could shop with Jessica, I worked from open to close on Sunday. I was exhausted by the time I got home, a busy day of late-season campers keeping me running from one end of the store to another. Falling into bed after a quick shower, I didn't bother with the phone.

But with my mind left to wander in class on Monday, it began to eat at me. What did it say? Was it just a text from my mom, who by now would be about to call the National Guard out to look for me? Or was it another mystery from a restricted number? Or was it Jessica telling me something about Mike I didn't want to know? She didn't seem annoyed enough with me to have had an ignored text floating out there, so I quickly dismissed that it could have been from her. My mother would have called the house. Which left…few options.

Yet once again, work saved me from myself. I went to Newton's straight from school. When I got home, I paused in the kitchen long enough to make a sandwich, then crawled in bed with one of the books I was reading for the AP lit class. I fell asleep reading it, woke up late, and didn't even have time to think about the phone Tuesday morning.

But by Tuesday afternoon, I was anxious when I finally entered my bedroom, slinging my backpack off my shoulder and sinking down on my bed. With a deep breath, I had reached into my desk and flipped open the phone. And promptly wished I hadn't.

I had two more texts.

**He's thinking about coming back but is afraid of your reaction**_._

And then time-stamped two hours later: **He's still in love with you.**

I promptly went to pieces.

Jacob had found me hours later. My lights were off, so Charlie had assumed I had gone to bed early again. I had muttered something on my way in the night before that I felt like I was coming down with something, unknowingly giving myself a good cover. "Bella?" His voice was tentative in the dark. I couldn't see him, but I knew he could see me clear as day. Which meant he could see the tears staining my cheeks. The phone still sat on the floor at my feet where I had dropped it in shock.

Jacob had taken the phone, flipped it open, and become very still as I made a study of the carpet. The tears had gone silent, pouring down my cheeks no slower, but more quietly. I was hoping if I stayed still enough, my emotions would quiet and fall into neat categories I could deal with. They stayed a hopeless mess.

"He has no right," he growled, slamming the phone shut. He gripped it tightly enough I heard the plastic protest before he dropped it back down to my desk. It fell with a clatter. "He left you. He told you he didn't want you," he seethed, beginning to pace. He snuck a glance at me every few moments. "How he ever…I don't know how he said those things to you. All I know is that he did. And to do this now…he has no right!" Jacob's eyes had been wild as he turned back to me. "Bella, you can't let him do this!"

"He's just bored," I had heard myself saying hoarsely, eyes still focused on the carpet. "I guess he ran out of distractions."

"What are you talking about?" he had demanded, sinking to his knees in front of me. His warm arms wrapped around my legs, his eyes locking onto mine. "Bella, you're not making any sense."

We had never talked about that night. I had told Jacob a lot, but some things I had never spoken aloud to another human being. The night Edward had left me was one of them; other than what I muttered in my nightmares, I never spoke of it. I didn't tell Jacob Edward had said he didn't love me, that he didn't want me, that he would have plenty of distractions; Jacob had drawn his own conclusions. He knew from what I had mumbled at Charlie the night Sam found me in the woods, and from the nights he listened to me cry out in my sleep, that Edward had effectively told me he didn't want me anymore. He didn't know the rest of it. And he didn't need to.

"It's not important," I had told Jacob, setting my shoulders and biting down sharply on my bottom lip to force myself to make it true. None of it mattered. Edward may have been a lot of things, and maybe he had even loved me at one time, but he wasn't a liar. And as badly as he hurt me, he would never intentionally harm anyone; it was too brutal to be a lie.

He had tried for the rest of that night to get the story out of me, but I had remained steadfastly silent. What I cried out in my sleep that night must not have been all too revealing either, because Jacob started in again the next night. It was Thursday before he stopped asking with words and switched to the accusatory stares. I wanted him to go away, yet at the same time clung to him as I had clung nearly a year ago. My birthday – the beginning of the end – loomed eleven days away. It felt significant in a way I couldn't put my finger on.

I was certain Jacob was becoming more and more protective, and possessive. I felt silent eyes on me during the day, watching as I moved from class to class. The fellow students of Forks High had stopped staring at me long ago, and it was only as I passed close to the woods the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I was too tired to yell at him to go away, and instead just sighed and went into the building. If it wasn't Jacob, he had one of the pack trailing me. _Victoria is still out there_, I reminded myself, _and he's worried_. Most girls would find it creepy their boyfriend was stalking them from the woods outside their high school; I found it reassuring.

Not reassuring enough to mention it and condone it. It was going to be my little secret that Jacob's presence during the school day was reassuring. I would never let him truly know how much I was depending on him. It didn't seem fair, given that I was falling apart over my ex.

Again.

I nodded at Jacob as I eased myself back down on the edge of the bed, my fingers twisting in my shirt. A glance outside revealed the light drizzle that had been falling all morning had finally stopped, leaving only the gloom of the overcast sky. I had to get out of the house, away from Charlie, and doing something where I didn't have to see Jacob's eyes. Every new glance was filled with another accusation. It was too much.

"Ya know what we haven't done in forever?" I asked, forcing some false cheer into my voice. "Let's take the bikes out."

He studied me for one long moment, his hands folding together in his lap. "I don't think that's such a good idea," he said quietly, refusing this time to meet my gaze. He pulled a stray piece of lint from his jeans and casually flicked it to the floor. "You're upset. I'm not sure you've got the concentration right now for that."

My temper flared. "Jacob, concentrating on something else is just what I need right now. Continuing to sit in my room with you glaring at me is really not going to help."

"I'm not glaring at you!" he protested in a shout, jumping to his feet. His hands curled into tight fists pressed against his sides. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, his almond skin wrinkling in frustration. "I'm concerned, ok? I'm really worried about you."

"I'm a big girl," I replied through gritted teeth. I grabbed a light jacket from where it hung on my desk chair and slung it over my shoulders. "I was more of a mess when you taught me to ride that thing. I didn't kill myself then."

"Just barely," he mumbled and then heaved a heavy sigh. It was clear I wasn't giving up on this one. "Fine, Bella. Christ, if it will make you smile, I'm completely in." He shot me one forced, goofy grin, which I ignored, and slung an arm around my shoulders. Ordinarily, it would have been enough to bring a smile to my face. Instead I just shrugged his arm off and reached for the door. I didn't have the energy to make Jacob go away, but I had found something we could do together that effectively separated us from talking or touching.

We told Charlie we were going to the beach now that the rain had stopped and set off toward La Push. Jacob was driving my truck and doing so unusually slowly. It was like he was dreading the bike ride. The tension between us was sucking the air out of the truck. Usually I had no problem curling into Jacob's side as he drove, but I was nearly clinging to the passenger door. He didn't fail to notice; his eyes kept sneaking glances at me when he thought I wasn't looking.

Silently, we exited the truck upon arriving at Jacob's and made our way out to his makeshift garage. Now that the ocean was closer, the temperature had definitely dropped. I shivered, rubbing my hands along my upper arms. Jacob stared at me hard for one long moment, but gave up when I failed to say anything. If he was waiting for me to ask him to warm me up, he was sorely mistaken. I remained wordless as we loaded the bikes and climbed back in for the short ride to the cliff path. It was my favorite ride.

I slammed the passenger door shut when we arrived, watching tiny particles of rust get caught in the wind and go floating off toward the cliff. A shiver went down my spine as I remembered jumping those cliffs, the ice of the water as it filled my mouth, the horror on Jacob's face, the desperation in his stare…. He was studying me again, a hint of that same terrified desperation coloring his features as he held the helmet out to me.

"Bella…" he began softly, running his fingers through his hair. His eyes caught mine, holding very lightly. "Just…let's be careful, ok? You've…been through enough this week…without an ER visit." I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. It was true that in learning to ride, I was frequently in the ER, and frequently lying to Charlie about my stitches. But in the last three months, I hadn't fallen once from the bike. I was upset, not stupid. Without another word to Jacob, and not much caring I was being a bitch, I straddled the bike and roared it to life. I smirked to myself and took off down the path before Jacob had a chance to follow.

I raced along, the trees a blur in my peripheral vision. A spray of sand was kicking up from the road, and I could feel it on the wet hem of my pants. I knew the road was going to curve shortly, but I didn't slow down. The wind was exhilarating. I felt more alive in that moment than I had in weeks; the speed was whipping the sour memories out of my thoughts and replacing them with an exhilarated high. I swept around the turn, grinning wildly as I leaned into it. If I reached out I could touch the pavement. I couldn't hear Jacob behind me, whether because I had finally found a way to out run him, or if he was just giving me some space, I didn't care. Righting the bike, I opened the throttle more, watching the speedometer creep higher and higher. The wind was howling in my ears now, lashing at my knuckles, but I ignored the reflex to brake. I felt like I was flying.

And suddenly, I was.

I came around another bend, dipping lower than I had on the last, giddy with success. Yet when I looked up, a deer stood in the middle of the road. I shrieked, slamming the brakes down. I heard the wail of rubber against pavement and then I was airborne, landing on the gravel with a loud crack as my helmet connected with the stone. Gasping for air, the wind completely knocked out of me, I searched frantically for the deer. All that remained of it was the telltale swaying of freshly run-through bushes. The cold of the ground seeped through my jacket, chilling me even further, though something warm was trickling against my wrist. A throbbing began in my hips and slowly spread as I reached up and yanked the helmet off, still fighting to fill my lungs with air. The back of my left hand was a bloody mess where it had scraped against the pavement, and my shoulder ached acutely. I had landed on it hard.

"Bella!" came Jacob's frantic cry. He had come up while I was still fighting for air, the roar of his motorcycle drowned out by the roar in my ears. My heart was hammering a mile a minute, adrenaline and panic setting a new speed record. "Bella, Jesus Christ! Are you ok? What the fuck were you thinking?!"

"I don't know," I said stupidly, closing my eyes. He knelt beside me, gingerly running his hands over me. _So much as for not being stupid. _

"How bad? Can you move?"

"I just got the wind knocked out of me." I took a deep though shaky breath to prove I could. "There was a deer in the road."

"Your hands are all bloody," he said, a hint of accusation in his tone. "How fucking fast were you going? You could have killed yourself. Do you have a fucking death wish?!"

"No," I replied, forcing as much ice into my tone as possible. Snatching my hand away from him, I hauled myself to my feet, ignoring the desire to sway as a rush of dizziness hit me. _Maybe I did hit my head a bit hard._ "I scraped my hands on the pavement. I'm fine."

"Bullshit."

"Don't start with me."

"Give me one good reason not to."

"You're an asshole."

"That's a statement, not a reason."

I stood silent for a long moment, seething. I didn't trust myself to have this conversation with Jacob. It would end poorly. For both of us. I was a physical – and emotional – bloody mess. The pent up rage was simmering into a low boil, threatening to erupt. I wanted to tell Jacob he was supposed to be my best friend before anything else; I wanted to tell him this was exactly why I had protested in the beginning. I wanted to tell him I wish he had never pressed his lips to mine. I wanted to tell him that some nights, I wished he had never pulled me out of the ocean; I wished Edward had. I wanted to shriek at him that the first chance I got to be made of stone, I was taking it. I would commit myself to Edward for all time and not think twice about it.

_He's not coming back_, my inner monologue whispered in protest. _It doesn't matter what game Alice thinks she's playing. They all say never to bet against her, but she saw you with Edward. She never saw this. She could be wrong. Or it might not even be her. Maybe Rosalie's just fucking with you. She gets bored easily too. _

"You want to talk?" I finally said, folding my arms across my chest. _Ow!_ I cried silently, biting down on my lip to keep from crying out. I wouldn't give Jacob the satisfaction of being right about my current riding ability. "Fine. You can start by telling me who the fuck you thought you were to call Carlisle. The pack has always been hostile to him and his. Why now? And why _the fuck_ was it ok to keep it from me?"

Jacob's eyes widened with each question, his face going from red to purple. The wind started to blow lightly and I shivered uncontrollably, but I kept my glare as angry as I could. My entire body was taunt, an arrow strung.

"I already told you," he said slowly, like he was speaking to a child. It only infuriated me more. "Bella, I told you before. I would do anything for you. Including calling _him_ to see if there was anything useful he could tell me."

"How did you know how to reach him? Have you known this entire time?"

He paused long enough to confirm it even if he tried to lie. "Yes," he finally said, his eyes on the ground. "We've always kept tabs. We have…ways."

"Ways?" I snapped bitterly, choking out a harsh laugh.

"Bella, you didn't look for them. I thought…I thought you didn't want to."

I squeezed my eyes shut, squeezed against the truth of the words. I hadn't looked for them. It had seemed like it was a wild goose chase. The Cullens were very wealthy. I was certain they had the resources to forge any number of documents, bank accounts, or any other way of tracking a person. I didn't even expect them to stay stateside. That…and they didn't want me to find them. At least Edward didn't. What good would finding them do? I wouldn't chase after them; I wasn't that pathetic. If Edward didn't want me, I had no business following him around. Edward and his family came as one; if he didn't want me, they weren't allowed to. End of story.

But Jacob didn't know any of that, didn't know a part of me yearned just to talk to Alice, to hear Emmett's off-color jokes and booming laughter. I wanted to find a way to tell Edward he couldn't control all of them. If Alice didn't want to be in my life, then fine. But let her make that choice.

_Maybe she already did_, a tiny voice protested back. _Maybe she supported Edward's decision. Maybe she was bored with you too. Maybe she was tired of you monopolizing her brother. Maybe she thought you were ruining her perfect, happy family._

In my heart, I knew none of the paranoid thoughts were true. Alice had been for mine and Edward's relationship before I even knew we had the beginnings of one; she knew he was in love with me when I thought he hated me. I could accept Edward had grown bored of me, that he would want something more – I had thought that from the first time we kissed. But Alice…

"If I give you that phone number…it will be the end of us," Jacob said quietly, his voice tight with emotion. He refused to meet my gaze as I snapped my head up, stunned by his words. "Not that I would just give up, ya know." He was forcing his tone to be level, calm, but there was a tremor in the words. "I'll fight for you until…until I can't fight anymore." He finally looked up, his eyes locking onto mine. The pain in them was excruciating. "But…I think the second I give you that number, you'll give up on us. On me. Can't you understand why I don't want…why I can't…can't you understand?" he begged, his voice breaking. It was now his turn to squeeze his eyes shut against the world, drawing one deep shaky breath he let out in a rush. "I'm terrified of losing you."

I knew I should say something. Reassure him, hug him, kiss him, something to say, no, Jacob, you're wrong. I'm in love with you. It's enough for me, what we have.

But it would all be a lie. And I was tired of lies.

"I…I don't know what to say," I whispered instead, the tears finally coming. I swallowed against the lump in my throat as the tears began to fall, unchecked.

"I'm going to go get your truck," he said gruffly after a long silent moment, picking his bike up from where he had leaned it against a tree. He kicked it to life, holding the helmet in his hands as he looked back over his shoulder to me. "I'll be right back." His eyes never met mine.

The motorcycle roared to life, and then he was gone. The woods went quiet again, but not just quiet…silent. I shivered, but this time it had nothing to do with the cold. The silence was like the silence of my dream, the hairs on the back of my neck rising. I could feel eyes on me, and I knew they didn't belong to Jacob. I didn't particularly believe he would have one of the pack watching me while he was with me. Which left only one other option.

_What is she waiting for?_ I thought desperately as I hurried toward the bike, praying it would roar to life. The flight response was too pronounced to realize one small motorcycle was no match for a vampire at a dead run. _If she wants me, why isn't she attacking? Jacob will be back any minute. _Fighting the urge to become hysterical, I tried to start the bike. No luck.

_Hurry, Jake, hurry!_ I silently begged, crouching against the bike and scanning the woods frantically for a flash of red hair. I kept waiting for the paralyzing fear to take over, but it never came. My heart thudded heavily in my ears, filling the silence, until the faint rumble of the truck echoed through the woods. The sensation of being watched instantly lifted, and I sagged with relief. I wasn't sure what kind of game she was playing, but I was grateful the round was over.

"Jesus, Bella, you're white as a ghost," he said softly, rushing toward me. He put one hot hand against my cheek, murmuring softly to himself. "I need to take you to the ER. They need to check your head."

"Ok," I mumbled, tugging my jacket around me. I stumbled across the road, hauling myself into the cab of the truck and leaning back against the worn seats. The familiar scent of it washed over me, the lingering smell of Jacob a comforting welcome. It never failed to amaze me how difficult it was to stay angry with him.

He made quick work of loading the bikes before setting off for the hospital. Too tired to care, I leaned against him, shivering uncontrollably from the cold and the scare I had gotten. His warmth soothed me, calmed me, and I was able to stop shaking by the time I stepped from the truck to the damp pavement. The drizzle had started again.

"Bella," Jacob said softly as he came around. He took me in his arms for one brief moment, a light hug. His forehead pressed against mine, his breath washing over me. I closed my eyes, not wanting to take the moment from him; it was beginning to seem like I might soon be taking a lot more. He kissed my cheeks softly, brushed his lips across mine once, and then kissed my forehead as he led me toward the door.

One more white lie of a story later, I was bandaged and hustled back into the truck. Jacob drove us back to his house and cut the engine, leaving us in the driveway. "Do you want to come in?" he asked quietly, picking at the steering wheel where the leather was cracking. "Billy would love for you to hang out for the night."

"No, I think I need to go home. I'm pretty tired," I said gently, yawning for effect. The day had been exhausting. I shivered as I thought of the silence of the woods and assured myself someone would be watching tonight. As angry as he made me, I trusted Jacob.

"Ok," he agreed with a sigh. He turned toward me, his brown eyes wide and hesitant. "I wasn't kidding earlier. I'm not letting you go without a fight." His features set into a look of determination. "Maybe…maybe even if he does come back…maybe you've just built him up into something he isn't anymore…in your memory…"

"Jake," I protested, a note of warning in my tone. "Jake, really, I'm too tired for this."

He was silent, but reached for me, folding me into a gentle embrace. His lips brushed against my cheek, his breath hot on my neck as he slowly pulled away. He leaned forward once more, planting one final kiss on my forehead before reaching for the door handle. "Please call me if…if you need me. Or…anything else," he tacked on, stepping down as I scooted across the seat to drive myself home. His eyes settled on mine for one more long moment before he turned his back to walk back to the house.

I bit down on my lip, hard. I wanted that phone number. His words echoed back to me, his conflicting promise that at once said he knew we would be over once I made that call, but at the same time swore to fight for me. Was Jacob willing to fight a losing battle? Was that endearing or…something else?

"Jake," I whispered, knowing he would hear me. He was nearly on his porch, all but a shadow now, but the shadow paused. "I…I, um…" I trailed off, chewing on my lip. Could I do this to him? Was it even worth the pain I was about to inflict? Would I even be able to bring myself to call that number? Jacob's shadow was stock still as he waited. "I…I need that phone number."

"I'll text it to you when I find it," he replied, his voice choked and strained. His shoulders slumped visibly as the porch light hit him, now closer to the door. "Go home and get some rest," he added, the words forced, the affection faked. "I love you."

For the first time, those three little words brought nothing but pain.

Chapter title = taking back sunday


	6. It's not a dream anymore it's worth for

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

6. it's not a dream anymore it's worth fighting for

I was anxious the entire drive home. The rain had begun again in earnest and I drove slowly, peering carefully through the windshield. The roads were incredibly dark in the downpour, with only the occasional streetlight at intersections to guide my way. I gripped my phone tightly in my right hand as I drove, curling my fingers around it as I shifted the truck and tapped anxiously on the steering wheel.

Jacob had sworn to text me the number when he found it, but I knew he wouldn't have to look. He was delaying as much as he could; he knew how long it took me to get home, and he knew I would at least give him that much. Maybe he was hoping I would change my mind on the drive. Maybe he was hoping it was a bad dream. I was very well acquainted with that feeling.

By the time I got home, the house was dark. _Charlie must have gotten called into the station,_ I thought, glancing around the dark driveway. _No cruiser._ It was seldom, but not entirely unheard of, for him to be gone on a Sunday night. At least it would make it easier to hide my scraped hand from him. I ran quickly from the truck to the cover of the porch and paused for a moment, breathing in the fresh air.

I leaned against the rail, staring out into the dark night. I remembered plenty of dark nights with Edward, watching the rain steadily fall in his arms; I remembered the comfort of his arms on his leather sofa, the massive panes of glass showcasing the infinite span of night beyond the windows. All I could see from Charlie's front porch was the rain running down the driveway and joining a leaf-clogged stream forming along the curb.

Pain lashed anew as I thought about Edward, about Jacob. I felt helpless, unable to control myself. I wanted Jacob to put distance between us so I wouldn't have to do it. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting him, but I knew I had to. It wasn't that I didn't love Jake – there was a part of me that definitely did. But not the way I loved Edward…never the way I loved Edward. The more I thought about him, the more I was disgusted with myself for my behavior with Jacob. Romantic feelings aside, Jacob had been the closest thing I had ever had to a best friend. What right did I have to treat him this way? Maybe it had been one thing when I was certain Edward wasn't coming back… but now? Now there seemed to be a chance he would return.

_He misses you_. Alice's words echoed in my thoughts as I drew in a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut. _Alice wouldn't have gotten involved with this if she didn't believe there was a real chance she could convince him to return. She wouldn't do this to me. _

_Still don't know it's Alice_, I reminded myself, folding my arms down on the rail. I leaned against them, the rain splashing lightly from the eve against my skin. I shivered from the sudden coolness and drew another deep breath, holding it for a long moment before letting it all rush back out in a heavy sigh.

"C'mon, Jake," I mumbled to myself, flipping open my phone to check for messages. Nothing. A part of me wondered if maybe he would refuse to send it, avoid me, pretend he forgot. It wouldn't be like Jacob to avoid the issue; it he was going to refuse he would have from the beginning.

The chill of the rain drove me inside, kicking off my sneakers and dragging myself up the stairs. I stopped in the bathroom for a quick dose of Advil for my throbbing hand and then eased my way into my bedroom. Fully clothed, I threw myself on the bed without turning on any lights, watching the rain from the comfort of my bedroom.

I needed Jacob to send me the phone number before I lost my nerve. In the height of my emotional turmoil, running off the adrenaline of indignity, I was fully prepared to call the Cullen residence, wherever that now was, and demand to know who was sending the cryptic text messages. And why, after bringing her down on me, none of them could be bothered to do something about Victoria. _She shouldn't be the pack's problem; she should be a Cullen problem_, I seethed, thinking about the terror I had felt on the road earlier in the day, convinced she was coming for me. _Where were Alice and her ridiculous text messages then?_

It was as I was fading in to sleep that my phone buzzed. Instantly I snapped it open, wide awake. All the message contained was a phone number. No smiley face, no comment; just the number. I glanced at the exchange, puzzled. It was a Washington number. Could they have really been that close all along? What distractions were there in Seattle when you had the entire world to roam?

_360-374-3232_

I stared at the number is amazement. Not just a Washington number, a Forks number. _Maybe it's just a cell phone?_ I wondered, intent on the numbers. I would know if they were still here. But wouldn't I also know this number already? I thought hard, running over the cell phone numbers of Alice and Edward. Nope, not them. It was true I didn't know anyone else's number off the top of my head, but with Alice as my prime suspect…

The ten digits stared back at me, daring me to use them. I had wanted this so badly, and now I had it. And I had no idea what to do with it.

_Are you really going to have put Jake through all this for nothing?_ I chided, forcing myself into motion. _No. You can't do this to him. You hurt him just asking for this number. At least have the decency to use it._ I fished a pen from my desk drawer and began to copy down the number, my fingers trembling with the effort. Though I wrote painfully slow, the task was soon done. A shakier version of the numbers glared up from the stark relief of the white paper than the glow of my phone.

My heart pounded in my ears loud enough I was nearly certain whoever Jacob had watching me tonight would be worried I was going to have a heart attack. I forced myself to calm, the pounding fading into a sick throb I could feel all over my body. I drew deep breath after deep breath down into my lungs, warding off a panic attack. _You __**need**__ to do this_, I told myself sternly, flipping the phone back open. Before I could lose my resolve I quickly punched in the numbers and hit send.

Alice picked up on the first ring. Of course she did. I barely let her get a "hello" out before I was whispering furiously as quietly as I could manage, "Listen to me, Alice Cullen, and you listen good. I don't know what the hell you think you've been doing but you're going to explain it to me. And you're only going to do that when you're alone and no one can over hear. And you will _not_ tell anyone, and I mean anyone, who is on the phone. I don't care what ridiculous Latin you need to recite to keep him out but-"

"I am alone," she cut me off, laughter in her voice. If Alice was capable of squealing in delight, then that was what she was doing. "I knew it, I knew it!"

"What did you know?" I demanded through gritted teeth. Part of me was stunned I was speaking to Alice, convinced this was just a dream. The other part of me wanted answers.

"That you would call, silly," she replied in her sing-song Alice voice. "Oh, Bella, it's so good to hear your voice. I've missed you!"

"I missed you too," I choked out, tears rising. The anger went out of me so suddenly I nearly fell back on my bed. The rage had been keeping me going and without it, the despair closed in. "God, Alice, I miss you."

"Me too, me too," she sighed before she began again. "Listen, I'm sorry to be all cryptic with the texts. I just had to know…that you wanted us back in your life."

"Oh course I wanted you back in my life, Alice! Why…why would you think I didn't? Why…why didn't you ever call me?" I questioned, trying desperately to keep the hurt out of my voice.

"Well…Edward, um, well he said…"

"Alice Cullen, what the hell did he say to you?" I demanded, my voice darkening again. The rage was returning, simmering in the pit of my stomach. I had always assumed Edward had forbidden the family to be involved with me, if for some reason they weren't already keeping their distance for their own reasons. Alice's tone was suggesting something much different…

I could picture the way Alice's eyes would be darting around the room, desperately trying to think of a convincing story in place of the truth. Finally, she said softly, "Bella, it's not important now."

"The hell it's not!"

"Bella…" She sighed heavily and I squeezed my eyes shut. It was so good to hear Alice's voice, to hear the tinkling, musical bells saying my name. I missed her. She had been like a sister – I had always thought one day she _would _be my sister – and I had wished for her time and time again. If I could have talked to anyone about the whole Jake/Edward mess, it would have been Alice. "I always thought he was lying, you know, or if not lying…leaving parts out. He…he said he had convinced you that our lives were too dangerous for you…that you never wanted to give up your family to really be with us…and it would be easier for everyone if we just went away."

Each of her words slashed new wounds, each lie twisted the rage and hurt deeper and deeper into a pit of snakes in my stomach. "Alice, he was lying," I finally choked out, tears pouring down my face. I was hurt and rage all wrapped in one package, with a neat bow of despair. "Why…why would he…?"

"I don't know," she replied softly, but I could hear it in her voice she was none too pleased with her brother either. "Bella…what happened? And besides that, what the hell ever possessed you to jump off a cliff? Thank god you didn't actually do it but…"

"You saw that?"

"Of course I saw that. I saw it and I was terrified, and I called Edward and…" My mind raced as Alice continued to speak, unheard. Alice had seen me jump. Alice had told Edward I had jumped. I reached back into my memory of that afternoon, knowing there was something important there. What was it? The phone had rung and …

"He called," I broke in suddenly, oblivious to whatever Alice had been saying. "He called that day…"

"Yes, I know," she said impatiently. "I was just telling you I tried to convince him to go back to Forks, that obviously whatever you two thought was wrong, that you weren't better off without him at all if you thought it was a good idea to go cliff jumping in that weather. Bella, I checked the weather that day. There was a _hurricane_ off the coast. What were you thinking?! I'm so glad you didn't go through with it."

"But I did," I replied. Puzzled, I furrowed my brow, squeezing my eyes shut against the sudden crush of memories. Edward's imagined voice, Edward's imagined concern, the ice of the water as I hit it, the pull and push of the waves all at once, Jacob's arms around me as he pulled me from the torrent. "I did jump, Alice. Jacob pulled me out of the water."

I could hear the sharp intake of breath, the shock in Alice's voice as she replied, "Jacob Black?"

"Yes, Jacob Black."

"Bella, stay away from him. He's dangerous."

"He's my boyfriend."

"Are you out of your mind?" she shrieked. I held the phone away from my ear, Alice's volume nearly painful.

"Listen, Alice," I replied tersely, cutting off her tirade. "Edward told me he didn't want me. He's been gone for almost a year. I have a right to not be alone. Did he just want me to sit here and waste away while he was busy with his _distractions?!_"

"Oh Bella," she sighed heavily, and I could hear my pain echoed in her voice. "No, frankly, I'm beginning to think he deserves that. But Jacob Black is not the…man for you to be around. He's very dangerous, Bella."

"I know _exactly_ what he is," I snapped back, annoyed. I had always been on Jacob's case for his less than savory terms for the Cullens, yet I was being met with the same sort of resistance. I could understand Alice's loyalty to her brother, but…

Alice was silent for a long moment, and then sighed heavily. "Promise me you're being careful," she begged quietly. I could hear the concern in her voice, and it brought a small smile to my lips to think how the words could be misconstrued. _Don't worry, Alice_, I thought silently, _I'm being careful all around._

"Yes, Alice," I replied dutifully, working hard to keep the bitterness out of my voice. I knew Jacob wouldn't hurt me like I had known Edward would never hurt me. On paper, both were dangerous predators, but I knew them; neither of them would live with themselves, in any form, if they laid a hand on me.

She paused for another lengthy moment, and then said softly, "He really told you he didn't want you?"

"Yes," I whispered, the words nearly catching in my throat. I held my eyes wide open to fight against the barrage of images, the memory playing like a terrible movie over and over again against the back of my eyelids. I had relived those moments too many times to count.

"And you believed him?"

"Of course I believed him. Alice he's not…well, I never thought ya know…I mean." I was babbling, with no way of explaining to myself. I couldn't tell Alice what I really thought; I had never been good enough for Edward, so it had all made a strange kind of sense to me. Edward was beautiful, and powerful, and incredibly smart. What did he want with me, other than a summer's distraction? He had said himself it got terribly boring living forever.

"Oh, Bella…" she sighed heavily, real pain in her voice. "Edward's been…he's been a mess. I think he knows what a mistake he's made. He's been miserable without you. I don't know why he ever…why he would do that! He's so _stupid_ sometimes."

"That's great, Alice," I snapped back sarcastically, the rage simmering to the top again. "That's all fine and good, but if that's how he feels _then where the hell is he?_"

"I don't know," she whispered. "I've been looking for him, and sometimes I think he's in Forks, but then sometimes I don't know. He keeps changing his mind so his future is…blurry."

"He's in Forks?" I replied, stunned. All those times I had felt eyes on me, I had assumed Jacob. I had assumed Victoria out in the woods the day I fell from my bike, but she had never attacked. What if it hadn't been Victoria, or Jacob? What if those eyes, those eyes I could always feel, what if that was Edward? What if he saw me with Jacob, and _that_ was what was keeping him away? Was it my own damn fault Edward was within grasp but I was the one keeping him from being with me?

"I'm not sure," Alice replied hesitantly. "Listen, I'm not far. I need to get a car back in the area so it's going to take me a few hours to drive there. Tell Charlie you're sick and can't go to school in the morning. Tomorrow, we're going to talk."

"O…ok…" I stuttered, floored. Alice was coming to Forks? Alice was going to just drop whatever she was doing to come back? For me? A rush of relief surged through me and I sagged back against the mattress with the force of it. No matter what Edward's problem with me was, Alice didn't have one. Alice still cared about me, still loved me, and was going to help. "Thank you," I whispered into the phone, clutching it against me, clinging to the promise of seeing Alice again, and soon.

"Get some sleep. I'll see you soon!" she assured, and then, nearly too quietly and quickly for me to hear, "I'm going to kill that idiot brother of mine…" The line went dead and I was left alone in my bedroom, the panic rising. Talking to Alice, being in some kind of action, had kept the overwhelming emotion at bay, but left to the silence it all came rushing out.

I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the lump in my throat to go away with the intense waves of nausea. Alice was coming back. In a few short hours, I would see her smiley pixie face, be able to throw my arms around her devious little neck.

Edward had done nothing but tell lies for the last year.

Edward may have been in Forks for weeks but couldn't so much as say hello.

I barely made it to the bathroom before my stomach heaved. Having eaten next to nothing after my morning with the cool tile floor, there was nothing to come up. The dry heaves continued as I clung to the porcelain, waiting for something to come up, or for the gut wrenching tears to stop_. Get it together_, I told myself sternly, _get it together before Charlie comes home_. I forced deep breath after deep breath into my lungs, cringing as I heard the door slam shut a few moments later.

"Bells?" he called into the empty house, the soles of his shoes echoing on the hardwood floors. I heard the familiar jangle of his keys as they landed on the kitchen counter, the rustle of polyester as he shrugged out of his jacket.

"Upstairs!" I called, my voice gravely and rough. Inspiration hit as his footsteps began to ascend and I reached for the flush. Charlie walked in to find me half laying on the bathroom floor, my hair everywhere, my cheeks flushed and tear stained.

He said nothing for a long moment, panic flickering across his stern features before they calmed into something gentler. "Still not feeling well?"

"No," I moaned, clutching at my stomach for effect. "I feel awful."

"Alright, kid, well let's get you to bed then. This floor's too cold for you to be lying on. I knew I should have told you to stay home today," he mumbled, leaning down to help me to my feet. I shoved my injured hand behind me, leaning heavily against Charlie as he led me back to my room. With only the bedside lamp on, the light was too dim for him to notice the scrapes running along my arm. He waited until I had settled against the pillows, planted one gentle kiss on my forehead and went out, flipping the light off.

Once Charlie was out of sight, I grabbed blindly on the nightstand for my cell phone, gripping it tightly. _This is real_, I told myself sternly, fighting another wave of nausea. _Alice is coming. Edward might be a liar and a whole host of other things, but Alice is coming back._

Yet as I lay in my bed, willing sleep to come and pass the next few hours quickly for me, I couldn't help but wonder if Edward was out there somewhere. I knew members of the pack were close to my house, so Edward getting close would be nearly impossible without them catching his scent. Jacob spent enough time in my bedroom that if Edward had resumed his previous habit of sneaking in while I slept, he would have smelled him.

Unless…

When James had been tracking me, Edward had managed to confuse the scents long enough to throw him off. And James had been a very good tracker, intent on his pray. The wolves were looking for Victoria, and had grown accustomed to her scent as they sought her out. It was also the first time they had actively tried to hunt someone down; James had made a hobby of it.

_Oh Edward_, I sighed mentally, curling my arms tightly around myself. It was a nice thought, but it was a foolish one. Edward hadn't been here. I would have felt him if he had been in my room, my dreams would have felt him. I hadn't dreamt of Edward in a very long time…except for that one dream about him and Jacob.

_Stop it_, I cautioned myself fiercely, gripping my comforter tightly. _This line of thought isn't going to get you anywhere. Silly hopes for Edward lurking out there in the shadows, protecting and watching over you, __**still caring**__ about you__, are going to get you nowhere. Focus on reality; focus on Alice racing toward Forks. She's probably driving fast enough to break the sound barrier. _

The thought brought a smile to my lips and I closed my eyes, willing sleep to come…and just this once, it did as it was bid.

I awoke with a start to see topaz eyes framed with pale skin mere inches from my face, cool breath washing over me. "Edward?" I mumbled sleepily, rubbing at my eyes.

There was a heavy sigh, and a cool hand tangled its fingers with mine. "No, sweetie, it's Alice," she said gently as I forced my eyes open anew. Without preamble, I threw myself forward, Alice's arms wrapping around me as I clung to her. If she had been human, my embrace may have bruised her arms. Tears sprang to my eyes as I drew in a shaky, deep breath. It was real. Alice was really here.

"Oh, Bella…" She sighed, stroking my hair as I sobbed into her designer T-shirt. _She's going to kill me for crying all over her shirt_, I thought, sniffling and pushing myself back. My hair fell into my eyes, creating a curtain between us.

"Sorry, Alice," I mumbled, my eyes focusing on the comforter.

"Don't be sorry," she replied quickly, her tone firm. She poked her head down, catching my gaze as she contorted herself. "If anyone's apologizing, it's me. I can't believe I listened to him. He's an idiot. _I'm _an idiot. Can you please forgive me?"

I stared at her incredulously, waiting for her to smile or give some inclination she was joking. Instead she met my gaze, expectant and perfectly serious. "Alice, really, you don't have to apologize. It's not your fault."

"It is at least in part," she returned, settling on the end of my bed as I leaned against the headboard, drawing the blankets back around me. It was just before dawn, and my room was still dark and chilly. Yet Alice's eyes could see me perfectly, and I could feel her gaze as she made an assessment. "But he's definitely to blame. My God, Bella. Look at you…" she whispered, the last statement more to herself than to me. I could feel my cheeks begin to flush as her stare grew more intent.

I knew what she saw. Sallow skin, deep purple bruises under my eyes, which were probably red and glassy from the tears I couldn't seem to stop shedding. My hair was a frightful sight, my cheeks red and blotchy in places. I had easily lost ten pounds off my already narrow frame after Edward had left, weight I didn't seem to be able to gain back.

She took a deep breath and I figured whatever examination she had been conducting was over. Her eyes settled back on mine, and they were unyielding. "Ok," she said gently, folding herself down on the bed. "Tell me the whole story. And please don't edit the way Edward does," she tacked on, the old Alice authority ringing in her voice.

So I did. I told her everything I could think of, down to the minutest detail. I began with Edward's words as he left me in the forest, explained how Sam had found me, how Jacob had become everything to me. Trying not to hesitate, or let the flush of my embarrassment deter me, I told Alice about the cliff diving, about Jacob. I told her how Jacob had been more than a friend. And even as her eyes narrowed, I told her about Victoria, and about how the pack was trying to protect me. Though I tried to keep interjections out of my story, I got a begrudging admittance from her that the pack had been doing a passable job of protecting me in the Cullen absence. I moved on to tell Alice how someone had been watching me, how I figured it was anyone other than Edward, and probably was, but that a nagging suspicion was eating at me. I had only begun to really think about him, to be consumed by thoughts of him, in the last week. I had tied it originally to that oh so painful anniversary quickly approaching, but maybe now it was something more…?

I cried throughout the entire story, my voice raw and choking by the end. I watched Alice's face as I told the story, watched the shock and dismay, rage and sorrow flicker through her watchful gaze, saw the tension flare in her jaw. When I was finished, I let out a heavy sigh, relieved. It was over. I had purged myself of the entire story, dragged out everything I had to give to Alice. Exhausted, yes, but I felt better having put it all into words.

It took hours to get it all out, in a furious whisper when I heard Charlie moving about, and again in my usual tones once the cruiser had departed. Alice had parked far enough away to be beyond Charlie's notice.

When I was through, I peeked through my eyelashes, now drying again, to examine Alice. She looked furious.

"Bella, I'm so sorry," she said first, her usually calm voice coming through gritted teeth. Her eyes locked on mine, holding me helpless in her gaze. "I don't care how stupid or stubborn Edward is, you're like a sister to me. I should have never left you here with this. I should have known…I should have known the two of you can't be apart now, not after everything." She paused, watching again, carefully. It was like she was waiting for me to break apart in front of her. "And after everything you've told me, I think Edward is in Forks. I haven't been out to the house yet; I came straight here. But let me tell you, I'm going to march right up to that third floor and…"

"No!" I burst out, shoving myself forward to kneel in front of her. I grabbed her hands and held them in mine, trying to ignore how her smooth, icy skin reminded me of Edward. "Alice, you can't."

"Why not?" she demanded with her usual defiance. Her eyes flashed with annoyance as she eyed me and she rolled her eyes. _Typical Alice._ "Bella, the two of you are utterly ridiculous. He's moping around like a lost puppy, and you're clearly not right without him."

"I've managed," I replied stubbornly, refusing to meet her gaze. I knew it was true; without Edward, I was a shell of my former self. But I didn't like it. I loved Edward, loved him with everything I had, and it had nearly killed me to not have his love anymore. While I desperately wanted that love back, I was terrified of what could happen if he walked away again. I had been shattered, nearly given up on my life without him and I couldn't put Charlie through it again. Watching what it had done to my father had almost been worse than what I felt, and saw, each night when I closed my eyes.

"Bella," Alice said gently, her hand reaching out to grasp mine. She took a deep breath, and said softly, "Do you still love him?"

"Of course!" I answered immediately, my gaze snapping up. I didn't trust him not to leave again, and I was bitterly angry at him for coming back but not seeing me, but I was still as irrevocably in love with him as the day we met in biology class. "Of course, Alice, but it's not… it's not that easy." I bit my lip, playing with the edge of the comforter. Thinking of Jacob, I squeezed my eyes shut. Alice being here was much different than me making phone calls. I knew in my heart he had been right; I had set a ball rolling by asking for that phone number that couldn't be put back.

"Because of Jacob Black?"

"Yes. And because of other things." I begged silently for Alice to understand as I took another deep breath. The words came out in one big rush, "Alice, I'm terrified of him. I love him so badly it hurts. And it's hurt a whole lot this last year. I've felt every day like I'm about to go to pieces, to just shatter all over the floor. I feel broken in a way I never knew possible, and I don't even know if Edward can put the pieces back together. I can't stand the thought of hurting Jacob, but I don't know how I can avoid that and have Edward again. And I desperately want Edward to come back to me, but I'm terrified he will and I'll just be this bitter, hurt girl, who can't let go of the past. This girl who's terrified at every second, every time I say or do something he doesn't like, that he's going to leave. I'm terrified because I know the only way we can really stay together is if he agrees to make me one of you, but he's so thoroughly against it, I don't see a way around it. Which means, one day, we will have to say good bye again and I just don't know that I can deal with a relationship with an expiration date!" I finally ended, fighting the hysterical edge creeping into my voice. Yet Alice, thankfully, only shook her head and let a tiny smile grace her features for the first time since I had begun my tale.

"Bella Swan, Edward doesn't even come close to deserving you. And you remember that," she tacked on, flinging her arms around me in a hug. She held me for a long moment, then released me and jumped up. "Look, I can't fix some of this. Edward's going to have to prove himself to you, and he's going to have to grovel a bit. I think it'll be good for him. But…" An evil glimmer came into her eyes, a look on Alice I knew all too well. She had a plan. And I wasn't especially going to like it. "But we are going to make him realize just what a colossal moron he is before that." She grabbed my hand and hauled me off the bed before I could protest.

Chapter title = paramore


	7. would someone care to classify our broke

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

7. would someone care to classify our broken hearts and twisted minds

Alice's idea of cheering me up versus how I would have preferred to spend the day varied greatly. The level of discomfort I felt from her plot was oddly…comforting.

Following the morning's intensely emotional conversation, Alice had thrown at me the first pair of jeans she found on my floor with a worn hoodie. Without so much as a "please" she yanked me down the stairs and out into the rain. We were flying down the road in Carlisle's Mercedes before I managed to demand to know where we were going.

"To cheer you up!" she had replied brightly, flashing one of her usual Alice grins that meant she was going to enjoy the day way more than I was. "By tomorrow, you're going to feel a million times better."

As she tore down the road, a part of me was terrified she was going to take me back to the Cullen mansion for our therapy session, but thankfully she turned north toward Port Angeles.

As it were, that turned out to be nearly as bad, minus the painful Edward memories I knew would practically ooze out of the walls at the house.

First stop on Alice's list was clothes. It was true I hadn't bought myself anything in the last year, and I suspected shopping came right after Jasper on Alice's list of things to bother living for. Alice solved that problem right quick; jeans, T-shirts, skirts so short I immediately planned to hide them in the depths of my closet, heels I would kill myself in, sneakers I begrudgingly admitted to loving instantly. I clung to the hoodie as I pulled it back over my head; soft, worn, with a few small holes, it was what I practically lived in most days. I was terrified when the day was over Alice was going to steal it.

From the shopping excursion, next came a spa visit. Beaming at me like a proud mother, Alice quickly ordered up the works. No amount of cajoling would keep her from anything less than a facial, massage, manicure and pedicure…and no amount of my glaring could wipe the smile off her face. She was in her element, "oooing" and "ahhing" over the latest nail polish and make up colors. I got the sense that the latest Cullen hideaway had been far, far from civilization.

Though being that naked in front of a stranger had me completely unnerved at first, the massage did feel amazing. I knew how tense I had been the last month, hell, the last year, but I felt like a part of me was still unwilling to relax, no matter what; I was just waiting, waiting, for _something_ to give.

I walked out of the massage room with a deep breath, spying Alice lounging in one of the reception area chairs. A glance outside showed it was starting to get dark. My stomach grumbled as I walked out, stopping in front of Alice with an expectant glance. _Charlie's going to kill me when he finds out I've been home from school to go shopping with Alice_, I thought, glancing at the clock. He would definitely already be home when I got there, no matter how fast Alice drove.

"I already called Charlie," she said, bouncing to her feet. She took my hand and began to tug me toward the door, completely ignoring my incredulous gaping. "And I know you're starving. I guess I got a little carried away, huh? Completely forgot about the human things," she continued as we stepped out onto the sidewalk. She opened the passenger door for me and hurried me into the car, the chill in the September air making me shiver.

"Um, Alice, I really don't eat that much," I began, noticing the bulging shopping bag on the passenger floor. It was crammed with different kinds of chips, sandwiches, fruits, and several varieties of drink.

"I thought you'd like a choice," she answered defensively, sticking her bottom lip out at me. The car purred to life as I buckled my seatbelt, reaching for the food. My stomach gave another growl as the smell of freshly toasted bread reached my nose. _Delicious._ I selected a mozzarella tomato basil sandwich with some kettle chips and dug in. After not eating all day, and losing Sunday to the porcelain god, the meal was divine. I had to admit, though I was terrified of encouraging a repeat episode, I felt a lot better. Maybe it was just having Alice around – it was hard to be stressed and upset with her bright smile in your face all day long – but I felt calm and relaxed in a way I couldn't remember for a long time.

"Thank you," I said softly as I finished my sandwich. "Really Alice. Not just for all this," I gestured around the car, "but for coming back to Forks. It means…more than I can say."

Her eyes left the road, hovering on mine for a brief moment with a cheerful smile. "I knew you'd come around to enjoy the shopping!" she enthused, mischief dancing in her eyes. "This is just a start!"

"Alice," I warned, fishing an apple out of the bag and crunching into it. Ignoring the frightening speedometer, I concentrated on the apple and not getting juice all over myself. I failed miserably, ending up with sticky hands and a spotted sweatshirt – and rising blood pressure every time I glanced at how quickly we were speeding back to Forks.

Thankfully, Alice deposited me back at my house in one piece. Puzzled by the absence of Charlie's cruiser, I helped Alice carry all the bags up to my room. They barely fit inside my small closet, and I was too tired to put them all away. I fell back on my bed, watching as Alice began the task for me, hanging shirts and folding jeans.

"Comfortable?" she asked with a chuckle, eyeing me as she folded.

"Quite," I shot back, shoving my hands into the pockets of my sweatshirt. _You're not taking it away_, I told her mentally. _This sweatshirt is all mine._

"Ok, well, I put most of it away," she began, but I noticed a bundle of clothing in her hands. She wrinkled her nose as she came closer, one eye on the window. "I have to go now, but I want you to just do me one favor and wear this tomorrow." She thrust the pile of clothes at me, kissed my cheek and was gone before I could even protest. _Strange_, I thought, shaking out the bundle on my bed. It didn't seem too painful – skinny jeans in a dark wash with a deep purple V-neck sweater. I had to admit the sweater was wonderfully soft when I had tried it on, and wearing it wouldn't be so bad. The jeans were much tighter than I thought they had a right to be, but if it would make Alice happy…and I would wear the hoodie over all of it. _She never said I could wear __only__ the clothes she picked out for me._

Plus, the shoes tucked into the pile were a ridiculous pair of heels she couldn't honestly expect me to navigate the high school in. As I was fishing through several shoe boxes in search of something more comfortable, I heard the soft pad of feet behind me. The smell of Jacob enveloped me seconds before his arms.

"Hi Jake," I sighed, Alice's sudden departure making more sense. I grabbed the boots I had been looking for and stood, throwing them on the rocking chair with the rest of tomorrow's outfit.

"New clothes?" he asked, one eyebrow lifted.

"Yeah. Alice," I said, hoping that would explain everything. I had told Jacob enough about Alice and her love of all shops that he should let the subject drop.

"I see. So she's back in Forks? Are the rest of the…them, are the rest of them with her?"

"I don't know," I replied, heaving another giant sigh and dropping to perch on the edge of my bed.

"Well you need to find out, otherwise there might be an accident. Remember, we're out there hunting a vampire? One _trying to kill you_?"

"I recall," I shot back through gritted teeth. Apparently it wasn't the social call I had assumed it would be. Jacob was still standing in front of me, his hands curled into tight fists at his side. His eyes were narrowed in concentration and glued to my face. "Alice is the only one here that I know of. We…think, well, we're guessing there might be another. But we're not sure," I added as he opened his mouth to speak again. "Jake, I'll tell you when I know, ok?"

"Which?"

"Which what?"

"Honestly, Bella, you're not stupid so don't play that you are. Who do you and the leech girl think is here with you?"

I glared at him before answering. "_Alice_ and I think…well it might be…Edward," I finally whispered, the admittance of my theory to another person making me feel ridiculous. Jacob had sat through many occasions where I had thought I had caught a glimpse of Edward in Forks, or I dreamt of him and woke up thinking it was him in my bedroom in place of Jacob. Telling him now I thought Edward was back was not getting the best reaction.

"Get sure. As your boyfriend I think I have a right to know if your ex is out there skulking around," he seethed, crossing his arms defensively across his chest. I winced at the term boyfriend, and it didn't fail to escape his notice. "I am still your boyfriend, Bella…?" he asked softly, his posture relaxing minutely. He moved closer, dropping down to his knees and placing his hands in mine.

"I…I don't know," I finally choked out, avoiding his gaze. I felt the muscles in his forearms tense where they rested against the top of my thighs, but I couldn't bear to look at him. I would see pain in his eyes I had never wanted to be the cause of.

"You don't know?" he finally repeated, his tone flat, emotionless. It was worse than the pain I had heard the night before.

"I just…I don't want to make this harder for you."

"You mean, harder for you, right Bella?" He tugged his hands out of mine, getting to his feet in a rush of movement. His arms folding tightly across his chest once more, his eyes burned back at mine as I raised my gaze. "So he _might _be back and that's it? We're just done? That's great Bella. I'm so glad I could keep his spot in your bed warm while he was off breaking your heart or whatever. It's fine. Next time your boyfriend up and leaves you, just call Jacob. He makes an excellent place holder." His tone defined bitter.

"Jake," I whispered, his name catching in my throat. Silent tears were streaming down my cheeks as I stood on shaky feet. "Jake, please, it wasn't like that…it's not like that…I didn't mean…"

"I don't see how it can be any other way," he spat, backing away from me as I tried to reach for his hand. It hurt more than a slap in the face.

"I…I'm sorry," I cried quietly as he began to walk back toward the window. I could see shadows pacing by the trees, the shapes of the other pack members keeping guard. "Jake, please, don't go. Please…please don't do this." I reached for his hand, my fingers brushing against his hot skin before he jerked his hand back. As he turned to face me, his eyes burning, I saw a faint tremble in him; he was shaking.

"Bella, I just need one favor right now, ok?" I nodded, afraid to speak. "Don't touch me." I swallowed a sob threatening to break free at his harsh tone, taking a step back. Jacob launched himself from the window, but it was the thud of paws hitting the grass seconds later. I watched as the russet wolf joined the pack, their muscled legs kicking up chunks of grass as they launched themselves forward. At the speed they were going, it would barely be twenty minutes to Canada. It may have been my imagination, but I swore a pale shadow snuck out behind one of the trees and darted after them.

_Wishful thinking_, I told myself sternly, wishing for Edward. Or Alice. I had taken the first step in fixing things with Edward, and though he didn't realize it, with Jacob as well. His words had torn into me mostly because they were true. I hadn't meant to do it, and I certainly hadn't done it on purpose, but I had hurt Jacob, and used him, and I deserved his ire. My only hope remained that one day, he would forgive me. Edward would always win in the battle for my heart, but Jacob needed to be a part of my life for me to feel complete.

I dreamt of Edward again that night.

Mostly, I dreamt of Edward's eyes, deep flecks of gold floating in caramel honey. I dreamt of them staring back at me as we lay in the meadow, the sun setting his skin alight with rainbows, his cool touch everywhere. The dream was incredibly vivid; I woke up nuzzling my face into the pillow, still lost in the dream that made it Edward. The softness of the pillow against my face in place of the hard stone of Edward's chest brought reality crashing down. No Edward. No Jacob either. And who the hell knew where Alice was.

I couldn't sleep after the dream, waking at some early hour which left the morning deep black. I had left the window open after Jacob's departure, a sort of open invitation for him to return even though I knew he wouldn't. He needed time to calm down before we could realistically have a conversation instead of a screaming match. My curtains fluttered in the breeze, the slap of raindrops on the pavement below echoing in the quiet. I tried for the better part of an hour to will sleep to return before I gave up, flinging the blankets back.

Try as I might to read, or surf the net, or fall back asleep, nothing could hold my attention. My eyes kept flickering back to the window, searching. Edward's gaze from my dream held me hypnotized as my eyes scanned the forest over and over again. Could he really be in Forks and staying away from me? It was the second time he had run. The first time he had told me he thought it was impossible to ever leave me again…and then he had. Did he feel that way again, having returned? Or was he keeping his distance because he didn't? Or was he watching, waiting for Jacob to be out of the picture?

Giving up on sleep, I took an especially long, especially hot shower. To kill time, I carefully dried my hair and ran a flat iron through it. I had nothing else to hold my attention, and I figured it would give Alice something to smile about. I owed it to her after the thousands of dollars she had spent on me the day before, never mind her sudden return to Forks. My good mood didn't extend too far. Makeup was something even Alice wasn't winning on; two quick swipes of mascara and a layer of strawberry chapstick was as far as I was willing to take that one. I dressed, took one quick glance in the mirror and went downstairs to have a leisurely breakfast before school. It was barely seven.

I fidgeted against the counter as I ate. The boots would be comfortable in time; against all Alice protests that they were 'so three years ago' I had picked a pair of Ugg boots. I was tired of being cold and I knew from Jessica's constant babbling that these boots were definitely going to keep me toasty. My too-tight-for-my-liking jeans were tucked into the boots, which for once would keep them from dragging in the rain. The purple sweater was divinely soft, and the deep color showed off how creamy my skin was. It was too bad I was all dressed up for Alice instead of Edward…not that I was entirely sure she was even going to see my getup. I had wondered last night why she cared so badly which clothes I wore today anyway, but had been too tired to really question it. Standing in my kitchen with a bowl of Lucky Charms, I thought it over again and didn't like any of the answers.

Alice could show up at school today, reenroll, most likely with Jasper, and make up some story about being off at boarding school, or giving home schooling a whirl while Carlisle tried out a different hospital. Maybe she just wanted to see the fruit of her labor.

But knowing Alice, my eyes narrowed. Alice, for all her prodding and purchasing, mostly left me to my own clothing devices unless there was some occasion she felt the need to step in for. _Oh, no_, I panicked, nausea rising rapidly. I put the cereal bowl down quickly before I dropped it, my hands starting to shake.

_If Edward Cullen is at that school today, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown._

As if on queue, a banging on the door made me leap out of my skin. Charlie had left for the station while I was coming down the stairs, offering only a quick wave before he was backing out of the driveway. _He's been working too much_, I had worried, getting the cereal from the cabinet. _He needs a few days off…the year's supply of fish is getting low._

I walked on shaky legs to the door, peering carefully through the peephole. Alice's spiky black hair greeted me.

"Oh thank God," I muttered, flinging open the door. It looked like option A on my crazy possibility list was maybe the answer. No Edward.

"Bella, you're going to have a heart attack," Alice said mildly, glancing around the living room. Nothing had changed since she had last been in Charlie's house, so I wasn't quite sure what she was studying so intently. "What's got you so amped up this morning?"

"N, n…nothing," I mumbled, going back to the kitchen to rinse out my bowl. A quick glance at the clock meant it was time to go. "What are you doing here, anyway?" I asked, shoving my arms through the sleeves of my hoodie and pulling it down over my head. Alice shook her head in disapproval and then rolled her eyes, "Picking you up for school, silly."

"You're coming back to school?"

"Of course I'm coming back to school. Like the good doc Cullen would let his daughter just up and miss classes!" she answered, her eyes dancing mischievously. Alice's eyes glanced at me appreciatively for one long moment and then came the squeal of delight, "You look fantastic! Though I still hate the boots," she added, her tone going sour and brow furrowing. "Whatever, we'll just call it a stumbling block. Time to go! Don't want me to be late for my first day back, do you?"

"Please Alice, we could leave two minutes before the bell and you'd still be on time," I teased as we exited. I turned to lock the house behind me and then noticed the car in the driveway. It was bright yellow and expensive. "What the hell is that?"

"_That_ is a Porsche," Alice replied triumphantly. She sauntered over to the car, throwing open the passenger's door for me and waiting expectantly.

"What happened to inconspicuous?"

"Over-rated."

I laughed quietly at Alice's exuberance, buckling myself into the smooth leather seat. _Like Alice would really be content to drive around in Carlisle's boring black Mercedes._ She floored the gas as we pulled out of the driveway, slamming me back into the seat. Ordinarily I would have been terrified, but today I just giggled. I felt lighter with Alice around, like my laughter rang true instead of hollow even in my own ears.

The laugh died on my lips as we pulled into the parking lot. Jasper was there, but that wasn't the worst part. He was leaning against the back of a silver Volvo.

"Alice!" I hissed, my eyes glued to the car. "Alice. What. The. Fuck. Is. His. Car. Doing. Here."

"Well, it wasn't like he could run in this weather to school," she admonished me, her eyes betraying her true nervousness as they flickered quickly across my face. I glared at her, sinking deeper into the seat. Of all the times, and all the places, Alice thought the school parking lot was a good place? "Bella," she said gently, putting one hand lightly on my arm. Her tone had gone serious. "Listen, I just thought…you two need to see each other. You're like a ghost without him, and he's just a shell of what he was. I don't…I don't agree with what Edward did. Or how he did it. And I don't expect you to just snap your fingers and everything's ok, but _please_ just say hello, ok?"

"Alice, I can't 'just say hello' to _Edward._ Are you out of your mind?" I demanded, forcing as much anger into my glare as I could. My heart was pounding and my thoughts were racing. I both desperately wanted to start running through the school, searching for Edward…and tell Alice to bring me home _now._

"Bella…"

"Alice, really…how did you…has he been here this whole time?" I finally asked. I had to know how long Edward had been here…while not being here at the same time.

"A while," she answered reluctantly after a pause. I could feel Jasper's gaze on us, his golden eyes narrowed in concentration. I had a feeling it was his influence keeping me from going completely mental in the front seat of Alice's new very expensive toy. "Bella…last night, I went and found him. And we talked. And maybe I've told him some things you'd rather I didn't, but I think I did him the same favor. You need to talk to him."

"In the middle of a test?" I seethed back, thinking over the day's schedule. I had completely neglected my homework over the weekend, much too caught up in my own personal drama. _I know_, I thought wryly, _I'll just walk in and say I'm really sorry, but between my werewolf boyfriend becoming my ex-boyfriend, and the vampire hunting me, and the love of my life, aka my vampire ex, I just didn't have time to read up on Tudor England. Henry VIII had a bunch of wives, killed most of them, and basically did whatever he pleased, end of story._

I'd promptly be shut up in the loony bin…but that would be a mighty convenient way to avoid talking to Edward.

"Bella, I don't understand," Alice finally said after a long, tense moment of silence. My heart was still pounding in my ears, threatening to leap from my chest. "I thought you _wanted _this. I asked you if you still loved him, if you still wanted him…"

"Alice, I do love him," I began, trying to explain my reluctance to both her and myself all at once. "My heart is racing at the thought of how close he is. But…but I don't know how to do this," I whispered, the words catching in my throat. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, willing the tears to go away. "I can't just say, ok, you're back, great, let's just pick up where we left off. But that's what I want…more than anything," I confessed, turning to Alice with teary eyes. I felt I would rip in two with confusion. My heart wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around Edward's stony body and cry all the tears out while I breathed him in; my mind was screaming at me to run the other way before we had a repeat episode of the last year.

"No one expects you to just say 'it's ok,'" Alice soothed, grabbing my hand and giving it a squeeze. "I think…I think Edward gets it a bit more now. I think, well, I think he knows. More. About the last year for you…and he just wants to talk to you."

"Again, Alice, in the middle of class?"

"No, of course not." She smiled her tiny Alice smile and stepped out of the car quicker than my eyes could follow. I turned to wrench open the door to follow, but before my hand had even reached the handle, I heard him breathe my name from the driver's seat.

I willed myself not to move, not to react to him, but my body completely betrayed me. My head spun and our eyes locked. I was instantly drowning, gasping, as I saw my own horror reflected back at me; pain, sorrow, hopelessness, all mixed together in the tawny depths of his eyes. His stare was more intense than I had remembered, and I felt myself going to pieces as my breathing sped up, my heart hammering away. "Bella…" he breathed again, leaning closer toward me. His eyes were glossy and it seemed if he was capable of crying, he would have. It wasn't until his cool fingers touched my cheek that I realized silent tears were coursing down my own cheeks. "Oh, God, Bella, I am so, so sorry."

Unable to speak, I merely nodded, my eyes unable to leave his. My lips tingled, begging at once for him to kiss me, to hold me, to wrap me in his arms. My mind was screaming alarm bells at a deafening level, but my heart was beating loudly enough to drown it out. He reached for me, much the way Alice had, grasping my fingers tight enough to bruise as he wound his fingers through mine. "This is real, right?" I whispered, my eyes tracing over his face again and again, willing myself to wake up from the cruel dream.

"Yes, my love, it is all real," Edward whispered back, leaning closer. His eyes slid closed and he leaned his forehead against mine, the icy coldness familiar in a way that made me want to melt, if only Alice wouldn't mind a Bella-scented puddle on her shiny seat.

"You don't know how I've wished for this," I murmured, reaching one hand to his cheek. I pulled back away from him, staring at the depths of his eyes. I wanted nothing more than to press my lips against his, but I forced myself not to, instead reaching down for the question I needed answered. "Alice confirmed it. You've been here. For a while. Why…why didn't you…why, Edward?" I finally asked, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. He was there, real, smelling intoxicating, with pale kissable lips I wanted desperately to feel against my own.

"I thought…you would not want me to. I…I meant it when I told you that day in the woods I was not coming back. I felt like…like it was a lie if I just showed back up right when you seemed happy with…someone else," he said slowly, his velvet voice cracking with real pain as he spoke. I squeezed my eyes shut, hating him for not knowing better, hating myself for not knowing he was there the entire time, just out of reach.

"That's the second dumbest thing you've ever said to me."

"Second?"

"The first was that day in the woods." I forced myself back from him, the old pain raging back through me as the memories assaulted any lingering defense I thought I had. Hurt clouded the love surging through me, and I huddled back against the door. The parking lot had emptied, and classes were starting. I wondered if Alice had already forged me a note for Mrs. Cope. "How…how could you walk away from me like that…again?"

Edward said nothing, his eyes dark with shame as he searched mine. I wasn't sure what he thought he was going to find there. It was a good thing he still couldn't read my thoughts, that all he had was my eyes. Once, the eyes had been enough for Edward to guess the range of my thoughts, but I knew they were too muddled for any one expression to stick. I was agony and ecstasy all at once.

After a long silence, Edward's eyes met mine head on, his gaze full of remorse and silently begging forgiveness. "Bella…" he whispered, licking his lips. "Bella, I…I thought…"

"You thought wrong, Edward," I snapped, grabbing my bag from the floor. The flight instinct was kicking in full force. Of course he thought. Edward always thought he knew what was best, for me, for him, for the world. Of course it would never matter what I thought, or what I wanted. He had promised in Phoenix, as I lay in a hospital bed, to stay as long as I wanted him. It had been a lie. I had wanted him with my entire being every moment since I had met him, but it hadn't kept him from leaving.

"Bella, please do not…do not go."

"I have to. I can't talk to you anymore right now. I can't do this," I choked out, the tears catching the words in my throat. I had to get out of the car right at that moment, get away from Edward, before my resolve crumbled and I gave in to the sheer joy of seeing his face again. It was nothing like any dream, nothing like my fantasy where I threw myself into his arms, and all was forgiven. This was brutally real and I needed time to process the million conflicting emotions raging through me.

Edward's hand caught on my arm, and he pulled me back to him in a rush. His lips were on mine before I could stop him, or myself. My body's hunger came raging forward, my lips crashing against his in a kiss searing with longing. Edward was kissing me like he never had before, his fingers tangling in my hair, his lips capturing mine between them. I wanted to enjoy the change, enjoy where I might be able to see this go, to have Edward, no matter the reason, letting down his guard, but I couldn't. I wouldn't.

It was possibly the most difficult thing I had ever done, but I tore myself back from him, breathing heavily. I couldn't do it; I couldn't just throw myself back into everything with Edward, and hope all the hurt and pain and fear could get sent out to sea, message in a bottle style. And how dare he think so either.

Before I had realized it, one hand snapped back, then quickly forward, slapping against his cheek with all the force I could muster. My hand instantly ached, and I knew the physical pain would be much more for me than for him. He had barely felt the pressure of my hand against his cheek, though my palm was stinging. But his eyes said it all…that slap had crushed him.

"You can't do that!" I shrilled at him, panic rising in my voice. I didn't trust myself to be around him another moment, and I grabbed the door handle, pushing it open violently. "I'm leaving Edward. You know how this works, being the expert and all. Don't follow me," I tacked on, slamming the car door behind me as I fled. I forced as much spite into the words as I could, praying it would keep him in the car. I knew if he wanted to, he could easily follow me, but I took off running. I was especially glad I had refused to wear Alice's footwear; maybe she had planned all along on preventing me from running. Maybe she had seen this.

I ran all the way back to Charlie's. I arrived sweaty and tear-stained, mud spots all over my new jeans and boots. If Alice wasn't already planning my demise for the way I had just treated her brother, the ruination of the clothes was sure to do it. I collapsed on the stairs, the rain still falling against my face as I slumped forward.

"He's back?"

Jacob's voice followed the creak of his footsteps on the porch, his weight easing down next to me. I turned to look at him, wondering what on earth he was doing there. Jacob was the last person who wanted to hear anything about my morning.

"Yes," I replied tightly, forcing the word to try and sound calm.

"And you're not with him."

"I'm not hiding him in my pocket if that's the question."

"I can listen if you want to talk."

"Really, Jake, I don't. And you shouldn't want to listen to me," I tacked on, hauling myself to my feet. I had to escape the porch, Jacob, Edward, all of them. I certainly wasn't going to pour my Edward troubles on Jacob after everything else I had put him through. I forced a weak smile at him and shoved the key in the door, the familiar squeal of the metal turning against itself a comfort. "I just want to be alone."

He nodded after a long silent moment in which I had expected a protest. He walked softly down the porch and off into the woods as I watched, closing the front door behind me. It was such a far departure from his behavior the night before that I didn't begin to know what to make of it. I didn't know what to make of any of it.

My dream had come true. Edward had come back. Edward had come back because of me. It was exactly what I had wanted…and it felt a lot more like a nightmare than a dream.

Chapter title = paramore


	8. Maybe I've overstayed awhile in my time

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

8. maybe I've overstayed awhile in my time in exhile

_I never should have come here_, I thought wearily, shuffling along an all too familiar path. _She is going to know I am here. Even though I promised I would never. But then again, I have already broken one promise_, I reminded myself bitterly, flashes of a hospital room running through my mind. _Even if the ends justified the means, it is still a broken promise._

I had done everything to keep away, but lately…lately it had been too hard. I knew Victoria was out there and I was desperate to keep her away from Bella…my Bella.

_Not yours anymore_, my thoughts raged back savagely. _You gave her up. Someone else took that opportunity. And she is happy. Don't you dare ruin it._

Coming back to Forks had been something I had desperately fought. Victoria, the current bane of my existence, had forced my hand. Leaving Bella in the woods that day had nearly killed me, but knowing that vile creature was chasing after her…I had promised no reminders to Bella, and I had meant it. Reminders included psycho vampires hell bent on revenge; I had made the mess and I was going to clean it.

Victoria had fled Forks when James had met his demise. I had hoped she would stay away, prayed if anyone was even listening, and yet it had been for naught. I chased her halfway across the globe, only to end up back where I had both wanted to be desperately and at once hopelessly avoided. I had never been able to turn my thoughts from the rain soaked Washington town, but I had wanted to keep myself from feeling the rain on my face anytime soon. _Maybe in fifty years…when she wasn't in Forks anymore_, I told myself. I owed her that much.

One glimpse through her bedroom window had been all I needed for my resolve to crumble pitifully. I had been in Forks for weeks, carefully avoiding the wolves, guarding my decisions to keep Alice away, and more than anything, avoiding Bella catching sight of me. The way she would stop and glance around sometimes, it always gave me pause; if my heart could beat, it would have raced with the threat of discovery each time. Yet one night, with Victoria run off to the Canadian wilderness once more, I found myself keeping guard over Bella. The wolves knew Victoria was long gone for the time being and had slunk off around two a.m., to most likely catch some must needed rest; Jacob had them watching Bella every moment he deemed unsafe, and the pack was growing weary. Their thoughts screamed at me whenever I came within range; this shouldn't be their problem. The Cullens had brought this monster down on Bella; the Cullens should fix it. But Jacob was one of theirs, and Bella meant the world to him.

Wrapped in blankets I had carefully rubbed down with pine needles and any other matter of earth to disguise my scent, I had stood on the edge of the forest encroaching on the Swan lawn, breathing Bella's light scent on the wind. Her window stood open, no doubt for Jacob's sake, and I could hear the mumblings of her night time chatter. I had sworn to never approach her window, to keep away, but I could not help myself; it was like a giant magnet had replaced the cold stone of my heart and Bella's room was tugging, pulling, until I was powerless beneath the window. Silently, knowing how lightly she slept, I scaled the tree in the front yard. One good leap would put me in her room, and it took what meager resistance I had left to keep myself in the tree. I could see her sleeping form from where I hid, tossing, turning, clutching at her comforter. Her hair was spread wildly around the pillow, deep chocolate against moss green. Those were the same sheets we had lain in, the same sheets I had held her in, the same sheets I had kissed her in…the same sheets I had wished for so much more in.

_Stop it. Just stop it_, I told myself sternly, banishing the memory. My thoughts were consumed with Bella at nearly all times. It was convenient in keeping Alice away; as long as I thought of the past with Bella, Alice would never see any kind of future. I had long since taken to leaving the cell phone out of my hearing; Alice called, texted, and left voice mail after voice mail. For such a smart girl, she could not take a hint. I did not want to talk to her, did not want to hear her insistence that just maybe we had been wrong, maybe Bella did belong in our lives. It seemed impossible, but there had to be a way. Charlie was a pretty understanding guy, and Renee…Renee was so out there all on her very own, she would probably accept anything her daughter told her. Even that she wanted to spend her life with a vampire.

I did not have the heart to break it to Alice that Bella had nothing to do with the decision to leave.

Yet there I was again, buried under blankets smelling of moss, winding my way toward Bella. I knew the wolves were on the other side of the yard, and the woodsy smell of me would be overlooked. Jacob and Sam were one thing, but the pack members currently standing watch had become lax with the infrequent Victoria sightings. I had not seen her in over a week myself, so it was likely she had gone off to regroup. Though I hated to admit it, her behavior had me unsettled. The infrequent, seemingly random times she disappeared were beginning to form a pattern. I had to see Bella tonight; I had to prove to myself she was alright. I had done my best to keep away from the house, worried my presence was enough to ruin it for Bella; her and Jacob had begun to fight more and more. While on the one hand, I thought it was unrealistic she could somehow _feel_ me and was responding to my presence, I was clinging to the notion. It made me feel connected to her.

A tell-tale rustling of leaves from the far side of the woods alerted me to the departure of the pack. I cast my mind wide, reaching for thoughts within range. Satisfied when only the murky thoughts of human dreams reached back to me, I slipped across the yard, scaling the tree easily; it had become a frequent hobby of mine and I was getting good at it.

Bella was fast asleep, which for once was nice to see. Her breathing was deep and even, a sure sign of slumber. I wished I could reach into her mind like I could reach so many around me, but whatever mystery kept her blocked from me continued. Yet even as I watched, her brow furrowed, and her heart began to race. Panic rose quickly, which I shoved down. Watching Bella struggle, even in her sleep, was excruciating. I wanted to do what I had always done before when she had nightmares; run my fingers through her hair, feather kisses across her face and wait for her heart to slow.

But instead, it raced faster and faster, her breathing going ragged. She twisted at first one way and then another, her features crunched into dismay. Her cry broke the stillness of the night and I nearly fell from the tree as she cried my name. It was a sick sense of déjà vu from that first night I had spent in her bedroom, listening to her mumbling. But that had been nothing like this; she was practically screaming my name, and I could hear the fear, the desperation, the anguish in her voice. It was nothing like how she used to say my name, how it would softly slip from her lips. Hearing Bella mumble my name in her sleep had been one of the single most sensual things about her; this was a perversion of that joy, flipped to bring the utmost horror.

_If he's there I'm going to kill him and ask questions later_. Jacob's thoughts flew from the woods and I cursed under my breath, leaping from the tree and running as fast as I could from the scene. I was safely out of sight – and scent – in seconds, but I could hear Jacob's howl pierce the night as he raced closer.

Bella was awake now, savagely repeating over and over to herself, "It was just a dream, it was just a dream," like her life depended on forcing her mind to accept that fact. I desperately wished I could figure out what her dream had been about to upset her so. Jacob's paws thudded against the ground, his low whine notice he had arrived in the yard below her window. It was a pattern of his, almost as if he was asking permission to enter. I had never asked. I wondered if that had bothered her, if she preferred Jacob's polite requests.

Even though it felt like spying, I could not help myself. I had listened to more of their conversations than I had any right to, but I could not pull myself away. Especially not when she had been crying out my name the way she had. I could hear him accusing her, could hear the pain and frustration in her voice.

"I wish I could just pluck his memory from my brain and be at peace," she said in response to another of his questions, and the words tore through me. Bella wanted me gone, wanted to forget about me. I had been right to leave. I had been wrong to return. She had clearly moved on, which was what I had wanted all along. My throat tightened with tears I was unable to shed. They continued to argue but my thoughts had consumed me. _Maybe I should not even be here. Maybe I should go away. Far away._ As long as Bella was in the world, I could not take myself out of it; I would cling to the hope that some day, before her time was up, we would be together. But for now it was clearly time to leave her be.

I was turning to go as another snippet of conversation caught my attention: "If he came back, you'd take him back. No questions asked." Jacob was not asking. There was a flatness to his tone that marked defeat and I paused, desperate to hear Bella's answer. Maybe there was hope after all. I could care less if it came at the expense of Jacob Black.

"I….I don't know," she began, and I could tell she was trying to pick and choose her words carefully. I stopped breathing, an old human habit. Without the tightness in my chest that would usually demand I breathe, I became stock still. A passing stranger would think I was carved of stone. "Jake…the way I feel about him…if he were to come back…well, I just don't know. I love him…I know you don't like to hear it, and yes, it is possible for me to love you both. But it's different with each of you."

"If you had to choose, you would choose him." Again, the flat tone, the emotionless voice. Jacob was admitting defeat to me, without knowing I was listening. All I had to do was find a way to appear, to let her know I was back. She still loved me! There had to be a way to make it work.

"Please just stop," Bella's voice begged. "This is a pointless conversation."

I did not hear anymore. I had heard more than enough. Bella still loved me! I did not want to believe it, but I knew it had to be true. Bella did not say things she knew would hurt people unless she had a good reason. I smiled a silent smile to myself and breathed deep of the damp woods. Forks had never smelled so delicious before.

My joy did not last. I spent the next week tracking Victoria, skirting both her and the wolves. It was growing tiring, constantly trying to cover my own scent, my own tracks, and at once keep up with hers. I did not want to do the pack a disservice by having my attempts make theirs futile, but I was growing frustrated. I wanted Victoria to burn like James had. I spent most of my days in the depths of the Washington forest, running far into Canada before darting back toward Forks.

By Saturday morning, Victoria had once again disappeared. I shoved the knot of fear growing in the pit of my stomach down as the day dawned with a downpour. Spending all my energy on Victoria was wearing me out; I had been so engrossed with hunting her, I had forgotten to hunt for myself. Leaving my car hidden in the depths of the garage at our house in Forks, I traced familiar hunting paths until I was once again atop the mountains. The thirst burned against the back of my throat, suddenly remembered, as rain fell steadily against my face. I barely felt it. I had caught the scent of mountain lion, and I was determined to have the cat. I hoped feasting on my favorite prey would help to ease the ache in my throat…and maybe the ache in my soul. Maybe if I gave into my animal instincts for just a little while, maybe the human part of me would hurt just a little less.

I saw the mountain lion long before she saw me. Her tail swished around her, crouched beneath the cover of thick bushes. Long, lean muscles rippled along her hind legs as she tensed, fixed on something intently enough to not notice my approach, whiskers twitching. One hunter hunting another, I crept on silent feet, and then pounced. The lion's muscles tensed beneath me, the fur silky as I dug my hands in, seconds away from the delicious relief of hot blood pouring down my throat.

When it was over, the burn had subsided to a dull ache, but I was still on fire. I had to see Bella. It had been nearly a week since I had seen her; the early part of the week chasing Victoria had afforded me snatched moments here and there to peek in on my love, but by the end of the week it was impossible. I had once told Bella she was my own personal drug, and it was true more than ever. I craved her like any junkie craved a fix; without the perfume of her skin, or the mumbling of her voice deep in sleep, I was getting twitchy.

Before guilt could change my mind, I turned back toward Forks and broke into a full run. If I was lucky, she would still be asleep. The morning was cold and dreary; a perfect morning to lounge in bed. A perfect morning to draw her into my arms and beg her forgiveness…

To my dismay, Jacob's white car was parked in her driveway. I knew I should turn and go, but I could not. I was drawn to the house like I had been before, and feeling at once very ashamed and also just not caring, I carefully worked my way across the muddy lawn, stepping lightly to avoid deep footprints. The rain lashed against my cheeks as I leaned up against the house, glancing through the living room window.

I wished I had not. Jacob and Bella were on the couch, their limbs tangled together. He was kissing her like I had never dared; she was kissing him without the kind of restraint we had always required together. I knew I should turn away, but it was very much like watching a train crash; I could not focus my eyes elsewhere. Her hands were everywhere, his hands were everywhere…his hands were taking her clothes off. Bella's bare back was exposed, the creamy skin I had coveted as my own exposed to the room. _Get a blanket you dolt_, I mentally berated Jacob, _she is always freezing_.

_Or maybe she is just freezing with you. Because, you know, your skin is the temperature of ice. Not exactly comfortable for a human. At least with Jacob, he can keep her warm_, I thought bitterly, squeezing my eyes shut and leaning back against the house. I had to leave. By the looks of things, I was about to see more of Bella in Jacob's arms than I had ever seen in my own. I was not prepared for that.

Their voices startled me, but it was nothing like the fight they had had the other night. Bella's voice was throaty, soft, filled with lust. Jacob was whispering to her, whispering in a tone I knew all too well was only for Bella. She apparently wanted to talk to him, but he was having none of it. I glimpsed from his thoughts he was worried she would ruin their morning, worried she would bring up the fight they had had the weekend before. I realized he had not seen her that entire week, had kept away…and he had been pretty worried when she never called. Worried she had found a way to find me…worried he was going to lose her to me.

_We can only hope for that_, I silently told him, biting down on my lip as I heard him ask her, "Do you love me?"

"Yes, but…"

"That's all that matters to me," he cut her off. I waited for her to protest, to tell him something, anything, to make this stop, to make him go away. I was losing the ability to stand outside, to merely watch, but I needed Jacob to go away; I would never cheapen our reunion by having an audience, or getting into it with Jacob in front of her. When I saw Bella again, I wanted it to be private. Though I had sworn to stay away, it was growing worse and worse. I knew I was incapable of leaving Forks for good again, and it was only a matter of time before I either did something stupid to reveal myself or just gave in. If I gave in, that was a situation I could control, prepare myself mentally for. Bella had told Jacob she still loved me, but I did not know that was going to be enough. _I never should have left._

I tore my eyes away from the living room and took off at a full run. I could not watch anymore. Bella's hands were working at Jacob's clothes like his had been working at hers. Jacob's thoughts had stopped worrying about their fight and turned toward only Bella, the feel of her skin, the crush of her lips on his, the way she pressed herself against him as their kisses grew more and more heated. Jacob's fantasies were not anything I had not dreamed up in my own head when I had Bella in my arms, but he was not just fantasizing; the images of Bella nearly undressed were memories, memories of times they had almost…it nearly broke me in two that the first time I saw that expanse of Bella's peaches and cream skin was in Jacob's memory.

I did not stop until I was back in the mountains, back in the quiet, the peace. All around me, the wildlife went silent. They could feel the rage in me, feel the monster tearing out my insides. I wanted to go back to Bella's, rip Jacob away from her, and then shred him to pieces. _Bella is __mine__. How dare he put his hands all over her? How dare he think about being with her in ways I never have?_

_Because you opened the door for this_, I reminded myself savagely. A growl ripped from my lips and I lashed out, fist connecting with the nearest tree. It splintered with a deafening crack, a rush of leaves and pine needles raining down on me. I wanted to destroy everything, including myself. I could not touch Jacob; it would hurt Bella and that was somewhere I was not willing to go. She was a willing participant in Jacob's memories; she was a willing participant this morning in her living room. The rhythm of her heart, the slight gasp to her breaths, those were sounds I knew…sounds I had stupidly thought were only for me.

I had told her to forget me, and I had hoped in one way she would. Yet a part of me had clung to the hope that Alice was right; Bella would never forget me, never stop loving me. Of all the times for Bella to actually listen to me, she had picked this one. She was doing her very best to forget me. And it seemed to be working.

When I had calmed down, I returned to the house, locking myself up on the third floor. I grabbed a sketch pad and began to draw from the comfort of my leather couch, forcing my mind blank. It didn't even matter I drew Bella over and over and over again. I would never forget her; I would cling to the memories because they were all I had left. In time, they would dim, as so many of my memories had, but eventually Bella would leave this world. And then it would not matter what I could or could not remember; I would follow her out of the world and hope that if there was another, I could find her again. Maybe this life did not offer second chances, but if there was another life waiting for us, maybe there could be a fresh start – if a despicable creature like me could end up in the same place as someone as perfect and innocent as Bella.

I stayed away from the house that week. I could not endure the thought of catching her and Jacob together again. It served me right, the more I thought about it. What was that saying about eavesdropping? If you listen long enough you will hear something bad about yourself? It was true Bella had not said anything terrible about me, but she did not need to. The way she was with Jacob – and in Jacob's thoughts – they were enough to wound, and wound deep. All of their actions just screamed at me how stupid I was, and how little I deserved her anymore, if I ever did. When she was with Jacob, she looked like a teenager is love should look. I was not sure we had ever appeared that way.

Staying away from her entirely was a new impossibility. I knew I should leave, leave and never come back. But Victoria was off plotting something, and I was not entirely confident a bunch of young werewolves were going to be able to protect Bella. Instead of skulking around outside her house, waiting for something I did not want to see or hear, I watched her at school, where I knew Jacob was not. There, she was the same old Bella; she smiled indulgently at Jessica's rambling, enjoyed the easy company of Angela, and avoided being alone with Mike Newton, who still could not take a hint. Sometimes she would stand outside between classes, lost in thought while I hid in the cover of the trees, and those moments were my favorite. I could stare at her face, drink in her features, and if the wind was just right, drown myself in her delicious scent.

Something was wrong though; I could tell in the way her shoulders slumped when no one was watching, the way she would near obsessively examine her cell phone. _Maybe her and Jacob are fighting again_, I thought, hopeful for a moment before the guilt kicked back in.

By Sunday, I was right back where I had started, unable to take it anymore. I would go to her. Something was obviously eating her up, and either way I had to see if I could do something about it. If it was Jacob, maybe it was my chance to win my way back, to beg, to plead, to try any tactic I could dream up to get her back. If it was me…well then I could apologize and I would finally have the reason I needed to get back out of her life.

I prayed Jacob would not be there, but of course he was. Something was definitely wrong. His thoughts were filled with worry; Bella had been throwing up, Bella was not eating or sleeping well. Charlie was going to start asking questions. And more than anything, a searing rage aimed at me. I shifted through his mind, trying to find the source of the new anger, the spark of the new bonfire of fury, but he was too consumed with worry to focus on his problem with me. All I managed to get from the muddled mess in his mind was that Bella's current condition was my fault. And he would kill me if he got the chance.

Keeping hidden in the woods, I saw them leave, getting in Bella's truck. She did look awful, tear-stained, paler than usual, and like she had not slept in days. Even from my distance, I could see the dark bruises under her eyes, the way her clothes hung off her narrow frame. Determined to try and figure out what I had done, when I had not seen her in nearly a year, I followed. Jacob's anger was too fresh, too powerful, to be a remnant of last fall's errors. I did not care when they crossed onto treaty land; by the scent of their tracks, the wolves had clearly been on our side of the line. _Besides, no one knows I am here._

What I witnessed terrified me: Bella on a motorcycle. Bella, who was so clumsy she could barely walk down a flight of stairs without trouble, she was going to get on a very powerful, very fast piece of machinery and go tearing down the road…and there was nothing I could do about it. I was on treaty land; being sighted where I was would be immediate cause for trouble. I forced myself instead to keep to the woods, carefully hidden, pausing to rub mud, moss, leaves, anything against myself to disguise the scent. I probably looked like some horrible type of forest monster as I trailed them out to the cliff path, holding my breath as Bella mounted the bike. Maybe that was not so far from the truth.

She was definitely angry; her eyes shone with a stubborn fire, her entire body tensed with pent up frustration. After sneering something at Jacob, she took off fast, too fast. I ran after her, frightened. My fears were only confirmed when I spotted a deer in the round; I opened my mouth to yell but it was already over. Bella was sprawled on the side of the road, the deer long gone through the bushes. She was breathing, and I could hear the hammering of her heart in panic, but she was not moving. The wind shifted and I smelt blood, the venom instantly rushing to my mouth. Swallowing thickly, stubbornly, I took one step out of the cover of forest, only to hear Jacob's bike roaring after her. Cursing silently, I moved back to the shadows and waited what felt like eons for Jacob to see her.

His reaction baffled me; instead of helping her up and checking her over, he started yelling at her about how stupid she was. Granted, Bella's idea had been foolish and unnecessary, but it clearly was not the time. _Get her to a hospital_, I shouted mentally, wishing we were anywhere else. I would have stepped from the woods, private reunion be damned, and scooped her up myself.

I learned two things in the next few moments: Bella's stubborn streak was alive and well, and Alice had been trying to call me to warn me about something I already knew. Carlisle _must have told her someone from the pack called_, my mind raced, _and now she is trying to get me back here. So she does not know I am here. My mind games have apparently worked, switching decisions or making them at the absolute last moment._

Jacob was pouring his heart out in that moment, begging, pleading with her, because she wanted the phone number he had used. She wanted to find me, or at least my family. She had not given up hope. The stubbornness I loved about her was on full display; her hand was bleeding, staining her jacket, but she was still waiting for an answer before going anywhere.

Bella's expression was pained as Jacob pled with her, her teeth gnawing her bottom lip with worry. He eventually gave it up for the moment, his shoulders slumped as he went to retrieve the truck.

_This could be my chance_, I thought hopefully, circling the woods to get closer to her. I was nearly buzzing with anxiety, wondering if this was the moment to make my move. It may rouse suspicion if Jacob came back and Bella was not there, but did I really care? Could I convince Bella to just not tell I had been on treaty land? I was not sure I could ask her to lie for me, but there was certainly precedent for a war to start over a beautiful woman…

Yet even as I watched, something had her spooked. She scrambled up from the ground, swaying as she went. I became concerned over how hard she had hit her head, the medical training I knew from Carlisle kicking in. The bike would not start, heavily damaged. Her heart was going to give out if she did not calm, and my appearance certainly would not bring her calm. Cursing the entire situation and Jacob for not being faster, I watched, helpless.

When Jacob returned moments later, Bella's condition did not escape him again. Finally, the concern I had been feeling began to lace his features and he hustled her into the truck, determined to make her see a doctor. Satisfied she would be getting medical attention, I left quickly before I could be discovered. Just because Bella was worth starting a war over did not mean it was a good idea.

The scent of Bella's blood from her injuries had set the burning in my throat to high. I needed to hunt, and I needed it badly. While a tasty mountain lion would have been very satisfying, the thought of going that far from Bella bothered me. I set out for the range behind the house and spent the next few hours tracking elk, deer and the other usual suspects. I filled myself to the brim, determined to be able to stay in Forks longer this time. I would watch for Victoria, and keep an eye on Bella, waiting for the perfect moment. She was angry with Jacob for keeping news of the Cullens from her, and she was determined to use that phone number. I knew the look on her face when she asked for it; she would not give up. She would not give up on me. _Like I gave up on her_, I tacked on bitterly as I ran through the never ending span of green.

I spent the night in the woods, tracking, drinking, hunting, staring at the stars, and the day at my piano. Music was pouring out of me like it had never before; I was ecstatic. There was a very real chance I could get Bella back, a very real chance I would soon hold her in my arms again. I did not care what kind of begging I needed to do; anything Bella wanted, anything Bella needed in order to forgive, it would be hers. I would give myself over to her in any way she wanted, no matter how difficult it was. This time, I would not tell Bella no ever again.

But I missed her as the day wore on. The music changed, the light notes of the morning's optimism fading to darker pieces. I played Chopin's nocturnes for a while, before turning back to my own compositions. The music grew darker, sadder, as the sun dipped down to the horizon. Another night, another twilight, to watch the day die away – another day without Bella.

I was so engrossed in the music, I did not hear the door slam. I did not even notice the very angry, very tense pixie marching up to the piano until Alice's voice came screaming into reality, "I really hope you're not sitting here feeling sorry for yourself!"

"Alice!" I jumped up from the piano, shocked that she was in Forks. The piano bench went crashing to the floor with the sudden movement as we stared at one another. There was a fury in her I could not place, and I stared at her, bewildered. Annoyed, Alice rolled her eyes, and then opened her mind to let a flood of memories come washing over me.

I nearly staggered under the weight and brutality of them, her own anger forcing the images at me full tilt. She was showing me Bella, but Bella was in pieces. Her eyes were red, swollen, bruised beneath. She was thinner and her skin which had looked so smooth and creamy from a distance was translucent; she had lost weight, her bones showing in ways they should not. The sound of her voice echoed in Alice's memory, raw, choked, as she poured out her sorrows.

"Please stop," I begged, turning pleading eyes on Alice.

"I didn't do it to hurt you," she said softly. She reached out, placing one hand on my arm and turning her eyes back to mine. The anger had dimmed, replaced with concern. "Edward, you need to listen to me. What you do after that is up to you. But you need to know." She wrinkled her nose, looking me up and down. "But first, can you please go change and shower?"

I glanced down at my clothes, noticing for the first time how disgusting they were. After my hunting expedition, I had not bothered to change. It simply had not occurred to me. I was covered in mud, grass, leaves, and my clothes were torn in places. With a sheepish nod, I hurried up the stairs and into the shower.

As the water steamed around me, I wondered what had made Alice appear so suddenly, how she had finally figured out that I was in Forks. The images of Bella she had shown me were up close and personal; she had talked to her. How did I miss Alice and her screaming thoughts? And what was she doing in Forks if she did not know I was there?

_Hurry up, I'm not terribly good at patient! _Alice was clearly not willing to wait much longer as I dawdled in the shower. Fearing she would march herself into the bathroom if I did not hurry it up, I toweled off quickly, threw on the first pair of jeans I saw with a T-shirt and rushed back down the stairs. I took a deep breath and settled on the opposite end of the couch Alice was sitting on. She said nothing for a long moment and I licked my lips nervously, eyeing her. "Is Jasper with you?" I finally asked, unable to take the silence.

"He's not far. It…bothers me to be away from him," she said, turning back to me. There was a weight to her words, an intensity to her stare. "Isn't that how you feel about Bella?"

"Yes."

"Then explain to me what the fuck you think you're doing," she snapped, settling back into the corner of the couch. She tucked her feet up under her and folded her arms across her chest, waiting for an answer. I could see this was going to be a long conversation.

"I do not know," I finally answered, frustrated. "What are you doing Alice? Coming back to Forks and just flinging accusations and memories of Bella you know will upset me?"

"No…" she answered slowly, heaving a big sigh. "Honestly, Edward, you are thick as a stump sometimes. I came back to Forks because Bella called me. And I came here, because she told me about your skulking and I knew you were here."

"She knows I am here?"

"No. She told me she suspected, and then she dismissed it as being foolish. She doesn't believe you would come back to Forks and not see her. She thinks better of you than you deserve right now," Alice shot back. "Seriously, Edward? How long have you been here?"

"About a month."

"And what have you been doing all this time?"

"Victoria…"

"Well, yes, thank god you've been doing that. But you know that's not what I meant. Why haven't you seen her? Do you not want to?"

"No!" I protested vehemently. "Alice…every time…every time I get close to revealing myself to her, it is…she is with Jacob. And she is happy. What right do I have?" I leaned my elbows down to my knees, my head in my hands. I curled my fingers around my hair, squeezing in frustration. The memories of the two of them together rushed forward, playing like a sick horror film on my eyelids. I did not want to relive it again, but I could not stop seeing Bella's lips on Jacob's. It clawed at my heart, tore at the cold stone and urged it to crack in two.

"She misses you," Alice said simply, as if that solved everything. "Edward, you can't keep doing this. You need to go to her."

"And say what? Please break up with your new boyfriend because I decided it was time to show up? Right when you are happy? Right when you are finding a way to get over all of it?"

"She's not over it," Alice said sharply, her eyes narrowing at me. "She's been fooling everyone very cleverly, hasn't she? You know how selfless she can be. She doesn't want anyone she cares about to worry. Not Charlie, not Jacob, not her friends at school. So she's put on a nice mask, convinced everyone she's fine. Nearly convinced herself. Until, out of nowhere, she started to dream of you again. To think of you. Nonstop. And you know why that is, Edward? Because the two of you are connected. You're soul mates. I can _feel _Jasper when he's close and I can feel it when he's not. Bella may not be conscious of it, but she _knows_ you're here. She can feel you."

"I do not believe you," I whispered, turning back to Alice. "If she knows I am here, what is she doing with that mongrel? And besides that, how can she be so stupid to be around him?"

"She knows exactly what he is, and she believes he won't hurt her. He loves her, Edward. That much is clear." I winced as Alice spoke, but gulped when I saw how serious her features had become. "Edward…she's scared to death of hurting Jacob. He's kept her together this last year when she had a hard time doing it for herself. Maybe you don't want to hear it, but she went to pieces when you left."

"What do you mean, went to pieces?"

"I mean they found her in the woods hours and hours after you left her there. She was catatonic for over a week. Charlie almost had her checked into a psychiatric ward. He was worried she would never recover from the loss." Alice paused, studying me. "Really, Edward, ok, you don't need to hear all of that part. You can ask Bella yourself if you want to know. But she's never given up on you, no matter how much grief she buried that hope under."

'So what would you have me do, Alice? Just waltz up to Bella and say, honey I'm home? God, Alice, you make no sense! She is with Jacob, ok? And I wish she was not but she is. From everything you say, I really, _really_ have no right to ruin that."

"Have you even been listening to me?!" Alice demanded, throwing up her hands and glaring at me. "Honestly, Edward, sometimes…"

"Alice, you are my sister, I love you dearly. But if you keep playing word games with me instead of just telling me whatever it is you are getting at I am going to go mad."

"Seriously?" I nodded my head at her, smirking when she heaved a huge sigh. Alice reached out for me, grabbed my shoulders and turned me toward her. "Ok, Edward, here's the very short version in simple terms. Bella is as crazy in love with you as ever. But you know how they say love and hate are closely related? There are moments when she would cheerfully kill you." I opened my mouth to protest, and Alice's hand darted out lightning quick to put a finger to my lips. Apparently, I was not permitted to speak just yet. "She would never. But she's angry, Edward. You left her. And for that matter, you lied to her. You lied to us too. If I wasn't so busy trying to save your future with Bella, I'd be pretty pissed off too."

I closed my eyes and nodded. Shame flooded through me. I should never have given my family the fake story I had. The truth had been bitter, and I had wanted to hide it. Somewhere in me, I had known the entire story I had fed Bella had been a lie, not just the disgraceful parts where I had told her I did not love her, did not want her. If she had protested, even a little, my resolve was likely to have crumbled. But when she did not…when she did not try even a little to keep me, I gave up. I came up with a story that would make more sense to them…and to me. It had begun to feel a little like my version of the story was true…that Bella and I had decided we were better off without each other. Her refusal to try and keep me made it feel that way.

"Edward, of all the things you could have said to her…you told her you didn't love her? You know she believed you, right?"

"Do not be ridiculous. Bella is not stupid."

"Edward, she is seventeen years old. She's hurt and afraid. You broke her heart and she's been patching it back up ever since, but it's not whole. She believed you because she has this asinine idea in her head that she doesn't deserve you, that it's a mystery you even love her in the first place."

I was silent for a long moment, absorbing all Alice had said. I did not believe her, not truly. How could Bella ever doubt that I had been lying? Did she want to believe I did not love her? Was she looking for a reason for me to leave? Had she loved Jacob Black all along? She had told him she loved us both, that it was different for each. Maybe the difference was that she had loved him all along? That her love for me had been a matter of convenience?

"Ok, Alice, say I believe all this. Say Bella wants me back and we can make the whole Jacob thing go away. How?"

Alice smiled, the first genuine smile I had seen on her face in months. "Tomorrow Jasper and I are going back to Forks High. You're going with us."

"Alice! The middle of classes is hardly the time for me to pour my heart out."

Alice sighed heavily and glared at me, her bottom lip jutting out in a fake pout. Apparently, the serious part of our conversation was coming to an end. "Edward, really, how have you not lit yourself on fire these last hundred or so years? Sometimes…I am going to go pick Bella up in my new car. It's a Porsche, I've been very sad you haven't been around to see it. Especially now that Rosalie's gotten her hands on it. But that's not important right now. Anywho, I'm going to go pick her up for school in my car. You're going to get to school before me in your car, and you're going to bring Jasper. Jasper and I are going to make a quick getaway and you're getting in the car with Bella." Her eyes narrowed and the serious expression returned. "And then you are going to not screw this up."

I opened my mouth to protest, but Alice had her no bullshit face on. I threw my hands up in defeat and sighed, resigning myself to the morrow. I had wanted to see Bella, that much was true, and a part of me was pure relief. The waiting was over; tomorrow I would see her and whatever was going to be was going to be.

That night, I went over everything I planned to say to Bella. I rehearsed apology after apology in an attempt to put into words all that I had felt without her. Yet nothing sounded right. All of it was clichéd, meaningless; nothing could put into words the loss I felt without her in my life. She was the very reason I lived this very long life any longer; without her it would cease to have meaning. I gave up on trying to think of words and concentrated instead on how I would behave, if it would be alright to touch her, to kiss her.

In the end, none of it mattered. I was in the parking lot waiting, listening to Alice and Bella talk, and finally, rushing to take Alice's place before Bella ran off. From what I had heard of their hissed conversation, it was definitely her goal. Alice had mentally warned me of this, but I was not giving up the chance to talk to her. I slid into the driver's seat, her intense scent enveloping me instantly. "Bella…" I breathed, reaching out to touch her and sharply bringing my hand back. I could not, not without seeing her reaction.

She turned slowly, her hair falling over her shoulders in silky strands. She had straightened it, making it flow like liquid chocolate down her back. Her deep brown eyes met mine, filled with shock, her mouth frozen in a look that was half horror, half bliss.

"Bella…oh God, Bella, I am so, so sorry," I whispered, my throat tightening. Her heart was thrumming like a hummingbird's wings, and I was terrified. If my heart could have beaten, it would have matched hers. I reached out for her hand and grasped it tightly, the warmth setting my skin on fire. I had craved her touch, her warmth, her freesia scent for months, and now here she was.

"This is real, right?" Bella asked, her voice finally breaking free. Her lips trembled as she spoke, and when my eyes met hers, tears were pouring down her cheeks.

"Yes, my love, it is all real," I answered, leaning my forehead against hers. I wanted nothing more than to turn the key, and speed away. I wanted to be alone with her, to tell her the million different ways in which I loved her, to pour it all out. I wanted to erase any doubt in her mind that I had been lying that day in the forest; I wanted to explain I had meant to protect her, meant to protect her very humanity. I knew we could not keep the way we had been; it was only a matter of time before something gave. Especially with how stubborn she was. The thought of robbing her of a soul, even to keep her with me, tortured me. It still did, but if it meant she would forgive me, we would find a way around it. There had to be a way. I knew I was incapable of living my life without her.

"You don't know how I've wished for this," Bella whispered, drawing back. She reached one hand to my cheek, tracing my features delicately as if she feared I would break…or like she was checking to make sure I was really there. Her palm flattened against my cheek and her eyes slid shut, a deep breath heaving from her lips. As the warmth of her breath washed over me, I thought I was in heaven. Then she spoke again. "Alice confirmed it. You've been here. For a while. Why…why didn't you…why, Edward?"

"I thought…you would not want me to. I…I meant it when I told you that day in the woods I was not coming back. I felt like…like it was a lie if I just showed back up right when you seemed happy with…someone else," I choked out, the words catching with each breath I took. The accusation in her voice tore through me, ripped at my veins as the sorrow chased down the length of my body. I wanted to tell her none of it mattered. I was here now.

"That's the second dumbest thing you've ever said to me."

"Second?" I asked, puzzled.

"The first was that day in the woods." She huddled back against the door, putting as much distance between us as she could. "How…how could you walk away from me like that…again?" she continued, her voice cracking in pain. This was possibly the worst moment of my very long existence, as she clearly was not going to go with my hope of putting it all behind us. Alice had warned me how hurt she was, how angry she was, but I had wished for her to be wrong. I did not blame Bella for being as she was; I knew I had screwed up. But I wanted us to work through it together. The wall I was meeting was making me feel hopeless.

I said nothing, too afraid to speak. I turned my glance back toward Bella, searching for a hint in her gaze. Now would be one of the times I very much wanted to be able to read her mind, and find the answers I needed. There was a long silence before I met her eyes directly, wanting to convey my love in that stare, how badly I wanted her to forgive me. Without thinking, I slowly began, "Bella, Bella, I…I thought…"

"You thought wrong, Edward," she snapped, grabbing her bag from the floor. The fury in her voice burned as it lashed against me. Apparently, I thought wrong in even saying the words. _I need to fix this_, I thought desperately. "Bella, please do not…do not go," I begged, needing time to sort out my thoughts, my words, what I could possibly say to make this right. I ran my fingers through my hair, the frustration and sorrow making me wish I could pull it right out. _This was not how this was supposed to go._

"I have to. I can't talk to you anymore right now. I can't do this," Bella shot back, her voice cracking as the tears came on stronger. I was not willing to just let her go, not this time. I reached quickly, grabbing her arm and tugging her body close. I was tired of holding back, tired of trying to make sense of the situation. It had been nearly a year since I had held Bella, my Bella, and though the venom had raged bitterly in my throat when I got in the car, I did not care. I pressed my lips to hers, catching them between mine, running my tongue along her lips. She responded instantly, melting against me, forming her body to me. Her lips tore at mine, pressed urgently, her tongue tasting my lips. It was everything I had spent the last year remembering, and more.

But then suddenly, it was over. She pulled back, and without warning slapped me. I stared at her in shock. The blow had not hurt; I had barely felt it. But the thought that Bella would strike me…that Bella's reaction to my kissing her was to hit me, that hurt. It stung like no slap ever had, and it reached down into my core.

"You can't do that!" she shouted at me, grabbing the door handle. Her voice and hands were shaking, but her voice was pure rage, edging on hysteria. "I'm leaving Edward. You know how this works, being the expert and all. Don't follow me," she added, slamming the door behind her as she made her escape. I winced at the crash of metal on metal and squeezed my eyes shut to fight the waves of pain washing over me.

I did not understand. Bella had kissed me back, kissed me like she was dying and I was the only thing that could save her. I had felt the longing, the passion, all the love of Bella in that embrace, and yet she had slapped me. She had slapped me and then fled into the pouring rain.

I was still sitting exactly where she had left me when the passenger door opened and Alice slid into Bella's vacated seat. Our eyes met and for a long moment neither of us spoke. Then she reached for my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I'm sorry, Edward," she said soothingly, twining her fingers with mine. "I didn't know…"

"I do not understand," I said slowly, turning back to Alice. She was my best friend, my sister, sometimes I thought maybe we should have been born twins…if anyone was going to explain it to me…

"I kissed her. And she kissed me back. And then she slapped me." My eyes searched Alice's, looking for an answer. I was shocked when they widened in dismay and she heaved a huge sigh. "Oh Edward…"

"What?"

"Were you listening to me last night? About the angry part? You know what it looks like to Bella? Like you thought you could just appear and kiss her and everything's ok. This isn't some teenage soap opera on TV. You don't get to swoop back in, kiss the heroine and everything's magically better," Alice ranted, untwining her fingers from mine. The same irritated look she had worn walking into the house last night was back, and it did not look prepared to budge.

"But that is not…that is not at all what I meant!" I protested, glaring back at Alice with all the ire she directed at me. "I just…I have missed her. I have missed her so much. And I just…"

"You didn't think. Not even for a second."

"No! I did not! Do you think before you kiss Jasper? It just…"

"I didn't leave Jasper in the middle of the woods and not speak to him for a year because I'm a stubborn ass who thinks he knows better than everyone else!" Alice cut me off, her tone razor-edged. "Edward, you screwed up. I told you to fix it. You made it worse." Her eyes narrowed at me as she made a shooing motion with her hands. "Go. Now. _Fix it_. Without making it worse first," she admonished, giving my shoulder a hard shove. Alice's nails dug into my shoulder hard enough to hurt, and I quickly got out of the car, leaning down to address her once more. "Alice…what if I cannot fix it?"

She yanked the keys out of the ignition and got out of the car, closing the passenger door behind her. Her eyes met mine across the top of the small sports car, her elbows resting against the roof as she studied me. "Then you're a fool and you don't deserve her," she finally said, her voice even and stern. "Now go away before someone sees you out here. I told Mrs. Cope I forgot my license in the car."

Alice hurried back into the building, her heels clicking against the pavement and I did as I was bid, rushing to my car and starting it up. It took all my self control not to peel out of the parking lot, but as soon as I was on the main road I floored it.

I was all the way home before I made my decision.

Chapter title = third eye blind


	9. even broken hearts may have their doubts

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

IX. even broken hearts may have their doubts

In an effort to forget about my morning run in with Edward, and Jacob for that matter, I threw myself into my studies when I got home. I had been neglecting all of my homework, and the day was easily eaten up by reading, taking notes, and writing papers. By the time I went downstairs to start Charlie's dinner, I was not only caught up, but the papers due for the next week were done. I also may have had the urge to speak like I was in eighteenth century England after spending so much time reading. Charlie might be getting a phone call about a lot of missed class, but my grades were going to be impeccable.

Operation Keep My Mind Busy continued with Charlie's dinner. I decided on twice baked potatoes and fish stuffed with crab meat. It wasn't going to be as exciting as it sounded; the crab meat was out of a can and the fish was Charlie's catch, but it was going to keep me busy. I spent the next hour chopping and dicing, checking the potatoes and getting ready to mix the filling. The rain pounding against the roof provided a perfect soundtrack for my melancholy afternoon.

Charlie eyed me suspiciously when I finally placed the food on the table. I had not told him the Cullens were back and I was avoiding it. I figured if they planned on staying, it was only a matter of time before Carlisle told the hospital LA didn't particularly suit him and he would like his job back; they would take him instantly, no questions asked. And Charlie would find out they were back. Considering the choice words he had had for Edward when he had left me, I was trying to figure out how I wanted to handle Edward's return myself before getting Charlie's opinion on it. I knew how much he loved the answer "I don't know" from previous experience.

Thankfully, Charlie kept to his usual routine. He mumbled a few words of appreciation for the dinner, asked me how I was feeling, how my day at school was, and lapsed into a comfortable silence. I mostly just pushed the food around my plate, too keyed up to be hungry. Without a task at hand, my thoughts began to wander back to the morning.

Edward was back in Forks. Edward was really back in Forks, not in some delusion, or dream, or suspicion. Edward had kissed me. I had slapped him. And hard. My palm was bruised an angry purple to prove it.

But that kiss…that kiss had been more amazing than words. Edward had never kissed me like that. Sure, he had made my heart race before and made my skin tingle but this kiss…I had felt it down into my toes. There was a passion, a longing, in his touch, in his hands in my hair, that I didn't remember him ever showing before. It definitely cleared up the issue of whether or not he still wanted me, but it didn't convince me he still loved me. If there was anything I had learned with Jacob over the last few months, it was that people were perfectly capable of feeling high levels of lust without the same level of love and commitment attached. I wasn't prepared to get back into things with Edward because his touch made me want to strip my clothes off right then and there.

Charlie drifted back to the living room after his meal, the rumble of a sportscaster's voice filtering into the kitchen. I set to cleaning up, occupying my mind with scouring the cheese I had accidentally baked into the pans making the potatoes. I cleaned the kitchen until I could clean it no more; everything was bleached, scrubbed and wiped. I counted on Charlie's absorption with sports to keep him from noticing my cleaning spree. The smell of bleach was a rarity in our kitchen.

Without nothing to occupy me downstairs but the week's football recap, I reluctantly made my way upstairs. I didn't want to think about Edward, or that damnable kiss, but watching football wasn't the answer; I would lapse into boredom, and before I knew it, probably burst into tears in front of Charlie. Very counterproductive.

I pushed open the door to my room with a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut. Alone in my bedroom, out of homework to do, I was going to have to face my Edward thoughts. It was a daunting prospect.

An unexpected aroma hit my nostrils as I drew in a rush of air…something floral. My eyes opened and I gasped, stunned at what I saw. Rose petals were covering the floor of my bedroom, strewn over my bedspread and across the top of my desk, with an enormous bouquet resting atop my dresser. The petals covering the floor were shades of orange, yellow, pink and a warm chocolate color. I had never seen brown roses before, and the colors combined to remind me of sunrise…and Phoenix. Stepping carefully across the petals, afraid of crushing them though there were plenty to go around, I breathed deeply from the bouquet. Roses, freesia and a hint of lilac. The colors were mimicked there, with hints of purple…purple like I had told Edward the mountains glowed in Arizona when the sun was about to rise.

Instead of a card, a piece of thick parchment paper was tucked into the flowers, folded in two. My fingers trembled slightly as I ran them over the rough paper, half afraid of what it would contain. Apparently, I had been plenty right about my bedroom bringing my thoughts back to Edward. He had made sure of that.

_Don't be ridiculous_, I chided myself, taking another deep breath of the floral aroma filling my room. I half wondered how I had not smelt it downstairs…and how Edward had managed to sneak in while I was cooking. I knew I had purposefully engrossed myself in the cooking, but the amount of flower petals he must have needed...sneaky vampire.

My eyes finally went to the delicate script on the page, tears pricking in my eyes.

_**Bella, **_

_**I know words are not capable of fixing things between us so I am going to keep this short. I chose the colors I did because I thought they would remind you of Phoenix. I remember when you first came to Forks, how terribly you missed home…and I want you to know you are home to me, wherever you are. I have missed you more in the last year than I can ever express. **_

_**I love you. **_

_**E. **_

By the time I got to the end of the note, the tears were rushing down my cheeks, one after the other. Edward's words tore through me, ripping the sorrow back to the surface. I wanted desperately to call him, tell him to climb in my bedroom window, and kiss me the way he had that morning all night long. But I couldn't. I wouldn't.

I backed away from the dresser and sank down on my bed, unable to take my eyes off the flowers. Edward had obviously gone through a lot of effort to put all of it together, but it wasn't enough. Sure, it was a grand and romantic gesture, but flowers weren't enough to restore trust. I wasn't sure what it was going to take for that one, but I knew this wasn't it. But it would be a lie to say it didn't make me smile.

Lost in thought, I barely noticed my phone buzzing away in my pocket. Half terrified of who it may be, I glanced at the display. Alice.

"Hello?" I asked tentatively, hoping she wouldn't hear the tears in my voice.

"I saw what he did. I'm just down the street. Want me to come by?"

"Yes please," I said in a tiny voice, more grateful for Alice's voice than I thought possible. "Just…Charlie doesn't know you guys are back yet. Come in the window?"

"Sure." The line went dead and I heaved a huge sigh, using the back of my non-bruised hand to wipe the tears away. I took a deep breath and moved to the window, flinging it open and greedily swallowing gulps of the fresh night air. When I looked down, Alice was standing below, watching me carefully. She made a shooing motion and I stepped back from the window just in time for her to come gracefully through. _Stupid pixie can make falling down the stairs look graceful._

"He sure does have a flair for the dramatic," she mumbled, glancing around my room. Without another word she took two steps closer and enveloped me in a tight embrace.

"I'm still mad at you for setting me up," I muttered as she released me, but I didn't mean it. Alice was impossible to stay upset with, especially when I knew how badly she just wanted to make it right. Her gaze said she knew it too.

"Well…I heard Edward's version. You slapped him?" she asked, arching one eyebrow at me. She sank down on the edge of my bed, patting the spot next to her.

"Yeah," I answered, settling myself at the head of the bed with my back to the wall. "And I have the bruise to show it." I held out my right hand, which was black and blue in places. It matched the scrapes on my left hand from my motorcycle incident. I knew I should try and force myself to sound more ashamed, but mostly I was just chagrined. It may not have been my best idea, but slapping Edward had been mighty satisfying before the pain in my hand exploded.

"Well, he is awfully dense," Alice replied, a twinkle in her eye. She gingerly poked at my hand, the coolness of her touch a welcome relief. "It doesn't seem like anything is broken at least." She released my hand and sighed, her eyes flitting around the room again. "Don't you lie to me now Bella. Where are you at with all this?" Her hands gestured around the room, the flowers and petals, but obviously weighted to include everything else.

"It hurts." I took a deep breath, meeting Alice's quizzical stare. "This…these flowers, this morning, kissing him…it's so much to take in. And he wrote me this beautiful note. And all I want is to go back out to the house with you and tell him it's ok. But I feel like I can't. Because I haven't really forgiven him, not all the way, and I don't know how we go forward until I can. But I don't know how to forgive him." I stopped speaking, feeling completely hopeless.

"Do you want to see him?"

"Yes," I answered instantly, then bit my lip hard. "No. Maybe. I don't know."

"He wanted to come here, ya know. To be here with you after you had a chance to read what he wrote. I told him no. Was that a mistake?"

"No," I quickly assured her, reaching out to squeeze her hand. "No, Alice, I don't think I could have handled seeing him and all that and…I just…I'm so tired of crying. And I feel like crying in front of Edward is just going to make him feel worse and I don't need him to feel worse. It's obvious how terrible he feels. I just don't want to be angry at him anymore, but I can't seem to let it go."

"You didn't really talk today. Maybe you should," she suggested gently, her stare holding mine evenly. "Don't worry, I gave it to him good for kissing you. He won't try it again. But he desperately wants to explain himself, the best he can."

"He's outside, isn't he?"

Alice sighed heavily, throwing up her hands. "I told him not to be, but he doesn't listen. He's close enough he can be here in seconds, if that's what you want." She tapped her finger against one temple, a light smile on her lips, "I've got an inside line."

I bit my bottom lip, my heart beginning to race, my stomach suddenly in knots. The flowers had been beautiful, the gesture romantic. It may not earn total forgiveness, but surely it merited a simple conversation? Before I could second guess myself, I nodded at Alice.

She stood to go, one hand resting on my shoulder. "If you need me, just call. And if you want to hit him again, let Emmett do it. Him and Rose just got back to Forks about an hour ago. He'd love to hit Edward for you. And it would hurt him a lot less than your hand." She smiled, leaning down to wrap me in a quick embrace. "It's going to work out, Bella, I know it is." Alice and her eternal optimism.

I didn't say anything as she walked away, too afraid Edward would overhear. I didn't appreciate his listening in; if he wanted to know something, he should start trying asking me himself instead of eavesdropping on my conversations with Alice. It was bad enough he could snatch the memory of them out of her head if she wasn't paying attention. As Alice slipped out the window, I could feel the anger rising in me once again. _Edward sure has a lot of nerve to carry on the way he does. And, sure, the flowers are beautiful and all, but Phoenix as home? Phoenix hasn't been home for several years. If Edward had been paying attention at all, he would have figured out I thought of Forks as home, and had for a while; the roses should have been green._

Sinking down on the edge of my bed, I tried to keep myself from stewing. It wasn't going to accomplish anything, and I had to force myself to be calm when Edward came through that window. I had already let the impulsive rage get the better of me that morning; I was still in shock I had actually hit him, though my hand throbbed with a painful reminder.

I was so busy studying the floor I didn't notice when Edward entered the room until his shoes peaked into my vision. Expensive Italian leather was definitely a change from the pale rose carpet I had had since I was a child.

"Hello," he said softly as I looked up, his pained eyes meeting mine for a moment before flickering around the room. He was nervous, which was strange. Edward had been a lot of things, but never nervous. I remembered the afternoon walk in the woods which had ended so terribly, but even then he had been cool and composed. Now he was running his tongue lightly over his lips, and his eyes were roaming across the room. If he was a human seventeen year old boy, I was certain he would have been fidgeting like crazy.

"Hi," I said stupidly, lost for anything else to say. He took another step toward me and I drew back, afraid of letting him get too close. One more of those searing kisses and my resolve would crumble. I curled my feet up under me and pointed to the rocking chair in the corner. "Over there please."

His eyes met mine for one long moment and I thought he would protest, but instead he went to sit in the chair, his eyes immediately downcast after I had sent him away. The silence weighed heavily as I waited for him to speak, refusing to be the first. I was too afraid of what I would say if I dared to open my mouth.

"Do you like the flowers?" he finally asked, eyes settling on the massive bouquet and the parchment I had dropped back down to the dresser next to it after reading.

"Yes," I said softly, my voice barely above a whisper. I knew he could hear me just fine. Part of me wanted to be stubborn, to refuse to admit the flowers had reached deep down to the very small part of my heart that was unbroken and urged it to bloom, but I was too honest for my own good. It would have been a lie and I was tired of lies. With a heavy sigh, I looked up from the floor and met his eyes head on. _Be strong, Bella_, I silently cheered myself on, forcing the words out of my mouth. "They're beautiful Edward. But it doesn't change anything."

He remained silent for a long moment, a thoughtful look on his face, his fingers folded carefully in his lap. "I want to show you something," he finally said, rising and walking toward me. I quickly shoved myself back across the mattress, afraid of what he was going to try. With a furrowed brow, he stopped, holding his hands in the air. "I was not going to touch you," he said quietly, the hurt catching his voice in his throat. He swallowed thickly and leaned down to the floor, kneeling and reaching under the bed. I squeezed my eyes shut and silently counted to ten when he wasn't watching. The tension in the room was humming and I felt ready to snap.

I watched silently, curiosity getting the better of me as he stood again, a bundle in his hands. Wordlessly he placed it on the bed next to me and went back to the chair, restoring the distance I had requested between us. I shot him one more quizzical look, which he didn't see, busy staring at the wall. As my hands reached for the package, I felt his eyes settle back on me, waiting.

Unfolding the cloth carefully, my throat tightened at the sight of the objects. Pictures and a CD came spilling across my lap, Edward's smile staring back up at me. The photos I thought he had stolen…the CD he had made for my birthday…my lullaby…they had been here all along.

"I know you could not see them there, and maybe that is just going to make you angrier, but I had to leave a piece of myself with you." His eyes met mine, and they were full of fear and longing. "Bella, what I said to you that day…it was a terrible lie. I wish I could take it back. After everything that has happened, I wish I had never left at all. I wish I had talked to you, or talked to Alice, or done anything but what I did. I need you to believe that."

"I do believe you," I answered after a pause, my heart beginning to hammer heavily in my chest. I mentally cursed it, knowing Edward could hear, and knowing he could read that any variety of ways. I really needed him to stay exactly where he was. "I believe you lied to me. And I don't know why. And I don't understand."

Edward winced and took a deep breath, his eyes getting a faraway look again. He was obviously choosing his words carefully, a lengthy silence falling over us before he spoke again. "I was trying to protect you."

"When are you going to learn I can take care of myself?" I cut in, trying to keep the irritation out of my voice. _Yelling at Edward won't accomplish anything_, I told myself over and over again. _And it will bring Charlie running. He won't be happy to find Edward here at all, especially considering he thinks Jake is still your boyfriend._ "I'm a big girl, Edward. You have to let me live."

"You mean let you die?" he challenged, an edge in his voice. His stare locked onto mine, and the sorrow I had been seeing was replaced with the old fire I knew well. "Look at what being with me has gotten you. James tried to kill you and nearly did. Victoria picked up where he left off. You think it is acceptable to hang out with _werewolves_ and young ones at that!" He was practically seething, his breathing heavy. "You tell me how you would protect yourself from any of that!" He was out of the chair and pacing, his steps crushing the petals below his feet, his fingers raking angrily through his hair. "You would be far better off if you had just listened to Jessica Stanley and stayed the hell away from us."

"Don't you ever say that again," I snapped back, my voice low and as close to a growl as I was ever going to get. "The way you think of things is completely twisted! Do you have any idea how ridiculous you are?"

"What-"

"No, I let you rant and rave and now you get to listen to me," I cut him back off as he prepared to talk over me again. "Alice is the best friend I have ever had. Emmett makes me laugh when almost no one else can. Esme is what a mother should be; no matter how much I love Renee, she's never really been a mom. I love Carlisle almost as much as I love Charlie. When you left…when you gave up on us, you took all of them away from me. Never mind that losing you almost killed me. And ya know what Edward? I wouldn't trade all of the pain in the world if it meant losing my memories of you." I was crying in earnest again, having swallowed the tears too many times already. I wanted to shout at him, but couldn't with Charlie downstairs, and the frustration was flowing down my cheeks. Edward's expression was pained, his entire body tensed. He looked like he was at once desperate to speak, but also terrified I would yell at him again.

I gulped down another sob, angrily wiping at my eyes with the sleeves of my sweatshirt. "And you know what the worst part is? I wish I could hate you. But I can't."

"Bella…" Edward's voice was strangled as he leaned forward on his knees, his eyes imploring me, the golden honey color I had always loved slowly melting my anger. "I am sorry. I am sorry over and over and over again. I wish…I wish you had said any part of that to me that day in the woods."

"So this is my fault?" I snapped back, jumping up from the bed. I took the three quick steps across the room to where Edward sat, fury ripping through me. "Are you fucking kidding me Edward?" I sneered, putting my hands on either side of the chair and getting in his face. "Are you telling me you left because I didn't pathetically beg you to stay? Is that what you wanted me to do, Edward? Beg you to stay?"

"No!" he shouted back, an anxious glance at the door immediately following his outburst. "No," he said a bit quieter, gripping my hands with his own from where they were still on the arms of the chair. "No, Bella. Christ, you take everything I say the wrong way." His tone grew softer, his fingers forcing mine apart and lacing our hands together. "Can we just…stop?"

"Edward…"

"Please, Bella, I swear…I will not try to kiss you again. But can we just…can I just stay for a little while? I miss you. I have missed you…more than I can tell you. I love you." He untwined one of his hands from mine, reaching up to my cheek and brushing the tips of his fingers lightly across my skin. "No matter how stupid I have been, that never changed."

"I can't do this," I whispered, but I could feel my resolve crumbling. I wanted nothing more than to crawl in my bed and have Edward hold me while I drifted off to sleep, but letting him in my bed…that was dangerous. That was a sure way to give in to the temptation to kiss him, the temptation to just say screw it and skip over the part where he earned my trust back.

"Cannot do what?"

"This!" I yanked my hands out of Edward's, stepped backwards until the bed hit the back of my knees. I sank down, exhausted. Burying my hands in my hair, I twisted the strands around my fingers in frustration. I wanted Edward to go away and I was terrified he would. Deciding it was time to ignore my command, Edward was out of the chair and sitting next to me, wrapping one arm around my shoulders. I gave up, leaning into him, his T-shirt quickly soaked with my tears, the delicious feel of his cool arms around me relaxing. When my tears had finally ceased, I pulled back, taking a deep breath and shrugging his arm off.

"Edward, I don't know how we do this," I finally said, hating how raw my voice sounded. He reached for me, rubbing his thumb lightly against my cheek before speaking. "We just do," he whispered, dropping his hand back down to the bed. His fingers wound between mine, his touch light on my bruised hand. "Just do not hit me again, ok?" he asked with a tiny smile, his eyes dancing with amusement. It made me want to hit him all over again.

"Don't worry, Emmett has been volunteered to hit you for me next time," I shot back with a grin. Emmett's goofy smile popped into my memory, and I imagined him bitch slapping Edward. It nearly made me burst into giggles, but the situation was a little too solemn for that.

"As long as you do not hurt yourself again," Edward returned, refusing to join in on the joking tone I had taken. He was all seriousness again. "If you need Emmett to hit me a few more times, then I will take it. I just want us to be alright with each other."

"What if we can't?" I pressed, closing my eyes against his imploring gaze, the earnestness of his tone. It was difficult to stay angry at him when he was so obviously trying.

"We will," he said firmly, his other hand coming to rest on my cheek. He waited patiently until I opened my eyes, then began again, "Alice says you are still in love with me. That is enough right now."

"I am still in love with you," I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut again at the rush of pain the words brought to me. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself, the old ache deep in my chest flaring into burning pain. "But it's not that simple."

"I know it is not. But just for tonight, let us pretend it is." The hand that was resting on my cheek fell to my waist as he pulled me against him. I was too tired to resist, resting my chin on his shoulder, breathing in the delicious scent of him deeply. As my eyes wandered the room, I took in the flowers, the note he had lovingly wrote. Edward had put a lot of effort into his actions, even if they weren't completely well thought. The photos I had held earlier had fallen across the bed, mine and Edward's eyes now staring back at me. In that picture, we were completely in love and happy. I wondered if we could ever get back to that place.

"I want you to stay," I said softly into his neck, tightening my grasp on him. It was like hugging a statue left outside on a cold winter day, but it felt amazing. His arms tightened around me for one too short moment before he released me.

I stood, grabbing a torn pair of sweat pants and a T-shirt from my closet and taking a step toward the bathroom. Right before opening the door, I turned back to face him. "Edward…I'm not sure we'll ever get back to what we were. Ever. You have a right to know that." Without waiting for a reply, I quickly left the room, hurrying through washing my face and brushing my teeth. I peeled off the sweater Alice had loved so much and sighed at the relief of my own comfortable pjs.

Half-expecting Edward to have gone back out the window by the time I returned, a small part of me was surprised to find him lounging against the headboard, his shoes kicked off. I wondered when I was going to stop being afraid he was running off again. His eyes brightened momentarily, beginning to roam across my body before he stopped himself, gaze immediately focused on mine. It should have pissed me off, but instead it gave me a small thrill of joy.

As I slid into the bed next to him, I turned on my side, the dim light of the room allowing me only to barely make out the glint of his eyes. "Bella," he began, his voice barely more than a whisper, "I know we will never be what we were again. Before is gone. And I do not want to be that again. I want us to be something new, something stronger. I do not want to ever walk away from you again."

"Ok," I replied, meeting his stare in the dark. "But we're not ok right now. I just…I missed you too much to not say yes to this. You can't kiss me," I said sternly, trying to mean it. _It's for your own good my conscience chided me. You can't let him kiss you. It'll all go to hell if you do. You make damn sure he's not going anywhere before you go back down that road._

"You are very fixated on me kissing you," he teased, his tone light enough for me to know it was a joke. I scrunched my face into a look of warning, knowing he would see it in the dark even if I couldn't make out his features. "Don't make me call Emmett," I threatened, but I didn't mean it. I wouldn't let Emmett in my room right then anyway; I could only imagine what he would say upon finding Edward and I back in bed the first day we saw each other again. I would put money on the words "make-up sex" being somewhere in his thoughts.

Exhausted from the day, I curled against Edward, pressing my face to his chest and breathing in deeply. He began to hum softly, his fingers tracing feather light patterns across my back as I began to drift off. I realized it was my lullaby moments before falling asleep, a genuine smile of contentment stretching across my lips.

I felt Edward's lips brush against my forehead, heard him whisper "I love you" and fell asleep in his arms for the first time in nearly a year. Nothing was solved, nothing was as it should have been, but I had Edward for that one night. In the morning, I would have to face the reality that I still spent every other moment in his presence wondering when he would run off again, when he would overreact. I dreaded the day he came face to face with Jacob, dreaded explaining his return to Charlie. He hadn't said anything, but I was sure Edward was planning on coming back to Forks High; my friends had been with me through the Edward-induced catatonia and would be unlikely to quickly forget it.

The world was against us, and my own fears were doing nothing to make me feel better about any of it. In the light of day, they would all be laid out for me, no matter how pretty of a backdrop the flower petals would make. But in the deep of night, it was too dark to see any of it.

Chapter title = mayday parade


	10. and the worst part is before it gets any

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

10. and the worst part is before it gets any better we're heading for a cliff

Bella fell asleep moments after snuggling into my arms, her breathing deep and even and the smallest smile curling her lips. I went very still, vowing to keep from moving and waking her. By the bruises under her eyes, a good night's sleep was a rarity for Bella. I was not going to ruin it.

Left with the night reaching long ahead of me, my thoughts lapsed back to my argument with Bella. Alice had scoffed at me when she saw my plan, the flowers, the note, sneaking in before Bella could see me. It will bring trouble, she had cautioned, her eyes narrowed. She wanted me to give Bella some space and stay away. I ignored her and was glad I had. I made a note to self to remind Alice her visions were never set in stone; I could force them to change if I forced my own mind to change.

I was still surprised Bella had agreed to my plea. When I had entered her bedroom, I had been terrified in a way I had never felt before. Even when James was trying to kill her, even when I walked into that ballet studio and saw her bleeding on the ground, that moment had been a different kind of terror. This was uncertainty I had never felt before, and a genuine fear that no matter how many ways I apologized, she would never forgive me. I knew the flowers were not good enough to get us there, but I needed to know we were on our way. Without that, I was as good as dead.

Her emotions had been a mess. If Jasper had been there, he may have had a nervous breakdown from being pulled in so many different directions. I did not know how Bella had not. _Oh wait, she had. When you left, you idiot_, I mentally chided myself, eyes glancing down to where she slept against my chest. I wondered how she could possibly be comfortable; I knew my chest was not warm, and it was not soft. I desperately wished it was, wished that I could be Jacob for just that moment.

Alice had tried to warn me, but the biggest surprise from our conversation had been Bella's rage, her accusations. _Are you telling me you left because I didn't pathetically beg you to stay? Is that what you wanted me to do, Edward? Beg you to stay?_ There had been a savageness to her tone I had never heard before, a bitterness I now knew for sure reached down into her core.

The worst part of it was that the answer was _yes_, yes I had desperately wished she had begged. The thought of what that would have done to me…it would have broken my resolve. I closed my eyes, focusing on Bella's deep and even breaths to force calm into myself. Instead, she had just…accepted it. I thought back to that day in the woods, remembering the exchange that had finalized it.

"_Bella, I do not want you to come with me," I had said, forcing each word out of my mouth slowly and clearly. They were words designed to wound, and as I watched her face crumble, I knew I had hit my mark. _This is for the best_, I had told myself at the time, forcing my eyes to remain blank when I could feel my throat tightening. I had wanted nothing more than to tell her I did not mean it, that I could not leave, that it would not matter how many times she ended up in danger; I was staying. I was too selfish to leave, too in love with her to fathom a moment of eternity without her. But I held my tongue, forcing myself to hold her gaze with cold eyes._

"_You…don't…want…me?" she had finally replied, each word sounding awkward in her mouth, her tone confused. She looked up at me, her eyes pooling with tears. Every ounce of rejection and sorrow was reflected back at me from her expression of heartbroken loss. _

_I wanted to close my eyes, squeeze them shut against the words. The pain in her face was cracking my resolve, the tremor in her voice tugging at all my carefully laid out reasoning. But I could not. I could not let Bella see for one moment I did not mean any of what I had said. The moment I did that, it was over. I was never going to leave, and for her safety, I needed to. _Just do it, Edward_, I had told myself firmly, mentally preparing the frigid tone I knew I needed. _

"_No." It was one word, but it rang with finality. I forced myself to hold her gaze, willing hardness and coldness to replace the usual warmth and love. I had to make her believe it. I would keep fighting with her, keep fighting the confused tone in her voice until she got it. It would be miserable, and it would hurt me much worse than her, but I would do it. I would do anything to keep her safe. _

"_Well, that changes things," she had answered. The confusion was gone from her voice, and it had turned calm and matter-of-fact. The eyes that looked back at me were dead now, blank. She was not going to fight it, or question it any further. _

_I had looked away, unable to see the blankness in her eyes anymore. Did she have that little faith in our relationship all along that all it took was one word, one "no" from me, to bring it all crashing down? Where was Bella's usual stubbornness, her usual fire? The half of me that had wanted her to fight, wanted her to convince me I was ridiculous, it was hurt. Why did she not fight for me? _

_One vicious statement after another had ripped from my lips, determined to try and get a reaction out of her, a plea to stay. Nothing. She said "don't" but she said it like she just wanted me to be gone, to have done. The moment I had said "no" she had shut down, completely and utterly. The girl staring at me with the vacant eyes was a shell of Bella, her fire, her passion…and her ability to love. _

Lying in her bed, I forced the anger back down. It was not fair of me to be angry with her for not fighting. Maybe. More than anything, I had been hurt that she did not think it was worth fighting for, that she had so easily accepted my lies. I never should have told them, that was true, but I had.

"Edward…" Bella murmured, nuzzling her face against my chest. I held my own breath, listening carefully to her breathing and heart beat. _Still asleep, but dreaming…and dreaming about me._ "Oh, Edward…" she sighed, the arm casually slung across my waist tightening.

The way she said my name instantly erased the anger I had felt boiling up. Whatever she may have believed that day in the woods, whatever she may not have said or done, it was clear by the way she had said my name that she was still as in love with me as Alice insisted she was. I prayed that what was happening, her resistance, her rage, that they would fade and in time we could get back to being us. I had told the truth when I spoke earlier; I knew before was gone. I was not interested in before, in a relationship with her where I could walk away…and she could easily believe I did not want her. I wanted to be with Bella in such a way that it was impossible for her to doubt my love for her, and my inability to ever feel differently. Carlisle had been right; I was irrevocably changed.

Until Bella caught up with my newfound certainty, I would wait it out. I would wait while she sorted things with Jacob, though I hoped that would be over sooner rather than later. Picturing Jacob anywhere around Bella was difficult for me; each time I tried to force myself to accept that she would need to speak to him at some point, all I could see was his arms wrapped around her, her bare stomach pressed against his. I hated it. I wanted Bella's bare flesh pressed against mine, and mine alone. It terrified me how far things may have gone with them while I had been gone. Bella was a hormonal teenage girl, and I had starved her of the affections she desperately tried to get from me. Chaste kisses would only keep her happy for so long.

But Jacob…Jacob did not have the problem I had. He was warmth, and softness, and breakable just like her. Maybe he was a little more resilient, but he could not turn iron to dust with a flick of his fingers like I could…he did not stand a chance of snapping Bella's neck because he was a little too into it and forgot to mind his strength. I knew he had already done more, seen more, felt more of my Bella than I had. The thought of it ripped an involuntary growl out of throat, my arms tightening around Bella's sleeping form. I was terrified of just how much more, and I knew asking Bella would lead to trouble. _Maybe Alice can find out for me… _

My thoughts were interrupted by Bella's soft murmurs again, but this time, there was something more. Her arms tightened around me again, but one of her legs drew itself over mine, pulling her body closer yet. I held my breath, willing myself to be still like only a vampire could be. The best part, the worst part, had been how she had said my name; it was filled with lust.

She moaned quietly, her fingers curling into my shirt and gripping tightly. Her scent intensified in the room, and I could feel the heat radiating off her. Bella was having some dream…and I was in it. "Oh, god," she whispered, her body hugging closer to me, her breath ragged, her body rubbing against mine.

_What do I do?_ I panicked silently, fighting my own arousal at the scene unfolding in Bella's bed. She was dreaming about me, about us, together in ways I had never allowed. Could I wake her? Would she be mad if I did not and she found out what I had heard? Could I simply wake her with a kiss and see where that took us?

My mind wandered with the last option, envisioning Bella in her bed, Bella's hair splayed out behind her as I slowly removed every last stitch of clothing from her, Bella reaching for me, pulling me to her…Bella whispering my name in a throaty moan while she was fully awake, fully aware of what was going on. The more I thought about it, the more turned on I got, a painful tightness growing in my groin.

_Stop it_, I cautioned myself, forcing my hands to remain motionless around her. It would be so easy to edge up her shirt, slide my hands against her warm skin, feel the goosebumps rise as I traced patterns lower and lower down her stomach…

_She will hate you_, I told myself, squeezing my eyes shut and taking a deep breath in an effort to calm down. _Bad idea._ The deep breath brought the scent of her rushing at me in dizzying strength; I had smelled Bella like this before, the thick perfume of her concentrated in lust, but not like this. Whatever Bella was dreaming, it went beyond steamy kisses.

_You have to let her come to you_, I instructed myself, no longer breathing. _Remember how angry she got when you kissed her this morning. _

Not breathing helped, kept the delicious scent of her at a tolerable level. Thinking thoughts like "let her come to you" made it less tolerable. A fantasy of Bella crying out my name as she came to me in a very different manner flooded my senses, making it nearly impossible to keep still as she continued to press against me, her breath hot against my neck.

The dream went on for what felt like forever, Bella moaning my name softly, writhing her small body against me before she finally went still. Her breathing evened out and I finally relaxed, allowing myself to breathe her in now that she a little less tempting.

_Well that was interesting_, I thought, listening to her heartbeat, now beating in its usual slow rhythm. It had raced before, raced like I had only heard it a few times before…the morning included.

_I wonder why that kiss made her so mad?_ I pondered, running my fingers through her silky hair with a feather light touch. If her initial reaction was any indication, she had wanted to kiss me as badly as I had wanted to kiss her. _Why is she holding back so much?_ I was getting frustrated with her, with the way in which she clearly seemed to want me back, but pushed me away at the same time. Tonight was a perfect example of it.

It did not seem fair that in a few short hours I would have to leave, and we would go back to being awkward with each other, not knowing how to act. While I did not entirely buy into Emmett's suggestions, maybe there was something to it. Why could we not just throw ourselves into each other's arms and let passion fix it? We were not lacking in that department.

_Yeah and how far would you even let that go?_ I asked myself brutally, sighing quietly as Bella shifted against me in her sleep. Her lips were practically pressed against my neck, her breath sending shivers down my spine. _You will kill her. That will not fix anything_.

I spent the rest of the night lost in my thoughts, wondering how I could fix things with Bella, and how I could keep my own frustrations in check. I was willing to swallow my grief, my sorrow at her reaction that day in the woods if it meant I could have her back. Alice would tell me that I was stupid and I had to put all my cards on the table if I wanted it fixed, but I did not care. Alice be damned, I was going to do this my way.

_Being so stubborn got you into this mess in the first place_, I reminded myself, watching out the window as the darkness began to fade to light. _And now you are running out of time for this one night of reprieve._

It was not much longer before Bella stirred, her sleepy sigh echoing around the room. I only knew she was awake by the change in her breathing, the way her fingers curled around my shirt. She breathed deeply, like she was trying to breathe me in; it was a feeling I knew all too well. I had spent the entire night drawing her scent down into my lungs, forcing every cell in my brain to memorize the way her body felt molded to mine. I was terrified to know I had no idea when the next time it might happen again would be.

"Edward…" she mumbled sleepily, definitely awake now. Her arms tightened around me and mine around her, holding each other peacefully for a few long, luxurious moments. "What time is it?" she muttered into my throat. The way her breath hit my cool skin should have been criminal.

"Barely five-thirty," I whispered back, running my fingers gently through her snarled hair. "Did you sleep alright?"

"Better than I have in almost a year," she answered, a twinge of sadness in her voice. She yawned loudly, rolling off me to stretch her arms high above her head. It took most of my self control to keep from watching as her shirt pulled higher across her taunt stomach. After the way our night had gone, it was better I thought less about Bella undressed.

Leaning on one elbow, I propped myself up on my side next to her, tracing lazy patterns across her arm. I did not like the loss of contact her movement had resulted in. She peeked at me through lidded eyes, watching quietly. "Do you want me to go?" I finally asked, refusing to meet her gaze. I knew it was inevitable she would throw me out. After all, it was not all too long before it was time for us both to be in class.

"Not yet." Her eyes slid closed again and she scooted closer to me, snuggling up against my chest. "It's not daytime yet. We still have this night to…pretend."

_I am not pretending_, I told her silently, pressing a kiss against her forehead as she sighed contently. I had promised not to kiss her, but I figured that did not count. She plainly did not like her own body's reaction to the kiss we had shared the previous morning – why I could not figure out – but the small, chaste action could not possibly be against the rules.

"I am coming back to school today," I said quietly, not wanting her to be surprised in the parking lot again. Full disclosure was my new policy. "I can make sure I am not in any of your classes…if you prefer it that way."

I felt her chin nod against me, but she did not say anything either way. I could not decide if that was a good sign or a bad one. I supposed it would not be long before I found out. _Maybe I should get Alice to get her schedule for me and put off school another day. Maybe I just will not go back to school at all and we can pretend I got a tutor. The entire town knows the Cullens are loaded, so it is an entirely plausible scenario._

As the sky was turning pink, Bella slowly pulled away from me, her sleepy eyes studying me carefully as she pulled herself into a sitting position. "Edward…" she began, her tone making me afraid of what was coming next, "Edward…you have to go."

"Ok," I said, sliding from the bed without argument. I was reaching for my shoes when I felt her next to me, one hand on my arm.

"Look at me, please."

I turned to find her gnawing her bottom lip like she usually did when she was nervous. "Edward…I…I'm glad you were here," she said slowly, her words full of caution. "Last night, I mean. I'm glad you stayed. But don't think…this isn't an every night thing. I don't want you sneaking in her all the time like you used to. I can't…I can't get used to you being here like that."

"Why?" It seemed so simple to me. Bella wanted me there, so I was. Bella slept better when I was there, so I was. I was crazy in love with her, and I knew somewhere under all the hurt, she felt the same way. Why should we not spend the nights wrapped in each other's arms?

"Because I can't, Edward, alright? I'm not asking your permission," she snapped, her voice tight with irritation. "I'm telling you. I don't want to wake up and find you here when you don't have my express permission to do so. Are we clear?"

"Yes." I wasn't sure who this new, authoritative, order giving Bella was, but I liked it. Not in that moment, per say, when she was banning me from my favorite night time activity, but there was something incredibly sexy about her confidence. But it bothered me she would not tell me why. I could not understand it, and that was making me crazy.

"Bella…I do not understand," I finally confessed, having shoved my feet into my shoes. I stood and turned to go, pausing at the window to look back at her. She had her legs pulled up to her chest, and her eyes had a faraway look; she looked like a lost little girl. I wanted nothing more than to scoop her up in my arms and hold her until she did not feel that way anymore.

A flicker of irritation crossed her face as she turned to me, her eyes darkening. "I told you last night why. Apparently you weren't listening." Her face softened, and she took a deep breath before speaking again. "Look, I just need time, ok?"

I nodded, forcing myself not to ask any further questions. It felt strange to leave without wrapping her into my arms, without kissing her, but the look on her face made me think touching her was not such a great idea. Not that my overactive imagination was not thinking how incredibly sexy she looked with her hair hanging in tousles around her cheeks, the thin T-shirt clinging to her in all the right places. I could not stop myself from thinking how much sexier she would look if it was my T-shirt she was wearing, my bed she was waking up in.

_Not that I currently own a bed…going to have to fix that. _

Waiting until her eyes locked on mine, I stared at Bella for one long moment before sketching a smile onto my expression. "I will see you at school," I whispered, my hand on the windowsill. "I love you."

I did not wait for an answer, throwing myself out the window immediately following the words. I was already to the trees when I heard her reply, so faint I knew it was not meant for my hearing. "I love you too. God, Edward…you're going to be the death of me."

_Yes, that is what I am afraid of,_ I mentally answered, before forcing my mind blank. I could not think about the night I had just spent with her anymore. Alice was going to be ready and waiting to pounce the second I walked through the door. I needed enough time to deal with my sister, shower, and get dressed for my first day back at Forks High. What I wanted to do more than anything was go back and pick Bella up for school like I had done before, but I had a feeling that was out of the question. She had mentioned that Charlie still knew nothing of our return, and that meant he would not appreciate finding out by seeing me first thing in the morning. I would just have to see her at school. _With people watching all around us. Great._

At least I had found something to keep my mind occupied during classes; I was going to find a way to be alone with Bella more and more often. It was my hope that the more time we spent together, without distraction, the more easily I could prove to her I was not going anywhere. And maybe, just maybe, we could have a civil conversation about what went so wrong between us without one of us losing our tempers.

To my surprise, it was not Alice waiting on the couch for me, but Emmett. The broad grin he was wearing when I came in the door made me wish for Alice instead.

"Hey, baby bro, where have you been all night?" He was so amused he could barely contain himself. _At least Rose is not here for this too_, I grumbled silently, trying to tune out the rush of thoughts Emmett was sending my way. His imagination was not so far off from where mine had been at while in Bella's bed, but coming from him it was just…shady.

"Emmett, not now," I growled, turning toward the stairs. Just because she was not waiting for me like I thought she would be, I knew there was no avoiding Alice. I could only take the lecture and jibes of one sibling; two was going to be more than enough. It did not help that I had yet to see Carlisle or Esme since their return to Forks; though I logically knew I should not be, I was as terrified to see them as if I really was just a seventeen year old human boy strolling in at six a.m. on a school night.

"Oh, c'mon, Eddie, tell me! You know, I could give you a few ideas myself." When I turned to face him, his eyebrows were wiggling suggestively. "I get myself in trouble with Rose all the time. It's definitely fixable."

"Do not call me that. And I did not put a scratch in Bella's BMW, Emmett." Emmett's mind immediately went back to the afternoon he had done exactly that, and the rage Rosalie had flown into. They had been preparing to go out hunting, and Emmett was waiting in the garage clad in a puffy winter coat to keep up appearances. He leaned against Rosalie's car as he waited, and one of the zippers had scraped against the metal while he impatiently fidgeted. Rosalie had come shrieking through the garage door and let him have it, ranting and raving about custom paint colors and the world of trouble he was in. Emmett's thoughts skipped over most of her screaming and jumped to the part where he made it better – on the hood of the car.

"Emmett!" I shouted, putting my hands to my head and squeezing, trying to block the barrage of images. "Not the answer, ok?"

"How do you know? You've never tried it!" he protested, putting the thoughts in his head aside with a twinge of regret. He was already making plans for his day with Rosalie. Emmett was pleased with how our return was working out for him; because he and Rosalie were older as far as Forks High was concerned, they were supposedly off at college. It meant they had to be careful to stay out of town, but Emmett did not foresee a problem finding something to occupy himself all day long. He was rather looking forward to it.

"Yeah well, she slapped me when I kissed her, so I do not think your method is going to work."

"She slapped you?!" The laughter Emmett had been holding in broke free, his entire body shaking. I stewed while he laughed, humiliation and rage sweeping through me. I had assumed that just like everything else in my life, my family had already found out about my incident with Bella. _The one time Emmett does not actually know about something, I have to go and blurt it out. Figures._ "Oh, Edward, I wish I could have seen the look on your face! Bella got some balls while you were gone."

"Yes, Emmett. Bella is…different now." I was seething as he continued to laugh, wanting nothing more than to tackle him and do a little damage myself. But Emmett was nearly twice my size, and even with my special talents, I would end up the one pinned to the floor…which would only make him laugh at me more.

"Emmett!" Rosalie's voice cut sharply into his merriment, and when he looked up, he was sheepish, like she had caught him stealing cookies. Alice at her side, she stood at the bottom of the stares, glaring. "Really, Emmett, unnecessary." She rolled her eyes at him, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "Just leave Edward alone. He's got enough to worry about without you berating him like a child." She turned and walked back up the stairs without another word, leaving Alice standing on the steps by herself.

Emmett slunk after her, very much chagrined. I myself was puzzled. Since when did Rosalie stick up for me? Usually, when it came to Bella, she was all for a good ribbing. Bella was not Rosalie's favorite person, thanks in part to her own bruised ego, but also for the choices she made. Rosalie thought Bella was a fool; she would happily trade places, and give up Emmett, to have the human life filled with children Bella had stretching before her. It made me wonder how strong their relationship really was. While I did not doubt they were wonderful together – Emmett's tendency to act like the high school big man on campus went perfectly with Rosalie's cheerleader captain personality – I could not understand Rosalie. When it came to Bella, in just over a year, I had discovered that there was nothing in this world I would trade to be with her. Yes, I had been stupid enough to think otherwise a year earlier, but now it was different. Emmett and Rosalie had been together for over fifty years; how could she possibly think there was something worth giving up that bond for?

I did not understand Rosalie's departure, but when Alice turned to face me I heaved an internal groan. Emmett's stupid teasing was definitely less stressful than anything about to come out of Alice's mouth. She had that look on her face, lips pursed, eyes narrowed, that meant I was about to get a lecture.

"Edward, why don't you love me?" she finally asked, her voice sickeningly sweet. "Aren't I your favorite sister?"

"Most days."

"Then why do you continue to ignore all of my advice?" She left the bottom of the stairs, marching herself over to the couch and dragging me along with her. "I thought I told you to stop forcing yourself into Bella's life. Let her move at her own pace."

"Alice, she asked me to stay last night. Did your all seeing eye miss that one?" I demanded sarcastically, ripping my arm from her grip. I was getting tired of everyone butting into my life. If Alice had just stayed put, if she had just let me handle this on my own, I could have the peace and quiet of an empty house right now to sort my thoughts in. Instead, everyone was hanging on my every word. Though she had managed to remove him from the room, there was no way Rosalie could keep Emmett from listening to my conversation. I was doubtful she would even try not to listen herself.

"I was _trying_ to give you some privacy," she snapped back, irritation flickering across her face. Her thoughts revealed it was due more to being wrong than anything I had said. It annoyed her to not know what was coming, to be wrong about her assumptions. Guilt suddenly tinted her thoughts, and her face relaxed. "She really asked you to stay?"

"Yes."

"How did it go?"

I paused before answering, wondering how best to explain the night. _Well, Alice, we got into a fight – again – and then I managed to convince her to let me stay. We got in bed, she fell asleep, and she definitely had some kind of sexual dream about me. Being the idiot I am, I loved every second of it. Then when she woke up and I told her I was coming back to school, she seemed perfectly indifferent. It was an absolutely maddening experience. _

Alice missed nothing, reading the confusion on my face as I sorted through my thoughts. I was grateful her gift only extended to seeing the future; now that the evening had passed, it was unlikely she would be able to draw up a visual recreation.

"It went…fine."

"Fine? Edward, 'fine' is a bullshit answer."

"How about I do not want to give you the intimate details of it, but I am glad I went over there last night?" I retorted, wondering why it mattered to her so much. Fishing through her thoughts, I found she was reciting poems in Greek. She was up to something.

"You know Bella will tell me."

"She will not tell you what happened while she was asleep," I countered. _Crap. That is what my foot tastes like. Crap. _

"So something did happen!" Alice pounced on my mistake, her face lighting up in anticipation. "Did she slap you again? I told her not to do that."

"No! What is it with you people? You are supposed to be my family!" I buried my head in my hands, knowing it was pointless to refuse Alice. She would find a way to get it out of me, and it was better to just answer her in the privacy of my own home. "She, um…well she had this dream. And I think…I think it was about me."

Alice snorted, a very unusual sound for her, and rolled her eyes. "We all know she's dreamt about you a million times before. Remember? You practically stalked her when you met. There was clearly something different about this one. Spit it out."

If it was possible for a vampire to blush, my cheeks would have been bright red. _This_ _is how Bella feels all the time_, I thought with some amount of guilt. I had always loved seeing her cheeks flush with warmth when I said or did something to cause it, but now…now Alice was doing it to me and I did not much like it.

"Um, well…Ithinkshedreamtofushavingsex," I blurted out in a rush. A human would never have been able to decipher a word I had said, but Alice's eyes widened in glee.

"What makes you think that?"

"I am not answering that question." I glared at her, folding my arms across my chest defensively. Was nothing sacred anymore? Sure, I had loved every one of Bella's murmured words, the soft moans and all the rest, and yes, it had seemed a little unfair that she did not know what I had heard, but I certainly was not going to share with the rest of the world. "I just know, ok?"

"Okkkkk." Alice was definitely thrilled by this turn of events, her eyes bright and a smile plastered across her face. "Fine, Edward, ruin my fun!"

It was my turn to roll my eyes. I glanced quickly at the clock resting atop the mantle and was relieved to have an excuse to get away from Alice. "I have to go get ready for school. We need to leave soon."

"Mmmhmm," she replied, watching me as I stood to go. "Can't wait to see her again, can you?"

"You already know the answer to that," I replied, heading for the stairs. The part I did not tell Alice was that I was also dreading it. After the old comfort and familiarity of spending the night in her bedroom, the thought of pretending to be distant strangers in school ate at me.

I rushed through getting cleaned up, taking extra time only to pick out my clothes for the day. Bella enjoyed it when I wore dark colors; she said she loved the way the fabrics would contrast against my skin. With her in mind, I grabbed a forest green T-shirt and a pair of dark wash jeans. I had not bothered to fill my closet when I returned to Forks, but Alice worked quickly; my closet was once again stocked with designer items. I shoved my feet into shoes, and grabbed a light jacket to keep up the pretense. I could sink myself in foot of snow – and had – and still be warm. But I was already sure to draw attention to myself merely by walking through the door; I did not need them all to wonder what on earth I was doing without a jacket as well.

"All dressed up for your human?" Rosalie asked, poking her head out her bedroom door as I walked past. Her eyebrows arched at me, expectant. "Stop it, Emmett, they're all leaving soon," she suddenly hissed over her shoulder before turning back to me.

"Yes, Rosalie," I answered, wondering why on earth she cared. I supposed the small amount of sympathy she had shown downstairs was now gone. Without saying another word to her – or answering Emmett's mental words of encouragement – I ran down the stairs to find Alice and Jasper already waiting for me.

"Edward, please, try and relax," Jasper pled when I hit the bottom of the stairs. He was agitated, Alice running a soothing hand up and down his arm.

"Sorry," I apologized, trying to force my nerves down. Jasper did not need to share in my anxiety. He already felt bad enough, still blaming himself for my decision to leave Forks. I had told him over and over his actions were not my reason for leaving, but he did not believe me. To be fair, Jasper's reaction to Bella's paper cut had been a trigger for the rest of it, but it was not his fault. Everything I had been feeling, everything I had been thinking about Bella's safety, had been simmering just under the surface the entire time. If it had not been Jasper, it would have been something else.

He smiled as I relaxed, and I felt a wave of calm rush over me. I returned his grin, thankful for the boost he was giving me. Alice was impatient to be going and rushed us both into my car. _Just like old times_, I thought, putting the keys into the ignition of my Volvo, Alice riding shotgun and Jasper in the backseat.

After Emmett and Alice's lectures, we were later than usual, the parking lot already mostly full. My eyes instantly sought out Bella's rusted old truck, relieved to see it parked in her normal spot. Part of me had been afraid she would skip the day to avoid me. Instead, she was leaning up against the truck, engaged in a half-hearted conversation with Angela Webber. The majority of her attention was focused on her phone, which she was furiously typing away on. The expression on her face worried me; it was part rage, part despair. Her entire body was rigid, tense.

I glanced over at Alice, curious to see what she made of Bella's expression. I was dismayed to see the faraway look in her eyes that meant she was not paying attention to anything in the present. When the vision broke, she shook her head lightly, coming back to the car. Turning to me, her smile was a bit too bright for my liking…and she was reciting Greek conjugations. I had been too wrapped up in Bella to notice Alice's vision when it had started, but I had caught the end of it; blackness, endless blackness. It chilled me to the core.

"What did you see Alice?" I demanded, grabbing her arm as she turned to go.

"Nothing!"

"Alice…"

"Edward, really, it's nothing," she answered, tugging against my grasp. In the rearview mirror, I noticed Jasper growing increasingly agitated. "Seriously, we're going to be late. You have to go talk to Mrs. Cope about your schedule."

"Let her go, Edward," Jasper warned from the back seat. We rarely disagreed on anything, but when it came to Alice, Jasper would stop at nothing to protect her. Reluctantly I loosened my grasp on Alice, shooting her a look that clearly said we would be talking about this. She was visibly shaken and I did not like it.

She stepped from the car, leaning back in to grab her bag. Her eyes met mine for a quick second before she started to walk away. _Bella has study hall third period_, she silently told me, linking fingers with Jasper and taking off across the parking lot.

I nodded at her back, squeezing my eyes shut for one long moment. Bella was already on her way into the building, her attention firmly focused on the phone. I was not sure she had even noticed my family's arrival. It was rare Bella could be distracted from me; I could say without arrogance I knew the effect I had on her. She had it on me as well. The electric tug between us I had felt the first time I touched her had never slackened; if anything it was stronger now for me than it had ever been.

Trying to ignore the sensation of dread pooling in my stomach, I got out of the car and started for the brick building, determined to get a third period study hall. I needed to know what on that phone had so completely captured her attention.

Chapter title = paramore


	11. pendulous threads

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

XI. pendulous threads

"I love you too. God, Edward…you're going to be the death of me," I muttered under my breath. Edward was long gone and I knew he wouldn't hear me. Good thing too. Edward being the death of me was sort of what I was hoping for one day.

I lay in my bed for another few moments, thinking back over my night. Panic had risen while I had been brushing my teeth, panic I had made the wrong decision in allowing him to stay. But it would have been a lie to deny how crawling into his arms felt…I had missed Edward, wished for him, on an almost nightly basis for the last year. Yet once presented with the option of having him, I had been terrified; I had thought maybe it would just be better if he went away again – until I gave in. Now I felt the sharp and acute ache of his absence. Part of me wanted to grab my cell phone, call him before he even made it home, and insist we blow off school together to spend the day in the meadow.

Thinking of Edward and the meadow brought back my earlier dream and I shuddered, drawing the blankets tightly around me. Even with Edward's icy skin, I was chillier without him in the bed beside me. Thinking about that dream made me think about the night's dream…and that just made me blush.

There had been plenty of Edward dreams in my past, and plenty of dreams involving Edward and I together, but nothing like this. In my dreams, Edward was chaste the way he was in real life; he would kiss me and take my breath away, but my clothes stayed in place. Not last night. Last night I dreamt of my skin pressed against his, flesh to flesh, and a whole host of other activities, things I hadn't even done with Jacob. The most frustrating part of the entire dream was that it never led anywhere…Edward's hands had been all over me, touching, caressing, making me want more and more, but there never was anything else. I woke up aching for his touch. It took a serious amount of effort to force myself to do nothing more than snuggle up to him. If his lips had touched mine for even one moment, it would have been over; a frenzy of lust would have been ignited and there would have been no way for me to stop.

Not that any of it mattered. Jacob and I had kept ourselves from temptation time and time again, for various reasons. Looking back, it was more that I kept us from temptation. Hindsight told me it was because I really didn't want Jacob, not entirely anyway. There was no denying how badly I wanted Edward, but Edward had been clear about his careful rules. He was convinced he would kill me, and he had pushed me away when I so much as tried to put a little tongue in our kisses. Anymore dreams like that one, and I was going to combust.

Knowing it was unavoidable, I finally hauled myself out of bed and into the shower. I took longer than I should have, leaning back against the shower wall and letting the hot water relax my sore muscles. One hand still ached from where I had struck Edward; it was an angry purple blue I would have to hide from Charlie. On the other hand, the scrapes were beginning to heal from my motorcycle accident.

_Definitely a mess_, I decided as I paused in front of the bathroom mirror. I stared at my foggy reflection for a moment, wondering if I should even bother trying to look nice. Alice would be at school, and no doubt thoroughly disappointed if I didn't show off more of my new clothes, but I was exhausted. Deciding Alice was just going to have to get over it, I reached into my closet for a worn pair of jeans and an old T-shirt. I shoved my feet into my sneakers, tugged a brush through my hair before throwing it up in a messy bun and decided that was good enough. Alice would kill me, but it would be a comfortable death.

One glance at the clock told me I was going to be late if I didn't get myself downstairs immediately. I grabbed my cell phone off the nightstand, shoved it in my pocket and made my way to the kitchen.

It wasn't until I stepped out of my truck in the parking lot of Forks High that I looked at the phone. One new message. Wondering who on earth would be texting me before seven a.m., I flipped the phone open and immediately wished I hadn't. I had a text from Jacob.

**So I wasn't allowed to spend the night but the bloodsucker is. Wonder what Charlie thinks about that. **

I stared at it in horror, slamming the truck's door shut behind me as I fell against it. _Not good, not good_, I repeated over and over again, staring at the phone_. Breathe, Bella, breathe. You knew Jacob was going to be like this. You will deal with it calmly and compassionately_, I told myself sternly, attention back to the phone. Angela was heading in my direction, looking like she had something to say.

**Jacob, nothing happened. Please don't say anything to Charlie. **

Angela walked up as I was hitting send, and I plastered a quick smile on my face. "Morning!" I was trying too hard to be cheerful, and her sideways glance told me she knew it. "What's up?" I asked, forcing my voice back down to normal Bella levels.

"Did you finish the reading for English yet?"

"Um, yeah," I replied, trying to stay focused on our conversation. My phone was buzzing in my pocket, and I drew it out hastily. Another new message. "Need help?"

"Yeah, you know how much lit isn't my thing. Numbers yes, words no." Angela's laughter was forced, and I knew how much she hated having to ask for help from anyone, even a friend. I was the resident lit nerd; we were currently studying Milton's _Paradise Lost_, which had a lot of people pulling out their hair, but I found it easy. Milton's freeform style of writing had an easy rhythm to it, his characters life beyond the generic Genesis story.

It would have been great if I had said any of that to Angela. Instead, I ignored her, my eyes glued to the phone.

**Give me one good reason not to. **

**Because you're not that much of a jerk**, I quickly typed before hitting send. Angela was watching me with a knowing look on her face and she offered a soft smile. "Fighting with Jake?"

"Something like that," I muttered, fighting the anxiety welling in my stomach. One of my glances at the phone revealed it was about time to get to class, so I shouldered my bag and fell into step beside Angela. I counted myself lucky it was Angela who had come up to me that morning in the parking lot; if Jessica had been waiting to ask me about the reading, I would have been in big trouble. Angela could tell something was up with Jacob and was fine with me keeping it to myself; Jessica would have not only insisted I tell her the entire story, but done me the favor of not having to repeat it when she told everyone else. No one knew Jacob and I had broken up yet, and I was planning to keep it that way. For now.

I had just stepped through the glass doors when a sharp tug pulled me into an empty classroom. Alice, with rain drops shimmering in her short hair, closed the door too quickly for me to follow and perched herself on one of the desks. "Who ya talkin' to so furiously first thing in the morning?" she asked in a singsong voice, her tone doing nothing to conceal the suspicious and stern look on her face.

"Alice…."

"Well, I know it wasn't Edward. He was with me," she said matter-of-factly. She arched one eye brow at me, waiting.

"You know what Alice? I don't have time for this right now. I've got to go to class. I can't be late because you want to interrogate me. Normal friends don't kidnap me into empty classrooms. Normal friends wait until I'm ready to talk about it."

I loved Alice like family, but I wasn't in the mood for it. Lately it seemed everyone had an opinion on what I should or shouldn't be doing, who I should or shouldn't be talking to. It was getting old fast. For one day, I just wanted to go to my classes and be lost in my own thoughts. I had plenty to think about with only my own opinions to consider, never mind anyone else's.

Alice was silent as I walked toward the door, speaking only when I had my hand on the handle. "I just want you to be happy," she said softly, all seriousness now. "I want you and Edward to work it out. You're my family. Your happiness means a lot to me. Both of you." There was a sorrow in her voice I had never heard before. It made me nervous.

"I know." I sighed as I turned back to face her, leaning on the heavy wood door. "Just…let me figure some of this out, ok? I'm all jumbled right now. I need to think."

She nodded her head in agreement and I quickly fled, the bell ringing just as I slid into my seat. At least I had managed to avoid Edward that morning, though he had told me he planned to return to Forks High. If Alice was there, Jasper surely wasn't far behind. Come to think of it, there hadn't been a yellow Porsche in the parking lot that morning…

I worried all through class about Edward, barely hearing a word the teacher said. It was a good thing I had used my studies as a distraction while Edward had been gone; the last few days, when I had basically been asleep with my eyes open, the teachers had left me be. I knew that was going to run out soon, but for the time being I was taking full advantage. My notebook was filled with aimless scribbles instead of notes, and my mind was a blur.

Jacob hadn't answered my last text, and I hoped it was because he was planning to back off, and not waiting to accost me on my front steps again. I wanted to believe that he wasn't so vindictive or mean that he would go tattling on me to Charlie, but he was hurt and licking his wounds. As badly as I wanted to believe Jacob would continue to be the friend he always had been, I had my doubts.

The thought of Charlie finding out that the Cullens were back from Jacob made my stomach turn. Though I kept putting it off, I knew it was getting to the point where I would have to tell him something. If Jacob carried through with his threat, Charlie would not only know they were back, but also hear about Edward. I was certain Jacob wouldn't spare the details for my father's sake; he would be sure to include Edward taking up where he had left off climbing through my bedroom window. Charlie loved Jacob like family, but even so, he had been none too pleased to find him in my bedroom in the middle of the night. I predicted a full blown rage if he found Edward in Jacob's place.

Yet Jacob's promise he wouldn't so easily give up rang in my ears. I wondered what exactly he had meant by that; surely he wouldn't think making my life harder was going to make me want him more than Edward? Or maybe he just didn't care how I felt about it, as long as it separated me from Edward? I didn't like either answer.

Then there was the matter of Edward himself. Having Edward curl up in my bed with me again had been amazing; it had a sense of security that pieced one more shard of my broken heart back into place. In the light of morning, it had been hard to push back down all of my fears, anxieties and worries as I lay in bed, but maybe it was a step in the right direction.

I knew what I really needed to do was have the terrible conversation with Edward I had been avoiding. I needed to do what I had done with Alice and simply purge myself of the entire story. Getting it out with her had made me feel better, but it was Edward who was the source of my ire. I was bottling it up, too afraid of scaring him off with just how hurt, just how angry I was. I knew the place I had gone to when he had left and I didn't like it. In the back of my mind, I felt pathetic; Edward was always too good for me, and when he left, I should have expected it, prepared for it.

Or maybe I shouldn't have had to. Maybe, I had believed Edward when he said he would stay, even those last few days when I had known something was wrong. Even after Jasper snapped and came lunging at me, earning himself a permanent place on the guilt parade…I had believed Edward.

I spent the morning lost in those thoughts, turning my conversations with both Alice and Edward over and over again. What surprised me the most was Edward's anger, his accusation that I hadn't fought for us that day in the forest. Fought for what? He had point blank told me he was leaving and my entire mind had clamped down. _Leaving? How? Why?_ That was all that had run through my head. I remembered protesting his words, saying "don't" over and over again, but nothing had worked. What did he really want from me? To scream, rant, rave, claw at his shirt until he listened to me? That wasn't the type of girl I was and it never would be. If Edward didn't want to be with me all on his own, I wouldn't force him.

Study hall was well under way when I walked through the door, but no one gave me a second look. Senior privilege dictated I didn't even really need to come to the room, as long as I stayed out of trouble. Study hall was a nice way of just saying free period, but with Forks High being out in the middle of nowhere, and the pouring rain falling on a daily basis, we mostly stuck to the room we were assigned. I had never even considered going elsewhere, except on occasion to run to the pharmacy in town for cough drops.

Except that day. That day, I opened the door and began to walk toward my usual seat against the left wall when I saw him; Edward was sitting two seats over from where I usually sat, looking just a little too pleased with himself for my liking.

I took a deep breath, determined to show him he couldn't rattle me. With one long stare right at him, I turned on my heel and walked back out. I paused only long enough to mutter something to Mr. Banner about needing to hit the pharmacy in town. He merely nodded at me; having taken his biology class the year before, and managing to pull off top grades, getting him for a study hall supervisor had been sheer luck; he questioned nothing I did or said. I had "good kid" stamped on my forehead as far as he was concerned.

Knowing it was likely Edward would follow me, I rushed down the halls, sprinting for the parking lot when I was alone. If I could just make it to the truck, I wouldn't have to talk to him. Sure, he could rip the door right off if he wanted to, but I knew he wouldn't.

"Dammit!" I swore as I burst out the main doors. Edward was sitting on one of the stone benches, rain beading in his hair as he waited patiently. _He must have gone out one of the sides doors._ I mentally cursed myself, wondering how I could be so stupid sometimes. _Why_ _did I think I could actually out run him?_

"Avoiding me?"

"No." He gave me a long pointed look that said he knew I was lying. "Yes. Ok? I am. If you already knew that, why did you follow me?"

"I did not follow you. I was here when you came out the door."

I stared at him incredulously. _Don't push me, Edward Cullen_, I thought darkly, glaring at him. _I am _thisclose_ to having a full blown temper tantrum standing out here in the rain._ All I needed was for Jacob to text me he was able to sit down for a nice chat with Charlie and my morning would be complete.

"You got yourself a free period at the same time as me on purpose."

"Yes."

"What the hell, Edward? Is being a stalker your latest tactic? Because it's not going to work."

"It worked just fine when we first met," he said softly, a hint of amusement in his voice. I was getting thoroughly soaked by that point, still standing out in the rain as I tried to score points in our verbal sparing match.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I snapped back, no longer caring if he knew how annoyed I was. Let him. He was the one who thought it was acceptable to go following me around. So what if I had let him stay over the night before? I had been clear; one night's reprieve, and then we were going back to working through it one day at a time. There wasn't going to be some magical switch-flipping that made everything ok…even if thinking about my dream the night before made my entire body tingle in anticipation of the day things would be fixed between us.

He finally stood from the bench he had been on, stepping closer and closer to me. Warning bells were jangling sharply in my head, but I forced myself to stay exactly where I was. Edward would know by the pounding of my heart how I felt, but I wasn't going to let him see his intimidation work. When he stopped, he was inches from me. The usual hum of electricity between us ignited and it was all I could do to keep from shaking with the strength of it.

"I watched you," he explained, keep his voice low and even. The rain was coming down harder now, and it made me shiver, but not Edward. Edward was all calm, cool and collected per usual. "I watched you from the first time I saw you. When I came back from Denali, I started watching you and never stopped. I snuck in your bedroom night after night and I listened to you talk in your sleep. I listened to you talk about me. And last night…last night you talked about me a whole lot," he ended, his voice having gone low and husky. His eyes were darker than they had been early in the morning, and there was a hunger in them I had rarely seen shown so openly.

The pleasure I felt at Edward's obvious desire for me was stifled by my own embarrassment. _So he knows exactly what I was dreaming about_. I could feel the blush rising in my cheeks before he even finished speaking.

"Bella, you are getting wet," he said softly, interrupting my flurry of thoughts.

"Excuse me?" My face reddened more than I thought possible.

He chuckled lightly, his eyes dancing. "The rain, Bella, the rain. What did you think I meant?" His expression said he knew exactly what I thought he had meant and he was entertained. The conversation was quickly getting out of hand. The way Edward was staring at me…and the words coming out of his mouth…it was too much. I had to find a way to find a semblance of control.

"Fine," I snapped, hoping the snotty tone would cover how I was really feeling. "I'll just go back inside. The rain doesn't bother you. You can stay here." I turned on my heel and marched back toward the building. Storming off would probably have worked out better for me if my sneakers didn't squish with every step.

"I would rather be with you." Edward was suddenly behind me as I reached for the door, his hand above my head to hold it open. He smirked when I shot a dirty look in his direction, but I walked under his arm nonetheless. I set off into the school, intent on finding a fairly empty hallway with an unoccupied heater. My clothes were soaked through; the cold itself was beginning to seep into my skin.

When I found the quiet corner I had been looking for, I dropped my bag to the ground and peeled off the soaked sweatshirt I had been wearing over my T-shirt. I carefully lay it across the heater, which I intended to sit on.

"Allow me." Without warning, he was right behind me again. His fingers curled tightly around my hips, lingering as he moved me effortlessly. In one light movement, he sat me on the heater before stepping away. His touch lingered only seconds longer than necessary, but my face flushed from the contact…and the realization that the heater was the perfect height for more than drying my sodden clothes. I became all too conscious of how my damp T-shirt was clinging to my skin, wishing I had just stayed in study hall and ignored him. Instead we were alone in a secluded part of the school, and if my shirt had been white instead of blue, it would have been wet T-shirt contest material.

"You are so beautiful," he murmured, maintaining the careful distance I had requested between our bodies. His eyes were another story; they were roaming ravenously across my entire body. "I wish you could see how you look right now."

"Like a drowned rat?"

"Hardly." Our eyes met and his were smoldering. "You are more tempting right now than I think you have ever been."

"Yeah, well." I was at a loss for anything else to say. He took a step closer and I shot him a warning look, folding my arms self consciously across my chest. "What do you want, Edward? Why are you following me?" If hiding behind being a bitch was going to keep me from letting my hormones take over, then that was the route I was going to take.

The desire on his face was gone instantly, replaced with the sorrowful longing I had grown accustomed to. He didn't say anything for a long moment, but then brought his gaze back to mine. "We have to talk, Bella. We cannot go on…like this."

"I know that. I just…at school?"

"Well, no, it does not have to be. But I feel like you keep putting this off. And I really want us to be ok; I want to be able to kiss you whenever I want again." He sighed heavily, coming to stand next to me, not one inch of his skin touching mine. Not that it made a difference. The constant hum of electricity was enough that I could feel him standing there.

"What if no matter how much we talk about it, I don't hurt any less?"

He shrugged, which set the rage simmering until he spoke. "Bella…I want you to be whole, to not hurt. But I am telling you right now, I love every piece of you, no matter what condition it is in."

"What if a part of me can't let go of how angry you make me sometimes?"

To my surprise, a grin appeared on his face, a low chuckle it. "Bella, I think Emmett pisses Rose off every day. I think he has done so for the last seventy odd years." He turned serious again as he brought his eyes to mine. "What I need from you is forgiveness. I am not asking you to forget it happened; I know you cannot. You should not."

I let a tiny smile grace my features as he spoke before I fell silent. I didn't know how to answer him. I was still working on that question myself; was forgiving Edward, truly forgiving him, a possibility? I loved him, that I knew, and somewhere deep down I still trusted him. I was terrified of him leaving again, of having spent our short time together worrying about rights and wrongs instead of just being before he ran off again.

"Come over tonight. Late," I tacked on, trying to ignore the way my heart began to race at the thought of Edward in my bedroom again. It probably wasn't the best idea, but I was fresh out of others. "I have…I have to talk to Charlie. I need to tell him you're back before…before he hears it from someone else. It's probably going to end poorly."

"If I were your father, I do not think I would like me either." He sighed and leaned back against the wall, inching closer to me. "Bella…I want to ask you something. But I do not want to make you angry. I like that we are having a conversation for once instead of a fight."

"Ok…?" I turned to face him, angling myself against the wall, the heater still doing its best to dry my clothes. The new angle was awkward and uncomfortable, but I needed to try and get a read on his expression. What I saw made me nervous; Edward was all tension and apprehension again.

"Just do not yell at me, ok?" I nodded, curious what he could possibly be thinking about that was so troublesome. "This morning…in the parking lot, I saw…I saw you on your phone. You looked…upset. Who were you talking to?"

_How did he even see that?_ I wondered, turning back away from him. I didn't want to be looking him in the eye for this answer. I remembered Angela coming up to me, and the usual crowd of milling students, but no Volvo and certainly no Edward.

I debated not telling him it was Jacob, but in the end decided hiding it wouldn't do any good. While on the one hand, I wanted to tell him it was absolutely none of his business who I was talking to, it was just as easy to answer him. I could only hide behind my anger for so long.

"It was Jacob," I said quietly, forcing myself to meet his gaze head on. "He knows you were over last night. He's mad."

Edward's expression shifted as I spoke, starting with a hint of annoyance and bursting into full blown rage by the time I finished speaking. A low growl escaped his throat and he pushed himself from the wall, pacing at furious speed in front of me.

"Please stop."

He stopped as only Edward could – instantly – and froze into a statue. He took a moment to compose himself, and when he turned back to me, he was doing a better job of hiding his ire. A little.

"What did he want?" His voice shook with the effort of keeping it mostly level. I had rarely seen Edward angry, but it was frightening. I had been too out of it in Phoenix to be aware of the blinding rage Alice had told me he went into, but I was sure this was getting close. Edward looked like the predator he always tried to warn me he was; fierce and ruthless.

What I didn't understand was why he was getting so upset. I got that Jacob was far from Edward's favorite person, but it was just a few texts. It certainly wasn't worth the murderous look he had in his eyes.

"He didn't _want_ anything," I shot back, glaring at him as he resumed his pacing. "I told you, he's just mad. And I don't blame him."

"What right does he have to be mad? You do not belong to him."

"I don't belong to you either."

That stopped him. He turned back to me, his expression pained for a moment before it slipped back into a mask of calm. "I belong to you," was all he said. He sighed heavily, as if the words marked some kind of defeat. His entire body molded into surrender as he crossed the space between us and leaned close. "Not just my heart Bella. My soul belongs to you. Every last piece of me is yours."

Lacking anything intelligent to say, I said nothing. I leaned my head back against the wall and sighed, letting my eyes slide closed. The heater was lulling me into an artificial state of calm, warmth spreading through my entire body. I knew Edward meant every word he said, and I knew my words had cut deep. Maybe once I had belonged to Edward, maybe one day I would again, but I was in no state to belong to anyone that morning. It was true I couldn't blame Jacob for being upset – I had gone from being his girlfriend to being something else with my ex in the span of forty eight hours – but Edward's possessive behavior was grating on me. They were both grating on me.

When I finally opened my eyes, Edward was staring unabashedly, studying me. Without an audience, he had fallen back into his inhuman tendencies; instead of leaning against the wall, he was standing exactly as he had been, perfectly motionless. I couldn't tell if he was even breathing. His scrutiny made me flush scarlet, which served only to direct his stare elsewhere.

"The bell is going to ring soon." His gaze shifted back to my eyes. In the last few moments, he had put his own set of walls up, his expression unreadable. "I am serious Bella. We need to talk about this. I do not want to keep…doing this."

I nodded, sliding off the heater. My pants and shirt were mostly dry, but the thick sweatshirt was still damp. Edward snatched it out my grasp before I could shove it in my bag and was gone. _What the hell?_ I wondered, glancing around. _Where is he going?_

Edward was back in seconds, fresh rain beading in his unruly hair. In his hands, he had a soft black fleece that smelled deliciously of him. "Here," he offered, holding the coat out between us like an olive branch, "You will freeze the rest of today without the sweatshirt. This is dry. It was in my trunk from our last hunting trip."

When I hesitated taking the jacket, he sighed and moved to stand near me, holding it open. I wanted to be stubborn, to say I would be fine, to say I was certainly not going to walk around school the rest of the day wearing his clothes, but I was already freezing. I stepped into the jacket, shoving my arms through the too-long sleeves, and was enveloped in the scent of Edward.

I opened my mouth to protest, but when he did nothing more than hold me against him, I didn't bother. Being in Edward's arms like that, leaning back against him, was so simply perfect I couldn't ruin it. His arms tightened around me, drawing me closer, as he bent his head to my ear. "I will see you tonight, love," he whispered, his cool breath sending goosebumps down my spine. The bell rang and he was gone.

Chapter title taken from an Incubus song


	12. miniature disasters, minor catastrophes

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

12. miniature disasters, minor catastrophes

Edward's reappearance at Forks High made the rest of the day especially awkward. It was like my first day all over again; everyone stared and whispered when they thought I wasn't looking. They did it to Edward too, and to some extent Alice and Jasper, but the Cullens had always been somewhat removed from the rest of the school. No one was brave enough to question them directly about their sudden reappearance. Instead they stared at me with the questions all over their faces they were too afraid to ask aloud. I spent the afternoon with a near permanent flush on my cheeks.

The obvious exception was Jessica. Though I had been lucky enough to miss her in the morning, she cornered me in the afternoon, face alight. _Oh, no_, I mentally groaned as she rushed after me. _This is going to be awful._

"Bella!" she squealed, virtually bouncing up and down. "Bella, you didn't tell me the Cullens were coming back! Are you still with Jacob? Are you and Edward getting back together? Have you been with him this whole time? No, you probably haven't. I mean, if you had, you wouldn't have had that complete mental breakdown, right? I mean, c'mon, Bella, you were a complete mess. But now he's back! What are you going to do about homecoming? Are you still going with Jake? Or are you going to go with Edward instead? And your birthday is this weekend! Who are you going to spend it with? Is Edward-"

"Jess!" _At least she looks just a tad ashamed of herself_, I thought as I cut her off. "I didn't know he was coming back until last night, ok?"

"Uh huh." She was eyeing me with a skeptical glance that I knew meant she wasn't through yet. "But now he is! What about Jake? Does Jake know he's back?"

"Yes." _Do not stab Jessica with your keys_, I reminded myself, grinding my teeth together to keep my temper in check. Jessica didn't mean to drag up the internal angst her words were causing; she just didn't know when to mind her own business. I would just have to force myself to remember that.

"And?!"

I took a deep breath, wondering how to handle her questions. I could tell her Jacob and I had broken up. The entire school would know before classes began the next day. Or I could tell her Jacob and I had yet to talk about it, which was a lie. I could tell her I simply didn't know, which was half the truth, but she wouldn't accept that. _The girl should be a prosecutor when she grows up_, I thought wearily as I prepared to answer. _She catches the scent of something and just pushes and pushes until she finds what she's looking for._

I didn't get the chance to speak. "Bella…" she said softly, her eyes going wide. _Oh_ _no, what now?_ I panicked, watching her expression. She was suddenly grinning at me like the cat who caught the canary. "That's not your jacket, is it?"

"No."

"Is it Jake's?"

"No."

"Well then silly, whose is it?"

I glared at her, resenting the forced confession I was about to make. Lying to her about it was only going to make it worse. "It's Edward's," I finally admitted, pulling the fleece more tightly around me. Glancing down at the tiny logo on the left breast, I forced myself to laugh. "C'mon, Jess, do you think Jacob would own anything North Face?"

"And just when did Edward go lending you his clothes? What were _you_ doing during your free period?" She wiggled her eyebrows at me suggestively. Over her shoulder, I saw Mike approaching us, a wary expression on his face. Over the summer, the on and off relationship he had had for years with Jessica had gone back to on, though it certainly wasn't always a smooth ride. The look on Mike's face made me wonder if they were having another of their spats.

"I talked to him during free period, Jess. My sweatshirt was soaked from the rain so he lent me his coat. No big deal."

"No big deal?!" Jessica's eyes were so wide it was a wonder they didn't pop right out of her head. "How did your sweatshirt get soaked? Were you out in the rain? Did you kiss? Oh my god, that's so romantic, kissing in the rain and then he gave you his jacket and…"

"Who was Bella kissing in the rain?" Mike asked, having finally reached us. He slung one arm around Jessica's waist and tugged her closer to him. He glanced up at the dark sky, which for once was keeping the rain to itself. "Jake skip class today to sneak up here?"

"No! She was kissing _Edward_," Jessica replied with glee. I half expected her to clap her hands together in her excitement. "Isn't that just so romantic?"

Mike's eyes fell on me full of questions. "Jess, shut up. I was not kissing Edward in the rain. We sort of got into an argument, actually. Listen, it's no big deal. He's back, and I'm dealing and so is Jake. I'm working on tomorrow, not homecoming three weeks from now, ok?"

"But-"

"How is homecoming going by the way?" Mike cut in, turning Jessica's attention back to him. "Are you still having trouble with the decorations? I can probably get some of the guys from the team to help you out hanging stuff."

"Oh, yeah, that'd be great! Do you want to come over? I can show you our ideas. And maybe something else…" She let her voice trail off suggestively and I forced my grimace down. The thought of what Jessica had planned made me a tad nauseous…and incredibly jealous. I wanted nothing more than to be going home with Edward for an afternoon make out session, but that wasn't in the cards anytime soon. Mike directed her toward her car and I mouthed a quick 'thank you' over her shoulder. He smiled and nodded before leaning down to whisper in her ear. Jessica flushed bright red and picked up the pace, rushing toward her car with just a little more purpose.

_Sometimes, I wish it was that easy_, I thought as I pulled myself up into the truck. _Sometimes, I wish that I could just be a silly teenage girl who was easily distracted by her hormones and normal boyfriend._ Jessica was more than a little excited about being on the decorations committee for homecoming, and most likely a shoo-in for Homecoming Queen. Mike would be the king and they would dance in front of the entire school, the perfect couple. That would never be me, and most days, I was ok with that. But on that afternoon, the sting of Jessica's easy joy paired against my sense of hopelessness was making me wish for something different.

I drove home slowly, dreading what my afternoon would bring. After my conversation with Edward, and Jacob's threatening text messages that morning, I had promised myself a talk with Charlie. I had no intention of giving him the whole story, but at least he would know the Cullens were back. I would ease him into spending time with Edward. _He's always liked Alice_, I reminded myself as I pulled into the driveway, _maybe I can just start with her_.

Glancing around to ensure I was really alone, I let myself into the house and went immediately to my bedroom. Thankfully, no one was lurking there either. A part of me had been terrified Jacob or Edward or both would be waiting for me in the driveway, or worse yet, in my bedroom. I sank down on the edge of my bed, pulling Edward's fleece more tightly around me. Though I had been wearing it all day, it still smelled deliciously of him.

"What the hell am I going to tell Charlie?" I mumbled to myself, flopping back on the mattress. I had no idea how to even bring the topic up. _So, Dad, um, Edward Cullen was in school today. And look, I'm not having a mental breakdown, so it's all good. Ok, great, glad we had this talk!_

_Yeah, that's not going to work even a little. This is ridiculous!_ I ranted silently, squeezing my eyes shut. I wanted Charlie to just be ok with it, and I was worried he really wouldn't be. I knew the accusations would come, and I knew the questions about Jacob would quickly follow. _Maybe I should just tell him Jake and I broke up for now_, I thought, imaging his reaction. Undoubtedly, telling him both together would just make him blame Edward for what had happened with Jake and hate him even more. Not telling him both at once would make it seem like I was hiding something. I didn't see a way to win.

My phone buzzed in my pocket as I mulled the situation over. Trying to keep the dread from taking over, I flipped the phone open. _Jacob. Perfect._

**I need to talk to you. Without him lurking around****. **

I sighed, glancing around my room again. I was next to certain Edward was not close by, but I couldn't be sure. Remembering what Jacob had told me about the treaty, I knew the only place we could really talk without being overheard was on the reservation. It also meant putting myself on Jacob's turf. I didn't like the position it put me in, but at the same time, I would have an escape plan. It would be a lot easier for me to leave than to kick him out of my house if he didn't have anything to say I wanted to hear.

Wondering just what I was getting myself into, I typed a quick reply and shoved my sneakers back on my feet. The truck was still warm as I slid back into the driver's seat and tugged the fleece around me. Wearing Edward's jacket was not likely to win me any points with Jacob, but I was beyond caring as I got on the highway leading out to the reservation. I was cold, the jacket was warm, end of story.

Jacob was waiting for me on his front steps, clad only in a pair of cut off sweats and a tank top. He looked exhausted when he stood to greet me, a slump in his shoulders I didn't like.

I got out of the truck, gnawing my bottom lip nervously. I had no idea how I was allowed to act around Jacob now. He looked horrible; all I wanted to do was throw my arms around him and say it would be fine. But I couldn't. I knew that was a new line I wasn't allowed to cross, and instead of helping him, it would only make things worse. I stopped a few feet away from him, my hands hanging awkwardly at my sides.

"Hi," I said softly, forcing myself to look him in the eye. I had dealt with Edward already today; I was going to force myself to deal with Jacob.

"Hi." He studied me carefully, closing the gap between us with a few short steps. "Back to wearing his clothes again already?"

"Jacob," I warned, taking a step back from him. It was obvious the calm exterior was a front to a lot of anger and pain. I wasn't afraid of him hurting me, but Jacob's words could cut deep. I knew what I would face at home with Charlie that evening, and I could only take so much in one day. Not to mention, I had promised Edward we would chat that night as well.

"Sorry," he mumbled, back away. He fell into one of the chairs on Billy's deck and patted the one next to him. "Really, Bella, I'm sorry. Do you want to sit? I'll behave."

I nodded, taking a deep breath before sinking into the chair next to him. "I'm going to tell Charlie about the Cullens tonight," I began quietly, fighting the urge to fidget in my seat. "You had a shit way of saying it, but you're right. He deserves to know."

Jacob opened his mouth as if he were going to speak, but then said nothing. Instead his eyes gazed off into the forest surrounding the deck, his expression thoughtful. We were silent for a long time, the drizzle beginning to fall again.

"Jake, you said you needed to talk to me," I finally sighed. "What do you need to talk to me about that was so important?"

"I want you to make me a promise."

"I don't care much for promises these days."

"Well you should care about this one. You should care about me," he snapped back bitterly. He jumped up from his seat, suddenly towering over me. "You owe me that much."

I started to form a sharp retort but decided against it. _He's hurt_, I reminded myself, the pain in his eyes eating away at me as I met his gaze. _He's hurt and he doesn't like this one bit._ "Fine," I finally replied instead, digging my finger nails into my palms. "What do you want Jake?"

"You need to be careful, Bella. You're reckless with him. You make stupid decisions."

"They're my decisions to make, Jacob. Not yours."

"What about Charlie?" he demanded as he leaned back against the railing in front of me. His stare fixed on my face and I suddenly felt ashamed. It wasn't fair what he was doing, and a part of me knew that, but he had found the chink in my armor. Charlie's pain had gotten through to me more than my own after Edward had left; I had forced myself back into the land of the living for his sake much more than for my own.

I chose my words carefully when I spoke again. "Jake, I love my father. Don't you dare imply I don't. But what I tell him, and when I tell it to him, is _my_ business, not yours. Don't you even _think_ about threatening me again like you did this morning. I know you're upset with me, and I'm sorry Jake. I'm sorry for all of it. I'm sorry I can't love you back the way you love me." Tears were pricking at my eyes by the time I finished, the last words coming out as a choked whisper.

"Why, Bella? That's what I want to know. Why? Why did you ever tell me you loved me? Do you have any idea how this feels? You told me you loved me. You told me it over and over. Were you lying? How can you just throw it all away, Bella? How can you come here, _reeking_ of him, and tell me you're sorry?"

"I wasn't lying!" I protested, jumping to my feet to stand. It felt just a little too much like a lecture with him standing above me. "Jake…I do love you. It's just…it's not the same. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry a million times over it's not the same for us. You are my best friend. Edward…Edward is a part of me."

"I'm your best friend?" He laughed incredulously, bitterness oozing from every syllable. "You've got some funny ideas about friendship."

I squeezed my fingernails tighter into my palm, reaching for the strength to keep my tone even. I wanted nothing more than to just let go of the tenuous hold I had on my temper and let Jacob have it. He knew what he was getting into the first time he kissed me. What had he really thought would happen if Edward were to return? I couldn't help myself when it came to Edward; the pull was much too strong. Maybe it made me an awful person, but I knew deep down that even if it had been years, even if Jacob and I had been married with the kids and the house and the dog…if Edward had turned back up, Jacob and I would have been done.

"Jacob, is this all you wanted? To hurl insults at me? I've got two more conversations I really, really don't want to have today waiting for me back at home. If you're through, I'm going home to prepare myself for those."

"He's coming over again tonight?"

"Yes."

"You're telling me two nights in a row you're going to let the leach back in your bedroom? You're telling me that between that and you parading around in his jacket, nothing is going on? That nothing happened? You're a shitty liar, Bella."

"We have kissed exactly once. Not that it's any bit of your business, but I have expressly told him not to kiss me again. I slapped him when he did the first time. That should make you happy. I even have the proof." I shoved my bruised hand right up to his nose, demanding his attention. "So don't get all up on your high horse to me, Jacob Black. I have not, and I will not, just go throwing myself back into Edward's arms. I know better. You're right. I'm not stupid." I took a deep breath, fighting for calm. "We broke up because I know with Edward here, I am incapable of pretending I'm not still completely in love with him. What do you want, Jacob? Do you want me to be with you, knowing I'm still in love with him? That I see him every day at school? Did you want us to stay together while I figured out how to trust Edward with my heart again? You accused me of using you as a place holder, and you're right. I did. I didn't mean to, and I'm not sure that makes it any easier for you. Or for me. But I did. And I'm trying to make it right, Jake, I really am, but it's like you want to make this as hard for me as you can."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Was I supposed to make it easy for you to treat your _best friend_ like last week's garbage?"

"Fuck you." I shoved by him, half blinded by tears. I heard him calling after me, but I didn't care. I threw myself into the truck, slamming the locks shut in case Jacob came after me. Shoving the keys in the ignition, I left Jacob's house fast enough to make a Cullen proud. I had gone there to make peace, to try and find some semblance of our friendship, but all I had done was make it worse. Or Jacob had. I didn't even care which of us had done it, but I knew it was worse. _Now how I can fix it?_ I thought miserably as I arrived back at my house. Charlie's cruiser was still missing, which made me a feel a little better. I needed time for my eyes to dry, the redness to fade, and my temper to cool. Charlie was not going to react well to my news, and I needed to avoid a repeat episode with him of my conversation with Jacob. Jacob would get over it – eventually. Charlie I wasn't so sure about. This was a man who was still holding onto a wife nearly twenty years gone; his only daughter's wellbeing was certain to be a sticky topic.

I knew cooking one of Charlie's favorite meals was a good way to butter him up, but I also knew it would make him suspicious. He had heard me screaming in my dreams again, and he had easily picked up on my tension with Jacob. The last thing I needed was for Charlie to sit down with his guard already up. In the end, I settled on simple. I was already exhausted and the thought of a complicated meal made my eyes droop all the more. Instead I set a pot of water to boil, grabbed a box of pasta from the cabinet and a jar of pre-made alfredo sauce. While the pasta cooked, I chopped some leftover grilled chicken from the fridge into bite-sized pieces. By the time Charlie was walking through the door, I was mixing it all together with the jar of sauce and some fresh tomato. Easy.

"Smells good," he commented as he came through the kitchen. Looking exhausted, he plopped himself into his customary chair while I spooned out pasta. Taking a quick inventory of his stressed expression, I added a beer to his place before grabbing my own dinner. _Maybe the beer will calm him down,_ I thought hopefully, wishing I could chug down a beer myself. There had been plenty of kids in Phoenix with fake IDs and parties galore, but it had never been my thing. I had a feeling that was going to change soon. Watching Charlie visibly relax as he ate his dinner and drank his beer, I wondered about getting my hands on some sort of alcoholic beverage. I knew from Jessica that Mike had spiked the punch at last year's homecoming dance; maybe I would attend the party after all. Maybe one night of being a typically delinquent teenager in a small town would make it easier.

"No Jake tonight?" Charlie asked, breaking into my thoughts. He had inhaled his dinner and was standing to fill his bowl once again; I was still picking my way through the first half of mine.

"No," I said slowly, focusing my eyes back on my dinner. My hair slid forward over my shoulders, offering me some form of protection from Charlie's careful stare. He had started paying a lot more attention to me after Edward had left; I was afraid if he got one look at my face it would be all over. "No, Dad, Jake is um…well, he's not going to be around as much."

"Did you have a fight?"

_Something like that_. "No, Dad, we broke up," I blurted out, too afraid to look at him. My face flushed bright red in embarrassment. Even though it was Jacob, it still felt awkward to talk boys with my father.

"Oh." Now he sounded embarrassed too. "Well I'm sure you kids will work it out."

"No, Dad, I don't think so." I dropped my fork against my bowl with a clatter, shoving back from the table. _Just tell him before you lose your nerve_, I told myself, taking a deep breath. _Just get it all out_. "Dad, the Cullens came back. Edward was in school today."

"You stay away from him," he ordered darkly, tension reappearing in his shoulders, his jaw set. "Do you hear me, Isabella? That boy is trouble. I won't have you seeing him again." He studied me for a long moment, his dinner completely forgotten as his hands fell into his lap. "Did Jacob break up with you because the Cullen boy came back?"

"No. I broke up with him," I whispered. "Dad, Edward…Edward isn't what you think, ok? And no," I cut him off as he started to speak again, "No, we're not back together. I just…I couldn't be with Jake anymore. Not with Edward here."

"I don't like it."

"You don't have to," I said softly, getting up from the table. I had to get away from my father before our conversation erupted into an argument. It was taking everything I had not to tell him I would see Edward if I wanted to; I would be eighteen in a few short days. My father ranked right up there on the importance list with Edward and Jacob, but I knew my priorities.

He looked like he wanted to argue with me further, but said nothing. The expression on his face said enough. I knew the first time I brought Edward over, it was going to be an uphill battle. _Telling Jacob to go fuck himself may not have been my best idea,_ I thought as I hurried up the stairs. _I just pissed him off more. If he really wants an excuse to get me in trouble with Charlie, I just handed him one on a silver platter._

In an attempt to clear my mind of my day, I set about cleaning up my bedroom. Edward had been there the night before and seen the mess, but I didn't care. I carefully made the bed, put away my clothes and reorganized my desk. Not wanting him to know how I had clung to it, I took off Edward's jacket and threw it across the back of my desk chair. With my bedroom cleaned, I considered what to do with myself until Edward came over. I eyed my stereo, wondering if maybe I could finally listen to music without hurting.

Classical music was out of the question. I leaned over the stereo, eyeing the pile of CDs there, using my sleeve to wipe the dust from them. I needed something to take my mind off the day, something that wouldn't make me cry.

Edward had rearranged my CDs one lazy afternoon over a year ago, and I hadn't touched them since. Now that they were by genre, it made it a little easier for me to pick something harmless. I reached into the pile Edward had dubbed emo-rock with a small smile and a shake of my head. Coming from Edward, calling anything emo seemed ridiculous. All he needed to do to fit in with the rest of them was to slap on some guyliner and skinny jeans.

Without checking to see what I had picked, I shoved the CD in and sat back down on my floor with my laptop. Taking Back Sunday began to play. "If you would only listen," I sang along with the opening lines, waiting for the computer to finish loading.

I surfed the net for a while, singing along on occasion. I knew I was completely tone deaf, and I would never be caught singing around any kind of audience, but in the privacy of my own room it was different. Growing bored quickly with the computer, I gave up on it and reached for my calculus homework. No matter how much effort I had put into the class while Edward had been gone, math and I were still not the greatest of friends.

The song changed as I opened my notebook and I cringed. "A long night spent with your most obvious weakness, you start shaking at the thought…" Maybe listening to music hadn't been my best idea. Maybe I should have stuck to classical music without lyrics. "And we lay, we lay together, just not too close, not too close…I just wanna break you down so badly…"

I shot up from the floor, slamming my hand down against the CD player. Music was definitely a bad idea. The song was hitting just a little too close to home for me. Edward was definitely my most obvious weakness. In the sudden silence my thoughts came rushing back.

Maybe that was my problem. Edward had broken me, whether he had meant to or not. A part of me was still angry at myself for that, and at him. I had let myself get to a place where he could shatter me with a few words, and he had done it. A part of me wanted to break him like he had broken me; it was a vindictive, vicious feeling I wasn't used to.

"This isn't helping at all," I muttered to myself, turning the stereo back off. I needed to distract myself somehow. I wished I was athletic; Jessica told me she went for runs when she needed to unwind.

_Though maybe that isn't such a bad idea._ I would have to concentrate so hard on not falling flat on my face that it would leave me no time to think about Edward, or Charlie, or Jacob. Most people ran with music, but I knew that was out of the question. Instead I quickly changed into sweats and a T-shirt, shoving my old gym sneakers on my feet.

"I'm going for a walk," I called to Charlie from the front door. I knew he would never believe me if I told him I was going to attempt going for a run. He stuck his head out from behind the wall, studying me carefully for a long moment, but I knew my appearance backed up my story. I hand a bottle of water in one hand, my hair piled messily atop my head, and no car keys. He nodded, apparently satisfied before returning to SportsCenter.

The rain had stopped once again, a cool mist filling the air in its place. That was fine. With any luck, I would get a good sweat going and be warm quickly. Part of me thought maybe I should worry about Victoria as I went charging off into the night alone, but I knew I was safe. He might be angry but Jacob would never lift the watch he had set on me. Never mind that with Edward back, I had a feeling there was a Cullen out there somewhere.

I stretched against the porch for a few minutes, the deep silence of the night soothing. I took a left out of the driveway, heading away from town. I didn't need any of my friends or their parents to witness me falling flat on my face. _One foot in front of the other,_ I reminded myself as I broke into a jog. _You'll be fine. Easy peesy._

It wasn't long before my breathing became labored, a thin layer of sweat coating my skin. I wasn't completely out of shape, but it had been a long time since I had done anything really physical. Dance had kept me in shape back in Phoenix, even if I was so clumsy they always put me in the back row for shows. Plus there had been a pool in the backyard and swimming was a fairly safe sport for me. Minus the risk of drowning it would have been very difficult for me to hurt myself, plus it was a solo activity. Even before I was the new kid in a small town, I had never had a particular large group of friends.

Forks was sorely lacking in both dance studios and pools.

I pushed myself harder, forcing the air rhythmically in and out of my lungs. Counting beats of breaths and steps, I lost myself in the easy rhythm of feet against pavement, the growing darkness increasing the welcome sensation of solitude.

By the time I dragged myself back up Charlie's stairs, I was covered in sweat, my T-shirt clinging to me and my hair hanging in strands. He took one quick look at me before going back to his game; it would be impossible to accuse me of doing much else aside from running.

I paused long enough in the kitchen only to refill my water bottle before rushing up the stairs. I had to get out of the sweaty clothes and into the shower. Charlie would be going to bed soon and then Edward would be over. I was fairly certain I should at least be clean for that.

Peeling off my shirt, I shoved my bedroom door open with my shoulder, kicking off my sneakers as I went. I was reaching for the waistband of my pants when he grabbed my shoulders, pushing me back against the door. "What the hell were you doing out there in the dark by yourself?" Edward demanded, his face inches from mine. His usually warm eyes were black with anger, his typically calm exterior anything but.

I shook his hands off, suddenly very self conscious with only a sports bra on. It was more of me than Edward had ever seen before. He seemed to notice my state of undress at the same time, looking away quickly. There was a towel draped across the rocking chair in the corner and I grabbed it, tightly winding it around myself.

"I went for a run Edward. You should have been able to see that, following me around like I assume you were," I snapped. I clutched the towel tighter around myself, the calm I had found on my run completely gone. "What are you even doing here? I told you late. It's barely eight thirty."

"I was not going to come in. I was…watching. And then you took off and I was worried."

"People go for runs, Edward." I shook my head at him, heading back to the door. "I need to take a shower. Ya know, run, sweat, all that. Just…be quiet." He nodded and I grabbed a second towel for my hair before rushing into the bathroom.

My face was bright scarlet when I got into the bathroom, whether from the run or the embarrassment of Edward seeing me without a shirt, I wasn't sure. "Perfect," I muttered to myself, ripping a brush through my tangled hair while I waited for the water to warm up. "Just fucking perfect."

My shower was longer than usual. I wanted Charlie to believe I was doing everything I could to relax, runs and long showers included. I also wanted to avoid Edward. But as the water began to run cold, I knew I had to face him.

In my haste to get out of my bedroom, I had only grabbed the towels, not clothes to put back on after my shower. _This night is getting worse and worse._ I could feel the heat rising as I stepped back across the hall, pausing at the door. "I forgot clothes. Close your eyes," I whispered, knowing he would hear me. I could see the lights were off downstairs, so Charlie had gone to bed while I was in the shower. That was good.

When I walked in, I almost had to laugh. Edward was standing in the corner of my room, his face to the wall. He looked like a little boy being scolded. I dressed quickly, pulling out a clean T-shirt and sweat pants. I didn't even want to look at the silk short sets Alice had insisted on buying me on our shopping adventure.

"You can look," I finally said quietly, sinking down on the edge of my bed. "I'm decent."

He chuckled as he turned, his eyes sweeping over me. "You are never decent."

I flushed at his words, my arms folded self-consciously around myself. He moved slowly, giving me the opportunity to tell him to go away, but I let him settle next to me on the bed. It didn't seem right to banish him to the chair after I had spent the night before snuggled in his arms.

"When did you take up running?"

"Tonight." I took a deep breath, turning to face him. "Jess said it helps her when she's stressed. Figured I would give it a try."

"Did it work?"

"Up until I came back here, yeah." The blush came rushing back to my cheeks when I looked up at him; it was obvious he was reliving the same moment by the darkness of his gaze. He started to move closer to me before suddenly flinging himself away, settling again in the rocking chair.

"Sorry," he whispered, his hands settling on his knees. His knuckles were whiter than usual as he gripped his legs. "Bella…I…I am sorry."

I nodded, drawing my legs up against my chest and taking a deep breath. "Alright, Edward, listen I've already been accosted today by Alice. And Jessica. I got into it with Jacob. And then with my father. So whatever it is you think we need to talk about so badly tonight, lay it on me."

"We do not have to if you do not want to."

"I think I'd rather just get it over with."

He winced at my blunt words, but then nodded. He took a deep breath, then turned to me with a serious expression. "I talked to Alice. And…she thinks I need to hear the whole story. From you. So that is what I want, Bella. I want you to tell me everything that has happened in the last year." He swallowed thickly, a flicker of fear flashing across his face. "Everything, Bella."

"Are you sure?" He nodded and I sighed. I had known this was coming, but it didn't make me any more willing to begin. I knew once I started it would be much like it had been with Alice and the words would just come pouring out, but finding a starting point was difficult.

"Ok," I began, smoothing the comforter around me. My palms were sweating, my heart racing. I didn't want to do this. "Where, um…where should I start?"

"The woods," he answered instantly, the flicker of pain returning. "I…I want to know what…what you thought. Why you just…gave up. Why, after everything we had been through, you believed a word I said…"

I stared at him incredulously, fighting the urge to tell him to get out. Edward wanted to make things better between us, but this is how he wanted to start the conversation? I was fuming as I glared at him. "How could you say those things to me after everything we had been through?" I snapped back, wishing I could inflict some kind of physical pain on him. _Maybe if I want Emmett bad enough, Alice will have one of her visions and send him. Yeah, that's it. I envision Emmett punching Edward and Alice helps me out. _

"I lied Bella. It was terrible of me and I know this and I am sorry. I have told you. I was trying to protect you!" He sounded exasperated which only annoyed me further.

"So that makes it ok?"

"No Bella, it does not." He ran his hands through his hair, frustration obvious in his entire demeanor. "I did not ask you to make you mad, ok? I just…I need to hear your side of it. Call me an asshole if it makes you feel better, do whatever you need to do. I just want to fix us."

"You can start by not patronizing me!"

"I am not…Jesus Christ…" he mumbled, his head in his hands. His fingers were clutched tightly around his cheeks, in his hair, around his temples. He looked like a tension wire about to snap. When he looked back up, his eyes were full of pleading. "Please, Bella, just…just tell me, ok?"

I opened my mouth to shoot off a quick retort, but the words died on my lips. Edward was gazing at me with such emotion on his face, my resolve faltered. I had played the bitch card and it wasn't getting me anywhere. I finally nodded and began a conversation that went well into the night.

Chapter title = KT Tunstall


	13. skin has gotten thicker but it burns the

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

13. skin has gotten thicker but it burns the same

Each and every one of Bella's words that night cut with a sharpness no blade had ever known. I forced myself to remain stoic, to keep from interrupting her as much as possible as the pain poured forth, and choked it all down. I had asked Bella to tell me everything and for once in her life, she had listened to me.

There were details I did not want to know, not truly. She did exactly as I had asked, beginning with the forest. Seen through Bella's eyes, the guilt rose tenfold. I knew at the time I had been hurting her, but I had convinced myself it was for the best. I had also convinced myself she took it far too easily, but now I realized what those few pleas had represented: hopelessness. Listening to the pain in her voice, watching tear after tear slip down her porcelain cheeks, I knew Alice had been right. I was an idiot. And a fool. And a whole host of other things.

I thought nothing could be worse than listening to the details of the moment her heart shattered. I was wrong. Listening to her recall how Jacob Black had pieced her back together was far worse. "I might as well have been dead, Edward," she said, her words catching in her throat. "Months went by. I couldn't tell you one thing that happened. I don't know what we did for Christmas, or New Year's. I don't remember snow. I don't remember entire months of my life."

She held nothing back, though at times her voice had a twinge of guilt to it. _Do not feel guilty_, I had thought as her story went on and on. _This is my fault entirely. I could have stopped this. I did not._

"Jacob brought me back to life. I didn't mean to be with him, it just…happened. I know people say that all the time and it's such bullshit, but this time, this time it was real. When I jumped off that cliff…"

"Why did you do that?" I had been so careful not to interrupt, but I had to know. I remembered the panic in Alice's voice when she had called me, the shrill panic drowning out the noise of Rio. I remembered her words, saying Bella had jumped off a cliff into hurricane-churned waters…and there was no future beyond that. I remembered my own panic, rushing to call the house, to make sure it was not true. I remembered wanting nothing more than to be on the next flight to Forks, but knowing from South America it would be a lot faster to get an answer on the phone. I remembered the way my heart had at once sank – and flown – at hearing Bella's voice on the other end of the line. She was alive. Alice was wrong.

Her face flushed scarlet, shame weaving into her words. "I don't even know." The stuttering of her heart told me it was a lie. She knew why. She did not want to tell me.

"Were you…were you trying to…"

"No!" she protested, her head jerking up with a start. "No, Edward, no. I just…Jacob and his friends do it for fun. I didn't think the water would be that rough. Or cold. Or far down…" Her voice got a far away tone to it, her eyes lost in the memory. She shuddered suddenly, coming back to the present. "Jacob pulled me out of the water."

"I called that day."

"I know." Her answer shocked me. I had known she had suspected – the memory of her begging me to speak as I held my breath across the line slammed into me – but I had never thought she was certain.

"Alice told you?" I guessed.

"Yes. But I already knew before that." She took a deep breath, her eyes focusing on the carpet. I knew it meant something big was coming. If Bella played poker, everyone at the table would have known her tells in the first five minutes. "I knew it then too. I insisted to Jacob it had been you on the phone. He insisted you were never coming back. He looked at me like I was crazy. And I believed him. I _felt_ crazy." Tears were shining in her eyes when she finally took them off the carpet, slowly sliding down her cheeks. "I didn't think you were coming back for me. Ever. So when he kissed me the next morning, I let him." There was the guilt again, weighing heavily on her words. "And then after a while, it wasn't just that I was letting him kiss me. I wanted him to. There was this hole inside, this gaping hole in my heart where you used to be, and it hurt so badly. Jacob made it easier. Jacob made me feel _something _and I had been so numb for so long…" She took a deep, shaky breath. "Edward, I'm sorry. This isn't…"

"No," I cut her off sharply. "No, Bella, do not apologize for it. I am…I am glad there was someone here for you when I could not be." I forced the words out, trying to make them true. I knew it was better for her that Jacob had been there, but all I could think was _mine_.

As the night wore on and Bella's story began to draw to a close, I braced myself for the conversation that would follow. I had questions, some of which I was not certain Bella would be willing to answer. I had to know more about Jacob, about their relationship. I had to find a way to express to her that no matter how difficult it would be, if that was what she wanted, I would not stand in her way; I would fight the jealousy screaming "mine, mine, mine!" over and over again. I had lost the ability to claim her as my own when I chose to walk away from her. It was clear that with Jacob, Bella had had a normal teenage relationship. She skipped over the physical side of it, but there was a glint in her eye when she talked about Jacob, a depth of emotion I could not deny. I wondered if she still had that look when she talked about me.

"So that's it," she finally said softly, her gaze settling on my face, waiting for my reaction. "That's how we got here."

I nodded, leaning back against the wall. The rocking chair had been too far away from her, too removed for where I had known the conversation would to take us. I knew sitting beside her on the bed would have been too close, so I had moved to sit against the wall at her feet. There was barely two feet between us but it may as well have been a forest.

"I am sorry." The words caught in my throat, tight with tears impossible to shed. I took a deep breath, fighting for calm. "I can go. I am sorry I came back. You and Jacob…he is normal. Normal is what you deserve." I could not bring myself to actually formulate the words "Jacob is what you deserve."

She stared at me incredulously, her mouth forming a small 'o' of shock. When she spoke, fury lashed behind the cover of each word. "Edward Cullen you are really fucking stupid." She stood from the bed, closing the gap between us quickly. "Get up."

I stood hesitantly, wary of the rage in her gaze. Bella mad had never frightened me before, but this was something new. Something had changed in her while I had been gone; Bella was much more fearsome than before. Now I was terrified.

"You apparently need it spelt out for you. I don't want to be with Jacob. I was with Jacob because I couldn't have you. Weren't you listening at all? It took me a long time to figure that out, and I'm going to have to eventually find a way to make amends with him for it." She paused, taking a deep breath to calm herself. She was speaking so quickly I was not sure a human would have been able to decipher the words. Reaching forward, she grabbed my jaw and pulled my face down toward hers. We were inches away from each other and I held perfectly still, too afraid to move. "Now listen carefully, this is the important part. I am in love with you. I have always been in love with you and I always will be, even if I'm not ready to trust you right this moment. But if you think you're leaving again, if even the tiniest atom in your body thinks that leaving is a possibility, then get out right now." She released me, taking a step back, her hands shaking. "I won't do it again, Edward. I can't. I won't."

I launched myself forward, the passion that had been welling inside me with each word too strong. Ignoring all her warnings, everything she had said to me in the last few days, I pressed my lips to hers. Her hands shoved against my chest, but I was stronger, holding her to me. Moving my lips to her ear, I whispered softly, "Bella, I will _never_ leave you again. Even if you ask me to." Then my mouth was on hers.

For a split second, I thought I was going to get slapped again. If she pushed me away this time, I would let her. But instead, something in her snapped. Tugging me with her, she fell back against the bed, her lips hungrily devouring mine. She tangled her fingers in my hair, pulling my face more tightly against hers, molding her body to mine. I was too overcome with her, her scent, her body, the mere fact that she was in my arms to care about the old boundaries. One of Bella's legs was wrapped around my hips, drawing me closer, closer, her scent growing stronger and stronger as she pressed herself to me.

"I love you," I said over and over again, ripping my mouth from hers to kiss anywhere I could find flesh. Her neck, her ears, her jaw, I kissed all of them as she lay panting beneath me. Warning bells were jangling unheard in the back of my mind as I answered each shift of her body beneath mine with one of my own; I could not stand the thought of losing one inch of contact with her.

Bella, my Bella…Bella brought me screeching back to reality as her tiny fingers grasped the bottom of my shirt, preparing to tug it above my head. I grabbed at them quickly, stilling them between us. I took a deep breath, fighting the sensation her fingers caused that low on my torso…and the very vivid memory of what she had looked like walking through her bedroom door earlier in the night. "Bella…"

"Of course not." The light went out of her eyes, her fingers untangling from mine and shoving against me. "Things never change with us, do they?"

"Bella," I protested, trying to convince her with my eyes that it was for the best. No dice.

"You know, Edward, I wouldn't have let it get much further. I just wanted…" She bit her lip, her cheeks flushing before she spoke again. It made me want her all that much more. "Every time I was with Jacob, every time his skin pressed to mine…" I winced at the words, at the recollection of what I had seen through the living room window. "Every single time, Edward, I imagined what it would feel like if it was _you_ instead. That's all I wanted. To feel you, pressed against me."

"If you had just taken off my shirt, I do not think…I do not think we would have stopped."

She gave a strangled cry and glared at me from where she still lay across her bed. "Edward, do you remember Phoenix?" _How could I forget?_ I nodded, afraid of where the conversation was going. "Do you remember sucking the venom back out of me? Do you remember the _taste_ of my blood?"

"Do not do this."

"No, Edward, don't _you_ do this. Again. You are absurd. Utterly absurd." She sat up, grasping my hands tightly with her. I absentmindedly wove our fingers together, forcing her to slide closer. "You. Tasted. My. Blood. Blood that you said is like your own personal brand of heroin. And you stopped. You stopped all on your own because you love me." She shook her head, her eyes falling on our entwined hands resting between us. "I don't believe you can't do the same thing with us, here. I think you don't want to. And maybe I know better, but you know what it feels like, Edward? It feels like you don't want me."

I sucked in a quick breath, the pain of her words astonishing. It never ceased to amaze me that no matter how good my intentions were, Bella always ended up the same. Hurt. Tears shining in her eyes. Her entire body tensed to move away from me.

"You could have died," I whispered, drowning myself in the depths of her chocolate eyes. "I had to."

"So?" she asked flippantly. "From the way you carry on, I might also die if I take off my shirt. What's the big difference? And besides you already saw me once tonight without a shirt."

"That is not funny. And it is not the same." Same old Bella, determined to put herself in imminent danger. But things had changed. I knew all too well how it felt to lose her, and I would not allow anything that came close to chancing it. Not even the vision of her perfect skin stretched across a taunt stomach. The hurt in her eyes was weakening my resolve and I had to do something, anything, to stop it. "Bella, you have no idea how I want you. Even right now. Your body…all of you…it is more tempting than your blood ever was."

It helped, but the hurt was still there, swimming in an endless pool of tears. "I just want this one little thing," she said very quietly, the fight going out of her. "Please, Edward…just try. Can you please, for once, instead of going on and on about all the ways you can't…just try."

I looked down to where our hands still rested between us, fingers locked tight. Bella's knuckles had gone white from how tightly she was holding on, but I could barely feel it. I was much too focused on how her skin felt against mine, even in that small amount. The venom came rushing down the back of my throat as I thought about more of her, her fragile body pressed to mine. It was impossible to picture holding Bella against me that way without picturing all of her against me, wrapped around me.

When I still said nothing, she sighed heavily. "Do you remember the first time you kissed me? Do you remember then, when you said 'I want to try something?'"

"Yes. And I remember that you could not control yourself and it almost ended quite poorly."

"But it didn't."

Her eyes met mine and she was silent for a long moment. When she spoke again, her voice was choked. "Edward…this, this right here is exactly why I slapped you for kissing me the other day. You can't…you can't come back in my life this way. You either want to be here and you commit to it, all the way, or you don't. Wanting to be with me means you have to _try_. You left because you were too afraid to really try with me before. Didn't you learn anything?"

"I left to protect you."

"Bullshit. You left because you were afraid that you couldn't protect me."

"Well James…"

"James nothing. I survived."

"You almost did not."

"Horseshoes and hand grenades, Edward. That's where almost counts." She forced her fingers out of my grasp, reaching for the hem of my shirt. Her fingers slid under the T-shirt, her touch feather soft against my stomach, her thumbs hooked on the hem. "Please. I need this. I need you."

Her fingers twitched against my skin in nervous anticipation and that was it. "Slowly," I finally agreed in a hoarse whisper. The expression on her face nearly undid me right then and there as soon as the word left my lips. She nodded, tugging ever so gently on the shirt and sliding it up my chest. With every slight movement, her fingers would graze against my skin. It was over much more quickly than I would have liked.

As the shirt fell to the floor, Bella's fingers reached for the hem of her own shirt. "No." I stopped her, pulling her hands back to mine. I took a deep breath, trying to force myself to settle into calm. "Remember the part about being still, ok? Really this time."

She nodded, her heart beginning to race. Though the light was dim – Bella had turned the ceiling lights off to keep Charlie out, leaving only the glow of her open laptop to light the room – I could see her perfectly. A blush was rising in her cheeks where it burned beautifully as I dropped my fingers to her waist. "You do have something on under this, right?" I suddenly asked, wondering what exactly I had agreed to. The sight of Bella's bare breasts was definitely going to be too much for one night.

"Yes," she breathed, her eyes flickering to mine. They were filled with anticipation and lust. "The shirt is white, Edward."

Flashes of Bella in wet T-shirt contest instantly assaulted my imagination and I had to close my eyes. Her heart beat a little faster, the electricity between us crackling. I paused for one more moment, willing myself to have enough control to do this, and slid my fingers under the shirt much like Bella had done to me. As my fingers grazed her waist, her breathing hitched, errant now. I forced my gaze back to her eyes, focusing only on their dark chocolaty depths as I pulled the shirt up. Breaking eye contact only long enough to discard her shirt, I held my breath.

"Can I move yet?" she asked quietly, a hint of amusement in her voice. The thrumming of her heart belied her calm tone. I shook my head, too afraid to speak. The venom was coursing down my throat as it always did with Bella, but other desires were also trying to gain purchase. Unbidden, memories of Bella dreaming the previous night came rushing back. Except this time she was not wearing a shirt.

I pushed myself off the bed, standing beside it instead of sitting so close. I had to find a way to do this without allowing Bella the ability to surprise me. Disappointment was in her eyes as I turned back to her and I quickly rushed to correct her assumption. "No, Bella, no I am not giving up. I am just…" I took a sharp breath as my eyes finally left her face, the smooth expanse of skin below capturing my full attention. The bra she was wearing was simple, white cotton with lace trim, but on Bella it was positively scandalous. The sports bra from earlier had been bad enough but this…this was entering my fantasy world. I snapped my eyes shut, fighting the urge to push her back on the bed and just have my way with her. _No, no, no_, I told myself over and over again. _Not like that. Never like that. I will not lose control like that._

"Edward, really, we don't have to do this. I'm just being stupid, I'm sorry. It's a terrible idea. Never mind."

I snapped my eyes open as she bent down to grab her shirt from the floor, her cheeks flushed in embarrassment. "No," I corrected, trying to force as much affection into my stare as I could. "No, Bella, you are never stupid."

She sighed, dropping the shirt on the floor as she gazed at me. Her shoulders were hunched dejectedly around her body and I knew I had to find a way to prove my words. The sadness she was showing now was far worse than the ire of earlier. It reminded me of the broken Bella in her memories and I did not like it one bit. "Bella," I finally whispered, "Bella…just…just lay down, ok? Get comfortable like you normally would."

She nodded, her expression turning curious. Folding down the blankets, she slid her feet beneath them and settled against the pillows with an expectant glance in my direction. I took a step toward the bed, shutting my eyes against the image to gain control. Bella's hair was splayed across her pillows and I could not help but imagine holding myself above her, watching her face as we made love, with her hair fanned out behind her. I was full of fantasies that night, but it did not entirely matter. I was not going to allow any of them to happen.

"Stay still," I warned, pushing the blanket aside as I lay next to her. Waiting one long moment, I flipped on my side, reaching for her. I ran one hand down along her arm, eliciting a delicious shiver. Drawing myself closer to her still, I let my hand ghost across her waist, goosebumps rising all along her torso. Her breathing had picked up again, her heart beating furiously.

_Just do it_, I told myself sternly as my fingers closed on her tiny waist. In a sudden movement, before I could lose my nerve, I pulled her up on her side and tight against me. Bella gasped softly as her skin touched mine, fire to ice. My arm snaked around her back, holding her firmly in place. It felt divine.

"Can I move, just a little?"

I chuckled lightly, wishing my own heart could beat. It would be racing as fast as Bella's. One of her arms draped across my waist and she nuzzled her face against my neck, taking deep breaths as she did. "Are you ok?" she asked quietly, the movement of her lips against my neck sending a thrill down my spine.

"Yes," I whispered back. "I am more than ok." Still moving very slowly, I eased myself onto my back, drawing Bella down with me. She snuggled closer, her cheek pressed against my chest. I could feel her heart against my own and I wondered why I had doubted her. Reaching down, I tugged the blankets up and over her shoulders. My only concern in that moment was that she would be cold.

"I told you you could do this," she taunted, her breath hot on my skin. There was a smugness tinged with delight in her voice I loved.

"I am sorry I doubted you. And myself. You were right." I tightened my grip on her, curling my fingers around her waist before letting them fall possessively on her hip. She might not have been willing to say so just yet, but I knew in that moment she mine…and always had been. _Take that, Jacob Black_, I thought with a little smugness myself. _Mine._

"Thank you." Her voice was heavy with sleep, her lips brushing my bare chest as she spoke. The anxiety she had been so filled with earlier in the evening seemed to vanish in moments. A quick glance at her bedside alarm clocked revealed it was close to three in the morning. School was going to come all too quickly for both of us; I could have lain with Bella in my arms for days on end.

"Anything for you."

"I'm going to remember that," she muttered sleepily, tightening her grip on me. "You're still not forgiven, just so you know."

"I know," I replied, leaning to drop a soft kiss on her forehead. But as she drifted off into an exhausted sleep, I finally allowed the grin I had been holding in to come tearing out.

I may not have been completely forgiven, but we were well on our way. Alice had been right. Hearing the entire story from Bella had been awful, painful, but it had also been cathartic. A part of me wondered if maybe she just needed to say it all, to get all that she had been so obviously bottling up for the last year out. The way our evening had ended was a huge surprise, though a delightful one. Bella's bare arms wrapped around my bare waist, Bella's incredibly soft, warm skin pressed to mine…they were worth every lashing her words had given me that night. I was not sure if I had a free pass to kiss her any time I liked once again, but that night's kiss would certainly be enough to hold me over until the next. Immortality was useful for teaching patience if nothing else.

A part of me was afraid of what it was going to take to keep her happy going forward. Flashes of her with Jacob stirred in my memory. How far was I really willing to go to make her happy? I had told her anything, anything at all for her. Was I prepared to mean that?

chap title = sara bareilles. get her album, the whole thing is amazing.


	14. just light the match and run

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

14. just light the match and run

_What have I done?_ I asked myself over and over again as the days slipped by. Edward and I had begun a dance that night I didn't know how to step aside from; it was a dance I didn't know the steps to. By day, we went to school and carefully avoided each other. Thankfully, Edward switched out of my third period study hall. I made it a point to not know his schedule, and though I knew he wouldn't extend the same favor, it made me feel somewhat better to not know where he was at every moment. And also deeply unsettled. Though he hadn't yet, I knew he was liable to appear at any moment.

My birthday came and went. After the prior year's debacle, I refused to let anyone attached to the name Cullen so much as mention it to me. For once, they listened, even Alice. I suspected with their perfect recall, the memory of the previous year was also all too fresh. Jacob had been giving me the silent treatment since our last blow out, but I was too stressed out with my Edward concerns to care. I knew it wasn't right – Jacob had been there when no one else had – but I was too wrapped up in Edward. Jacob was just going to have to wait. My father was another story. I couldn't deny Charlie a birthday celebration, even purposefully picking his favorite steak restaurant in Port Angeles for our meal, but that was it. I owed my father a certain amount of obedience after all I had put him through in the last year…and all I knew Edward's return was putting him through again. He had yet to see Edward face to face and it was already bad enough.

As far as most of Forks knew, Edward and I were not back together. It was mostly true; I refused to give Edward back the title of boyfriend until I was certain he was staying. So far that hadn't happened. But we were certainly more than friends. The day time dance went on and on, carefully skirting each other at school, avoiding touching where anyone could see us, speaking only when we had to. But by night…by night Edward still slipped through my window, lay next to me, and pressed his lips to mine. Whatever we were or weren't, after that first night, I couldn't force myself to slam the window shut as I went to bed. No matter how my mind screamed doubts, anxieties, concerns, fears, my body betrayed me every time. I craved Edward's touch much like I suspected he had craved my blood. It was becoming unbearable.

Days turned to weeks. I lived for the nights, for the moment I could smell the subtle scent of Edward right before he slid down next to me on the bed. It didn't make a lot of sense, my behavior. What I was putting Edward through wasn't fair – I knew I was still in love with him, and I couldn't sleep without him beside me. But in public, before our family and friends, I couldn't admit any of it. Alice knew, in the way only Alice could, and I suspected the Cullens knew enough about our time together to see through me. But at school…Jessica chastised me constantly that if Edward could leave me in the first place, he didn't deserve me now. Angela was all gentle support, but that didn't make it any easier.

Mike wanted to punch him. I wasn't surprised by the reaction, especially given his friendship with Jacob over the last year, but the source of his concern was unexpected. Mike had given up thinking of me as anything other than a friend, and he was merely livid any man could have hurt me the way Edward had…and had the nerve to show his face again. The brotherly concern was comforting as I tried to slug through the rest of my emotional debris.

I felt like two people split down the middle. The nights with Edward, I felt alive. I felt like each brush of his fingers ignited a fire across my flesh, burning, burning, all night long. In the morning, I felt dissatisfied, angry, frustrated, and guilty. I could only sit atop the fence for so long before I toppled down on one side or the other. I was terrified of making the wrong choice.

Drifting along the days eventually brought me to a Friday night spent with Alice. I couldn't spend time with Jessica like I had before; she simply didn't understand. My mood fluctuated wildly most days, from extreme anger, to a deep aching melancholy, to a pure blissful optimism that Edward and I would work it out. Alice was good at ignoring my inner turmoil, or at least pretending to in front of me. I was suspicious of what she may have been saying to Edward back at the Cullen mansion, but his behavior remained constant.

I myself had yet to set foot in the mansion. I missed the rest of the family, even Rosalie in a way, but I felt like going there was the last wall I had against Edward; if I let myself become a part of the family again, there was no stopping. Jasper and Alice I saw at school, but not the rest. It was becoming harder to resist Edward's casual invites.

This particular Friday night Alice was unusually perky, which never meant anything good for me. I knew the homecoming dance was the following weekend and was doing my very best to ignore it. My perfect sale dress was hanging in the depths of my closet, carefully hidden from Edward. I certainly wouldn't be going to the dance with Jacob anymore, but I wasn't exactly looking to go with Edward either. I figured I would make an appearance to appease Jessica and then quickly escape.

I was hoping guilt would keep Alice at bay. Plan B was to plain beg her not to make me go. I should have known better.

"Charlie said he was going to have dinner with Billy tonight, so no need to cook," she began from where she was sprawled on my bed. She was laying face down, her ankles crossed as she swayed her legs back and forth. "So I was thinking we could do something tonight, just me and you."

I turned in my desk chair, peering at her suspiciously. I was just finishing the conclusion on the latest round of papers due for Monday, anxious to have the weekend to myself. Waiting up for Edward every night had me more than caught up on my homework. "Alice," I warned, giving the pixie the sternest look I could manage before turning back to the laptop. _Just a few more sentences_, I coaxed myself, resting my fingers atop the keys.

Alice remained silent while I typed, patiently waiting until I closed the document. "C'mon, Bella, it'll be fun!"

"What is it that you want to do, Alice?"

"Well…" She bounced up from the bed, making a beeline for the closet. Before I could stop her, she had my dress in her clutches. My stomach dropped to the floor. "Let's talk about this dress for starters."

"What's wrong with my dress?"

"Bella, it's polyester. Seriously? And it's from a department store in Port Angeles. My little sister does not wear some off the rack cheap fabric."

I raised an eyebrow at her, curious about the "little sister" comment. It implied a level of togetherness between Edward and myself I wasn't entirely comfortable with. "It was on sale," I muttered defensively.

Alice sighed tragically, reaching for the price tag. "I mean, honestly Bella, why do you insist on doing things like this?"

"It's not like I had better options. Or funds," I snapped back, annoyed. It was all fine and good for Alice to prattle on and on about designer this and that, but reality was that I had meager funds at my disposal. And I could care less about evening dresses.

"Well now you do!" She smiled brightly, shoving the dress into a crumpled pile on the rocking chair. "C'mon, the way I drive, we can make it to Seattle and back before Edward's visiting time!"

"And why do I want to go to Seattle? Alice, I'm going to that dance long enough to ooo and ahh at Jess's decorations and then leaving. Mike's already agreed to make sure Jessica notices me there so I can escape. I was going to go with Jacob and now I'm not. So why do I need to put in all this effort?"

"You aren't going with Edward?"

"No, of course not."

"Why do you say it like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like I'm stupid for even asking about you and Edward and homecoming." Alice was in classic annoyed mode, hands firmly planted on her hips. "Honestly, Bella, sweetie, I love you, but what the hell game are you two playing?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're so full of shit. You and Edward both. Did you two forget I can see the future? You've already decided. Both of you have. So stop fighting it. And stop being so awful to him at school." A deep scowl formed on her lips as she lightly tapped her temple.

"Excuse me?" I demanded, my temper flaring. Alice was already on my shit list for her insults to my dress, but this was going too far.

"Don't give me that. Seriously Bella? You avoid him at school. You look through him like he's not even standing there. Yet he watches you. I don't know how you don't notice, but he does. His eyes never leave you. And then every night, you leave that damned window open and you get all hot and bothered with him in your bed. Do you have any idea what this is doing to him?"

"Edward and I are working on things ourselves, Alice. Neither of us asked for your opinion. We understand each other."

Her eyes narrowed, a flash of irritation flickering across her features. "No, Bella, he does whatever you ask. You do nothing he asks, mostly because he's too afraid to ask a single thing of you. I know when we first came back I came down on him pretty hard, but he's been trying. For weeks, he's been trying. He does anything you want. And yet what have you given him? Why are you stringing this out?"

"I'm not!" I shouted back, frustration breaking through. "I don't know how to trust him. I don't know how to stop being afraid he's going to leave."

"And being a bitch at school somehow is going to give you the answer?" She sighed, throwing up her hands. "I mean, honestly, Bella, you haven't even been out to the house. Carlisle and Esme miss you. Emmett misses you. Even Rosalie would like to see you, though she'll never admit that aloud."

"I can't."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because if I have to lose Edward all over again, I lose all of you too. And I can't survive that twice!"

Alice shook her head slightly, her hands folding in her lap as she lowered herself to the edge of the rocking chair. "We're not going anywhere, Bella. If Edward were to be so stupid, I wouldn't listen to him again. It was the biggest mistake of my very long life. But he's not going anywhere. We change, Bella, irrevocably when we fall in love. Edward had a lapse in judgment, but he's never stopped loving you. And he won't."

I could feel the tears rising in my eyes again and I wiped angrily at my eyes, wishing them away. "He left me, Alice. You all did. I don't know how to just get over it."

"You can start by trying."

I gaped at her, wondering just how much she had seen of what happened between Edward and I. Her insistence I just try reminded me too much of my own conversation with Edward. The guilt came rolling in. "Fine," I finally replied wearily. "Fine, Alice. What do you suggest?"

"Come out to the house," she answered instantly, her face lighting up. "Just come out and spend the evening with us like you used to. Play video games with Emmett. Talk to Esme, let her fuss over you."

"And Edward?"

"Be nice to him."

I opened my mouth to protest that I was always nice to Edward, but stopped when I realized maybe Alice was right. Edward had done everything I had asked over the last few weeks, but I refused to change. It had been my idea to keep our nightly meetings a secret, my idea to be separated at school. Edward had gone along with all of it, without complaint. "What about my dress?" I finally asked, knowing I was grasping at straws.

"I'll overnight you a new one from Paris."

"Alice!"

"Bella, if it'll get you to come over to the house tonight, I'll fly over one designer from Milan and one from Paris, pay them both to make you a dress in seven days and let you choose."

"You're serious."

"Perfectly."

I threw up my hands, admitting defeat. I should have known better than to take Alice on. The girl had a stubborn streak wide as any ocean and unlimited funding. "Fine, Alice, fine." The wattage of her smile could have rivaled the sun. "But before you get overly excited, I'm driving myself. So I can escape."

"Must you be so grumpy?" she teased, rolling her eyes. Too fast for my eyes to follow, Alice had grabbed my favorite hoodie from the closet and was holding it out like a peace offering. "See, you can even wear this awful sweatshirt. Honestly, Bella, I should just have Edward throw it out while you're sleeping."

"_Edward_ wouldn't do that to me," I shot back, tugging the sweatshirt over my head. I took a quick glimpse in the mirror and sighed, anxiety suddenly taking over. Edward saw me every night tossing and turning in my sleep and first thing in the morning when I awoke. I had no idea why I felt the need to fuss over my hair now.

Alice rushed me out of the house with an impatience she rarely showed. If I didn't know her reflexes were too fast to allow it, I would have brake-checked her a half dozen times on the way to the Cullen mansion; her yellow Porsche was already practically in the truck's bed. Not like the impact would have hurt my tank of a truck, but I knew Alice's pretty sports car would crumple easily. I amused myself on the drive by picturing the destruction of her car. I wasn't sure I would ever understand the obsession with cars the entire family seemed to share.

Pulling up to the enormous white house, my heart began to thud heavily in my chest. None of the usual cars were in plain sight, but that didn't mean anything. The enormous garage behind the house would hold Carlisle's Mercedes and Edward's Volvo with ease.

Alice went to park her car in the garage and I waited nervously, eyeing the door. I hoped maybe Edward wasn't home after all; could he really resist rushing out to greet me if he was? _He had to know I was here before I even stepped out of the car._ The pleased expression on Alice's face as she suddenly appeared beside me made me think she had something to do with it.

_Why am I so nervous?_ I wondered anxiously as I followed Alice up the familiar steps onto the porch. _I was less nervous the first time I came here._

Alice shoved the door open and stepped aside, gesturing me forward with an encouraging smile. "I'm home!" she called from behind me with unnecessary volume. The entire family was gathered in the living room immediately to the left of the front entrance, waiting. Edward stood separated from the rest, leaned up against his piano. He was wearing a pair of well worn jeans and a black T-shirt with a sweatshirt unzipped over it. I wanted nothing more than to rush across the room and throw myself into his arms; the last time I had seen him had been a glimpse in the parking lot after another separated day at school.

"Hi," he said softly, awkwardly. His gaze met mine and his face was filled with hope, but it was clear he didn't know how to behave. There was a lot of that going on with Edward lately, and strange as it was, it was comforting. It made him seem more human.

"Bella!" Esme wasn't in the mood to wait for Edward and I to finish our dance, jumping up from the couch and flinging her arms around me. Like it was some sort of flag dropping to signal the start to a race, the entire family was suddenly around me. Even Rosalie gave me a stilted half hug.

Emmett nearly crushed my ribs.

"I hear I've been volunteered to give Edward a bitch slapping," he whispered deviously in my ear as he wrapped me in a giant bear hug. "You just say the word and I'm game."

"Thanks Emmett," I replied wryly, shaking my head as he finally released me. I shifted my weight from foot to foot, the crowd of amber eyes focused on me too much to handle. "Alice mentioned you've got some new game?"

"Yeah! And it's even got girl stuff. Even Rose plays with me sometimes!"

Jasper raised an eyebrow from the far side of the room, which he had immediately retreated to after giving me a warm hug. "Rose plays video games?"

"Be quiet, Emmett," Rosalie snapped, coming up behind him. His tone was all acid but her expression was joking. She reached up, lightly slapping the back of his head before walking away with a chuckle. "That was supposed to be our secret."

"So what's this game?"

Emmett launched into an explanation, hurriedly setting up the equipment. Edward watched from his piano, maintaining a careful distance which puzzled me. I watched him for a long moment, offering a tentative smile when his gaze caught mine. He smiled, but then turned his back, sitting back down to the piano. He didn't play; he just sat staring intently at the keys.

"Ignore him," Emmett called from behind me when he caught me watching Edward. "He does that all the time. We ignore him. C'mon, I've got another game to beat you at!"

Hesitantly I turned away from Edward, wondering why he had stayed away. I didn't want him to, not really. I wanted him to come sit on the other side of me on the couch while Emmett subjected me to some new torture. Judging by the presence of a microphone, it was going to be a special brand of humiliation.

"So I have to sing?"

"Yep, you have to sing."

"I don't think I want to play this Emmett. Can't we just race like normal?"

"Nope!" He drew out the vowel, laughing breaking into the word. "C'mon, Bella, we haven't played anything in so long!"

"Being a vampire has done nothing for his tone deafness," Alice called from where she had settled on Jasper's lap. Their fingers were entwined, her thumb lazily rubbing against his hand. It made me ache for Edward. "You might just win."

I laughed nervously, sneaking a glance over the back of the couch. Edward was still glaring at the piano keys. It didn't seem fair, to be playing a game like this, that was so very centered around music, without him. Music and Edward were never mutually exclusive in my book.

"So what do you want to sing Bella?"

"Um…I don't know. Pick something. I'll be awful at it anyway."

"Oh c'mon, there's chick singers. No Doubt, Paramore, Alanis Morissette…hey Edward said you like this emo crap, right? Uh…Taking Back Sunday, Fall Out Boy…"

"It's not emo crap," I snapped back, shooting a nasty glance over my shoulder at Edward. He at least had looked up at the mention of his name and now he just looked amused. "And seriously, Emmett, just pick something. With a girl singing it."

"Ok, well everyone knows this song. And it's slow, so you can't screw it up." Emmett grinned, pushing a few more buttons and shoving a microphone in my face. "I even put it on easy. I'm going to play drums!" Sure enough, a fake drum set was set up in front of him. I eyed it nervously, desperately wishing for any other kind of game. Was this some new form of torture Alice had cooked up for me? Had I really been _that_ awful to Edward? "Ready?"

"No!" I shook my head violently, glaring at Alice. "Emmett, I don't sing. C'mon, really?"

"The kids at school all play, c'mon Bella!" Alice pled from the other side of the room.

I turned back toward her, dreaming up new violent ends for her pretty car. "Alice, they're all drunk when they play. Not the same!"

"So get drunk!" Emmett looked all too pleased with himself when I turned back to face him, his eyes lit with amusement. "I'm pretty sure Carlisle's got some whiskey around here somewhere some doctor friend gave him."

"Bella is not getting drunk, Emmett." Edward had appeared suddenly in front of us, his entire body tense. "If she does not want to play she does not have to."

"Chill out, dude. It was just a joke."

"Not a very funny one."

"Maybe you should have a few drinks yourself."

_Edward can get drunk?_ I wondered to myself, watching their heated exchange. _Well, that's interesting. How exactly does that work?_

Edward's hands were balled into fists at his side, Emmett's expression annoyed bordering on angry. The last thing I wanted was for the two of them to fight over me. "Edward, it's fine, really, I'll play the game. I haven't seen Emmett in forever."

"See, Edward? _Bella_ would like to play. So move." For a second I thought Edward was going to punch him, but instead he finally moved out of the way. He perched himself on the couch next to me, glowering. Not bothering to see what song Emmett had chosen, I gripped the microphone tightly, closing my eyes. I winced when I heard the opening chords but slowly began to sing anyway. _Really, Emmett, you had to pick this_, I moaned mentally, wishing I didn't know the words.

"Don't speak, I know just what you're saying, so please stop explainin', don't tell me 'cause it hurts," I sang, afraid of looking at Edward. Maybe Emmett had been right. Maybe I should have gotten drunk, instead of standing in the Cullen living room singing this song. _Why are all these songs about love and heart break? Couldn't someone just write a song about rainbows and sunshine for me to sing? Why didn't I just pick Britney Spears or some other pop trash with meaningless lyrics? And where is Emmett's tact? How could he pick this song for me to sing with Edward right here? So what if it's slow and easy?_ The words coming out of my mouth came out as a plea, just like they did in the song.

I opened my eyes only as the last notes finally faded. Emmett was all kinds of excited, pointing wildly at the screen. "See, Bella, you almost got a hundred! That's good! Your singing isn't bad at all!"

Edward was staring at me again, watching, waiting. For what, I had no idea. But I was not sticking around to find out.

"I have to go," I mumbled, glancing anxiously at Alice. I mouthed a quick apology, dropping the microphone on the couch and rushing toward the door. "This was a mistake, I can't do it, I'm sorry," I babbled, flinging the door open and hurrying toward the truck.

"Bella!" Edward called after me, stopping me on the steps of the porch. "Bella, please, please do not go."

_You promised Alice you'd be nice_, I reminded myself, staring up into his rich amber eyes. The light from the living room spilled out the door behind him, casting a halo in the darkness.

"Can we go for a walk? Outside? Away from them?" I jerked my head toward the house, my face flushing scarlet. Fleeing like a frightened child from the house had not been my best move.

"Sure." Edward grabbed my hand, pulling me tightly against him. "Are you warm enough? I can get you a jacket."

"I'm fine." We lapsed into an awkward silence as we walked around the house, beginning to cross the open expanse that led to the river beyond. I could see the water shimmering in the moonlight. "So you can get drunk?" I finally blurted out, curiosity getting the better of me. It was hard to imagine morally righteous Edward getting drunk.

"I always forget how observant you are." He chuckled, pulling me more tightly against him, his arm going around my shoulders and drawing me close. "It is not like it happens all that often, but yes it is possible."

"So you have?"

"A few times." Edward was definitely amused. His eyes were dancing with merriment, his lips twitching with the effort of not smiling. "When I was human Bella, there was not really a drinking age. That is a product of this age."

"Yeah but that was before…what about now?"

"Well it takes some pretty strong spirits and a lot of them, but yeah. Carlisle has his theories of course." Edward may as well have been telling me about Carlisle's theories on the use of morphine. "He thinks the venom burns it off pretty quickly, but with enough alcohol it is entirely possible. It is a very strange experience though. It is not the same as when you are human. We obviously still have some sort of brain cell activity and alcohol affects the brain…I do not know. I still do not understand how a vampire is a medical possibility, so trying to explain to myself why I can still get drunk but I cannot digest food…" He trailed off, his expression finally turning serious. "What about you?"

I blushed furiously at the question. "Not really. I mean out at the rez in the summer sometimes when Billy and Charlie had a few too many beers themselves Jake and I would sneak a few. But never enough to get all that drunk." I wasn't sure why admitting it to Edward was so embarrassing but a part of me felt guilty, like I was somehow letting him down. He did seem to have an awfully perfect version of me going in his head. "Jess says Mike's going to spike the punch at homecoming. Maybe I'll get drunk then."

"Ah, homecoming…" The tension was immediately back and I wished I hadn't brought it up. "You are not going to let me take you, are you?"

"Is that your way of asking?"

"I was under the impression you did not want me to ask." We had reached the edge of the water, our feet suddenly motionless. I let my eyes unfocus on the water, the ripples glinting in the moonlight. It was utterly peaceful and romantic, if only we could let it be.

"You know how I feel about dances."

"But it is not just that, is it?" he asked sorrowfully, glancing up into the night sky. When he brought his attention back down to me, there was frustration in the set of his jaw. "I do not understand what is going on with us, Bella."

"I don't either."

"Why are we leading this double life?"

"I don't know."

"Can we stop?"

"I don't know."

He sighed heavily, turning my body to face his. Cupping my face between his cool hands, he bent to kiss me. It started innocently enough, his lips on mine pressing gently. Yet before I knew it, I was panting, my arms wrapped tightly around him, hands in his hair. My teeth nipped at his bottom lip, tugging gently, wanting as much of him as I could have. Even in the cold October night, I would have gladly stripped down next to the river and let him have me…if I actually believed he would.

Edward broke the kiss, pushing lightly against my shoulders. His eyes were darker than usual when we finally separated, my face flushed, my lips tingling. He let his hands fall back to the sides of my face from where they had been tangled in my hair. With one shaky deep breath, he whispered, "See how easy that part is?"

"Kissing you has never been difficult."

"It has for me."

"Right, but we worked on that. Now it's better!" I started to lean closer, tired of the subject. I was much more interested in Edward's mouth on mine. I was surprised when he leaned away from me, a serious expression on his face.

"Exactly, Bella. We worked on it. And now we are fine. Why are you so against everyone knowing we are back together?"

"We're not back together."

"Then what do you call this?" he demanded, hurt creeping into his voice. "You are here, are you not? With me? You tell me you love me, you kiss me like you love me. Every thing in your body says you want more than just the kisses, but you do not want your friends to know that?"

"Because then they put up with me being such a miserable bitch for nothing, Edward! I can't just go running back into your arms!"

"You are not!" he insisted, his grip on my face tightening. "Bella, we have talked this to death. What else is there to say? I am sorry. I have said it, I have shown you the best way I know how. I will keep saying it as long as it takes. Why do we have to be apart to work on us? I just want to walk you to class and carry your books! And sit with you at lunch! I want it to be like it was!"

"You're the one who said before is gone, Edward," I reminded him, fighting the urge to scream.

"Not all of it."

"What do you want from me?"

"Forgiveness," he answered instantly, his touch softening. "Real, honest forgiveness. I know trust takes longer. I can wait. But you need to forgive me, Bella. Please, god, just forgive me." His fingers trembled slightly as he ran his thumb across my lips, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Edward…"

"Do not tell me you do not know. You do. By now, you know."

"I know I don't want to be without you. I know that my heart races when you touch me, that all day I wait for you to come crawling through my window. I know I'm in love with you. I know sometimes I think about you leaving again, and it nearly breaks me in two, even if I'm in your arms and you're holding me together. I know I don't want anyone's pity if you leave again. I know Charlie is going to flip out any day now and probably try to forbid me from seeing you. And I know how happy your family would be if we could just work it out." I took a deep breath, trying to slow the rush of words and calm my racing heart. "Those are the things I know, Edward."

"You do not know I love you?"

"I know that, too. I _don't_ know that it's enough to keep you from running off again. Victoria is out there somewhere, we both know that. I know it's been quiet on that front the last few weeks, but she's not just going to go away. She's way too crazy for that. Are you just staying until she's taken care of, because you feel responsible? And even if you do get rid of her, are you going to run away because I was in danger again and you stupidly think it's all your fault? Those are the things I don't know."

"I am never leaving you again," he vowed, pulling me tightly against his chest. "I do not know how I ever did it in the first place. I cannot. You are my entire life, my entire reason to exist. I was not kidding, you know, about what I said to you that after we were watching Romeo and Juliet. I would follow you out of this world if I thought you had left it. That day when you jumped off the cliff…" His voice trailed off, pain lacing each word. "If the answer on the other end of the line had been different, I would have been on the first flight to Italy."

I shuddered at the memory, Edward's vow not to live without me. It was an epic declaration, but he had seemingly voided it by leaving so soon thereafter. In the aftermath of Edward's departure, I had merely chalked it up to yet another teenage boy's declaration. Edward may have been over a hundred years old, but a part of him was always going to be seventeen.

We fell silent, the soft rush of the water flowing beside us the only sound track. The sky was clear for once, the light of the moon illuminating the clearing. So far out in the middle of nowhere, the stars were visible by the millions, the entire night sky blanketed in them. Compared to the light polluted views in Phoenix, it was breathtaking. It made me never want to live in a major metropolitan area again.

Edward's arms were wrapped tightly around me, my face pressed to his chest. I breathed deeply, loving the smell of his cologne and skin wrapped up in the night air. I wanted to freeze the moment, so simple and perfect, and save it for the days when I didn't know up from down. In that moment, I knew Edward loved me. I believed he would stay. I even believed it would be enough to get us through.

Pulling myself back from him slightly, I raised myself onto the tips of my toes, brushing my lips against his ear. "I love you," I whispered, tightening my grip on him. He pushed me back, his eyes searching mine, his fingers gently combing my hair back from face. "I'm sorry I've been so awful."

"I am sorry I left," he replied. His expression softened, a tiny smile playing on his lips, amber eyes alight with mischief. "Does this mean I can take you to the dance?"

A thrill ran through me as I thought about an entire night spent in Edward's arms. Suddenly, Alice's ridiculous suggestion about the dress didn't seem so bad. Plus there would be that spiked punch to consider. Now that I knew Edward was capable of drinking alcohol, a new possibility existed. Maybe if I could just get him to loosen up a little bit we could move a bit further ahead in our physical relationship. Getting Edward to take his shirt off, and mine for that matter, had been a small triumph but it had been the last. I was ready for another.

"Only if you promise to keep Alice in check."

"Define in check."

"Um…she doesn't get to kidnap me for the entire day? An hour should be plenty."

He chuckled quietly, planting a gentle kiss in my hair. "You have yourself a deal Miss Swan. I will keep her from monopolizing your entire day. But you get to listen to her complain."

"I can handle Alice," I assured him while silently wondering how I was going to do just that. Maybe I would just threaten to not attend the dance at all. But of course now that we had decided to go, the damn pixie probably already knew all about it. _Stupid future seeing obnoxious best friend._

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you uh…do maybe want to dance with me?"

"Here?"

"Yeah." He took a step away from me, a sheepish grin on his face. "I mean, with prom…well I just thought maybe you would enjoy it more if you knew what you were doing."

I gaped at him, incredulous. I knew I was a clutz and hopelessly lacked rhythm, but it didn't seem very nice of Edward to put it right out there. Especially when I had just agreed to go to the god forsaken dance.

"Just try?" he pled, offering the crooked smile he knew I loved best. I had to give it to Edward. He had refrained from using that smile on me in all the weeks since he had been back. And yet, it still worked like a charm.

I nodded, delighted when he stepped forward and clasped one hand on my waist, taking the other hand in his. He moved closer, nearly every inch of our bodies touching. _I can definitely handle dancing if it means being this close all night._ "Close your eyes," he whispered, pulling me tightly against him. "Just move with me."

He began to sway, moving us in a small circle around the grass. I did as I was told, letting my eyes slide closed. I knew the entire family could see us from the windows, but I didn't care. It felt like the worries I had been bottling up, the resentment I had felt for Edward, all of it was washing down the river. I was living in some fantasy world, where Edward was deeply in love with me, dancing under a starlit sky.

It could have been minutes, maybe hours later when Edward gently untangled us and started to guide me back toward the house. I had grown sleepy, my arms moving to drape around his neck, his arms encircling my waist. I didn't even complain when he simply lifted me up for the walk back to the house through the grass. It felt good to be wrapped securely in his arms, tucked against his chest.

He set me down beside the truck, the light from the house illuminating the driveway. I was not ready to leave, but a quick glance at my cell phone revealed Charlie would be home soon. The night had gone far too well to be spoilt in an argument with my father.

My eyes fell to the ground as I nervously wondered what the night meant for us. It seemed like some sort of wall had come down, like Edward and I were really back together now, all the way. The dance would of course show the rest of the world that, but something had changed between us. Maybe I was ready to trust him again.

"Edward, your shoes!" My gaze fell to the horribly scuffed leather shoes standing next to my beat up sneakers. Edward's shoes were always pristine. Alice saw to that.

"I have more."

"Did I do that?"

He smiled the same crooked grin I loved, running his fingers through his hair. He looked amused again, and I realized I had missed the lightness between us. Everything had been so serious since he had come back; it seemed we had forgotten how to laugh together. "Yes, Bella, but you seemed…happy…and relaxed. I will happily go ruin all my shoes if it means you stay this way." He reached out, running his thumb along my cheek, down to my lips. "I am glad you came here tonight."

"Me too." We shared one final kiss, knowing Edward would follow me back to Charlie's a short while later. My mind wandered as Edward kissed me, the cool steel of the truck at my back. I had a brief flash of being pressed up against the truck, Edward's lips insistent on mine instead of gentle like they were then. Maybe one day. For the time being, moonlit dances beside the river would have to do.

Chapter title = hawthorne heights


	15. i'll be your stepping stone

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

15. I'll be your stepping stone

The following Saturday morning dawned dreary and gray much like any other day in Forks. As I lay in my bed staring out the window, I decided I wasn't going to the homecoming game after all. I knew Edward had no intention of going; he and Jasper had been sent off on a hunting trip by Alice to fortify themselves for an evening spent in the tightly packed gym. Jasper was infused with new found self control after his slip with me, but it was still going to be difficult for them. It made me wonder all over again why it was so important to Edward that we go to the dance.

Over the last week, a definite shift had occurred between us. After I had left on Friday night, Edward had eventually followed me back to my room. I didn't push that night for anything other than the relatively chaste kisses Edward offered; I was too content in my new found certainty I was making the right decision. One day, Edward would be utterly mine, in every single way I could imagine. Plus I was formulating a halfway decent plan for homecoming night; I was counting on Alice being on my side with this one and not telling Edward. _So far, so good._

But we couldn't quite contain ourselves as we had previously. Though I wouldn't let him do anything so obvious as rearrange his class schedule – again – to be with me for more of the day, it was impossible to miss the change. Jessica shot me disapproving look after disapproving look when she would catch me lingering with Edward outside a class. We spent our lunch wandering the campus rather than inside the lunchroom, inside when it was pouring, outside if it was merely gray and wet. Edward would wind his fingers through mine and hold me close. It was enough.

With so much of my time spent with Edward, I had been able to push Jacob to the back of my mind. But I found myself alone for the entire day. Edward had thankfully convinced Alice she was not permitted to pick me up before four that afternoon to start getting ready, so I had the entire day wide open. What little homework I had been assigned was done, and Charlie was spending the day out at the reservation with Billy. I was out of distractions.

I picked up my cell phone, hesitantly paging down to Jacob's name. It had been nearly a month since we had spoken, and I knew I had to make it right. I had no idea what I could even say to him at that point – his harsh words from that afternoon were still awfully fresh to me as well – but I had to try. I had forced that upon Edward, Alice had forced it upon me, and now I was going to make myself do it.

Jacob's phone went to voicemail after three rings. _Perfect,_ I thought with a stab of frustration. _Either it's out of service, or he just ignored my call._ Either way, I wouldn't be able to talk to him. I refused to merely leave a message so I quickly hung up. Annoyed, I flopped back against my pillows and pondered what else to do with myself for the day.

In the end, I decided to just reread _Pride and Prejudice_. It would take me most of the day to read, and I knew I could easily get lost in the problems of Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy; they seemed so simple in comparison to my own. I let my mind wander off to the rolling hills of England, where it was sure to rain only slightly less often than in Forks.

Sure enough by the time I finished reading I had just enough time to shower before Alice would arrive to pick me up. She had forbidden me to bring anything to the house except my cell phone and myself. Charlie, as big a fan of Alice as always and still in the dark about my relationship with Edward, had agreed to let me spend the night with her following the dance. I was particularly looking forward to it, but frightened by Alice's insistence I bring nothing with me. No clothes save the ones I was wearing to go home in the following day, and more importantly, no sleepwear. It had me unnerved, but she had guilted me into agreeing by reminding me she had agreed to Edward's demand to leave me be for the day.

I was just tugging my hair into a messy knot atop my head when a flash of yellow caught my eye out the window. Sure enough, Alice's Porsche was pulled up to the end of the driveway. She showed no signs of getting out of the car, which meant she was impatient to go. The dance started at eight. I had already compromised greatly from the hour limit I had initially tried to impose, so I took my sweet time getting to the car.

Alice was none too thrilled. "Now, Bella," she began in a lecturing tone. She turned toward me with a pair of unnecessarily dark sunglasses covering most of her face. "All you have is that cell phone, yes?"

"Yes, but I really think-"

"Good," she cut in, turning back toward the road. She hit the gas and we shot off in the direction of the Cullen house. "I've got everything taken care of, don't you worry."

"Oh that's exactly why I'm worried. I mean, really Alice, not even a toothbrush?"

"Nope!" She popped the 'p' loudly. "You made a deal with Edward. Plus I know what you've been plotting, and I've got to tell you, so far, your plan sucks. I'm just helping."

"Alice!" My face flushed deeply as I thought about all the various plans I had dreamt up and immediately discarded. The end goal was always the same: push things further with Edward physically. I wasn't certain just how far I intended for things to end up, but I knew by the end of the night I wanted more than what I currently had. At the very least, I wanted to be able to say Edward and I had taken things further than I had with Jacob.

"What? Jeeze, Bella, this is for you own good. You think you could get him to just pretend to drink water and slip grain alcohol in its place? He's not stupid. And the stuff may not smell like anything to you, but we can very easily smell it." She shook her head and my face only flushed more. In truth, with the words coming out of Alice's mouth, it did sound awfully stupid. Edward would never have fallen for it.

"Well, Alice, what is it you suggest?"

"Oh, I have a few things." I didn't like the tone of her voice one bit when she said that. "And ya know, sometimes when I get all focused on Jasper, I might get careless with what I let slip mentally."

"Alice…"

"Oh, don't worry Bella, you'll see."

I didn't like the sound of that either. I fell silent as we approached the house, Edward's Volvo nowhere in sight. "Are they still out?" I asked, hoping I didn't sound as sorrowful as I felt. I knew I would be spending the evening with Edward, but the thought of being in his house without him bothered me. I wanted him there, desperately. I knew it shouldn't have, but the thought of him being gone sent a spurt of panic rushing through me.

"They'll be back in about an hour or so." For once, Alice kept the mockery out of her voice. I knew she missed Jasper nearly as badly as I missed Edward, so on the one topic, I was safe. I would just keep to myself the irrational side insisting he wouldn't come back.

The house was eerily quiet as we stepped through the front door, Alice's stilettos on the wood sending an echo through the halls. "Where is everyone?" I asked as she immediately turned for the stairs, dragging me along with her.

"Oh, Carlisle and Esme went away for the weekend. Carlisle had some conference on cardiology down in Seattle." She paused before we entered her room, a twinkle in her eye. "And Rosalie and Emmett decided to take off for the weekend too. I saw a hurricane coming toward the Caribbean and Emmett decided he wanted to go surfing down there. It's the best time for us, with the lack of sun and all. Not a lot of people to see what we're up to either." Alice pushed the door open and pulled me through, motioning for me to take a seat on the edge of the bed. The pile of bags had me frightened, especially the labels peeking out. I caught a glimpse of _Agent Provocateur_ and nearly passed out. What the hell had Alice done? Nothing with that kind of tag could mean anything good for me.

"No peeking!" she insisted, turning back toward me. She had been collecting different pots of makeup and brushes from her vanity and was preparing to drag me into the bathroom. "By the way," she added, much too nonchalantly for my taste as she pushed me down into my seat. "Jasper and I are taking off after the dance tonight. With everyone out of town, we figured it would be a good time to get away ourselves."

"So you're leaving Edward and me completely alone here tonight?" I asked through gritted teeth, fighting the urge to either laugh or scream. There was temptation and then there was temptation. _Screw the dance_, I thought to myself with a delicious shiver, _let's just stay here tonight. There's got to be a way…_

"Isabella Swan, don't you dare try and blow off this dance." Alice glared at me in the mirror, reaching for the flat iron on the counter. "Now you just sit tight and keep going with your schemes. I'll let you know if you hit one that works."

I pouted at her in the mirror, but did as she said and tried to relax. I knew fighting Alice as she poked at me was no use; Alice was going to have her way with my appearance before I left the house and that was final. I dreaded the day Edward and I got married.

The thought gave me pause. _Did I just think about when Edward and I get married?_ I wondered to myself, trying to remain calm. Alice was fussing over a strand of hair, seemingly unaware of the sudden turn my thoughts had taken. _I thought when, not if,_ I mused silently to myself, feeling a blush creeping onto my cheeks. It was awfully hot sitting under the bright vanity lights, so I hoped Alice would merely chalk it up to that instead of demanding answers. I was afraid of what she would see on my face if she looked.

Wasn't it the natural progression though? I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him – I wanted to spend the rest of eternity with him. I could not fathom being without Edward, and it already seemed he was a part of me. Would we do the normal, human thing and get married? The legal binding of the ceremony didn't really matter; Edward had possibly ten different aliases I knew about and who knew how many others. What would it matter if he was married under just the one?

_Pointless train of thought_, I told myself sternly, letting my eyes slide closed as Alice came forward with the makeup brushes. _Edward would have to ask. He hasn't done that. And besides, we're just now getting back to being right with each other. Getting married would be positively ridiculous._

Telling myself firmly to put aside the tangent I had let my thoughts wander down, I went back to trying to figure out a way to get Edward to relax. I was tired of being the responsible Isabella Swan, who made dinner, grocery shopped, got good grades and did every thing she was supposed to. For one night, I wanted to be a little reckless and irresponsible. I wanted to get drunk and make questionable decisions like most of my other friends would. I wanted to spend the night wrapped in my boyfriend's arms in a questionable stare of undress. With only a slight hesitation, I admitted to myself what I really wanted was to wake up in a complete state of undress in Edward's arms. Too bad I knew better.

Alice finally allowed me to move back to the bedroom nearly two hours later. My hair was pin-straight, flowing down my back in strands that shimmered like silk. It had taken plenty of time and chemicals, but I had to admit I loved the effect. My hair looked soft enough to make it tempting to reach out and touch; I was praying it had this effect on Edward.

"Ok, now, don't you dare try and tell me that hideous department store dress is better," Alice lectured as she reached for the garment bag lain across her bed. "I had to call Bergdoff's and talk to this absolutely _stupid_ salesgirl for nearly an hour to get the right dress sent out. So just pretend for me, ok?"

She unzipped the garment bag and drew out the much-fussed over dress. I couldn't help myself; I let loose the tiniest gasp. The dress was breathtaking. It was in the same color family as the midnight blue dress I had selected for myself, but the color was richer, more vibrant. It was simple; two thin straps which tied around my neck, a plunging neckline and a mermaid cut. It would fit like a glove through the waist and hips before flaring out around my legs. No adornments, no fancy embroidery. The back was entirely open. It was everything I had loved about the first dress, done up to Alice's standards in the softest satin I had ever felt.

"Do you like it?" she asked anxiously, much to my surprise. I was used to Alice merely shoving clothes in my direction and demanding I put them on. _Maybe Edward said something to her,_ I thought to myself as I brought my gaze back to Alice's eyes. There was genuine anxiety there. _Strange._

"I love it, Alice," I assured her, running my fingers again over the smooth fabric. "It's breathtaking." I took a deep breath as she began to beam, stepping back toward the bathroom to hang the dress from the top of the door. "Really, Alice, thank you."

"My pleasure!" She pulled the rest of the garment bag away, leaving the dress to shimmer in the light against the stark white of the door. "Now, let's talk about what you're wearing under that dress." The way her eyebrows wiggled at me made me nervous. There was still that other set of tags to contend with…

"Listen, Alice, that's not really…"

"Shush. It is." She tore into the tissue paper, emerging with something small and black. "It's a slip, Bella. You wear it under a dress," she went on, her eyes flashing with amusement as her tone became pedantic. "Really, there's no reason to get upset."

Except this was not like any slip I had ever seen in Renee's closet. This supposed slip looked like it was skin tight, with a very low back. The center panel was sheer lace, cut in an hour glass shape. There was ample padding in the cups to rival any Wonderbra.

And it got worse. From the same bag, Alice produced a set of thigh high stockings and matching panties to go with the alleged slip. "No!" I vehemently objected, thrusting the entire handful of lace back in her direction. "Absolutely not, Alice! Garters? I'm trying to look tempting for Edward, not like a ten cent hooker!"

"Bella, you can't possibly look like a ten cent hooker in a five hundred dollar slip with two hundred dollar stockings!" she protested, frustration evident. "He'll love it, I swear."

"Alice, he's never seen a woman naked. I don't think I need all this!"

"You know he's been to med school a few times, right?"

"That is not the same and you know it!"

She laughed quietly for a moment and then sighed. She took the pile from me, extracted the offending garters and stockings, and handed the rest back. "The slip stays."

I paused for a moment, my face flaming. "I'm only agreeing to this because you wouldn't let me grab my own strapless bra, which works just fine, thank you!"

"But it's not nearly as pretty."

I stomped into the bathroom with a grunt of protest, wondering how on earth I was going to squeeze myself into this slip. The cut of the dress made it look like it would be skin tight through the waist; why was I even going to wear anything at all under it?

By the time I got the slip on, along with matching panties, I felt ridiculous. Looking back at me in the mirror was a girl who looked the part; hair perfect, lips painted, eyes shadowed, with more cleavage than I thought was possible without surgery on my frame. But my cheeks were flushed burgundy in embarrassment. Maybe Alice could wander around for Jasper in nearly a thousand dollars worth of lingerie, but it wasn't my style. I really just wanted to take it all off.

Without putting the dress on, I threw open the bathroom door to find Alice standing in the middle of the room expectantly. Her eyes widened when she realized I wasn't wearing the dress. "Bella, I really don't think they'll let you in like that," she admonished lightly, a twinkle of laughter in her eye.

While I had been getting changed, Alice had slipped into her own dress. It was bright red satin, but knee length where mine went to the floor. There was delicate beading along the bust, cut into a sweetheart neckline. No straps. She had also slid her feet into a pair of black satin heels, giving her already shapely legs a boost. To top it all off, she looked perfectly comfortable in her outfit.

"I can't do this, Alice! This isn't me, at all."

"Bella, just put the dress on. You'll look amazing – with it on, or off." She grinned widely, ushering me back toward the bathroom door. Reaching up, she eased the dress off the hanger and pulled down the zipper. "Besides, now I've seen you in only the slip. I can keep the memory stored up for the right moment."

I glared at her as she lowered the dress over my head, sucking my breath in as she pulled the zipper up. But I couldn't bring myself to protest. It actually seemed like a halfway decent plan. I knew I would spend the night feeling out of place and tense, thanks to Edward's demand to go to the dance; it served him right if he found himself just a little keyed up.

"Wow," Alice murmured quietly as our eyes met in the mirror when I finally looked up. "You look amazing."

I forced a smile, trying to take an objective look at myself. The dress fit perfectly, hugging my waist and hips tightly before flaring out around my legs. The neckline was much lower than I was used to, but thanks to Alice, it was completely filled out…and then some. The ties were soft satin, neatly knotted at the base of my neck. My hair fell around my shoulders, the makeup Alice had expertly applied hiding all the blemishes I usually spied in the mirror.

"Now don't fight with him about this tonight. It'll just spoil everything," Alice said from behind me. She held a small jewelry box in her hand which she immediately popped open. Two diamond studs were waiting for me. They were huge.

"Alice! No! You tell him absolutely not! Those must have been thousands!" I spun around to face her, involuntarily loving how the satin swirled around my feet.

"Bella, you're ridiculous. They certainly didn't cost much more than that dress. Especially when we add in the slip and the shoes I have waiting for you."

"You're not helping!"

"You know he's not going to let you give them back. Just put them on, Bella." Alice's tone was stern and she had me cornered in the bathroom. "Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is."

"The big deal is that you two spent far too much on me! I knew this dress was expensive, but not diamond earrings expensive!" I could feel my heart beginning to race, panic setting in. I couldn't accept such an extravagant gift. I flushed deeply, remembering my earlier train of thought. Edward was giving me diamonds. _Edward wants me to wear diamonds, tonight, and Alice spent a small fortune on my attire._

"Breathe, Bella, breathe. I can go get Jasper if you need to calm down."

I glared at her, resting my palms against the vanity for one long moment as I drew deep breath after deep breath down into my lungs. "No, thank you. I just want Edward." _So I can kill him,_ I mentally tacked up as I straightened up.

"Well, then put the earrings on. And the shoes. Then you can have him!" _She makes it sound so simple_, I grumbled silently as I followed her back into the bedroom. A fairly simple pair of black satin heels was waiting for me, not so far off from the ones Alice herself was wearing. The soles were red, which was neat, but the heel was outrageously high. I was certain to kill myself walking down the stairs at the Cullen house, never mind trying to dance with Edward. Over the last week he had insisted on making me practice in the privacy of his backyard, or my bedroom, but I still thought I would be doing some serious damage to his shoes.

"Do I even want to know what these cost?" I demanded as I slid my feet into the shoes. _Yep, definitely very, very high. But surprisingly comfortable. They must have been expensive._

"Even if you do, I'm not telling you after the way you've been carrying on!" Alice grinning triumphantly as I finally stood before her, completely done up as she saw fit. I hoped Edward had no intention of leaving my side that night; I was going to need him to help me walk.

Thankfully, Alice came to loop her arm through mine before leading me out of her bedroom. Edward was waiting for us at the stairs, sitting calmly on the set that led up to his third floor bedroom. For a brief second, I wished Alice were going down the stairs and Edward and I up, alone, to the third floor before sighing heavily. That wasn't going to happen. Alice – and Edward for that matter – were determined to make me go to the stupid dance. So I was going.

"Bella…" Edward breathed my name out more than said it, rushing to his feet. He went to kiss me, but was quickly stopped by Alice's loud throat clearing. Apparently I would mess up my makeup if I let him kiss me. Instead he wrapped me tightly in his arms, his breath cool against my ear as he whispered, "You look amazing."

"You are in so much trouble," I whispered back, keeping my voice low and throaty. I wasn't soon going to forget about the sneak attack gift he had bestowed on me through Alice. He could suffer a little.

He grinned, looping his arm through mine. Alice had descended the stairs already, leaving us momentarily alone. "We will see about that."

Inspiration hit in a flash. "Why don't you just ask Alice about _all_ the stuff she went out and got for me to wear tonight? Maybe then you'll agree it was a bit over the top."

Looking momentarily puzzled, he simply nodded before leading me down the stairs. I put most of my weight on Edward, letting him practically carry me down the stairs with one arm wrapped securely around my waist. _Maybe I'll be skipping the punch after all; I can barely stand in these damned shoes stone cold sober._

Alice and Jasper were waiting near the front door, the rest of the family long gone on their weekend getaway. Alice and Jasper made a striking pair; he wore a carefully tailored black suit, a black shirt and a red silk tie dyed to match Alice's dress exactly. It was then that I noticed Edward's clothes; his tie matched my dress. Alice had clearly planned down to the tiniest detail.

I turned my attention fully to Edward, giving myself a long moment to drink in how delicious he looked. His hair was an artfully tousled mess I longed to run my fingers through, his jacket highlighted the broadness of his shoulders, and his topaz eyes were dark with intensity as he met my stare. A powerful rush of lust ran through me as I stared back, wanting nothing more than to throw myself into his arms. I bit down on my bottom lip without realizing it, taking the small step forward that would put me completely into Edward's arms.

"Guys!" Jasper protested, breaking me out of the spell. He was helping Alice into her coat, his expression strained. "Please! Keep it to yourselves. I can't…Alice?" He looked to her, a helpless expression on his face.

Alice smirked, leaning forward to kiss him lightly before turning back to us. "Edward, control yourself. Bella, save it for later. When I get Jasper all to myself tonight, I want to know he wants me because I'm just that wonderful, not because you two are projecting!"

My face flushed deeply and I abandoned my earlier plan to nudge Alice into thinking about the slip I was wearing. Apparently Edward didn't need to know that much about what I was wearing to want me as badly as I wanted him in that moment – which suited me just fine.

"Alice, why don't you and Jasper get going then? I want a moment alone with Bella," Edward said with a smirk, making a shooing motion at his sister.

Her eyes narrowed slightly as she reached for Jasper's hand. "Don't you dare mess up that makeup, Edward. I promised Esme I'd make sure you got at least one decent shot taken."

With her heels clicking loudly against the wood floor, she tugged Jasper after her toward the garage. He shrugged apologetically in our direction as he was led off, but there was a huge smile on his face. I figured he was looking forward to some extended alone time with Alice. _Speaking of… _

"So what did you need me all alone for?" I asked, turning back to Edward. "Turns out we're going to be alone all night…"

"About that…" He sighed, taking a step back from me so our bodies were no longer pressed quiet so tightly together. "Bella…I do not know what you are expecting tonight but I…Alice arranged this for us, ok? I did not ask her to do this. We have been over what can…and cannot…happen here tonight."

"I know that," I replied, struggling to keep my voice even. It felt like he was rejecting me before our night had even begun and I hated it.

"Do you?"

"Yes." I was irritated now. "I get it, Edward. You don't want anything to happen between us tonight other than the usual. Fine. Now can we go?"

"You are upset."

"No, I'm not. It's fine. I know. I just don't want to be late."

"Bella you could care less about this dance. I know you are going just for me." He leaned down, forcing his gaze into my line of sight. I was struggling not to cry with the rejection I felt welling up inside me. _Some plan,_ I thought bitterly at Alice. _This isn't going to work at all._

"It's fine, Edward," I repeated through gritted teeth. "Can we just get this over with, please?"

He studied me quietly for a moment, then nodded and grabbed the keys from the side table. To my relief, it was the set belonging to the Volvo. I had no desire to draw even further attention to ourselves by driving Edward's other much more exorbitant car.

The drive to the school was tense and silent. Edward knew I was bothered by our conversation, but also knew I didn't want to talk about it. Which I didn't. I wanted the stupid dance to be over so I could go home, put on my sweatpants and have a nice evening with Ben and Jerry. It would be easy enough to explain to Charlie that something came up last minute for Alice and I decided to just stay home. Surely then Edward wouldn't have to worry about anything happening between us.

Edward parked the car and was instantly outside my door, ready to help me out. I forced myself to take his hand and try to appear graceful. Slamming the door shut behind me, I took a deep breath and started off in the direction of the gym.

"Bella…" Edward reached out and pulled me back to him. He said nothing else for a long moment, his intense stare holding me captive for a long silent moment. "It is not…I want you, ok? Right here, right now. In this parking lot. That dress…I want to just…I want to…" His voice trailed off, thick with lust. "We just cannot."

"I know," I snapped back impatiently. "I've been told plenty of times before. I'm familiar with it. Now can we please go?" He looked like he was ready to push back again, but at the last minute merely nodded. I was tired of being told no. I didn't much care for Edward's excuses, and I certainly didn't want to hear them over and over again.

Teetering toward the door with Edward's support, we rejoined Alice and Jasper right before going in. Jasper looked puzzled as his gaze swept from me to Edward; I assumed he could feel the tension and wondered how we had switched moods so quickly.

_Fuck Edward and fuck his stupid rules,_ I silently fumed as we got into the small line. Edward had our tickets in his jacket pocket, so I was left to merely stand and wait. _Fuck him and his, why, Bella, you look so lovely but I just can't touch you attitude. Fuck being well behaved. I really hope Mike spiked that punch._

If Edward wanted to play it that way, then fine. I had allowed Alice hours of poking and prodding, all in hopes that Edward would take one look at me and appreciate it. It certainly hadn't been for my own vanity. I had wires sticking me in places I really didn't enjoy being stuck, all for his benefit. It didn't seem fair that in spite of all of it, Edward managed to make me feel rejected.

"Hey, Alice," I called casually as she and Jasper began to walk in behind us. She looked up as we paused, her and Jasper now joining us as we went to step through the door. "Where did you get this dress again? I know Jessica will ask."

"Bergdoff's," she answered with a hint of suspicion in her voice. Edward shot her a questioning look, which she merely shrugged off.

"Oh, ok. I'll try and remember that. What about the slip? It's so soft on my skin." Edward's eyes widened perceivably at my words, his gaze shooting back to Alice. His entire body went rigid beside me as Alice met his gaze, a small smile on her lips as she went to answer. "Oh, never mind," I cut her off, flashing my own brilliant smile. "I remember now."

I tugged on Edward's hand, moving toward the door. "Just a minute," he said quietly, his voice low and strained. He pulled me against his side, allowing Jasper and Alice to pass.

"Well played," Alice whispered so softly I barely heard her as she slid past me with Jasper. I knew Edward would have heard her, and I knew he was about to give me hell for it.

"Are you trying to get yourself killed?" he whispered when they were out of earshot, tugging me tightly against him. His tone was brusque, rough, but his hands gentle as they roamed across my body. He traced the lines of my waist, circling around my back before sliding low on my hip. I was certain he could feel the fabric beneath the satin, and half wondered if he was tracing the lines on purposes. We were standing in the shadows, unseen by anyone unless they were looking. Edward's fingers trailed back around my waist, tracing the exact place the see-through lace panel was. Yes, he definitely was doing it on purpose.

"You would never hurt me."

He swallowed thickly, the darkness not quite dark enough to hide the expression on his face. "Not on purpose," he murmured, one finger still delicately tracing the lines of the slip beneath. "That was not very nice, what you just made Alice do to me."

"Me?" I asked innocently, tossing my hair over my shoulder. "I have no idea what you're talking about. You know as well as I do that Jessica is going to ask about the dress."

"Yes. But not about what is under it." His voice came out nearly as a growl, his grip on my waist tightening. "You have no idea how badly I want to skip this dance right now." His darkened eyes met mine, burning. "You have no idea how badly I want to be alone with you right now."

"We are alone."

He chuckled, running both hands down along my sides before coming to a halt on my hips. With one quick movement, he had me pressed tightly to him. I no longer doubted him as to how much he wanted me; the evidence was quiet plain. "Not alone enough. And Alice demanded we took pictures before…before I mess up your makeup."

"Screw Alice."

"It is for Esme too," he said gently. With one final sigh, he nudged us back out of the shadows and toward the door.

"Promise me we won't stay long."

"We will stay as long as Alice and Jasper stay. You are supposed to be spending the night with her, remember? Pretenses, Bella. This is a small town. Your father hates me enough."

"Fine," I agreed begrudgingly. "But if you're making me stay, I'm getting punch. Want some?"

He sighed heavily, shaking his head at me. "No, Bella. One of us should keep their senses alert."

"You act like we're under attack. It's just a dance."

Our eyes met briefly as he smiled his crooked smile. I could have sworn I saw a flash of worry, but chalked it up to my imagination and the poor lighting. Jessica's decorations looked over the top from what I could see in the dim light, but I supposed she intended it to be that way. The darkness afforded plenty of ways to keep just about anything hidden…

chap title taken from a kate voegele song


	16. she said, the battle's almost won

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

XVI. she said the battle's almost won

"Bella!" Jessica cried, the high pitch of her voice carrying over the loud music as Edward and I made our way into the gym. The briefest flash of a grimace crossed Edward's face, but by the time she reached us he had schooled his expression back into one of absolute calm. "Edward," she said more coolly as she reached us.

"Hi, Jess. The decorations are beautiful!" I enthused, looking around. It was plain we were still in the gym, but it was as festive as I had seen it during my years at Forks High. The school colors being green and white, the gym was filled with every decoration imaginable in those shades. It looked a tad like St. Patrick's Day gone wrong, but there was enough football memorabilia to keep the focus on the team…the team that had won and was definitely already celebrating. Mike was with them, red faced and jubilant.

"Thanks!" Jessica beamed back at me, shooting a sideways glance at Edward. She rolled her eyes at him, then reached out to snatch my hand and lead me away. For a moment I thought he would protest, but he stayed put. I could still feel his eyes on me as Jessica led me away.

"That dress is gorgeous," she gushed, her voice dripping jealousy. "You've been holding out on me. What happened to the one you got when we went shopping?"

"Alice," I replied wryly. "Alice happened."

"Well at least Edward is good for that much. She's so rude, but that girl does have excellent taste." I bit my lip, fighting a smirk. _Of all people to call others rude… _

"Bella! C'mon, tell me!"

I realized Jessica had asked again where the dress came from and shook myself out of my thoughts. "Uh, she said she had it shipped from some place called Bergdoff's. I have no idea where it is."

"What?!"

"Ber-"

"No, I know what it is!" Jessica's eyes were wide enough to pop out of her head. If I didn't know the entire room was covered in green decorations, I could have very readily believed the green tint on her pale skin was from envy. "How do _you_ not know? It's only, like, one of _the_ stores in New York City!"

"Jess, you know fashion isn't my thing."

"This is so unfair. That dress is completely wasted on you."

"Thanks." I rolled my eyes, skimming the room over her head for Edward. I was very much hoping he would soon come save me from the conversation I was stuck in.

"What about shoes? Are those from Bergdoff's too? You're so tall with them on!"

"I'm barely five-seven with the shoes on," I reminded her. "And I have no idea. They've got red soles. Does that help?"

"You don't know what that means, do you?"

"Obviously not."

"You're a lost cause, Bella, a lost cause." Her eyes narrowed at me, zeroing in on the ridiculous earrings I had yet to ream Edward out for. Alice had very nicely asked me to leave it be for the night, and I was going to do just that – for the night. "And where did you get those earrings?"

"They're fake," I lied, my face flaming under her scrutiny. I was beginning to wonder if maybe Edward had been wrong when he said Jessica wasn't going to ask about the slip; she had asked about every other detail of my outfit.

"They're awfully sparkly for fakes."

"Did you really need to pull me away from Edward for this?" I demanded, forcing a change of subject.

She wrinkled her nose, her eyes skimming the room for Edward before she spoke. I knew when her gaze found him, her face scrunching up into a look of distaste. "Bella, really, sister with great fashion sense aside, what are you doing with him? He, like, broke your heart. You turned into a real crazy bitch for a while there thanks to him. I like Jacob better," she added on, right when I thought the conversation couldn't get worse. "You aren't being very nice to him."

"I've tried," I told her through gritted teeth. I remembered the call I had made that morning, the near certainty he had ignored my call stinging freshly. "And you don't know Edward like I do."

Jessica scoffed, rolling her eyes and turning back to me. I suspected his rejection of her still smarted from when the Cullen family had first descended upon Forks. "Whatever, Bella. Anyway, Mike and the boys have outdone themselves a bit this year," she whispered in a conspiratorial voice, leaning closer. She looked around anxiously for a quick second, then reached into her evening bag. Her fingers emerged wrapped tightly around two small glass bottles filled with clear liquid. "Peach or strawberry?"

"Peach or strawberry what?"

"Vodka." Mischief glinted in her eyes as she looked furtively around. "They're adding some stuff to the punch later, when the teachers are less suspicious. But Mike managed to get these for before." At my hesitation, she rolled her eyes again and held the bottles out to me. "I thought you said you wanted to have fun tonight."

"I do." I eyed the clear liquid, second-guessing myself. But as I looked up, Edward's eyes met mine across the dance floor. He smiled at me, but it was a gentle smile and nothing more. Remembering the rejection I had felt earlier, I snatched the strawberry bottle from Jessica. We were standing against one of the far walls, deep in shadow, so I twisted the top off and quickly downed the contents of the small bottle. It burnt horribly as it went down my throat.

"That's awful," I told Jessica, handing her back the empty bottle. She twisted the cap back on and shoved it into her purse.

"Don't be a baby, Bella," she chided, linking her arm through mine. "Now let's go find Mike and Jacob."

"Jacob?!" I demanded, digging my nails into her arm and stopping her in her tracks. "Jess, what do you mean Jacob?"

"Oh, Mike told him to come and hang out with the guys. Did I forget to tell you?"

"Yes. You did." I glared at her, my cheeks flushing with rage. "What the fuck, Jess? You know I haven't talked to him since Edward came back."

"Yeah," she replied defensively, crossing her arms across her chest. "That's exactly why he's here. He was right, about Edward, you know. Him leaving and all. You were so much happier with Jacob than you've been in the last month with Edward."

"This is none of your business," I snapped, snatching my arm back out of her grasp. "I can't believe you did this to me, to Edward."

"I couldn't give a shit about Edward."

"You're unbelievable." I offered her one final glare before stalking off in the direction I had last seen Edward. The shoes were making a dramatic, quick exit a near impossibility.

"There you are," he suddenly whispered in my ear, his breath cool. I shivered involuntarily, leaning back against him. With one arm looped around my waist to guide me, Edward slowly walked us to a table where Alice and Jasper awaited. It wasn't until I had taken my seat that I noticed the grim set of Edward's jaw.

"What's wrong?"

He stated at me blankly for a long moment before sighing heavily. "I heard you and Jessica talking. I know he is here. And I know what he is thinking about," he muttered at the end, tone darkening significantly.

"Edward, I didn't know," I told him, reaching for his hands and curling my own into them. My cheeks felt warm and I wasn't sure if it was the tightly packed space of the gym or the vodka. I could count the amount of times I had been drinking on one hand; the sudden rush of hard liquor into my system was already having an effect.

"I'm sorry, Edward," Alice apologized from across the table. Her brow was furrowed, her entire expression anxious. "It's like I can't see anything when it comes to them. I think that's why I never saw him pull Bella out of the water. It's all blank!" She slammed her palm down against the table, clearly frustrated. The table shook violently under the blow, but stayed standing. The pulse of the music prevented anyone around us from noticing.

He stayed silent, brooding for a long stretch. I glanced over at Alice and Jasper, silently willing them to help. If Alice left, I could leave. If I left, Edward would leave. No one would have to speak to Jacob and the whole mess would be avoided. Unfortunately for me, they were much too absorbed in whatever silent conversation went on between them to notice my growing impatience. _I didn't even want to come to this stupid dance,_ I thought sourly.

As my eyes roamed the floor, I spotted Jessica hovering near the punch with Mike and a guilty expression on her face. _Problem solved,_ I told myself, muttering a few words before stepping away from the table. I was wobbly on the shoes, but not entirely in danger of face-planting before the whole school.

Mike had a cup waiting for me, decidedly less red, more pink than at previous dances. I sniffed at it warily, but to my surprise smelled only the fruitiness of the punch. Taking a small sip, there was only the faint burn in the back of my throat to tell me the punch was heavily spiked. "This doesn't even taste like alcohol," I said quietly, turning a surprised face to Jessica. She only giggled. "Yeah, that's what's so great about it!"

_Great, or possibly dangerous._ I afforded myself one small, sly smile as I thought of Edward sitting across the room. There were things I wanted to say, things I wanted to do that I was much too embarrassed to do sober. With a little bit of Mike's punch, I was certain I would be able to loosen my tongue. Envisioning Edward without a shirt on made a flush rise in my cheeks. I didn't even care it was likely we would be sleeping on his black leather couch; if Edward was not going to be fully dressed, I wouldn't trade for the most comfortable bed in the world.

"Bella!" Jessica voice was sharp and annoyed. It seemed I had been ignoring her again, lost in my Edward fantasy. "You really are a lightweight, aren't you?" She shook her head, downing the last of her punch before grabbing my hand and pulling. "C'mon, let's dance."

"I don't think so." I had managed to convince myself I could sway in a circle with Edward's arms wrapped securely around me, but the music playing was upbeat with a rhythm I could barely follow. I knew Edward was watching from afar and refused to give him the impression I needed additional dance lessons.

I turned toward Mike for help, but all he offered was a smirk. "Just go dance with her, Bella. Have fun, live a little."

Biting down on my lip, I glanced over my shoulder at Edward. To my surprise, the table he had been at with Alice and Jasper was now empty. I craned my neck, trying to see his messy bronze hair above the crowd, to no avail.

Opening my mouth to protest, I was met with Jessica's glare. She gave a sharp tug on my hand that nearly threw my entire balance off. "C'_mon_," she insisted, pulling in the direction of the dance floor. I shot Mike one last pleading stare, but all he did was lift his glass in my direction with another smirk.

Jessica was not satisfied until she had dragged us into the middle of the crowd; only when we were surrounded a warm press of bodies did she release her hold on my hand. By then it was too late for me to escape.

I stood awkwardly in place, my face flaming with punch and embarrassment. My arms had a slight tingle to them and I felt the over whelming urge to giggle. Eyeing Jessica, she had none of the qualms I did about being in the middle of the crowd; she had found the rhythm of the song and was moving along with it.

"Bella, dance with me!" she insisted, grabbing my hands with hers. She surprised me by turning around, pressing herself against me. "Don't you know anything about men?" she demanded in my ear, her hips grinding back against mine. "They like to watch."

I followed her stare to where Mike stood just off the dance floor, his eyes wide and definitely focused only on the two of us. Edward was nowhere to be seen, but I knew if he got one glimpse of the way Mike was looking at me, he would probably flip out. Not to mention the fact that Edward would have the accompanying soundtrack of Mike's thoughts to go with his blatant stare; Mike was staring at Jessica and I like he had never seen a girl before.

"Bella! Can you at least pretend to be dancing with me?" Jessica demanded in a hiss. She grabbed my hands and put them to her hips, pressing us together more tightly, satin on satin. The fabric of our dresses slid easily against each other, making the movements the beat required slightly easier.

"Fuck it," I mumbled under my breath, closing my eyes and searching out the rhythm. I mimicked Jessica's movements, too afraid to open my eyes and see the look on Mike's face again. I didn't want him staring at me with such obvious desire; I wanted it to be Edward.

Even if Edward were standing beside Mike, I wasn't certain he would be wearing the same expression. Edward was annoyed by Jessica on a good day, never mind what he really thought of the girl. Not to mention, I was not entirely sure his turn-of-the-century mortality would find anything seductive about two girls getting all hot and bothered together. I was running out of things I thought Edward may find seductive.

The song, mercifully, was nearly over. I opened my eyes for a fraction of a second, searching for Edward in the crowd. He was still nowhere to be seen. Mike was already making his way out onto the floor, fresh punch cups in hand. I was too hot from dancing to even care about the look on his face; I just wanted the blissfully cold cup of punch.

"Ladies," he said by way of greeting, handing Jessica her drink before offering me the other. I greedily sucked it down, momentarily losing myself in the burning sensation of the cold drink. I giggled at the expression on Mike's face, my entire face flushed.

There was a pause before the next song started, and Jessica was now standing harmlessly beside me. It was clear from Mike's ravenous expression that he was still imagining us otherwise engaged. "Bella, I think you're a little drunk," Jessica said when her eyes settled on me. "I should have known you would be a lightweight."

"I never drink!" I protested, fanning myself with my hands. But I couldn't tell if the heat in my face was from more the embarrassment of being forced to dance or the alcohol. I swallowed the last of my drink, handing the cup back off to Mike. The next song had begun, the slow chords a sign for couples to press themselves together around me. With Edward nowhere in sight, my plan was to get out of the gym for a few minutes and get some air.

Unsteady in the shoes, I slowly made my way to a side door and pushed it open. The night air was blissfully cool, the side of the building dark. There was a light at the corner, but other than that it was only up to the moon to light the way. I leaned back against the brick, hoping I was not about to snag my dress on the rough surface. I let my eyes slip closed and breathed in the night, taking deep breaths of the cool, damp air. With any luck, Alice would soon have had her fill of the dance and I could escape with Edward.

Strong arms wrapped around my waist from my side, turning me against a muscular chest. I sighed contentedly, glad Edward had finally found me. We were more alone now than we had been before; maybe, Edward had seen the dance with Jessica and was affected after all.

Yet there was something wrong. The chest I leaned back against was strong, yes, but had a human softness to it…and the hands that held me tight were warm through the layers of clothes I wore.

"You look beautiful tonight, Bella," Jacob's husky voice whispered in my ear. His grip tightened as I tried to get out of his arms. "And you looked pretty hot out there dancing. I thought you didn't know how to dance."

"I don't," I snapped, tugging against his arms. He reluctantly released me, his eyes shamelessly roaming my body as I turned to face him. "What are you doing here, Jake? You know I'm here with Edward."

"Yeah, I know. I came because Mike asked me to. It had nothing to do with you." I could tell he was lying, his dark eyes refusing to meet mine. He was dressed fairly casually in dress pants and a button up shirt, no tie. The sleeves were rolled to the elbow, the white of the shirt shining in contrast to his almond skin.

"You knew I would be here," I challenged, wishing I could force more anger in the words than I had. The truth was, in my increasingly cloudy opinion, leaning back against Jacob hadn't been so bad.

When Jacob didn't say anything, I attempted to shove past him back toward the door before we went any farther down memory lane. I needed to find Edward before the punch hit me any harder. It was true I had come into the gym that night prepared to make questionable decisions, but I had counted on them involving Edward.

I tripped over the hem of my dress as I tried to get around Jacob, stumbling slightly. Thankfully, I didn't fall to the ground, catching myself with one hand out against the brick. Jacob snorted from behind me.

"Thanks for helping," I snapped, preparing to stalk off into the night.

"You're drunk, aren't you?" He was behind me again, his hands falling lightly on my hips. "I remember a couple of drunken nights we had ourselves…"

"Jacob!" I spun around, my vision unfortunately not keeping time with my body. I stumbled against him, which being Jacob, he interpreted as eagerness. His arms encircled me again, their strength crushing me to him.

"I've missed you, ya know," he said quietly, the humor gone from his eyes. I leaned back away from him, wishing desperately I had stayed inside. The sorrow in his eyes made me cringe. "I wasn't going to come here tonight. But then you called this morning, and I thought…"

"You ignored my call," I reminded him. With a heavy sigh, I reached behind me to where his hands rested on my hips and gently detached them. "Time and place, Jake. You and Edward both need to learn that."

"Don't compare me to him," he snapped back savagely. He ran his fingers over his hair, shorn much shorter than the last time I had seen him. "I'd never leave you, Bella. I would never have let another man put you back together after I hurt you. I would never come back right when you were happy, and moving on with your life." With each word, his voice grew more bitter, the words twisting like snakes in the air.

"Jake…"

"Bella, it's fine. Really. I'm sorry. I'll go. You look beautiful." His voice sounded so sad it nearly broke my heart. He took one step forward, planted a gentle kiss against my forehead and melted away into the night.

I heaved a huge sigh, fighting the urge to cry. _It's just the vodka making you emotional,_ I told myself, turning to go back to the dance. Edward was sure to be looking for me.

_Or not. _

Edward was leaning against the building as I turned, his face a stony mask. He was watching me with a detached, careful expression on his face, but his entire body was rigid with tension. "There you are," he said as I approached, his voice cold. "I was wondering where you went. Mike said you and Jessica had been…dancing." His eyes flashed momentarily with irritation before his face settled back into the blank mask. "He thought you came out here for some air. I see that was not the case at all."

"I did!" I protested, annoyed at the accusatory tone and cold treatment. "I had no idea Jacob was out here. Whatever it is you think you saw…"

"What I think I saw? I was standing right here, Bella. I saw him come out, I saw you lean back against him, almost as if you were expecting him." He narrowed his eyes at me, hurt and rage creeping into his gaze. "How is that any different than what happened?"

"Oh my god. Edward, I thought he was _you_!" I glared at him, unsure whether it was the accusation or the spying that upset me more. "I thought _you_ had followed me out here. Silly me. I thought maybe, _like_ _any other guy in there_, you might have appreciated my dance with Jess and wanted some alone time. I had no idea Jacob was even here!"

"Bella, I already told you what our alone time will consist of tonight," he growled back, slamming his hand against the brick in frustration. A cloud of dust rose, a fist shaped imprint left in the brick.

"You are un-fucking-believable." I turned around, wrenching open the door and stomping back into the dance. Edward would have to move at a human pace while we were surrounded by so many people, which I used to my advantage.

Spotting Jessica talking to a few girls I didn't know, I made a beeline for her. Not caring that I was interrupting her conversation, I grabbed her arm and pulled her away.

"What the hell, Bella?" she demanded, rubbing the spot on her arm where I had dug my nails in. "Jake find you?"

"Yes," I spat back. "Yes, Jess, he found me. And Edward found us. Wonder how that happened."

"Oh, please, don't look at me like that." She shrugged her shoulders, taking a sip from her drink. Her eyes were half closed, her words slurred. "I sent Jake after you. He just wanted to talk, Bella! I had nothing to do with Edward. You should ask your dear friend Alice. He went running off after you after talking to _her_."

I did a quick survey of the room, looking for the bright red of Alice's dress. She was nowhere to be seen. I turned back to Jessica, who was still nonchalantly sipping her drink. "You're drunk," I told her, forcing as much nastiness into the words as possible. Without another word, I took her glass and downed the contents.

"You're a bitch sometimes, Bella Swan." Jessica glared at me and the empty cup. "Whatever. I'll just go have Mike make me another. You know that wasn't just the punch, right?"

I stared at the glass in my hand in horror at her tone. She sounded a little too smug for my liking. It was true the drink had burned more than the glasses of punch I had had earlier in the night, but I figured we were just getting toward the bottom of the bowl where the alcohol had settled.

Taking apparent satisfaction in my puzzlement, Jessica said, "That was a whole bunch of stuff with the punch. Mike's been making them for me. I have no idea what's in them, but they're _really_ strong." As if to emphasize her point, she swayed slightly; if there had not been a chair for her to grab on to, she probably would have fallen. She giggled, then looked back up at me. "Hey, want to dance again? Mike said we were the hottest thing he's seen here tonight."

"No, I think I want to leave," I told her, setting the glass down. I was already working toward drunk myself; I could feel the thickness of my tongue when I tried to speak, the flush in my cheeks. If I could find Alice and convince her to bring me home, the night just might not end in total disaster.

On increasingly unsteady feet I worked my way around the gym, searching for any trace of Jasper or Alice. When the search failed, I headed for the parking lot to check if the Porsche was still here. I had gone maybe three or four steps beyond the first line of cars when Edward appeared out of nowhere.

"I am taking you home," he informed me, blocking my path. His words vibrated with barely controlled rage. "You are drunk. I can smell it."

"So?" I demanded, glaring at him with all the irritation I could muster. "And I don't want you to take me home. I want Alice."

"Well that is just too bad because she and Jasper have already left." I opened my mouth to protest, but it was too late. Edward had closed the distance between us and unceremoniously slung me over his shoulder.

"Put me down," I hissed, hitting his back. My face flamed with embarrassment at the thought of anyone seeing the display of ridiculousness from Edward. "I'm perfectly capable of walking on my own."

He didn't answer me, which I found infuriating. I tried to hit him a few more times, but I only succeeded in hurting my own palms.

When we reached the car, I was dumped into the passenger seat of the Volvo. Too quickly for my eyes to follow, Edward had me buckled in and himself in the driver's seat. We were moving before I could form words. "You're an asshole," I told him matter-of-factly. I folded my arms across my chest, furious. _How dare he pick me up like a sack of potatoes? And just because he saw me talking to my ex?_ Any other day, the possessiveness may have been a turn on, but in that moment it just infuriated me.

"That is nice, Bella. I will remind you that you said that when you are sober." His voice was level, but even in the darkness of the car I could see the set of his jaw. The speedometer revealed we were going well over ninety on the narrow back roads of Forks.

"I thought you were taking me home?" I snapped, glaring out the window.

"Oh, you want me to bring you back to your father drunk? That is an excellent idea."

Charlie. It hadn't even occurred to me that he would know I was drunk the minute I stepped in the door; in our fairly small town, one of the only things to do for a bunch of bored high school kids was to raid their parents' liquor supplies. Charlie had dealt with plenty of underage drinkers in his tenure with the police; to find his own daughter in such a state would have not been pretty.

"I didn't think about that part," I admitted begrudgingly. We were nearly back to the Cullen mansion, which was little surprise considering the violent manner in which Edward whipped the car around turns. Even my ears could hear the tires whine in protest.

"No, of course you did not," he snapped back. The viciousness of his tone frightened me; Edward had never spoken to me so harshly before. We passed the rest of the ride in silence, which thankfully was not more than a few minutes.

Edward didn't bother to park the car in the garage, instead pulling up to the front door. He was outside my door before I could open it myself. Too quickly for me to protest I found myself once again staring at his backside. Without stopping, he took the three flights of stairs directly to his room. The door slammed behind us and I found myself dropped on his bed.

_When did Edward get a bed?_ I stared at him in puzzlement, squeezing my eyes shut for a moment to try and clear the dizziness. The speed of our movement coupled with the alcohol was making focus a very difficult concept.

Edward, meanwhile, was wearing a path into his floor. He paced furiously, moving so quickly my eyes could barely follow. It was clear he was in a rage, but as to why, I had no idea.

At a loss for anything else to say, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Why did you get a bed?"

He stopped suddenly, his expression morphing completely. His face looked such that if he could have blushed, I believed he would have. Instead, he opened his mouth to speak, but then slammed it shut. His eyebrows knit together, one hand going to his hair. When he finally spoke, his voice had lost much of the rage it had had in the car.

"I thought…I thought I should."

"This was all your idea? Not Alice's?"

He stayed silent for a long moment, a pained expression on his face. "I got it right after I saw you again," he whispered, his voice coated in embarrassment and…guilt? "I, um, well I thought it likely you might spend the night at some point."

I narrowed my eyes at him. Edward had made me feel undesirable and rejected, yet he had gone out to buy a bed within days of seeing me again? Sleepless Edward had only one use for the bed and it was a use he had expressly forbidden earlier in the evening.

"You're such a hypocrite," I told him, flopping back against the pillows. Sitting up was requiring too much effort. I closed my eyes, letting the haze of alcohol settle into my limbs. "You tell me earlier today that there's nothing we can do that requires the use of this rather large, comfortable bed. Some part of you must want to use this bed. Not to mention, you hauled me out of that dance like a caveman just because I was talking to Jacob. And where did you bring me? Oh, right, to the _bed_." I opened my eyes to peek at him. He was standing where he had been, glowering at me.

When he didn't say anything, I huffed loudly and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I was tired of the dress. "Please tell me there's a toothbrush in your bathroom."

"Alice left a bag in there for you," he answered in a strangled voice. "It should have everything you need."

The tone of his voice piqued my curiosity. He had lost the rage completely, and the embarrassment. Now it sounded like he was grasping at tenuously held control. During his pacing, he had managed to remove his tie and jacket. His shirtsleeves were pushed to his elbows, the first few buttons undone to expose part of his chest. The dress pants fit snugly in the hips. Staring so blatantly at him, I bit down on my bottom lip. I had suddenly recognized Edward's expression as one of barely controlled lust.

Instead of walking toward the bathroom, I walked in Edward's direction. I still had the heels on so my strides were slow, purposeful, as I tried to keep from tripping. Without a word, I stopped inches from him before spinning around. "I need you to unzip me," I told him, fighting to keep my voice from shaking. "The zipper is too low for me to reach."

I heard the sharp intake of breath just before I felt his cool touch on my skin above the zipper. Very slowly, the zipper worked its way down until Edward's hands came to a stop. He removed them quickly, too quickly. It gave him away.

Emboldened by the alcohol, I turned back to face him, my fingers quickly pulling out the knot at the base of my neck as I spun. The dress fell to the ground, leaving me standing before Edward in only the slip and heels.

"You know, in some ways," I began, taking another step closer. I kicked the dress away, terrified of stumbling on it before I continued, "The jealousy is kind of hot."

"I am not jealous of Jacob," he protested, his voice rough. His hands were at his sides, tightly clenched into fists. I reached forward, my fingertips dallying at the opening of his shirt. As they moved to undo the next button, his hands flew into action, grabbing my wrists tightly.

"Don't lie," I cautioned, meeting his stare head on as he looked down at me. His entire body went rigid as I leaned forward, pressing myself to him. He released my hands after a pause, his own settling in their familiar place on my hips.

"I am not lying. I am not jealous of Jacob. I am jealous of every man who looks at you," he whispered in my ear. He pulled back, all attempt at hiding his expression gone. Now he was staring at me like Mike had stared earlier; it sent a shiver down my spine. "You are _mine_."

"Show me, Edward," I told him, a challenge in my tone. "Make me yours."

One hand left my hip, running up along my back until his fingers tangled in my hair. I stayed still while this occurred, waiting to see just how far Edward would go of his own volition. His mouth met mine roughly, his lips insistent and eager. As we kissed, both of his hands began to wander. He contrasted the roughness of his kisses with the softness of his touch, ghosting his fingertips down my back and along my waist.

When I broke our kiss to catch a breath, his mouth never left my skin. Moving down along my jaw, he kissed a path to my neck, lightly sucking on the skin. It was something he had never done before and it raised goosebumps across every inch of me. My fingers found the buttons of his shirt again, but this time met no resistance.

Edward's mouth came back to mine, his lips sucking lightly when they found mine. I reached up, pushing the shirt off his shoulders as he shrugged out of it. The shirt discarded, his hands came back to my body. In one fluid motion, he cupped his hands under my bottom and pulled me up to him while walking us toward the bed. We went tumbling down together in a pile of limbs.

Edward's hands continued to roam in places they had never before been. He ran his fingertips from my knees, up the back of my thighs, and then down again. I took advantage of his distraction to tug at his belt, freeing it from the loops on his pants. I pushed against him, rolling us over so I straddled his hips.

"Bella," he groaned as I settled atop him, aligning our bodies perfectly. I could feel him beneath me as I ground my hips against his, stifling a moan of my own by biting down on my lip. "Bella…you cannot…" I ignored him, running my hands along his chest as I fell into a rhythm against him. He seemed to resist at first, but then I felt his hips rise to meet mine in the tortuously slow rhythm I had set.

He pushed himself up on one elbow, the other hand drawing me back down to him. Distracted by his mouth on mine, I stopped moving against him, my hands reaching between us for the button of his pants. "Do not stop," he demanded in a husky voice, his hands both falling to my hips and guiding me back into motion. "It just feels…so…"

Sitting up, he pulled me with him, keeping the friction we had generated going. One hand steady on my hips to keep me where he wanted me, he brought his mouth against mine once again. In-between kisses, I caught snippets of speech, his voice raw with lust. "Mine," he murmured over and over again, "All mine."

His hand on my hip tightened, his entire body tense. I could feel the building heat welling up myself and knew he had to be close. "Bella…" he moaned, breaking our kiss and burying his face in my neck. "Bella… we… have…to…"

"No, love, this is the best part," I whispered back, emphasizing my point with my hips. "I want this, Edward. I want _you_ to make me feel like this."

He pulled his face back, his eyes meeting mine. They were dark and heavily lidded as he stared back at me, his lips slightly parted. I took the opportunity to press my mouth against his again, kissing him with abandon. Knowing Edward, this loosening of the rules was unlikely to last. I would take advantage while I could.

My breaths were coming in pants, my fingers curled tightly around Edward's shoulders to give me purchase as I moved against him. "Bella," he moaned into my throat, "Bella, I think I am, I think…"

"Don't think." I took his bottom lip between mine, sucking lightly. It was enough to put him over the edge. I felt his body shiver beneath mine, a delicious moan escaping his lips. Rocking against him one final time, my own body shook with a sudden wave of pleasure. Edward's hand curled around my hip held me tightly in place as we shuddered together, lost in the new sensations.

I didn't immediately move when he quieted, instead bringing my mouth back to his. I kissed him like we usually kissed, soft, light, lovingly.

"I love you," he whispered. His hand finally left my hip and I was surprised to find that it ached slightly. _Just how tightly was he holding on?_ Gently, he rolled me over so I lay back against the pillows, his fingers ghosting a trail down along my waist. He drew away from me, looking mortified momentarily. "I, uh…I need to change," he mumbled, moving quickly to his dresser.

"Me too." I sat up, kicking off the shoes that had somehow managed to stay on through out. "Unless of course you'd like me to leave this on." I raised one eyebrow at him, waiting for his response.

He chuckled lightly, turning back to me. "No, Bella, I think you better go take it off."

"You don't want to take it off of me?"

I had slid off the bed to stand before him, trying to keep my balance on shaky legs. He stared down into my eyes for one long moment before gently pushing me toward the bathroom. "I do. That is the problem."

Satisfied, I made my way into the bathroom. A brief investigation of the bag Alice had provided concluded it contained all the human necessities, as well as a delightfully soft pair of sleep shorts and a matching camisole. It was nothing I would have ever picked out for myself – the shorts were dangerously close to being too small to be called such – but they were much more comfortable than anything else Alice had put me in. I spent a few moments with my human needs then took one last look in the mirror.

_Oh, no_, I thought to myself, staring at my reflection. My left hip, around which Edward had so possessively wrapped his fingers, was turning an ugly shade of purple. I lifted the hem of the camisole, only to reveal bruises in the shape of fingerprints. It didn't hurt at all, but I knew Edward would be upset.

I fidgeted with the shorts and top for a moment before going back into his room. My plan was to slide beneath the blankets before he had a chance to notice.

Luckily, Edward was lying on one side of the bed, waiting for me. The only light in the room was the one bedside lamp. I moved as quickly as I could, sliding my feet under the sheets. My buzz from the alcohol had mostly worn off, replaced instead with a contented glow. Edward looked relaxed, propped up on one elbow on his side of the bed. He wore a pair of plain black pajama pants with a white tank top and a heart-stopping grin.

As soon as I was under the covers, he leaned back long enough to turn out the light before drawing me against him. "Edward," I mumbled against his chest, my fingers looping under the hem of his shirt, "Edward, I like you much better without a shirt."

"I see," he said quietly, amusement peppering his voice. "Did you want me to take this one off?"

"Mmm." I leaned back, watching the ripple of muscle in his back and arms in the dim moonlight as he pulled the shirt over his head. Once he had settled back against the pillows again, I pressed my cheek to his cool skin. "I'd also like it if we could have the house to ourselves like this more often."

"Maybe…" He wrapped one arm around me, holding me tightly against him. "This was…uh…easier than I thought it would be."

"Oh?"

He paused for a moment before he said very quietly, "Bella, I want you so badly sometimes, physically, like how a man should want a woman, that nothing else matters. The scent of your blood…it is still a temptation. But it is…when you were…when we were _together_ like that, it did not matter. I had…other…uncontrollable thoughts, other things I wanted." He sounded guilty and embarrassed, which puzzled me.

"You can have me however you want," I replied, snuggling against him closely. Whoever had picked the bed had done a remarkable job; it was insanely comfortable, the sheets delightfully soft.

"You cannot say things like that to me." His voice was thick and strangled, his hands once again roaming over my body. "You have no idea what they do."

"I think I do. I think you did a fine job of showing me just now. Care to show me again?"

"I would gladly show you all night, but I do not want to push our luck. Sleep, Bella, my love. I will be here when you wake up." He pressed a kiss in my hair, beginning to quietly hum my lullaby. I drifted off to sleep with a satisfied smirk for Jessica's sabotage attempt and genuine thanks for having Alice on my side.

Chapter title credit to Maroon 5.


	17. 100 in a 55

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.

17. 100 in a 55

As a vampire, remaining motionless was usually an easy task for me; for many years, it was actually more difficult to remember to force myself to move every now and then, lest it become obvious I was somehow inhuman.

It had been a challenge to remain still the night Bella had so obviously dreamt about me – but that was nothing compared to the torture of remaining still the night of the homecoming dance.

She quickly dropped into what I imagined to be a very contented sleep; she had finally gotten what she had wanted. It would be a lie to say I was not extremely satisfied as well, but I had not counted on opening that particular can of worms.

It had been my assumption that if I could give in to Bella just a little, she would be contented with that and leave it be. The incident weeks prior with her shirt should have given me a forewarning of this logic being fundamentally flawed; having seen her once without a shirt, I spent a good deal of my time fantasizing over when the next time may be. Once I had let lust take over as far as I had that night, I craved a repeat episode. I craved Bella's body more than I craved her blood.

Lying beside her, I wanted nothing more than to awaken her and repeat the entire process. I dreamt up a thousand possible scenarios, each ending the same way.

I dreamt of accepting Bella's offer to undress her, to slowly slide the slip down her smooth, creamy skin until there was nothing between her and I. And while she stirred in her sleep, I dreamt of ripping the scrap of fabric my sister dared called shorts right off of Bella, of awakening her with entirely new pleasures.

In search of a distraction, I forced myself to try and think of something, anything, other than Bella's warmth beside me. My already sensitive skin nearly tingled after our earlier experience, and her even breaths whispering across my chest were enough to make me ache for her.

Unbidden, the memory of Bella and Jacob together behind the school came rushing into my unguarded mind. It did the job; amorous thoughts of Bella quickly faded to irrational jealousy, though I would have preferred not to think of them together again. I had been so certain of what I had seen in those shadows, certain Bella was sneaking a clandestine moment with Jacob behind my back, that it had taken all of my self control to remain hidden until something definitive occurred. Alice had attempted to keep my temper in check from afar, mentally begging me to wait for Bella to explain.

I had failed at that request, immediately accusing her as soon as she discovered me. The accusation was quickly followed by a flat out rejection of her lustful theory. By the time I realized how badly I had hurt her feelings, it was too late. Bella was much smarter than most people gave her credit for; she knew the crowd would keep me from being able to instantly over take her, and she used that to her advantage.

Failing to see a way to catch her attention inside the gym, I had waited in the parking lot. My intention was to calm down, to be a better boyfriend by the time she found me. Instead, I had stewed, rage boiling away in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to rip Mike Newton's eyes from his head for staring at Bella the way he had while she was on the dance floor; I wanted to shred Jacob Black to pieces for having ever laid hands on Bella.

The stench of alcohol emanating from her had been the final straw. As she staggered into the parking lot, I caught the scent of vodka. I hated it. Bella did not smell right with her blood laced with alcohol. The barely controlled rage slipped, and before I knew it, I had grabbed Bella and stalked off with her. It did not matter that my actions were grossly possessive, or that I handled her much like a sack of potatoes; I wanted her safe, and I wanted her with no one other than myself. Nothing else mattered.

Running on pure instinct, I had refused to let her out of my sight. I drove much too fast for her to question our destination before it was too late; I had her out of the car and in the house before she could protest.

Yet Bella's comments from my bed had stopped me dead in my tracks. I had forgotten that Bella's only visit to the house since my return had been the weekend prior, and she had never come to my bedroom. Which meant she had not seen my newest purchase.

The pause in my furious, silent ranting had been enough to let an entirely different set of thoughts in. Alice's memory of Bella in nothing but her slip had haunted me the entire evening. Watching her dance with Jessica had every inch of my skin on fire; as they slid against each other, the silkiness of their dresses only aiding the process, I desperately wanted to be on that dance floor with Bella. My blood had simmered as Bella sat up on the edge of the bed, her face drawn into a pout.

Our eyes had locked, and I had watched, transfixed, as her expression went from annoyed to puzzled to lustful in the span of seconds. When she started walking toward me, I had to force myself not to breathe. I felt like my entire body was a cord about to snap.

I had almost succeeded in keeping my hands to myself, but the sight of Bella in the slip – not to mention the heels, oh, god, the heels – had me undone. The minute she pressed herself against me in so very little, I knew I was beyond refusing her.

Whether it was a side of Bella I had been willfully ignoring, or the alcohol, her actions that night spoke of a seductress I had never pegged her to be. My Bella was innocent, with a touch of naiveté; the girl who perched atop me, reduced me to the mere victim of my body's whims with a few gentle touches and searing kisses, this was not the Bella I remembered. What surprised me the most about the experience was how very much I enjoyed it.

I had known being with Bella intimately would be pleasurable, should we ever find a way to make it work. But I had also worried about the danger of it, worried incessantly. Bella's blood still had the power to set the back of my throat on fire, but the intense yearning for it had slackened to allow room for another more powerful desire. I worried that without the ability to focus on anything other than her body, the siren's song of her blood would be too much.

Forgetting my strength in a moment of passion had been my other, greater, concern. Months of being close to Bella had desensitized me enough to her blood to make it a lesser worry, but I was aware that even human men inflicted bruises on their human partners accidentally in the throes of passion. I was terrified of the damage I could inflict with one touch.

_Yet here we are, unscathed,_ I reminded myself with a small smile. Bella slept on soundly beside me, one arm flung across my waist, the other snuggled up to my chest. I tightened my grip on her, drawing her closer against my body. In her sleep, she sighed, nuzzling her cheek against my skin before her breaths became even and deep again. I carefully leaned down, pressing a kiss in her hair before settling back against the pillows.

I slipped back into my daydreams, remembering the way her eyes had slid closed while she was on top of me, the feel of the silk beneath my fingers as I pulled her against me. Yet when I remembered how I had purposefully pushed on her hips, purposefully moved her body against mine to achieve my own satisfaction, guilt overtook me. I remembered Bella leaning down to kiss me and my rough insistence she not stop moving. I frowned, glaring out the plate glass windows to the woods and river beyond. There had to be a way to be with Bella and keep my own selfishness at bay. Bella's satisfaction had to trump my own. Nor could I afford to lose myself the way I had that night; it could end disastrously for us both.

As the hours dragged on, I fell into brooding. It may have been a delightful experience while it was happening, and I might have craved Bella's body more than ever before, but it would not happen again. I would have to find a way to better my self control, to become more resistant to Bella's schemes so a repeat occurrence did not happen.

It was before dawn when Bella stirred beside me, her breathing quickening as she began to awaken. Hoping she would fall back asleep, I stayed perfectly still, refusing even to breathe. It was of no use; her warm chocolate eyes met mine with a tiny grin. "Hey, you," she mumbled sleepily, her arms tightening around me. "It's still really early, huh?"

"Yes, love. Go back to sleep," I whispered back, trailing my fingers idly up and down her back. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself not to look at her in the devious pajamas.

"Mmm…" She remained still for a moment, but then sighed loudly. "I'm so comfortable. I don't want to move."

"So do not."

"I kinda have to," she answered, embarrassment in her voice. I could feel the heat of her blush as she pressed her cheek to my skin, hiding her face. "I, uh, well I drank all that booze last night."

"Oh." Realization dawned quickly and I had to force myself not to laugh. _Bella and her human moments…_

She lingered for another long moment before throwing back the blankets with a huff. In the predawn light, I watched as she made a quick dash for the bathroom, her milky legs exposed in all their glory. _Think about something else, anything else,_ I chastised myself, focusing my gaze back out the windows. _Think about how you are going to tell her this cannot happen again, how you can possibly say it without upsetting her._

None of the reasons I considered mattered once I caught sight of Bella emerging from the bathroom. As she stepped into the bedroom, she twisted and reached for the light switch, stretching her arm back. Her shirt rode up, exposing her hips and a stretch of pale, touchable skin. Yet as my eyes devoured the sight, they stopped upon her left hip; it was an ugly shade of purple, complete with fingerprints. My fingerprints.

"Bella!" I hissed, leaping from the bed. I rushed to her side, sweeping her into my arms and setting her back down on the bed gingerly. Her eyes were full of confusion as they met mine. "What?" she asked worriedly. "Did I do something?"

"Why did you not tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"That I hurt you!" I practically exploded, pointing at the garish bruises on her hip. "Bella, I told you, you need to tell me _the second_ something starts to hurt! This is exactly why I keep telling you no!" I let loose a growl of frustration, twisting my fingers into my hair. I sank down to my knees, laying my head in her lap. "I am sorry, love, I am so incredibly sorry."

She was silent for a long moment before I felt her fingers curling around my chin. Directing my gaze upward, she finally said firmly, "What you are is incredibly melodramatic." She sighed as I got to my feet, rolling her eyes. "Edward, I didn't tell you because I didn't even feel it. I was distracted. By you. By how _good_ you made me feel." She reached for me, but I took a step back, frightened of the reaction her touch could bring. Hurt quickly welled up in her eyes.

"You're not going to touch me now, are you?"

Too afraid to speak, I vehemently shook my head.

I expected tears, and I expected hurt. What I did not expect was the rage.

"God damn it, Edward!" she shouted, jumping to her feet. Coming after me, she quickly had me backed into a corner. I was too stunned by her anger to know what to say. "What the fuck is it with you? You have no problem dragging me back to your bedroom when you get jealous, you have no problem throwing me down on this bed like you'd very much like to have your way with me, and then, then, when you finally sort of do, you act like this!" She paused, her chest heaving with one angry breath after another. "I knew what I was doing."

"You do not," I snarled back, fighting to keep my hands steadily at my side. "Even though you seem to insist on trying to get yourself killed, I will not abide it. I am not like the boys at your school. I am not human, and you forget that all too easily."

"Jacob isn't human!"

I winced as her words slammed into me, jealousy and rage roaring through my veins. "That was low."

"I know. I'm not sorry," she snapped. With her hands firmly on her hips, she glared at me. "Edward, this is ridiculous. I'm not some naïve little girl who doesn't understand the physical side of a relationship. When I was with Jacob…"

"Do not."

"Do not what?" she demanded, her tone hostile. Her entire body was poised for a fight, the muscles taunt.

"Do not hold your relationship with him out under my nose. I am not Jacob. I already told you once, Bella, if you want him, you go be with him. I will not stop you."

Her eyes widened in a look of irate incredulousness. "I hate you, sometimes," she spat viciously, turning away from me. She sat down on the edge of the bed, her gaze never leaving mine. "I knew you would overreact. I saw the bruise when I got changed earlier, and I just _knew_ this is what you would do."

"You knew I would be upset I had hurt you? So you tried to pretend I did not?"

She let loose a strangled cry of frustration and glared back at me. "Edward, have you never paid attention to the conversations around you at school? At any of the schools you've been to? At all?"

"Yes," I answered slowly, wary of her new line of questioning. I could not see how the actions and thoughts of those around me during the daily drudgery of high school could have anything to do with our conversation.

"Then haven't you _ever_ overheard a guy bragging about the finger nail scratches down his back?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"It has everything to do with everything!" She was on her feet, standing before me again, but this time all I could feel from her was intense frustration. It puzzled me. I still did not see the connection she was trying to make.

"Edward." Her tone had changed to one of strained patience. "Those guys, they brag about fingernail scratches because they like them. Because it's physical proof of the girl they were with, of how into it said girl was that she drew blood." She took a deep breath before continuing, "And I can't tell you how many times Jessica has shown me bruises I'd rather not see. I can't explain it to you, why we like these things that we probably shouldn't. But we do."

"I do not understand."

"I like it," she finally said quietly, her eyes on the floor. When she finally looked up, her face was flushed a deep burgundy. "I like that I have your fingerprints on me, where no one else can see. It's like…it's like you're saying I'm yours."

A rush of emotions swept through me as I stared back at her. The room was still dim, the eastern sky just beginning to glow. I was at once revolted and intrigued. The thought of hurting Bella made my stomach churn, but I had not thought of it the way she had put it until that very moment. Against my will, a small thrill went up my spine. Bella had urged me the night before to make her mine, and now there was proof upon her body I had done just that.

"You are mine," I finally said gruffly, closing the distance between us. I wrapped her gently in my arms, pulling her to her feet as I did. Cupping her face between my fingers, I stared down into her eyes, willing myself to force the guilt down for her sake. "Bella…I am so scared sometimes. I could slip so easily, a flick of my wrist and…"

"You won't kill me. Everything else heals," she said mildly.

"That is not funny, Bella. I could not live with myself if I really hurt you. I accept that you are mostly right about the bruises on your hip. I am over reacting. But we cannot… we cannot do that again. I do not trust myself with you."

"I don't accept that."

"Well, you have to."

"I don't." She pulled back from me, sinking back down on the edge of the bed. "This is not going to work. I can't do it."

"It will get easier."

"No, it won't. It will get harder." She took a deep breath, her face flushing deeply again. "I want you, Edward. I want you so badly, I ache. Earlier was...it was amazing. But…you just saying…you can't just tell me flat out that…you can't…" Her voice trailed off, frustration choking off the words. "You can't do this to me. To us."

"Bella…" I threw up my hands, my frustration matching hers. Settling beside her on the bed, I pulled her against myself, her heart hammering loudly. I shifted to face her, desperate to make her understand.

The words never made it out of my mouth. Bella was slumped against me, her entire demeanor changed. When I tipped her chin back to force her to look at me, her eyes had lost the spark they had held all of the night before. She was shutting down right before me.

"I need you to promise me something," I finally said quietly, forcing her gaze up to mine. I hated how her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. She nodded without speaking, refusing to look at me. "You need to tell me if I hurt you. If I hurt you even a little, or if I am even close to hurting you. You need to tell me. You will not hurt my feelings or upset me. You are more important to me than anything in this world."

Her focus had come back to me while I spoke until she was staring at me incredulously. A slow smile spread across her features. "You mean that?"

I nodded, pulling her onto my lap and wrapping my arms tightly around her. "I cannot stand to see you upset."

"I don't want you doing this out of guilt, Edward. I don't want any of your guilt. I'm upset, yes, but…"

"I am terrified, Bella," I told her when she paused, tightening my grip on her. "I am terrified until the moment you start kissing me. And then it all just…fades. And then I am terrified that one of these times, I will open my eyes from kissing you, and you will have a broken bone. Or worse." I took a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut. "I just got you back."

"You know, there is another solution," she said in a tiny voice. My entire body tensed in reaction to the words, the implication.

"No."

"But…"

"No, Bella. Absolutely not."

"It's going to happen. Alice has seen it."

"It is not going to happen today. And I do not want to fight with you anymore. Please, Bella, please let it go."

She stared at me for a long moment before finally nodding, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. I watched as she worried at it, wanting nothing more than to have the happy, relaxed Bella back that woke up in my arms less than an hour before. "For today, Edward. I'm letting it go for today."

I nodded, sneaking a glimpse of the sky from the corner of my eye. It was turning pink now, the dawn approaching. Bella had slept for a total of maybe four hours, and the purplish tint below her eyes worried me. I shifted my weight, laying her gently on the bed and going to the windows.

"What are you doing?"

"Keeping the sun out so you can go back to sleep." I reached forward, pressing a small white button nearly camouflaged by the coloring of the wall. Shades lowered from the ceiling, enclosing the room in darkness.

"I can't see you!" Bella protested from the bed, though I could see her perfectly. I walked slowly back, sliding under the soft sheets beside her. Running my fingers down along her thigh, I elicited a soft giggle before she snuggled back into my waiting arms. "I guess it doesn't matter," she whispered, throwing one of her bare legs over mine. I could feel the heat of her skin easily through the thin fabric of the pajama pants. I tried to force myself to ignore it; after all we had been through in the last night, it was hardly the time for lustful thoughts.

It became impossible to ignore those thoughts as Bella's trailing fingers began tracing a pattern down my chest. Her nails, though unable to leave tell-tale scratches, sent a shiver down my spine as she dragged them over my skin.

"Relax," she said quietly, her voice gentle. "Just relax."

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and trying to will myself into a calm state. Bella was not really doing anything; her hands had run over every part of my chest and waist in the past. Her touch was languid, lazy, as she trailed her fingertips across my skin, yet I could not help but become more and more heated. As her fingers dipped lower and lower, one pass of her fingers quickly gave me away.

In the darkness, I saw her raise one eyebrow in my general direction, a smile spreading across her face. "You weren't kidding about how badly you want me, were you?" she asked, a hint of amusement in her voice.

"No." Though I did my best to keep my voice level, I could hear the strain in the single word. I forced myself to remain calm and not give in to the fantasy that had begun to play in my mind. Instead of remaining motionless, I could grab Bella, roll her over and kiss her until she was breathless. I could press my body to the entire length of hers, feel her everywhere. I could slowly undress her, and in a house blissfully free of my nosy family, have my way with her.

"I suppose that means you weren't kidding about wanting to undress me, either."

I remained silent, afraid to speak. I had not been kidding; another fantasy cut into my vision, Bella undressed, the entire expanse of her smooth skin beneath me. My eyes closed, I felt her shift her weight onto mine, her knees on either side of my hips. I gasped as she lowered herself against me, the heat from between her legs making it feel as though I was not even wearing the thin pants.

"Bella…" My voice came out in a low growl, my hands reaching for her. I ran my fingers down her thighs, then back up her to waist before hesitantly sliding beneath her shirt. She leaned forward, giving me easy access to her breasts. Then it was her turn to gasp.

The tiny involuntary noise broke all my resolve. I flipped her over, determined to be in control this time, to keep from hurting her again. I could see her hair fanned out on the pillow and swallowed thickly. I had imagined a moment like this for too long, and now, here it was.

All other thoughts quickly rushed out of my head. I had Bella, in my bed, with no one around to interrupt or interfere. In our sanctuary there was only us. My attention turned to Bella alone, to her body, to soliciting as many of her soft gasps as I could.

I ran my tongue along her neck while my hands roamed freely, ghosting my fingers along the inside of her thigh where I knew the skin to be sensitive. I gently pushed her legs apart further, my touch rising higher and higher along her leg.

"I want you," she whispered into my ear, pulling my mouth back to hers. "I want all of you."

"I…" I lost my voice as her lips tore at mine, her kisses rough, urgent. "Not…" I gasped as her fingers darted down my chest, reaching beneath the waistband of my pants to drag her fingernails up my hips. Her touch was teasingly close to where I desperately wanted it. As if she could read my mind, one of her hands reached down again, her fingers wrapping firmly around me.

Burying my face in her neck, I sucked in ragged breaths as her touch became more and more aggressive. I kissed her over and over again, lost in the sensations she was providing. Feeling Bella move atop me had been one thing, but the warmth of her hands directly on me was an entirely other matter.

With a tremendous effort, I brushed her hand away, wanting desperately to return her caresses before she made me completely lose my mind. Taking a deep breath to will myself into control, I pulled one of my hands from her waist, tentatively reaching for her shorts. I wanted nothing more than to rip them off, but it seemed unfair while I was still wearing pants. Instead I slipped my hand beneath the soft cotton, Bella's soft gasps directing my attentions.

I paused for a moment, debating how far I wanted to take things, or how far I was prepared to let them go. What I wanted in that moment was to feel her, inside, all of her, but a part of me worried it was too far.

That part of me was quickly silenced. "Do it, Edward," Bella moaned as my fingers paused, her hips pressing against my hand. "Please…"

The longing in her voice was nearly enough to send me over the edge. I took another deep breath, watching her face as I slowly slipped first one, then two fingers inside her. Her body responded instantly, tightening around me as I began to move in and out of her. I could feel myself becoming harder with each motion of my fingers, her moans filling the room.

Bella's hips lifted to match each of my caresses, but it was not long before she brushed my fingers aside. Her hands went to my hips, pulling me between her legs. Her mouth came to mine, crushing my lips with the intensity of her kisses. Without speaking, she pressed against me, her desire clear.

Determined not to grip her hips like I had the night before, I grasped one of the pillows from the other side of the bed, twisting my fingers deep into it as I pushed myself against her. My breathing sped up with hers, my entire body ready for the release it knew was near.

"I love you," I murmured in her ear, kissing a path down her neck as she raised her hips to mine. "I love you more than you know."

She let loose another moan, her hands shifting me slightly as I pressed against her again. Her nails dug against my skin, and with one final motion, I shuddered deeply. "Oh, Edward, god…" she moaned against my shoulder, clutching to me as I collapsed on top of her. She lifted her hips against me one final time before she gave way to the silence, broken only by our panting.

Chapter title = pop evil


	18. a darkness comes at dawn

**Disclaimer: **All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

18. a darkness comes at dawn

I refused to open my eyes when I woke up for the second time that morning. I figured if I just kept them squeezed shut, everything that had happened in the last twenty-hour hours would remain real, not the imagined dream I was certain it had to be. If I could force my eyes to stay closed, there was a chance I might wake up in Edward's bed, in Edward's arms, smelling Edward on my skin. If I opened them, there was the chance I would wake up, alone, in my own bed at Charlie's house.

"I know you are awake," Edward's voice whispered, his breath tickling my ear. "Your breathing changes." Cool, soft lips brushed against mine. I kept my eyes closed, squeezing tightly. "Bella…"

Taking in a deep breath, I slowly cracked one eye open. Edward's amber gaze stared back at me, his face inches from mine. Behind him, the pale wall shone in the dim light peeking around the edge of the shades.

Edward was watching me with an amused expression, laughter barely contained. Opening both eyes, I studied him carefully, watching for a hint as to what was reality.

He seemed relaxed, which was a good sign. He wasn't wearing a shirt, which was a very good sign. It leant some credence to the theory that I had not imagined everything. As my eyes dropped lower, beyond the delicious V of his hips, I spotted the oh-so-thin black pajama pants dream Edward had been wearing. I reached for him tentatively, curling my fingers around his hip. Yes, the fabric felt much the same.

"Bella?"

"Hmmm?"

"What are you doing?"

I flushed scarlet, hastily drawing my hand back. I quickly snapped my eyes shut again, the amusement in his tone too much. Edward was too relaxed for everything I thought had happened to have truly passed. The Edward I knew would be sulking in a corner, feeling guilty his all too willing girlfriend had given him an orgasm – twice. We had all but had sex, which I was counting as a huge win on the life check list, but up until very recently, Edward had been reluctant to so much as put his tongue in my mouth.

"I did not say it was bothering me, you know." Edward's voice again, throaty, whispering in my ear. His fingers mimicked the position mine had taken, his palm cupping my hip. "You just seem…I am not sure what."

"Who are you?" I finally demanded, hastily sitting up. Edward's incredulous eyes stared back at mine, his lips tugging into the crooked smile that made me melt. "Seriously, pinch me or something. I need to wake up now, before this gets better, and I wake up, and I don't have it. I can't deal with it, Edward, I can't. Pinch me. Please."

He rocked back on his heels, carefully studying me. Self-conscious in the tiny shorts, I drew my legs up against my chest and quickly folded the sheet around myself. "Bella," he finally said, very slowly. "I have no idea what on earth you are talking about. Please explain."

"Did last night really happen?"

He nodded his head slowly, the puzzled expression etching itself deeper into his features.

"And you're really ok with it?"

He nodded again, a twinkle in his eye, but the puzzlement not going anywhere. "Are you?"

"Yes!" I replied vehemently. I could feel my cheeks reddening as my face grew hot. "I am more than ok with it."

He chuckled low in his throat, easing himself back down onto the bed. He drew me with him, tucking me tenderly against his bare chest. "Ok. Then why are you so tense?"

"I keep expecting you to go all puritanical on me," I mumbled into his skin, curling my hands into fists against his chest.

To my utmost surprise, he laughed. And not just a little chuckle, but a full bodied, deep laugh. There was a lightness to Edward that morning – or perhaps afternoon – I had not yet seen. I wanted to find a way to bottle it up and save it for one of his especially dour moods.

"I love you," he told me, his expression turning serious as he cupped my cheeks in his hands. "I am slowly starting to realize you never believed me before, when I told you that I wanted you, when I told you that I want you every moment I am near you, but that it was too dangerous. I am terrified of hurting you, Bella. I am terrified even now that when we take that final step, physically, something could go wrong." His topaz eyes flashed briefly, the fear he had spoken of quickly glimpsed before his stony expression returned. "But I know now that some things, some of the things I have so very badly wanted, are possible. I know that you are beautiful, and loving, and _mine_." He leaned down, pressing his lips hard against mine to seal the words. His touch flickered against my bruised hip as he kissed me, quickly leaving me breathless.

As he broke our kiss, I waited for the usual rush of disappointment to come flooding back in. When it didn't, a grin broke out across my own features. It had finally sunk in; Edward wanted me as badly as I wanted him. It didn't matter that he had run off with his pack of lies, or that I had been with Jacob while he was away. None of it mattered at all. It was only a matter of time before I would have Edward, all of him, but what I had for the time being was just fine. I silently gave Alice my thanks for the weekend once again. Unbeknownst to either of us, it had been exactly what we had needed.

"I think," Edward began lightly, running his fingertips down my arm, "that it is high time I made you some breakfast. Or maybe brunch?"

"Brunch?"

"It is nearly one in the afternoon."

Surprised, I leaned myself up on one elbow to glance at the clock on the nightstand beside Edward. Sure enough, the numbers glowed 12:39 PM.

"Breakfast would be delicious. But I can make it myself."

"I know you can. But I want to do it for you." He kissed me once more, lightly, before quickly getting out of bed. I watched him move across the room, watched the ripple of muscle in his shoulders and back as he pressed the button in the wall to raise the shades. Sunlight came pouring in, setting every inch of his exposed skin to sparkling. He had never looked more beautiful to me than he did in that moment; hair mussed from a night spent in each other's arms, pants slung low on his hips, exposing plenty of his perfect skin.

His stare caught mine and I flushed deeply, chagrined to have been caught so blatantly ogling him. The previous night had definitely opened new doors to the physical side of our relationship, but it would take some time before I was fully comfortable with being caught so obviously lusting after him.

Too fast for my eyes to follow, he ducked into the bathroom and back out. I could hear the water running, tempting me with the relaxation of a hot shower. Esme and Carlisle's flight from Seattle had been due around noon if I remembered correctly, Emmett and Rosalie's closer to one. It would only be a few hours longer before the peace of my weekend with Edward was broken.

I stretched lazily, fully conscious of Edward's eyes following my every move. With a yawn, I finally got out of bed, stopping before him. "Any way I can convince you to join me?"

He swallowed thickly, his eyes blackening with desire. "Bella," he growled, taking a step back from me. "Bella, please. Do not do this to me. I have very poor self control right now."

"So? C'mon. I promise, just the shower. I won't touch you."

"You know damn well neither of us have the self control for that. I know I do not."

"Ok, fine. You said so yourself. You're in much better control than you've ever been before. What does it matter?"

"It matters because…" His voice trailed off, his eyes squeezing shut. When he opened them again, there was no fighting his tone or expression. "Because the way I was raised, the way…the way I am…the first time I see you naked, the first time we make love, it is not going to be against the shower wall. Please do not…just let me have this one, ok?"

I nodded slowly, reaching for him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling myself onto the tips of my toes to brush my lips gently against his. My hormones raged, demanding I pull Edward with me into the bathroom and have my way completely, but his words meant too much to ignore. I knew it had taken a lot from him to be where we were at that moment, both emotionally and physically. Edward had been respectful of the boundaries I had set for him upon his return; I was just going to have to respect his wishes on the subject.

"I love you," I said simply as I stepped back from him. "I love you now more than I ever have before."

He watched me walk into the bathroom, a relaxed smile on his face. I heard the faint traces of my lullaby being hummed as he headed for the door. With a contented sigh, I quickly got undressed and stepped beneath the spray.

For a vampire who rarely actually needed a shower, Edward's bathroom was equipped with the most modern luxuries for bathing money could buy. Expensive looking tile covered the entire shower, glass doors sealing in the warmth of the steam. A massive porcelain tub stood separate from the shower, deep and inviting. I made a mental note to make good use of it down the road, but for that moment I was content to stand beneath the rain showerhead and delight in the hot water.

My night with Edward had ended much better than I had hoped for. It was true I went into the evening with a mission to achieve, physically anyway: a deeper connection with Edward than I had had with Jacob. In the bright light of morning, guilt ate away at me for even considering such a tactic. Edward had been right. I was not with Jacob anymore; he had given me the easy out if that was what I had truly wanted. I had not. Comparing them was not productive or fair.

Therefore, I would not gloat over succeeding in my goal.

Not a lot, anyway.

I languished in the shower, remembering the previous night. Already pink from the heat of the water, I could feel my cheeks further redden as I recalled all that had gone on. I had been furious at Edward when he had hauled me out of the school parking lot. Yet somehow, some way, I had woken giddy and content.

It wasn't even the physical pleasures he had bestowed that put the smile on my face – not to discredit Edward's passions in the least. It was more the knowledge that he was _trying, _and not just in the usual I'm-sorry-I-was-a-bad-boyfriend ways. He was putting himself in situations I knew went beyond his comfort zone, and he was doing it for me. With me.

And he was doing a damn fine job of it.

I grinned to myself, a tiny squeal escaping my lips. I hoped three floors, running water, and all the tile surrounding me was enough to keep Edward from hearing it.

My happy recollecting came to a crashing halt when Edward came bursting through the door. I jumped as the door exploded inward, Edward's breathing harsh and labored. Much, much too fast for me to follow, he threw open the glass door and shut off the water, tightly wrapping a towel around me before rushing back into his room.

I stood in the middle of the room, frozen, as he grabbed a pair of jeans from the bag Alice had packed me. The jeans were quickly followed by one of his T-shirts and a sweatshirt from the closet. When he whipped around to face me, I was still standing stock still, unable to so much as speak. My heart was thudding heavily in my chest. Edward was in a frenzy I had only seen once before – when James was after me. Seeing it again brought the taste of bile to the back of my throat, terror icing my veins.

"Say something," I choked out, clutching the towel tighter around myself. My hair dripped rivulets of water down my back, starting a violent shiver I couldn't stop.

"I need you to get dressed. Now," he said, his voice tight and jaw clenched. His eyes met mine and only then softened. "Please, Bella."

I nodded, reaching for the clothes he had tossed on the bed. He turned his back as I dressed, shoulders hunched. It was then I noticed he had traded the black pajama pants for jeans and a T-shirt himself, sneakers on his feet.

With the jeans barely zipped, Edward was in front of me again, forcing my feet into my own sneakers and lacing them in one deft move. He grabbed my hand to yank me to my feet, and paused only when I tugged back against his hand. "What's going on?" I demanded, desperately trying to hide the shaking in my voice. "Edward, you're scaring me. Please."

"Jacob is here. You need to hear what he has to say," he replied, voice wooden. He pulled me up, ignoring my resistance this time. I expected to be dragged from the room, but he stopped long enough to pull me into his arms. He hugged me tightly, tighter than he usually did, and pressed a quick kiss, hard, against my lips.

I raced behind him, willing myself to move as quickly as my humanity allowed. Jacob was at the Cullens'? Jacob had just shown up? What could possibly have happened that made it ok for Jacob to be where he was? Never mind all of the supernatural stuff, and the treaty, but what was he doing showing up at Edward's house? Wasn't there some unspoken rule that the ex-boyfriend wasn't permitted to show up at the new boyfriend's house?

Part of me wondered why the ever-impatient Edward had allowed me to walk down the three flights of stairs on my own. The glare Jacob had waiting for us when we reached the bottom must have had something to do with it, because it was firmly centered on Edward's tight grasp on my arm.

"She can walk on her own, Cullen," he spat, arms folded across his chest, legs spread in a tense stance.

Edward opened his mouth to undoubtedly make his own snide remark, but I cut him off. "Jake! Stop it. What are you even doing here?"

"I came to warn you and the leech. Someone left you a present at Charlie's. We got it out of the way before he saw. But I think you should see. You and Cullen."

"I do not think she needs to see it, Jacob," Edward replied evenly, inching closer to me. One arm snaked around my waist, tugging me protectively against him. Pain flashed across Jacob's tan skin for barely a second before the mask of incredulous rage returned.

"So just hide the truth from her? Just tell her whatever lie suites you? Like you did before?" he taunted, eyes narrowed. Edward's eyes grew darker, his entire body stiff as he and Jacob silently stared at each other. I could feel the tightening of the muscles in his arm against my back, see the rage building in his gaze.

"Stop it, Jake! Whatever you're showing him, stop it," I snapped, stepping away from Edward's protective grasp. Jacob's smirk had made his actions all too obvious as he and Edward continued their stare down.

"It's just the truth," he shot back, finally looking away from Edward. "Here's another piece of truth. Even fresh out of the shower, I can smell him on you. Always had an excuse when it came to you and me, but he's back for three weeks and no more excuses?"

"That is none of your goddamned business!" I growled back, my own temper igniting. "Seriously, Jacob, whatever the fuck you want, you had better spit it out. And it had better be good for all of this ridiculous posturing!"

His smirk faded, expression finally turning serious. Edward was shaking his head violently behind me as Jacob opened his mouth to speak. Something flickered briefly in his eyes, and then he said very calmly, "Victoria was at your house this morning."

"What?" I gasped, blindly reaching behind myself for Edward. His arms caught me right as I felt my knees grow weak. "Charlie? Is Charlie ok?"

"Charlie is fine," Edward soothed softly, his arms secure around my waist. He held me against him, his firm chest providing much needed support. "He was at the station. He is fine."

"There's more," Jacob added, his expression softening as his gaze settled on my face. Edward stiffened behind me, his grip tightening. "She left…something."

"It is just a stupid threat, Bella. She is not getting anywhere near us," Edward cut in, whispering in my ear. "We can protect Charlie. The entire family will be back soon. Alice called. She saw. She will be home within the hour."

"What did she leave?"

Jacob and Edward locked eyes again, a rare moment of complicity between them. Jacob spoke only after Edward had given the tiniest of nods, his eyes squeezing shut.

"There was a mountain lion in the yard." Jacob paused, studying me, waiting for a reaction. My spine tingled, knowing I should know this was somehow significant, but I could not put my finger on it. "Its head was ripped off." I gulped, envisioning the bloody mess. I was thankful Charlie had been spared the sight. Then came Jacob's final words with their killing blow.

"The head was dipped in molten bronze."

_Bronze…mountain lion…head ripped from its shoulders… _

"No!" I turned myself around, forcing Edward to meet my gaze. His eyes were troubled beneath the soft locks of bronze hair falling into them. I started to shake again, remembering Edward's long ago revelation that a beheading was the first step in disposing of a vampire. Dim memories of the ballet studio in Phoenix, hazy from the pain and smoke of the fire, burned into my memory. "Edward, no! It's you, she's threatening you!"

"She's threatening you, Bella," Jacob replied from behind me. His voice was ice cold and razor sharp. "You're the only one in Forks who cares if something happens to him."

I glared at him over my shoulder, turning an imploring gaze back to Edward. "Edward, please, say something! We can run. Like we were going to when James wanted me. I have a passport, I can lie to Charlie, we can leave. Please, Edward, please!"

"We are not leaving," he said quietly, weaving his fingers through mine. "You already lied to Charlie once to leave with me. I will not let you do it again." He nodded in Jacob's general direction, though his eyes never left mine. "This ends, Bella. Jacob and I have discussed it. The pack cares enough about you to help. Victoria is not long for this world. We wait for the rest of the family to return and then we hunt."

"No!" I protested, slamming my fist against his iron chest. It hurt, but I was too blinded with suddenly uncontrollable tears to care. I whirled on Jacob, tearing my gaze from Edward to plead with him. "Jacob, no! You can't. You've already…you've already saved me once. I can't let you do this!"

"You don't get a say, Bella."

"What is it with you two?" I demanded, turning back to face Edward. "Why is it that I never, ever get a goddamned say?! It's my life! I love you." I took a deep breath, turning back to Jacob. "And you know I love you, too." He gave a derisive laugh at my words, his entire body taut with tension. "Jacob, stop it."

"Whatever, Bella." He rolled his eyes, taking a step closer. Edward's body tensed, Jacob's relaxed. "You're not going to win on this. Cullen and I agree. You're too important to m…to all of us. This has to end."

"No! You can't! What if something happens? Emily needs Sam! And with Harry gone, Sue needs Seth and Leah. And I just…no, Jacob, no! The pack can't do this!"

He chuckled darkly, a hint of the Jacob I had known peeking through his hard exterior. "It's already done." He gave me one final stare and turned to walk away, briskly striding toward the front door.

"Jake!" I called after him, wrestling free of Edward's arms. I rushed to the front door, where he had paused, and threw my arms tightly around him. He stiffened, and I could feel Edward's glare on my back as I waited for Jacob to react. "Jake, please, be careful. I need you. You're still my best friend."

He said nothing, gently unwinding my arms. When our eyes met, his expression had softened. "Bells, I'll be fine." He brushed a kiss against my forehead, much like he had the night before, and slipped out the door. I was left standing alone, hands hanging limply at my sides.

"Nothing is going to happen to him," Edward soothed, coming to my side. He stood behind me, entwining his fingers with mine. Rubbing one thumb lightly on my palm, he slowly spun me around to face him. "Or me," he added, almost as an afterthought. Hurt flickered so quickly across his features I almost missed it.

"I don't want you to do this," I whispered, reaching for him. I ran my fingers down his cheek, his skin smooth under my touch. "Let's just run away. Me and you. We can go hide in a cave or on an island, far, far away. Where she'll never find us."

"She will find us no matter where we go." He drew me toward the couch, settling into the cushions with me on his lap. "I will not have you live your life in fear, Bella. This has to end. My family will do anything to protect you. And Jacob…" He took a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut for a long moment before meeting my gaze again. "Jacob still loves you and will do whatever it takes to make you safe. No matter who you are with. I have seen it in his thoughts."

"I'm with you," I replied firmly, curling myself more tightly against his chest. "I want to be with you, Edward."

"I know."

We fell into silence, each wrapped in our own thoughts. I was terrified. Victoria had done a lot of lurking over the months, but I had yet to see any real evidence of her presence. Everything I knew was second hand from either Jacob or Edward. Though I had been spared the sight of the mangled animal, it hit home nonetheless. She had been on Charlie's property, in my yard. Did she know I was going to be gone for the weekend? Did she do it on purpose, knowing Charlie was alone? Or was I just lucky to not have been there? All were troubling thoughts.

I pressed my cheek against Edward's chest, drawing in deep breaths. His scent washed over me, rising from his skin and the clothes I wore. I let the too-long sleeves drape over my hands, tucking myself against him. Try as I might to find a calm place, my heart continued to hammer in my chest. I was terrified.

Edward remained silent, one hand absently running through my hair. I tried to focus on the relaxing effect it usually had on me, but to no avail. Sitting motionless on the couch was driving me insane.

"We have to do something," I begged, pushing myself back to look him in the eye. "Please, Edward, let me help."

"No."

"Why not?"

"What exactly do you propose you can do to be of any help?" he shot back, his words stinging with bitterness. I felt like I had been slapped.

When I remained silent, he turned his gaze from where it had been carefully studying the wall toward me. He sighed heavily, cupping my cheeks between his hands. Leaning down, he pressed his forehead to mine, his cool breath washing over me. "I am sorry, love. I should not have said that."

"It's true," I replied flatly, my heart racing faster still. "I'm useless."

"I would not say that."

I didn't bother to answer him, instead letting my eyes fall shut. I counted the pattern of Edward's breaths to try and find some peace. His sharp reply had hurt all the more for the truth it held. There was nothing I could do. I didn't have super strength like the Cullens or the pack; I didn't have any particularly special mental abilities. All I had was a knack for making poor decisions.

"I am so sorry, Bella." I looked up, startled out of my pity party. Edward was gently shifting me from his lap to the couch cushions. "I forgot all about making you something to eat. I came downstairs and Jacob was just coming up the drive. I will go make you something right this moment."

Looking up at him, I couldn't help but laugh quietly. We were in the middle of a crisis, a deadly, psychotic vampire hunting us, and Edward was worried I might miss a meal. I squeezed his hand, twining our fingers more tightly together, and refused to let go.

"I'm not hungry," I insisted, attempting to pull him back down to the couch. My stomach did a flip nearly on cue, all of my anxiety making the thought of food abhorrent. "Really, I'm not. I'm too…I can't eat right now."

His brow furrowed in dismay as he stood beside me, still refusing to sit. "Bella…" he began to protest, his free hand running through his hair. "You have not eating a thing since yesterday afternoon. You need to eat."

"If I eat something now, there's a good chance it'll just come back up. I'll eat when I'm hungry, I promise," I swore, using Edward as leverage to pull myself to my feet. I pushed the long sleeves of his sweatshirt back up my wrists and placed my free hand on his cheek.

It was evidentially the wrong response.

"Bella, I am so sorry. Look at what I have brought into your life. You cannot even eat now without being ill. I should have taken care of Victoria before I was even worthy of coming back into your life. I should not have let Alice – or my jealously – get in the way of that. I should have come back to you worthy of your love. I am so sorry," he repeated, anguish filling his features.

"As far as I'm concerned, you waited too long to come back as it is," I said sternly, forcing myself into his line of sight as he stared at the floor. I refused to allow him to feel even a tiny bit guilty in that moment; Victoria's sick calling card had only reinforced how important the present was. "We'll face Victoria together. And then we will be together, like we are now. And we'll have another weekend away from everyone, and it will just be you and me."

I was not entirely sure where the new found certainty sprung from – my instinctive urge to protect Edward's feelings may have had something to do with it – but I had to convince him we would get through it. I knew it impossible for him to walk away from me again, but the mere thought of him not wanting to be with me sent chills down my spine.

Almost as if he had not heard a word I had said, he muttered, "If I waited much longer, I may have never gotten you back. I would be the one coming to Jacob to help protect you."

"That's not true, Edward. I love Jacob…in my own way. He was there for me when I needed him, when I…when I couldn't save myself." I took a deep breath, wondering why I was telling Edward any of it right then. "But all my love for him…it's nothing compared to how I feel about you. You are my other half."

"Jacob said to you, 'If you had to choose, you would choose him.' I remember that," he went on, almost as if he was talking to himself. "But you did not answer him."

"No, I did. I told him there was no reason for you to come back, so it was pointless to talk about. I didn't want to admit the truth to him…or myself, at the time." The conversation in my bedroom flashed through my memory. Then my eyes narrowed.

"How did you know about that?" I demanded, taking a step away from. The conversation had been in private, in my room, days before I had even the hint from Alice that Edward was due to return. Jacob had told me that night he was forbidden to give me the phone number…which I only then realized had been a lie. He had given it to me later without issue. It was rare of Sam to change his mind about anything, certainly not something so important. The newly discovered lie stung as I waited for Edward to answer me.

"I told you, Bella. I watched you. I already admitted this."

"All the time?"

"Nearly. Yes."

"When I was with Jacob?"

"Yes."

"How much did you see?"

"Enough."

I flushed deeply, whether from embarrassment or rage, I wasn't certain. "What do you mean by 'enough' exactly?" I demanded, each word lashing like a whip.

He turned toward me with a hard expression. "I saw you, in his memories, nearly completely undressed. I saw his hands on you. I saw your hands on him. I have never been so jealous in my very long life," he said flatly, without apology. "I hate to think that what happened last night…with us…it tears at me that you were with him, like that. I have to live with that, and I know I do. I never should have left."

"Edward, what we…last night? I never did that with Jacob. Not all of it."

He raised an eyebrow at me, skeptical. "Then how did it come to pass that he saw you in such a state of undress? I have never seen that much of you."

My cheeks burned as I sought an answer. "I had…better control of myself when I was with him," I finally replied, avoiding his gaze. I didn't want to think about how my statement admitted how very out of control I found myself to be when I was with Edward. Forcing myself to try and regain some ground in the conversation, I added, "And you can see me like that whenever you want. Just say the words."

When I met his eyes again, they were dark and smoldering. His stare bore into me, threatening to overwhelm me with intensity.

The moment was broken by the furious sound of squealing tires. Alice appeared in the doorway seconds later, Jasper at her side. She raced toward me, tearing me away from Edward long enough to wrap her arms tightly around me.

"We came as soon as…as soon as I saw. Those damn dogs keep blocking the visions," she quickly added, her stare flickering to Edward's glare. They locked eyes for a long moment before he finally gave a small nod, looking away. The wall had apparently become very interesting once again.

"Don't worry, Bella. We're going to keep you safe," Jasper said gently, a wave of calm overtaking me. He held his hands up as if he were approaching a savage beast, taking small steps in my direction.

"Stop it!" I snapped before I lost my irritation. I was in no mood to be placated by Jasper's talents. There was too much at stake to be floating on a cloud of false contentment.

He did as I said, but that was the last anyone listed to me. Alice guarded me as Edward and Jasper began to strategize, speaking much too quickly for me to follow. It wasn't long before the entire Cullen family had reassembled, all in earnest conversation. Except for quick greetings and sidelong, worried glances, I was mostly ignored. Alice stayed beside me, linking her fingers with mine in solidarity, but her attention was on the family, on the plan.

I desperately wished to contribute something, anything. Never in my life had I felt as impotent as I did in those moments. But there was nothing for me to say, nothing for me to do. I knew nothing of battle, or strategy, or murder. I had attempted to help the last go round, with James, but all I had done in the end was nearly get myself – and Edward – killed.

When the entire family fell into an eerie silence all at once, dread quickly overtook me. Jacob's footsteps sounded on the porch moments later, and Carlisle rushed to open the door. He looked as frazzled as I felt.

Jacob didn't bother to enter the house. "It's time," he said, sending a shudder down my spine. His eyes did a quick sweep of the living room, pausing only on me for but a moment. Then he nodded curtly to Carlisle and turned heel.

Esme settled beside me on the couch as the rest of the family began to follow, Emmett pumped for a fight, Jasper silently waiting at the door for Alice. She gently disentangled herself from me, offering a quick squeeze as she rose. "It's going to be fine, Bella," she told me firmly as she walked away. "I've seen it." Her words were hollow.

Predictably, Edward was the last to leave. He knelt before me, grasping both hands tightly in his own. I forced the urge to protest down, knowing he did what he did for us. For the chance to just _be_ instead of yet again running from a new terror.

"Will you please at least tell me where?" I begged, wanting to know anything at all about what was about to happen. I knew Edward was purposefully keeping me in the dark, trying to protect me from the horror as much as he could.

"No." He shook his head sharply to punctuate the reply. "It does not matter. I will be back soon, and so will everyone else. Victoria is no match for our combined strength. I do not care who or what she has with her." He sighed, brushing his thumb along my lips. "I love you, Bella. When this is over…when this is over, I am going to spend every minute of every moment making sure you believe me."

"I'm holding you to that," I replied, desperate to bring some lightness to the conversation. It felt much too much like he was telling me everything he needed to say, just in case. I was not fond of 'just in case'.

He pressed his lips to mine once, and then he was gone.

Wordlessly, Esme turned and folded me into her arms. There was nothing to do but wait.

Chapter title = 30 seconds to mars


	19. dying's easy

**Disclaimer: **All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

19. dying's easy – it's the living that's hard

When Edward had left me that day in the woods, I had waited for him to come back. I had waited for months, thinking if I could reach down and find the patience, Edward would come back. It gnawed at me each and every day, tearing at my resolve and the limits of my patience.

That waiting had nothing on what I faced in the Cullen living room.

Esme's worried gaze followed as I paced up and down the cream carpet, my sneakers soundless. I wrapped my arms around myself, taking deep breaths of Edward's scent from his sweatshirt. It was old and worn soft from years of use. For the first time since I had tugged it over my shoulders, I noticed it was from Dartmouth. The letters had faded considerably but unmistakably. It occurred to me that the sweatshirt may very well have been older than I was. It was oddly comforting.

"Bella, dear, can I get you anything? Edward mentioned you had yet to eat today," Esme said gently, carefully folding her hands in her lap. She remained motionless, perched on the edge of the sofa.

_Of course he did,_ I thought irritably, turning back toward Esme. _Leave it to Edward to take the time to fill Esme in on something so minute._

Forcing a smile onto my face, I said quietly, "No, thank you. I'm not hungry."

Esme sighed, getting to her feet. She came to stand before me, taking my hands in hers. "They're going to be fine, Bella. Please try to calm down."

"But we don't know that!" I wailed, frustration breaking through the careful façade I had been struggling to hold upon my face. The entire family, as well as Jacob, had been the picture of composure while making their plans. It seemed I was the only one bordering on the verge of hysteria.

"Bella. I know Carlisle is going to be fine. I can feel it. And I may not have birthed them, but the rest, they are my children. I would know."

I was in no mood for Esme's superstition. I forced myself to remain silent; she was only trying to help. It would also be cruel to question her assurance that Carlisle would come through unscathed; if Esme had found peace in her faith, I had no business taking that away from her.

Following the old adage, knowing I had nothing to say, I remained silent. I resumed my pacing, clutching my cell phone tightly. I had reclaimed it from Edward's bedroom shortly after he had left, desperate to have some connection to him.

The trip to his bedroom had nearly undone my tenuous hold on composure. Edward's jacket and tie were still strewn across the leather couch, my dress in a heap on the floor with Edward's shirt close beside it. His belt and my shoes were haphazardly thrown on the floor not too far from the bed. I would have been mortified for any of the family to see his room in such a condition; even with only myself to see it, my cheeks burned. I spent a quick minute picking up the mess, fighting the rising memories with each movement. I wanted to curl up in the rumpled bed, press my nose into the pillows, and wake up to find it all a nightmare. That morning, I had wanted Edward to wake me from my best dream. Standing alone in his bedroom, I wished someone, anyone, would wake me from my nightmare.

My cheeks were still brightly flushed when I arrived at the bottom of the stairs, Esme's expectant stare waiting for me. She provided an encouraging smile, patting the soda beside her. I knew I was too tightly wound so sit, so instead I had begun to pace.

To Esme's credit, an hour went by before she tried to break into my worried thoughts. I had felt her eyes on me with each and every pass I made in front of her across the carpet, but she had remained silent. Patience was evidentially a vampire virtue, not a human one.

"Bella," she tried again, grabbing my shoulders roughly. Her amber eyes betrayed a mother's fierceness as she forced me to a stop. "They are going to be fine. This nightmare is going to end. Edward is going to come back. He has been through too much to get you back to bow out now."

"He might not get a say in the matter," I whispered before I could stop myself. Unbidden, another nightmare flashed through my memory; Edward, hurt. Edward, defeated. Edward, gone forever. My chest ached with the pain of the old wound.

"Do you think he would allow himself to lose?"

"Not if he could help it. But…"

"No 'but' about it," Esme cut me off, her tone firm. She looped one arm around my shoulders, forcibly guiding me toward the kitchen. "Edward has more self control than anyone I have ever known, human or otherwise. He will control this situation for himself like any other. There is nothing on this earth that will keep him from you, Bella. And there is nothing this family will not do to protect you. You're one of us, dear. You have been since that first day you stepped foot in this house."

I flushed at the sentimental statement, allowing myself to be led into the kitchen. I knew Esme was trying to comfort me, but her words were only making me more miserable. I already knew all of what she had told me; Edward would do everything in his power to return to me. But as his leaving had proved to me, some things were not within personal control. There was nothing I could have done to keep Edward with me once he had decided to leave; some paths were already chosen.

Once in the kitchen, I rested my elbows on the granite countertops, watching as Esme moved to the refrigerator. In a very human moment, she stood with the door open, gazing blankly at the contents. It made me smile.

"Edward tells me you love to cook, Bella. I confess, I'm at a loss as to what to do with any of this. Cooking in my day was a much simpler pursuit." She turned to me with a wry smile, gesturing to the refrigerator. "Please, eat something. Or cook something to take your mind off of Edward, for the moment. He would hate to know what a state you're in."

"Edward needs to learn that he can't always have his way," I muttered darkly, but obligingly moved toward the refrigerator. I figured I could make a quick sandwich and satisfy Esme's desire to ensure I ate. I had a feeling it was a demand Edward had placed on her.

Esme wore an amused expression as she settled onto one of the bar stools on the other side of the breakfast bar, leaving the open expanse of a kitchen to my own devices. "I get the impression he gets his way a lot less since he…now."

"It's fine," I assured her over my shoulder, biting down on my lip as I turned away. She seemed mortified to have referred to Edward's actions and the pain they had caused. "We've talked about it. I think we're ok now."

"I'm glad," she said quietly as I reached for the stainless steel door. I wrenched the door open, expecting to see the bare essentials. Why I wasn't prepared for Edward's usual _modus operandi_ eluded me. The refrigerator was full to bursting with just about anything I could have desired, from beverages to fruits, to vegetables and meats. In shock, I flung open the freezer next, only to discover an assortment of frozen meats and ice cream. There were even several bags of frozen shrimp.

"Why do you all let him do this?" I demanded of Esme, spinning back to face her. She wore the same amused expression she had adopted when we came into the kitchen.

"Because it makes him happy." She held up her hands in a gesture of defeat, laughing lightly. "He wants to take care of you as much as he can. Let him, Bella. He needs you. I daresay you need each other."

I nodded silently, biting my lip to keep tears from rising as I turned back to the food. Esme, as she had already pointed out, may not have birthed Edward, but she was his mother in every way that counted. I had her approval and her love. It meant a great deal.

Though I had assured both Edward and Esme I was not hungry, once I got into the kitchen my stomach ached. I had barely eaten the day before, spending most of my day with first my book, and then in Alice's clutches. It had left little time for food.

Too tired to make anything elaborate, I set about frying up grilled cheese with tomato. It was fast and easy, with little clean-up. It would have to suffice. While I waited for the bread to brown, I munched on some chips. Esme fell silent, leaving me to my thoughts, and watched me cook with a sort of detached curiosity.

I joined her at the breakfast bar once I had finished cooking, forcing myself to shove my cell phone in my pocket. _Staring at it is not going to make it ring,_ I told myself sternly as I settled into the chair. _If it rings in your pocket, you will hear it. _

"Bella, can I ask you something?"

I nodded, slowly chewing my grilled cheese. I waited for the question, dreading what she would ask. It was rare for anyone in the Cullen family to request permission before asking a question. It made me nervous.

"I know Edward has made his wishes about the subject very clear. But I'm curious about yours."

"Edward and I don't agree," I answered immediately, taking another bite from my grilled cheese. The question may have appeared vague, but I knew exactly what Esme was getting at. I chewed savagely, fresh annoyance rising. "He won't even discuss it."

"If…if Edward refused to relent…well, Carlisle and I have talked about it…how would you feel about working around him?"

"He would never forgive you." I dropped my sandwich back to the plate, any appetite I once had gone. Esme's question had dared me to hope, but also troubled me immensely. I knew Edward's stubborn nature, and he would be furious to be circumvented.

"He can't stay angry forever. And we, Bella, we have forever." I remained silent, unsure what to say to her. I had considered asking Alice, or Carlisle, to change me if Edward continued to refuse, but the rift it would cause had always kept me from acting. Not to mention the longstanding fear I held that he would simply leave me, no longer attracted to me without my humanity.

"It's a very generous offer, Esme. I'm still hoping Edward will come around, but it's good to know I have another option," I said carefully. I didn't want to offend her, so I left out the somewhat embarrassing hope I still held. I wanted it to be Edward who changed me; I wanted it to be Edward who tasted my blood in those last human moments.

"He has already accepted he can't live this very long life without you," Esme mused, her eyes carefully watching me as she spoke. "He came back to Forks long before Alice pushed him into seeing you. Did you know that?"

"Yes."

"He would have revealed himself without her. It just would have taken longer."

"I know."

"If you had…if this had gone differently, I'm not sure Edward would have survived it."

I said nothing in reply. What was there to say? A chill went through me at her words, memories of Edward assuring me of the very same facts threatening my barely held calm. I remembered the afternoon in Charlie's living room that felt as if it were lifetimes ago; I remembered the more recent conversation under the stars in the backyard. Edward didn't want to live in a world without me, he said. Nor was he willing to make me a part of his world. It meant that one day, if I chose to abide his wishes, I would die. And so would Edward.

"He's probably got a good sixty, seventy years to get used to the idea. I'm sure he'll be just fine," I replied, bitterness filling my words. I had meant to keep the thought to myself, but spoken aloud without realizing it. The dismay and concern on Esme's features clued me in.

"Coming so close to losing you…it might make him more amiable to discussion on the matter," she finally said, taking my hand in hers and giving it a light squeeze. "Edward has surprised us all over the years."

"Like bringing me home?"

Esme chuckled wryly and patted my hand reassuringly before she got out of her chair. "Yes, Bella, we were all quite surprised by that."

"Rosalie still hates me, though."

"It's not that she hates you. She doesn't like the situation. I think she's more upset with Edward than anything. He's been…he's been very difficult to be around the last year. And when he wasn't with us, well, that was an entirely different kind of difficult." Esme whisked my plate out from under my nose, beginning to wash the dishes. I tried to protest her cleaning up after me, but she ignored me, gazing out the window over the sink to the woods beyond instead. The morning had dawned sunny, but as the day wore on, the typical Forks weather had sunk in. The sky looked prepared to open up at any moment.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, anxiously checking it. Edward had been gone for just under three hours, without a word. It was growing dark, the shorter October days combining with the threatening clouds to provide an all around gloomy feel.

Fighting the urge to call him, I shoved the phone back in my pocket. If Edward had succeeded in his mission, he would be on his way back to me. I would see him soon. If he was still fighting Victoria, a phone call would only distract him.

"What's taking so long?" I muttered under my breath, squeezing my eyes shut. Though she must have heard me, Esme said nothing.

We returned to the living room, Esme taking up a book while I returned to pacing. One hand shoved in my pocket, fingers curled around the phone, I waited. Rain began to fall, thunder rumbling through the night and echoing off the nearby mountains. I wanted Edward. I wanted to lie in his bed, curl up in his arms, and watch the storm. I wanted him returned to me, and I wanted him unharmed. I wanted everyone unharmed.

I also wanted a distraction. Whether Esme was able to truly focus on her book or not was beyond me, but I knew it would be a fruitless attempt if I were to try; I would only read the same paragraph over and over again. TV was not engaging enough to be a distraction. Edward had his passion for music, but there was nothing like that for me…Edward himself was the only exception. It was true I loved to cook, but the thought of food made me nauseous. Not to mention, half the fun was zapped out of it by knowing I was only cooking for myself.

Thinking about cooking brought my thoughts to Charlie. Esme's offer still lingered in the back of my mind, and with it came my concern for my father. It had been over a decade, but Charlie had never gotten over my mother. He had been content to live a Spartan lifestyle since Renee had packed me off to Phoenix all those years ago. Yet with my return to Forks, I had forced him into regular meals and taking vitamins. I worried that without someone to look after him, Charlie would quickly return to his frozen dinners and takeout. And copious amounts of fish, fried of course.

My heart ached at the thought of leaving Charlie to his own devices, but I knew it had to be done. Jacob had once tried to push me into admitting I would choose Edward over all others, and I had refused to admit it at the time. Pacing the Cullen living room, terrified Edward would never come walking through the door again, I knew the truth of it: I would always choose Edward. My faith and trust in him had been rocked by his own stupidity, but I knew beyond any shadow of doubt the strength of my love for him. Selfishly, I knew I would sacrifice my relationship with Charlie – and with Jacob – if I had to, in order to stay with Edward.

My thoughts drifted, gaze catching Esme on the couch, seemingly oblivious to the internal struggle I faced. I wondered if she had the strength to perform the change herself. Edward was otherwise engaged, and had left me unattended. It was a rare event, for him to be completely unaware of my actions from moment to moment. He had confessed to watching me, both while we were together and while we were not. It would be near impossible to get away from him, with a member of his family, for long enough to do what had to be done. If Esme did it now, by the time Edward returned, it would be too late.

I turned toward Esme, nervously chewing on my lip. As she had been the one to bring the subject up that afternoon, I should have been less anxious about revisiting it. I was not.

My phone buzzed, momentarily saving me from the dilemma. Esme's head snapped up at the sound, watching me intently as I hurriedly drew the phone from my pocket. The text message from Edward contained only three words: "On our way."

"On our way?" I muttered to myself, wondering what on earth the message meant. I hoped he meant on their way back to the house, and not on their way only then to Victoria. _Why didn't he call? What's with the vague message? _

"That's all it says?" Esme asked, peering over my shoulder at the phone's screen. "When did he send it?"

"Just now," I replied, puzzled. It was unlike Edward_. If everyone is safe, why didn't he just call to tell me that? How far away from us did they go, if there was enough time in between sending the message and his return to bother with it?_ Edward could be back from anywhere within the greater Washington/Vancouver area within twenty minutes. Where had his hunt taken him?

It bothered me more when I looked up to find Esme's brow creased in worry. She had been almost too calm throughout the afternoon; the fear in her eyes nearly sent me into a full-blown panic. "What do you think it means?" I asked her helplessly.

"I have no idea."

"Me neither," I whispered, finally sinking down onto the couch. My legs felt too weak to support my weight. My chest throbbed, threatening to steal my very breath. _Just breathe,_ I told myself over and over again. _He's on his way to you; you just have to breathe._

Esme joined my vigil on the couch, her hand tightly grasping mine. I did my best to ignore how very much like Edward's her cool skin felt, and instead focused on forcing air in and out of my lungs. Edward had said he was on his way back to me; it would not do for him to return to a suffocated body.

We waited in silence, Esme still as a statue and lost in her own thoughts. My knee bounced anxiously, my teeth ripping at my fingernails. I stared at my phone, desperately willing it to light up once again. It remained torturously dark.

Esme heard the cars long before I did. With a tight smile, she pulled me wordlessly to my feet. Our hands still clasped, we made our way out the front door to wait upon the porch. I envied Esme's hearing; I would have given anything to hear the familiar rhythm of Edward's breathing as I stood under the eve, the rain pounding down around us.

When Edward's silver Volvo finally cleared the last bend in the driveway, I couldn't take it anymore. I flung myself down the stairs, rushing toward the car. The rain drove against my skin, pelting my cheeks as it quickly soaked through Edward's thick sweatshirt.

I crashed into him mere steps from the porch. His arms surrounded me, carefully cradling me from the impact as I ran at him full force. I could hear the footsteps of the family around us, but had my face pressed too tightly against Edward to see. In that moment, I didn't care who was there or who wasn't; all I could concentrate on was Edward.

He pushed me back gently, tucking me against his chest and moving us toward the house. His grip was firm, a forcible promise not to let go. It was only then that I noticed his shirt was streaked with blood.

"Whose blood is that?" I asked with a shaky voice, knowing all too well Edward couldn't bleed. I knew it wasn't his, and I knew it wasn't Victoria's. Edward remained silent, a furrow to his brow the only acknowledgement he had heard me.

My eyes raced from him, dragging my gaze across the rest of the family. Thankfully, all had returned. Rosalie barely had a hair out of place, but Emmett bore the same grim, bloodstained expression as Edward. Jasper just looked grim.

Edward pushed me into the house, ignoring any further attempt I made to get information from him. I was beginning to get angrier by the minute. I tried to pull out of his grasp, determined to get an answer, but his steel grip only tightened.

"I am going to take Bella upstairs to change. The rain has soaked her clothes," he said, his eyes meeting Carlisle's across the room. His voice was emotionless and flat. "We will be back down shortly."

"I'm fine, Edward!" I protested, glancing back at the family over my shoulder. _No one's forcing them out of their wet clothes,_ I thought bitterly while glaring at Edward as he pulled me up three flights of stairs. He didn't bother to answer me.

"God dammit, _say_ something!" I shouted at him as he closed the bedroom door behind us. "Whose blood is that, Edward? Tell me!"

"It's Jacob's."

My throat instantly constricted, tears pricking at my eyes. "Explain," I choked out, sinking down on the edge of the bed.

"He is alive," Edward said slowly, but the freakishly calm tone remained. His tone scared me more than the words. He didn't offer anything further, reaching for the sweatshirt. He pulled it off of me without another glance, tossing it to the floor in a heap. His hands explored the T-shirt next, running over me gently, but without feeling a thing. It was like a doctor's examination, perfunctory and to the point.

"Are you cold? I can get you another sweatshirt." Edward was already moving toward the closet, his own blood-stained T-shirt still in place.

"You can explain."

He sighed, leaning back against the wall. My eyes were glued to his shirt, horrified by the amount of blood staining it. _He said Jacob is alive,_ I told myself sternly, fighting the rising panic. _That's a good sign._

"We caught up with her on her way back out of town. Apparently she was not ready to face us yet. The trick with the mountain lion was just that. She knew you were not at home.

"She was caught completely unaware by the wolves and our family united. I do not think she considered the possibility of us all working together. She had a few others with her, but nothing impressive. We made short work of her."

I stared back, confused. He had made dispatching of Victoria sound like a walk in the park. It didn't explain how he – and Emmett – had ended up covered in Jacob's blood.

"You're hiding something."

A flash of anguish rippled across his face before his expression went smooth again. "Do you remember when we spoke of Italy?" I nodded. "Do you remember the Volturi?" I nodded again. "They are here."

"What do mean, here?"

"They are in Washington. They came to deal with Victoria…and with us. It seems we have not been as careful as we thought."

"Please stop talking in cryptic half truths."

"Victoria was amassing an army. To get rid of you. She was fueled by rage, and revenge. She would stop at nothing to make sure that you were gone, and that I would suffer for it. So she turned as many humans as she possibly could. She was training them to come after you. The rash of deaths in Seattle over the last year? That was her."

He paused, one hand running through his hair. It bothered me that he remained on the opposite side of the room. I wanted him beside me, and I patted the bed, hoping he would take the hint. Instead, he shook his head sharply.

"Bella, I cannot. Your life is in danger, and it is again my fault. I do not deserve your comfort."

A chill ran down my spine, sending a violent shudder through my entire body. "But you said Victoria was taken care of?"

"She is." He took a deep breath, his eyes black as they fixed intently on me. "The Volturi destroyed her army. It is against the laws of our kind to do such a thing. They were coming for her. We met them along the way. They knew, Bella. About us."

"So?"

"In being with you, I have broken a law of our kind as well."

"What? Humans are only food?" I joked weakly.

"The secret, Bella," he said darkly, not an ounce of humor in his voice. "We are never to reveal ourselves to humans. Ever. You know far too much."

"Well, they let you go. So they must have decided it was ok…?"

"I have to thank Alice. She convinced them that you were of no harm. She convinced them that you were…" His voice trailed off, and he swallowed thickly. "She convinced them that you are my mate."

"But they already knew that."

"No, they did not. They knew we were together. I believe Alice has explained this to you, about our kind. When we choose, we choose for life. There will never be another for me, as long as I live."

"Edward, I love you. And you're scaring me. Please explain this to me. I don't understand why this is so awful. They know we love each other. So they must believe I'll keep your secret. We get an exception to the rule, right? So please, please stop looking at me like that. Please just come over here and kiss me," I ended in a whisper. My heart pounded wildly in my chest, an unshakeable sensation of dread coursing through my veins.

He squeezed his eyes shut, his palms pressing against the wall. Tiny specks of plaster fell from his hands, which were shaking. His entire body was nearly humming with tension. "We do not get an exception, Bella. The Volturi do not believe in exceptions. We got…a time limit. I am to…I must…it is either that you become one of us, or you die."

"That's it?" I forced a laugh, desperate to get Edward to calm down.

His eyes flashed open, barely concealed rage overtaking him. "That's it?" he demanded, finally leaving his position against the wall to stalk toward me. "Bella, this is your life!"

"I want to be with you, Edward," I said evenly. "I am already aware of what that means. I do not want to go through what I already went through once before. I can't. Are you really against it that much? Would you rather I died, right here, right now, than be like you?"

_Please say no,_ I begged silently, too afraid to look him in the eye.

He grimaced without answering, walking away from me to gaze out the windows to the river beyond. Full dark had fallen, the rain lashing against the windows. His shoulders looked to have the weight of the world on them. "You need to go home," he said quietly. "Charlie is expecting you."

"Edward!"

"I need to discuss this with the family, Bella. Go home. See Charlie."

"Edward, no. You already said they're here! What if I go home and they come for me? What about Charlie?"

"We are going to figure this out," he said without looking in my direction. "But I thought…you may not get to see your father again."

There was a harshness to the words, a ring of finality in his voice that stung. "I _will_ see him again," I insisted, walking over to the window. I put one hand on Edward's arm, silently willing him to look at me. "I will find a way. _We_ will find a way."

He finally turned from the window, reaching one hand to run his thumb along my cheek. His expression was one of fragile composure; it looked as if it could shatter with the slightest provocation. "I am so sorry, love, for all the ruin I have brought into your life."

"You have brought love, Edward. Love." I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist, silently praying for him to hold me close. Yet as I went to lay my head against his chest, the garish red stains caught my eye once more. I quickly pulled back, horrified to have been so close to Jacob's blood. "You didn't explain about Jacob."

"He will survive this. It grieves me to know he was hurt. I know how much he means to you."

"That's not an answer."

Edward's eyes glazed over, his voice taking on a monotone once again. "The Volturi surprised us as we were making our way down out of the mountains. It seems they are well versed in our gifts, and knew how to work around them. They did not know about the wolves. They attacked. Carlisle managed to convince them that the wolves are harmless, but it was too late. Jane…Jane has a unique talent. She can inflict pain with merely a thought. She turned on Leah. Jacob tried to attack Jane. He was…injured, by the Guard. I fear if he were human, he would be dead."

"What do you mean, about Jane? Couldn't you try to stop her?"

"No." He shook his head violently, anguish infiltrating his gaze again. "Jane's power is not something I, nor anyone else, can fight. She is well protected by the Guard. It would be nearly impossible to defeat her. Though even defeating Jane, there are still others. Aro, Marcus, Caius, they all remain. And even if they were to not…there are enough of our kind who believe in their cause…it is fruitless." The last sentence twisted from his mouth, frustration and rage behind every syllable.

"I have to go see him," I mumbled, stepping back from Edward. "This is my fault. She was after me."

"No!" Edward grabbed my arm as I turned to leave, fingers clamping down like a vise. "You cannot. The pack is too…volatile…right now. I will not have you put yourself in danger."

"I will go when and where I please," I snapped icily, tugging against his grip. He refused to let go, instead pulling me closer toward him.

"No, Bella. You are not going to the reservation."

"Are you going to hold me hostage?"

"If I have to."

I stared at him incredulously. Never did I think Edward would try to outright forbid me, forcibly, from doing what I chose. He had been displeased plenty of times in the past by my decisions, and made his displeasure known, but never had he forced me into anything.

"You have no right!" I tugged against his grip again, which had become painfully tight. "I love you, Edward, I do, but you need to let go and you need to do it right fucking now."

He released my arm, his expression hard and unreadable. "Thank you," I muttered angrily, turning away from him. I leaned down to pick up the overnight bag Alice had packed for me, only to find Edward had planted himself in front of the door. The only way out was through the window and down three stories.

"Are you so jealous and insecure that I can't go see my best fucking friend? He could die, Edward! Because of me! What the fuck is wrong with you?" I seethed, stomping toward the door. I crossed my arms defiantly across my chest, narrowing my eyes at him.

"If you go there, they will not let you leave," he said very slowly, as if he were speaking to a child. It only infuriated me more.

"That's bullshit! Jacob has never, ever made me do anything I didn't want to. He has _always_ respected my wishes, even when he doesn't like it! Which is more than I can say for you," I tacked on, knowing full well I was going too far.

The stoic masked remained, a flicker in his amber eyes the only hint my words had hit their mark. "You do not understand, Bella. The pack was there when the Volturi made their decision about you. As they see it, you will die either way. Either way, it will be my fault. It will violate the treaty. If you go there, they will keep you. To protect you. They will hold you until every one of them dies. And they will."

"Are you threatening them?!"

"No. I am merely telling you an unpleasant truth."

"You are merely being a first class asshole," I spat back, forcing as much sarcasm into the words as I could.

He had my shoulders locked into his viselike grip before I saw him move. The mask was off, and Edward's face was a canvas of base emotions; rage, hurt, jealousy, frustration, fear, all made their mark upon him. "Bella, you are not listening to me. The Volturi have given us two options and two options only. You die. Or you become one of us. The pack will do everything in their power to stop this. That includes fighting me to keep me from you. If it comes to that fight, I will do everything in my power to get you back. Everything. Do you understand?"

"You can't be serious, Edward. You're talking about murder."

He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, drawing in a deep breath. "Bella, I do not want to do this. I do not want to fight the pack. I only want you."

"So do it, Edward." I dropped my bag, tugging my T-shirt, Edward's T-shirt, down, and bending my neck. "Change me. Now. Then we'll be together."

"I need time to think."

"You just said yourself, there are only two choices. I die. Or I change. Pick, Edward. If you would rather I die than change me, I'm going to the reservation. At least I know they'll fight to keep me."

"This is so simple to you."

"Yes."

He said nothing, only scowling deeply. He opened his mouth to speak, only to spin around to find Alice standing behind him. "God damn it, Alice! What are you doing up here?"

"It was impossible not to overhear this conversation you're having," she replied, her tone mockingly calm. Her eyes darted from Edward, to me, and back again. "I'm sorry, Edward. I know how you like to handle things on your own. But Bella is right on this one. It's simple. You change her."

"There has to be a way…"

"No," she cut him off. "There is not. Don't be ridiculous, Edward. You won't survive without her."

"I do not intend to."

I opened my mouth to reply, but Alice was already ahead of me. "This is not your decision. It's Bella's. It's her life. You don't get to decide."

Edward's eyes settled back on me, his entire expression frozen in horror. "This is what you want?"

"Yes."

He nodded, turning back to Alice. They stared at each other silently for a long moment, before he let loose a heavy sigh. He stepped away from us, shaking his head. "No," he said simply, repeating the word several times. "No, Alice, no."

"I'll do it myself," she finally told him. "Bella is part of this family. I love her. You're not taking her life away because of your high and mighty morality. Bella?"

I looked to Alice, my heart beginning to thud heavily in my chest. "Yes?"

"We have some time. Not a lot. Do you want to go to Charlie?"

I blinked back sudden tears, my throat tightening. I had wanted the change to happen, but all I could think to myself as I watched Edward fume was, _not like this._

"I don't know what I would say."

Alice nodded, taking another long look at Edward. He remained motionless, his expression frozen. "Ok. I need to talk to Carlisle. Where… where would you like to do this?"

With Edward, I answered silently, my eyes lingering on him. "I don't care," I whispered without breaking my gaze. "I just want it done."

Panic rose as I spoke, a million thoughts racing through my mind. Charlie, Renee, Jacob, the most important people in my life outside of those in the house, all of them, just gone. I wanted to say goodbye, I wanted to explain, but I knew I had no words to express the love I felt for each of them. My heart hammered wildly inside my chest as I squeezed my eyes shut against the rising tears. I promised myself I would find a way to see each of them, to tell them how I loved them, to spend a few more years with them before it was time to move on to the next rainy city.

"I'll be back in a few minutes," Alice said quietly, making a quick exit from the room. The door clicked shut behind her, plunging the room into silence.

"Edward, please. I want this. I want to be with you. I want…I want you to do this," I begged, closing the distance between us. I flung my arms around him, desperate to have his embrace.

"I will not do this to you."

"It's going to happen, Edward. And very soon. Please…"

"I will not be a part of it."

"So what? You're just going to stand aside and let it happen? What then, Edward? What happens when I wake up and I'm like you? Will you leave again, on principle? Because you didn't want me to change?" I pushed away from him, more frustrated than I knew possible.

He reached for me, his expression torn. "I need you, Bella. I am far too selfish to stay away from you."

"Then do it yourself! Don't make Alice do this because you want to stand on principle!" I took a deep breath, forcing my shaking hands to my sides. "We both knew this was coming, Edward. It was only a matter of time. You know Alice has seen it. You told me a long time ago, no one bets against Alice."

"I thought we would have more time," he whispered, brushing his thumb along my lips as he spoke. "I am not ready for this. I wanted a life for you, Bella. I wanted graduation, and college. I wanted us to get married, and have a big wedding with your parents. I wanted time, to prove to Charlie how much I love you. All we need is for the Volturi to go back to Italy. Their sense of time is very different from yours. They would not return for years. Please, Bella. Just give me some time."

"You want to marry me?" I asked quietly, the tears finally spilling down my cheeks.

"More than I want anything else."

He leaned down, pressing his lips gently against mine. His fingers wove into my hair, tugging me closer to him. Showing traces of the abandon from the previous night, he pulled me against him, pressing every inch of our bodies together. He pulled back only when I was gasping.

Alice cleared her throat from behind us, breaking the moment. "Bella?" she asked quietly, holding the door open for me. "I'm ready when you are."

I took a deep breath and looked to Edward. I reached for one of his hands, entwining our fingers, and silently begged him to change his mind.

Chapter title = season 4, episode 9, House, "Games"


	20. i'm always wrong but you're never right

**Disclaimer: **All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

20. I'm always wrong but you're never right (paramore)

_Say something,_ I thought over and over again, my hesitant gaze flickering between Edward and Alice. _Please, God, say something._

The seconds ticked by, the silence weighing more and more heavily on the room. I shifted nervously from foot to foot as the two motionless vampires stood on either side of me. Edward had a deep scowl etched into his features while he glared at Alice, who seemed more concerned with watching me.

I was waiting for Edward to stop me, to protest. I supposed it was a bit like that day in the woods had been for him; I knew I was making a questionable decision, but without his protest, it seemed easy enough to convince myself I was doing the right thing. Edward's revelation about the power of the Volturi had me spooked; the thought of losing Edward, even to my own death, made my heart shiver.

When the quiet finally grew too much to bear, I gave Edward's fingers one final squeeze and loosened my grasp. I desperately wanted him to change his mind, but as we came down to the wire, it didn't look like it was going to happen. I could only pray that when I awoke on the metaphorical other side, Edward would have used the three days to get used to the idea.

To my utmost surprise, Edward's cool fingers tightened around mine and held firm when I tried to move away. He broke his brooding stare and turned to me with a calmer, gentler expression. "Alice, please just give me a few moments with Bella. This can certainly wait that long."

Alice paused long enough for me to nod my head before she disappeared. As soon as the door slid shut behind her, Edward had me in his arms. "Bella," he whispered in my ear. "Bella, I am begging you, do not do this. Not like this."

"I wish it wasn't like this, Edward. I wish…I wish I could see Jake. I wish I could hug my mom and make Charlie dinner. But it's not worth it. If the Volturi and Jane…if they're as bad as you say…"

"Are you doing this out of fear?"

"No!"

"You just said, you wish it were different. I have time, Bella. I have all the time you will take. I recognize that I am not going to win this argument with you. Tonight has driven that point home. All I want is time. Earlier, I started to tell you…"

"That you want to marry me," I cut in, my voice shaking with emotion. "Are _you_ just saying that out of fear?"

"No!" he replied vehemently. He took my hand and pulled me toward the worn leather couch, tugging me down onto his lap. "No, Bella, I have wanted to marry you for some time."

"I… I don't know what to say."

"You have not thought about it at all?" he asked quietly, hurt seeping into his voice.

"People our age don't get married. Not here, anyway."

"They did when I was alive."

"You _are_ alive."

He smiled ruefully and shook his head, tucking my body more firmly against his. "What has happened between us…last night…well, there would have been quite the scandal if that got out. We would have been married before any of that."

"It was a long time ago."

"Yes, I know." Edward fell silent, rubbing his fingers lightly down my arm. He leaned his head back against the couch, his eyes sliding shut. "Bella, what if there was a way for us to wait? Would you?"

I didn't answer him right away, toying with the hem of my T-shirt. As my eyes dropped, they fell again on Edward's bloodstained form. "Edward, I'm sorry. Can you please change that shirt? It's…awful," I blurted out, averting my eyes. Fresh tears pricked at my vision as I slid off his lap.

He got up in a hurry, stripping the shirt as he went. I tried to focus on the smooth expanse of his back, tracing his movements through the room as he disappeared into his closet. He emerged moments later, this time wearing only a thin white tank top. The sight of him made my heart stutter and successfully divert my attention.

It didn't escape his notice. The crooked grin I so loved appeared as he slid back down to the couch, wrapping his arms instantly around me. I breathed deeply, drawing the scent of fresh laundry and Edward down deep into my lungs. We fell into silence once more, Edward plainly content to while away the hours.

"Do you really believe Jacob would try to forcibly keep me on the reservation?" I finally asked, biting at my lip. I picked at the hem of my shirt as I spoke, pulling at an errant thread. I wound the string around my finger, then pulled some more. Pull, wind, pull, wind.

"That is a very sentimental shirt you are unraveling," Edward replied, his hands curling around mine. He wove his fingers through mine, stilling them. "And yes. I do. He loves you, Bella. I do not like it one bit, but I cannot lie to you about it. He would only be doing what he thought was best for you."

"When did you get so calm about Jacob?"

"We spent a lot of time together today. I saw more than I think he intended me to." Edward frowned, his grip on me tightening. "I am sorry, Bella. Truly. But you cannot go to the reservation."

I remained quiet, unsure what to say. I knew I wanted to go to the reservation, at least one last time. For all I knew, I would shortly be banned. I wanted to walk along the beach, laughing and joking with Jacob like we had for years. I wanted to see Jacob, and though I knew it was next to impossible, I wanted him to be ok with the path I had chosen for myself. I wanted him to accept Edward.

But I wanted Edward more.

"Then why did you send Alice away?" I finally forced myself to ask. I kept my tone as gentle as I could. It was true I didn't want to go rushing headlong into eternal life, not without saying goodbye to the mortal one first, anyway. If Edward's goal was to make the decision more difficult for me, he was a success. My heart began to race anew as I thought about the impending fire of the transformation, the fear that I would awaken to find Edward gone.

Edward untangled one of his hands from mine and reached into his pocket. Before I realized what had occurred, a small velvet box sat on top of my thigh. "This is why."

With shaking hands, I reached for the jewelry box. I knew without opening it what it would contain, but the sight shocked me no less. A beautiful antique ring lay carefully tucked into the velvet, diamonds shimmering in the low light. Emotionally exhausted, tears began to spill down my cheeks in earnest. "When did you buy this?" I whispered, running my index finger along the delicate band.

"I did not have to. It belonged to my mother." Edward reached for the ring, carefully pulling it free of the box. "I did have it sized shortly before…I…I left."

"But…how did you….how did you know what size?"

"I slipped it on your finger one night while you were sleeping," he replied quietly, reaching for my hand. It shook in his light grasp as he slowly slid the ring onto my finger, kissing the knuckle when he was through. "And then I put it away. I know, Bella, that times are different. I know that people your age do not get married like we did, before. But I admit to you, I have thought about it. I have thought about it over, and over again. I have asked myself the question too many times to count, and now, before I lose the chance, I ask you. Bella, will you marry me?"

_Before I lose the chance._ The words echoed ominously in my head as I stared at the ring on my hand, tilting it this way and that to catch the light. Instead of one huge solitaire, the ring was made up of many tiny diamonds, set into a delicate gold filigree. It reminded me of the stars in the Washington night sky; it reminded me of the perfect contentment I had felt dancing beneath the stars with Edward only weeks earlier.

I knew I wanted to marry Edward…someday. I had watched my parents' divorce unfold, and even though Charlie and Renee were both good people, it had been ugly. Renee had packed me off to Phoenix when I was young, but not so young that I didn't remember the late night fights and slammed doors. I knew that times had changed drastically, and in Edward's mind, it was perfectly acceptable to be asking me that question before high school was over. But it had been pounded into my head that marriage was a very big deal, and something you only did when you were behind the idea one-hundred percent.

Edward himself was the only thing I was one-hundred percent on. The rest was fuzzy, at best.

The silence dragged on, silent tears streaming down my cheeks as I stared at the ring, lost in my own thoughts. I believed Edward wanted to marry me, someday. But I was stuck on _before I lose the chance._ Did Edward not want to marry me then? Was he just asking because he thought the Volturi were going to come for us? Was he trying to bind me to him so I would obey his command to not go to the reservation?

Romance was Edward's forte, not mine. He had proved it time and again, filling my bedroom with flowers, and penning sentimental notes. Yet here we were, with what was supposed to be _the_ most romantic moment of a girl's life, and it wasn't. We were sitting on his couch, Edward in dirty jeans and an undershirt, me in jeans and his T-shirt. There was no down-on-one-knee, no flowering speech. Tears were pouring down my cheeks, and they weren't happy tears.

_Not like this!_

My mind shrieked its protest over and over from the recess of my thoughts, trying desperately to be heard. In the Greek tragedy of the day, there was the chorus and its warning: Not. Like. This.

"Bella?" Edward asked quietly. His voice was excruciating, pain ripping through the two syllables of my name.

I tore my eyes away from the ring, snatching it from my finger and holding it out on my flat palm. My hand trembled. "I can't, Edward. Not now."

When he didn't take the ring, I scrambled off his lap. I carefully put the ring down on the couch cushion beside him and began to pace. Edward remained silent, watching as I tore a path into the carpet. He must have heard my heart racing; the sound of blood pulsing through my veins was thunderous in my own ears.

"Is that a no?" he finally asked. There was a subtle tremor to his voice that stopped me dead in my tracks. Edward was usually so still, so collected, that even the hint of a crack in his façade gave me pause. When I turned my gaze to him, I saw he was turning the ring over and over.

"No. It's just not now. I want to marry you, Edward…someday. I just turned eighteen! And you said, 'before I lose the chance'. It just…this isn't how I thought this would be." I stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, my hands shoved in my pockets and my shoulders hunched. "Edward, just last night…we were just teenagers last night. We went to homecoming, and I drank Mike's stupid punch, and I lied to my dad about where I was going so I could spend the night with my boyfriend. How do we go from that to, 'let's get married'?"

"Do you think I am only asking you now because of the Volturi?"

"Yes."

He nodded, but said nothing. His eyes closed again, head falling back. Only the constant movement of his hands, turning the ring over and over again, betrayed him as anything other than a statue. His silence made me uncomfortable, like there was some crucial piece I was missing.

And then it hit me.

"I get it," I whispered aloud, watching him for any kind of response. "I get it, Edward."

His eyes flew open, brows furrowed. "That I want to marry you?" he asked quizzically. The lilt of hope in his voice tore at my heart.

"No." I crossed the room, sitting down on the edge of the couch and folding myself into a corner. "All of it. I get what you mean about changing me."

"Bella, love, I have no idea what you are talking about. I wish I could read your mind, but you know I cannot."

I took a deep breath before launching into my explanation. "It's not that I don't want to marry you. I do. I just don't want to do it like this, today. I feel like you're only asking because we've got this impending doom hanging over our heads, like there's some pressing timeline. It feels like you're trying to squeeze as much life into right now as you can, like somehow if you don't ask me, you won't get the chance again. But people don't get married this young anymore. And I'm not ready. You tell me sometimes, 'it's how I was raised'. Well, this is how I was raised. I can't get married in high school. I can't be engaged in high school."

His eyes narrowed as I spoke, and I could tell he was just waiting for a place to jump in, but I didn't let him. I barreled on. "And I just realized, and you can tell me if I'm wrong, but I think this is how you feel about changing me. One day, but not today, right? My brain just keeps screaming 'not like this' about this entire night, and I don't want any of it. I don't want us to be like this, tense, and angry with each other, going through some of the biggest moments of our lives. I want to be with you, Edward. I want to be with you for as long as you'll have me. But I can't put that ring on my finger. And I can't do it for the same reason you can't put your teeth in my neck."

"That is quite the visual," he replied wryly after a pause, but the crooked smile was working its way onto his face. "Am I to understand that you are asking me for time?"

"Yes," I said sheepishly, a blush rising to my tearstained cheeks. "Yeah, I think I am."

Edward laughed quietly, reaching for me. In one swift moment, I was in his arms, and the stench of desperation that had filled the room began to finally dissipate. He kissed my forehead lightly, tightening his grasp on me. "That is all I have been asking for, love."

"I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but…"

"You do not have to explain yourself, to me, Bella," Edward cut in, effectively shushing me with a soft kiss. "I think we finally understand one another."

I nodded, nuzzling into his neck and sighing heavily. I wanted to stay in the moment, relish in the relief rushing through me. Outside of Edward's room, the world was still in chaos. The Volturi were still coming for me; Jake was still bleeding on the reservation, out of my reach. I hoped that with the promise of time, I could see Jacob again.

As we fell into a comfortable silence, my eyes slid shut. I was emotionally and physically exhausted, and finally coming down from the adrenaline rush I had been on for hours. I knew it was getting late – the dark night beyond Edward's windows drove the point home. Charlie would be looking for me soon, wondering why I had yet to return home. I also knew he would suspect it had something to do with Edward, and that would just upset him more.

"Bella?" Edward's reluctance was obvious as he shifted me gently, waiting for my eyes to open. "We need to go talk to Carlisle, love," he said quietly, twining our fingers together. "He spent a lot of time with the Volturi. I think he can reason with them."

"What do you mean, reason? I thought you said they don't make exceptions," I replied, fear creeping back in.

"We are not asking for an exception. I understand Jane's order, but I do not want _anyone_ in this world to decide when you are ready for it. I hope that we can convince them that your change is merely a matter of time. And that our secret is safer if we wait."

"How is that?"

He chuckled darkly, pulling me to my feet. "If you disappear in the middle of the year from school, people will ask questions. If you run off to marry the love of your life after you graduate, people will gossip. But no one will think you anything other than silly."

"See? People will think I'm silly if we get engaged now! Even you know that." I poked playfully at his chest, giggling as he pulled me against him.

He turned serious, running his thumb down my cheek. "Yes, I know. But I do not care one bit about what any of those people think, Bella. You need to know that. I understand your objection, but I would still marry you right here, right now."

"And I would have you change me, right here, right now, and not care about the sort of questions people might ask," I retorted. Edward had once told me we were at an impasse over the matter, and I felt it then more acutely in that moment than I had ever before. I stared up into his eyes, noticing the deep bruises under them, the blackness of his pupils extending out through the irises. Edward's exhaustion was plainly evident on his features, the emotional turmoil we had put each other through traceable in the furrow of his brow.

I pushed myself onto the tips of my toes, wrapping my arms tightly around Edward's neck and pressing my mouth to his. I needed to feel his arms around me, his body pressed to mine, before we left the safety of his room. He responded tentatively at first, his bare arms holding me to him gently. But as the kiss went on, his hands tangled in my hair and his breath became ragged each time I gasped for air.

When he finally released me, my face was flush and my breath came in pants. I took a step back from Edward to compose myself. Jasper would pick up on our mood the second we entered the living room if I couldn't check my hormones. In the middle of a crisis, lust was the entirely wrong emotion to present to the family.

"Sorry," I mumbled, rubbing my lips. "I, um, I don't know why I did that."

"Please do not apologize for kissing me," Edward replied, wrapping one arm around my waist. "Do not ever apologize for kissing me."

I grinned up at him and took a deep breath as we headed for the door. There was no guarantee our plan would work; all the time it had taken for Edward and I to be on the same page would mean nothing if the Volturi refused to bend. Like many of the grimmer details of his life, Edward had told me next to nothing about the ruling class. Jane sounded vicious; if the rest were anything like her, I feared for our future.

As we descended the stairs, the tension began to close in around us. It was thick enough to clog the air, making it difficult to breathe. I snuck a glance at Jasper, who I was sure had something to do with it. Sure enough, his brow was furrowed, his hand tightly grasping Alice's. He looked up when we hit the bottom of the stairs, his expression guarded. He instantly looked to Edward, engaging him in another of their silent conversations.

Alice was the only one who looked relaxed; her expression bordered on smug. She smiled brightly when she saw me, patting a spot on the couch next to her.

The entire family was gathered. Alice was sitting in one corner of the couch, Jasper standing anxiously beside her. Carlisle stood beside the fireplace, speaking quietly but intently with Esme. Emmett had claimed an overstuffed armchair, Rosalie on his lap. She looked bored, but Emmett's features were twisted with frustration. He had not changed his blood-spattered shirt.

Carlisle broke off his conversation as we entered, his eyes going first to Edward's arm wrapped securely around my waist before he allowed a tiny smile. Edward took a seat on the couch beside Alice, pulling me down with him.

"Alice says you have changed your mind, Bella?" Carlisle asked gently, turning his attention toward the family. "You do not want to go through with the change?"

I shook my head, shooting a quick glance at Alice. I should have known she would begin searching my future the moment the door had closed behind her; she had to have known something was brewing by the look on Edward's face when he had asked her to leave. "Not now, Carlisle. If it can be helped…" I let my voice trail off, watching Edward's face as I spoke. His jaw tightened at the words, but he was otherwise calm.

"I'm not sure if it can," he replied honestly. He ran his fingers through his hair, which looked nearly as disheveled as Edward's. It was an odd look for the usually oh-so-composed doctor. "I know them very well. I believe we can appeal to Aro the most. I wanted to speak to you first, but I will make the call."

"The most?"

"Aro is a romantic. He has heard about your and Edward's unique situation. It intrigues him."

"Is that good?"

"He is a very curious man. He may agree merely so he can watch how it plays out." Carlisle said the words calmly, but his tone was marked by a degree of disgust. I remembered my conversation with Edward about Carlisle's time with the Volturi and suppressed a shudder. I could only imagine what Aro's curiosity may have led to in the brutal medieval years Carlisle had been present for.

"Alice, can't you see if they will agree?" Edward cut in, his tone exasperated.

"No," she said quietly, looking to Jasper before Edward. "It's confused. They must have found out about how my gift works. Nothing is definitive other than that Aro will answer Carlisle's call. He _is_ curious. Especially after hearing from Jane about how this afternoon went."

_What does _that_ mean?_ I raised my eyebrows at her, only to be ignored. Turning to Edward, I found him lost in his own thoughts, his eyes focused on the ceiling. The only perceivable change to his demeanor was the tightening of his grasp on my waist.

"Then I will make the call. Edward, would you come with me, please? I believe he will want to speak to you." Carlisle took one step in the direction of the stairs, I assumed to his study. He hesitated, glancing back at where Edward still sat beside me, his grip tight. "He may want to speak to Bella…"

"No!" Edward snapped, his attention finally diverted from the wall. He rose quickly, leaving me on the couch. "There is no reason for him to speak to her. He can talk to me." He squeezed my hand tightly once more, than disappeared up the stairs with Carlisle.

I couldn't decide how to feel about his actions. I was slightly hurt that he was going to face this on his own, that if anything, he didn't want me there to hold his hand. But then I felt a tad ridiculous; Edward didn't need me to hold his hand. He was constantly trying to protect me, to take care of me, and I fought him every step of the way. With such a serious threat hanging over our heads, I rationalized it would be best to let him handle this one.

"I think this is the first smart decision you've made," Rosalie announced suddenly. I turned toward her, both annoyed and confused.

"Rose," Emmett cautioned, speaking for the first time. His voice sounded as exhausted as Edward's eyes had looked. "Don't…"

"I'm fine," I protested, curious. Rosalie had never bothered to address me directly before. Esme smiled tightly as my eyes flickered around the room, and I recalled our earlier conversation. She had insisted that Rosalie didn't actually hate me, but that there were some other deep-seated issues prodding her behavior. Maybe I was about to hear it from the horse's mouth.

"You have a choice, Bella," Rosalie began to explain, her voice tinged with bitterness. "None of us had that. Don't waste it."

"I'm not!" I protested, crossing my arms defensively across my chest. "But you're wrong. The way everyone is acting, I may not have a choice."

"You do."

"Rose!" Emmett's eyes flashed with a rare anger as he pushed her away, rising to his feet. He towered over her, even though she was wearing heeled boots. "Stop."

She ignored him, taking his vacated seat and crossing her legs. Her own arms folded across her chest, the same defensive position I had taken. With narrowed eyes and a flick of her hair, she caught me in her stare. "You don't know what this life is. Dying early is better than never dying at all."

"I'm sorry, Bella," Emmett immediately began to apologize, stepping in front of Rosalie. "It's been a long day. Rosalie doesn't…"

"Don't you speak for me, Emmett."

He turned back to her, his shoulders rigid with tension. "Stop it."

The tension in the room rose a notch, my blood running icy. I wondered if Edward was paying attention on the floor above, if he could feel the malice rolling off of Rosalie; I wondered if he could hear how my heart had begun to race.

"Enough," Esme cut in, a mother's force behind the single word. "Rosalie, Bella is part of this family. Your brother needs her. You will keep your opinion to yourself unless asked for it." She came to stand near me, one hand on my shoulder. "This day has been stressful enough for us all. You are not helping."

"Whatever," she muttered darkly, rising to her feet. Without another word, she stalked through the living room to the glass door at the back of the house and threw it open. Emmett offered an embarrassed apology before going after her.

"She really thinks it would be better to die than live your life?" I wondered aloud, looking from Alice and Jasper to Esme.

"Her opinion is not ours," Alice answered instantly. "You're family, Bella. And Edward needs you. I think even Rosalie knows that."

"He's tougher than you all think."

"No, Bella," Jasper broke in, surprising me. "When it comes to you, he's much more vulnerable than you realize. You are his weakness." His tone had none of the caustic undertone that Rosalie's had had, but the words were said in a detached sort of way; it was a statement of fact, with no emotion.

"That's not a bad thing," Alice hurriedly tacked on, shooting a glare at Jasper. She moved closer to me on the couch, disentangling her fingers from Jasper's grip.

"I didn't say it was," he replied, a hint of surprise in his voice. "Alice, I know you are my weakness. I know how Edward feels."

I nodded, trying to understand what he was getting at. Jasper's tension had been tugging at my nerves since we had come down the stairs; I couldn't understand for the life of me what he was so worried about. The way I saw it, either option would – eventually – work out. I was definitely hoping for one scenario over the other, in which Edward and I could control our own lives, but the other would work out, too. Eventually.

Alice hissed something under her breath, speaking far too rapidly for me to catch the entire sentence, but I picked out two distinct words: "Scare her."

"What?" I asked, the hairs on the back of my neck beginning to rise. "What's going to scare me?"

Alice whipped back to face me, sighing heavily when she saw the curiosity on my face. "Edward's right. You really are very observant." I stared at her expectantly when she paused, waiting until she began again.

"I told Jasper not to scare you. He has…a unique perspective. I don't think it's helpful right now," she said, a sternness to the words. I knew the last sentence was directed at him more so than at me.

"Alice, I'm really tired of everyone being so cryptic around here. Please explain."

"I was a soldier," Jasper said quietly, ignoring Alice's glare. "In this life and in the one before. Alice says I evaluate everything as if I were going into battle."

"And you think I'm a liability?"

"Yes."

"Is there going to be a battle?"

"No!" Alice cut in, shooting an angry glare over her shoulder at Jasper. "There is not going to be any battles or wars. You are not going to die. Aro is a reasonable man. He will see that Edward's way is the best way, and this will work out."

"Did you see that? Or are you just telling me that?"

She sighed, answering evasively, "I know it." Something flickered in her eyes, and then she smiled. "I've seen it."

Edward reappeared at that moment, Carlisle by his side. His expression was grim, which puzzled me when coupled with Alice's new giddiness. "What happened?" I asked, jumping to my feet. "What's wrong?"

"They want to see us."

"Ok, well, then they'll see us. You said they're already in Washington."

"Jane is in Washington. The rest of them are in Italy."

"So when will they be here?"

"They will not be coming here. We are to go to them."

"But that's good, Edward!" Alice exclaimed, her smile lighting up her face. "We were right, about Aro being curious."

"Alice, he wants us to come to him – to his fortress, atop a hill, in a city where he is very nearly considered a god, in a country with a corrupt and chaotic government." Instead of looking to either of us, Edward's gaze fell firmly on Jasper. "It's a trap."

"You don't know that, Edward," Carlisle said quietly. "Aro is a reasonable man. I would not have spent as long with him as I did if there was not some good in him."

Edward ignored him, intent on Jasper, waiting for a reply from him. I followed his gaze, anxious. "Do we have to go?" I finally asked, grabbing Edward's hand.

"Yes." The answer came in unison from Edward, Carlisle and Jasper.

"Ok. Then we go." I took a deep breath, moving closer to Edward. "When do we leave and what the hell do I tell Charlie?"

Chap title = paramore

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	21. in defense of our dreams

**Disclaimer: **All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

21. in defense of our dreams

By the time I found myself sitting in a plush first-class seat, the sudden act of being still was a shock to my body and mind. Since the moment the ominous decision had been agreed upon to go to Italy, I had been in constant motion.

Winning Charlie over had gone more smoothly than I could have hoped. Carlisle stepped in with a solution. He called Charlie and explained that his mother had passed away in Italy. He went on to say that Edward had been extremely close to his grandmother since childhood and would be attending the funeral; Edward needed me, and Carlisle and Esme would be there to supervise. Though I could hear the begrudging tone in his voice as I stood anxiously next to Carlisle in Charlie's faded yellow kitchen, he had agreed with a reluctant nod. By the time I had reached my bedroom, Edward had already packed a bag.

"We are on the first flight out," he had whispered furiously as I dug through my desk for my passport. "It leaves in two hours."

"We're never going to make it, Edward! Port Angeles is nearly an hour away, and you're supposed to _be_ there two hours before for an international flight!"

"There are no flights to Rome out of Port Angeles. We are flying out of Seattle. And we will make it," he had told me firmly, pressing a kiss to my forehead before slipping back out the window.

I never should have doubted him.

Once out of Charlie's sight, Carlisle had handed me off to Edward. No amount of begging or bribing had managed to get Carlisle, Alice and Jasper on the same flight as Edward and I, so they would be several hours behind. I was barely in the Volvo before Edward was tearing down the street in the direction of the 101.

"It's nearly a four hour drive!" I had protested as Edward slammed the gas down, a crazed look in his eyes.

"It is barely one hundred fifty miles. We will be there in about an hour."

My eyes had flashed to the speedometer, which sure enough read in excess of one-fifty. We had already crossed into Olympic National Park. As we sped down the road, the trees loomed ominously in the dark. I had squeezed my eyes shut and refused to open them for the rest of the trip; I knew Edward's reflexes, and I knew his love for speed, but being in a car moving that quickly made me nauseous with anxiety.

Edward's muttered curses had altered me to our imminent arrival at the airport. As we approached Sea-Tac the traffic grew thicker, and Edward violently swerved around cars to get us to the terminal. By the time he was throwing his keys to a valet, my knees felt like jelly. I had a hard time getting out of the car. With a glare at the parking attendant, Edward wrapped one arm securely around my waist and guided me quickly into the terminal.

With only small carry-on bags – Edward assured me our trip to Italy was going to be a short one – we checked in via one of the kiosks and made our way through security with boarding passes in hand. I was breathless by the time we arrived at the gate, hiding behind Edward as the flight attendant glowered at us. We were the last ones on the plane, the doors clanging shut behind us.

I dropped into my seat as Edward quickly stowed our bags, leaning my head back against the smooth leather. It reminded me of Edward's car and made me feel slightly safer. When Edward himself finally slid into the seat beside me and took my hand, I let loose the breath I felt I had been holding for hours.

"It is nearly fourteen hours to Rome," Edward said gently, raising the armrest between us and wrapping me in his arms. "You should try to sleep."

"I don't think I can," I protested, though I snuggled into his arms. "What's going to happen when we get there?"

"I do not know," Edward answered tightly. "Sleep, love. There is nothing we can do until the plane lands." He ran his fingers through my hair, humming quietly as the plane taxied down the runway. The emotional exhaustion of the day overcame me and I fell into a fitful sleep.

I awoke hours later with my head in Edward's lap and his arm tightly around my waist. Edward had placed the thin airline blanket over me, his sweatshirt folded beneath my head as a pillow. He was feigning sleep, his eyes closed and head reclined against the seat.

"How much longer?" I asked groggily, twisting into a sitting position. My body felt like lead from the position I had slept in. I stretched my hands over my head in an attempt to work out the cramps.

"An hour or so," he replied, watching me as I tried to straighten my hair. "Do you want something to drink? You were still asleep when they came around with coffee earlier."

I didn't have the chance to protest; Edward had already pushed the button for the attendant before he finished speaking. I noticed that when she arrived, the young blonde was much more concerned with Edward than I thought professionalism required.

"How can I help you, sir?" she asked with a flirtatious smile.

"My fiancée was asleep when you came through earlier. Could you please bring her some coffee? I believe juice and a bagel would be good as well." His eyes never left me as he spoke, which made me feel worlds better about the three buttons _Brittany_ hadn't been bothered to do up.

"Fiancée?" I muttered darkly as she walked away, glaring at Edward.

He shrugged, his crooked grin firmly in place. "You said someday. That is a form of yes. I just have to wait."

I gaped at him incredulously, trying to ignore the small thrill I had felt tingling down my spine when Edward had used the term so casually. "Besides," he whispered in my ear, pressing several soft kisses to my neck, "That girl needed to understand that I belong to you and to you alone."

I blushed deeply when I realized the flight attendant was once again standing right next to us. Without a word, she handed a tray into Edward's outstretched hand and huffed away. Edward chuckled.

"You knew she was there!" I accused, unable to keep a small giggle from escaping. "Poor girl couldn't help herself staring at you."

"I am not hers to stare at." He reached over me, pulling the tray up from its compartment at my side. "Please eat something."

The airplane's coffee was awful, and the bagel stale, but I forced it all down for Edward's benefit. At least the juice was Tropicana and prepackaged, so they couldn't screw it up. Edward tried to keep me distracted through the final hour of the flight, rambling on about the history of Rome and the surrounding countryside. It was only when we could see the tarmac outside his window that he finally quieted.

"Are we staying in Rome tonight or going straight there?" I asked softly as Edward and I stood in the line for customs. The Italians moved slowly and the lines were long. Though I had slept through most of the flight, I was exhausted and not at all ready to face the Volturi. I prayed Edward felt the same.

"Straight there." He didn't look at me as he spoke, though I could feel his body go rigid beside me. "I want this done, Bella. I want us to go back to Forks."

"But what about the others? How will they have time to catch up?"

"They come because they want to, Bella. Whatever happens is going to happen. Alice seems to think that because she can see so much, she always knows how things will turn out. She has been wrong before."

"You've always told me not to bet against her."

"Do you remember when I first came back to Forks?" he asked quietly as we inched our way forward. I had to strain to hear him through the noise and confusion of the customs line.

"How could I forget?" I asked, forcing myself to keep the bitterness at bay.

"That first night, after we…talked at school, do you remember when I came to your room? Alice told me not to. She told me that if I came to your room that night, I would never be able to fix things between us. She was wrong. I think that night saved us."

"I wanted so badly to hate you," I remembered aloud, catching his gaze as I looked up. "I was so close to telling you to get out. But I couldn't. I needed you. I still do." I reached down for his hand, lacing my fingers between his. The coolness of his skin was a comfort in the hot, stifling line.

Edward lied easily when we finally reached the customs window. He told the surly-looking agent with too much hair gel that we had flown in for a few days to celebrate our new engagement, and put enough arrogance behind the words to easily convince the man we were just another spoiled set of Americans with too much money. Our short stay would not be questioned.

But I kept my left hand firmly in my pocket, just in case.

I followed Edward through the airport, mildly disappointed by what I saw. For some reason, I had expected the airport to announce itself as Italian much more so than it did. I hadn't done a lot of travel growing up; mostly, I just shuttled between Phoenix, Forks, and a handful of vacations in California with Charlie. Though I knew from past experience all airports tended to look the same on the inside, I had expected it to be different in Rome. I was sorely mistaken.

It wasn't until we had exited the airport and began speeding through the Roman traffic that the sensation of being in a foreign country sank in. Edward drove as he always did – bordering on insanity – but in Italy, he was in good company. The roads were not maintained, nor as clearly marked as they were in Washington, but it didn't stop the drivers from acting as though they were on a groomed racetrack.

I dug my nails firmly into the armrest and held on for dear life.

We cleared the airport traffic and the Italian countryside emerged. It looked like a postcard with endless blue sky and gentling rolling golden hills. I wished for my camera, but with a chill remembered that Edward and I were not a couple away on a vacation.

"How far is it?" I asked nervously, staring out the windshield for some hint of Volterra.

"We should be there in about twenty minutes."

"Oh." I didn't know what else to say, so I fell into silence. Edward drove with one hand, the other tightly grasping mine. With each mile, the tension in the car grew.

"Edward," I finally said gently, pulling on my hand. "Edward, you're hurting me." His grip had grown progressively tighter as we had grown closer to Volterra until I was forced to say something. The tiny bones in my fingers felt ready to snap.

He instantly released my hand as if it were on fire, clamping both hands down firmly on the steering wheel. "Sorry," he muttered through gritted teeth, his eyes firmly on the road. The muted afternoon sunlight fell on his hands through the glass, making his skin shimmer.

I wanted to tell him to relax, that I could see how tightly he was wound; I wanted to tell him to calm down, that it would all work out for the best. I wanted to be the optimistic one, cheering for our happy ending. But I couldn't. A knot of fear twisted deep in my stomach, and with it came an accompanying sense of dread I couldn't shake. I wished desperately Alice was with us.

Edward's driving slowed as the hilltop town came into view. He gave me a tight smile, but his face was drawn into a troubled expression.

We twisted through narrow streets, buildings packing more and more tightly together as we ascended the hill. I could see the tall towers of an old fortress at the very top, the Italian flag fluttering high above in the wind. It all looked very normal, which ironically only made me more anxious. A handful of tourists milled about the town square as we slowly drove by, but other than that the town was quiet. The clock on the dash of the rental car indicated it was nearly seven in the evening, so it made sense the streets were mostly empty. But it still had me unsettled.

"Where are we going?"

"There is an underground garage beneath the fortress. Carlisle said they will be expecting us."

"A parking garage under a castle?"

"Yes." The comment earned me the ghost of a smirk, but nothing else. Edward stayed silent, his eyes carefully fixed directly ahead. My heart began to hammer as we approached the fortress, the road narrowing further as we circled around the bricks and began to descend again. Edward turned sharply and suddenly down a barely visible drive, a very modern gate opening seemingly of its own accord.

"Bella, I am not going to let anything happen to you," Edward said in a low tone as we drove into the garage, the dim florescent light a sudden change from the bright late afternoon sun. His hand reached out for mine again, touch carefully light. He brought my hand up to his lips, kissing my skin lightly. "I love you."

"I love you, too," I replied, forcing my voice level. I knew Edward could hear my heart racing; he didn't need a shaking voice to amplify his fears.

Edward stopped the car with a sigh, staring blankly ahead. I strained forward, trying to see into the distant darkness whatever it was that made Edward stop so suddenly. I was shocked to see a gorgeous woman in a pencil skirt and jacket walking toward us, the flush of her face in the headlights revealing her as human.

I scrambled to follow as Edward got out of the car, not bothering to hide his unnatural speed. If he intended to frighten the woman, his plan failed miserably; she only offered him the same bright smile every other woman did.

"Edward, Bella, I am Gianna. I will show you to your rooms," she said, her voice heavily accented. "Your bags are already taken care of." I felt more than saw the shadows moving quickly around us. It sent another chill down my spine. I wanted very badly to be back in Forks.

"We are not staying," Edward said firmly, glaring at Gianna. "Aro wanted to see us. We came immediately. We will see him, and we will go home."

"Ah, unfortunately, that will be impossible. Aro is unavailable until the morning. I assure you, the accommodations are very good."

"We will stay in town."

"Aro insisted you stay here. The rooms in the castle are much better suited to you and the lovely Miss Swan than any of those, how you say, 'tourist traps' in town." Gianna's voice didn't waver, but she looked nervous as she waited for Edward's reply. Glancing over at him, I could see why; he was seething, anger rolling off of him in waves. Even I knew it wasn't a request or an invitation.

"That is very kind," Edward finally replied, wrapping his arm protectively around my shoulders. "Please thank him for me."

"Of course." Her relief was visible as she began to lead us toward a bank of elevators, her heels clicking against the concrete floor. "Right this way."

I took a deep breath as we followed. I had half-expected to be led up a winding, shadowy staircase, and was relieved to find myself instead in a very modern elevator. The elevator doors opened to thick carpeting and burgundy walls, ornate gold fixtures covering the walls. It could have been any expensive hotel.

Gianna led us to the end of the hall, inserting an electric keycard into a slot in the door and pushing it open. I followed in a daze behind Edward, our fingers locked together.

The room reminded me instantly we were in a castle. The exterior wall was exposed stone, curving gently. _We're in one of the towers_, I thought to myself with a shiver. _It really is like we're prisoners. _

Not that you could tell from the rest of the surroundings. A king size bed occupied most of the opposite wall with an ornately carved headboard and down comforter. The entire room was furnished in Baroque decor, from the chairs to the drapes and the lamps. It was as if we had gone back in time by four-hundred years.

"Bella, if you would like anything to eat, or if you need anything at all, actually, please do not hesitate to ask. Edward, I apologize but, uh, Aro did not…"

"It is fine," he cut in, his glare more pronounced than it had been in the garage. "I am not hungry."

"I'll call if I need anything, thanks," I mumbled, pressing myself against Edward as I waited for her to leave. What I really wanted was to take a shower and change my clothes; I was still wearing the same jeans and Edward's ratty T-shirt I had put on Sunday morning.

She smiled as she turned to leave, though it was obviously forced. Edward had her unsettled, and not in the way he usually affected women. It was rare for me to see him acting like the dangerous predator I knew he was, but I was grateful for it. I was beginning to have doubts that we would be allowed to leave the fortress – ever.

As the door clicked shut behind her, I sighed and turned toward the bed where our bags sat neatly waiting for us. There was nothing either of us could do.

Edward stalked toward the window, snapping the curtains shut. He traced the walls, his eyes carefully searching before he turned back to me with a sigh. "I do not think they will be watching us, here."

"Oh, good. I didn't even think of that." I shifted my weight from foot to foot, wishing I could throw myself into his arms and forget the entire day. When he remained silent across the room, his hands balled into tight fists at his sides, I gave up. I dug through the bag he had hastily packed for me, relieved to find Edward had followed my tastes more than Alice would have. The clothes were comfortable and familiar.

"I'm, um, going to go take a shower, ok?" Edward didn't answer me. I sighed, grabbing the clothes and my toiletries. I let the bathroom door fall shut behind me without a word from Edward.

The bathroom was a stark modern contrast to the rest of the room. The floor and walls were coated in marble, white and expensive looking. Fluffy towels hung neatly on the wall beside the mirror, a tiny basket of shampoos and soaps on the vanity. I sighed, reaching for the tap and turning the water as hot as it would go. I let the room fill with steam as I combed out my hair and brushed my teeth, waiting to see if maybe, just maybe, Edward would open the door.

He didn't.

I turned the water temperature back down to a more tolerable level and stepped beneath the spray. For a centuries old building, the water pressure was remarkably strong. It felt heavenly against my tense shoulders and sore body. I had once heard that airline travel was God's way of making you look like your passport photo; truer words had never been spoken.

Though I knew he wouldn't intrude on my shower – it had only been panic that had sent him rushing into his bathroom – I secretly hoped he would join me as I took my time. I needed to have his arms around me, to feel the passion between us before panic took over completely.

When I finally emerged from the bathroom in a tank top and sweats, Edward was sitting still as a statue on the edge of the bed. He was on his cell phone, speaking rapidly. A tray rested atop the long dresser, an assortment of food and drinks laid out. In typical Edward fashion, he had gone completely overboard. I glanced over my shoulder at him, hoping for some kind of response, but he only continued to talk into the phone with his eyes fixed on the carpet in front of him.

I had to smile to myself when I realized one of the options before me was mushroom ravioli. The night in Port Angeles came rushing back, the night I had always thought of as our first date. I snuck another glance at Edward as I grabbed the dish and a fork, but he didn't look up.

Carefully tucking a bottle of water beneath one arm, I padded over to the bed. Ignoring Edward as thoroughly as he seemed to be ignoring me, I climbed atop the bed and settled back against the headboard. I stabbed at the ravioli, spearing a piece and shoving it in my mouth.

The low rumble of his voice ceased, and I watched as he slid the phone into his pocket. "That's awfully romantic of you, you know," I told him, popping another piece of pasta into my mouth.

He chuckled, finally turning to me. "I was not sure whether or not you would remember."

"Of course I remember, Edward. It was our first date."

"I always thought of the afternoon in the meadow as our first date. That night in Port Angeles…that was just the night I gave up trying to keep myself from you."

I looked up from my pasta to find him staring intently at me, his eyes dark. The intensity of his gaze sent a thrill through me as I forced myself to continue eating my ravioli. He took the bowl out of my hands the moment I was finished, setting it down on one of the nightstands as I drained the bottle of water. I had been thirstier than I had realized.

"You have not brushed your hair?" he asked as he moved closer, his fingers lingering on the damp strands hanging around my shoulders.

"Didn't seem important. We're obviously not going anywhere tonight."

He nodded, a flash of irritation flickering in his eyes. He reached down to the floor where my bag lay, fishing a comb out and looking at me hesitantly. "I can do it for you," he said quietly.

"Ok."

I turned my back to him, leaning back against his chest as he began to carefully comb out my hair. It was oddly comforting. I had always loved when Edward would run his fingers through my hair, but the tender act of him combing the tangles out felt infinitely better. Edward was always trying to take care of me, to protect me from some new awful threat, but I felt it more in those moments than I had when he was stopping speeding vans or tracking psychotic vampires.

When he was through, he dropped the comb back down on top of my bag, but he didn't move from behind me. Instead, he dropped his lips to my shoulder, trailing soft kisses up my neck until he reached my ear. With each kiss, I felt goosebumps rising on my skin. I had to force myself to keep my hands still at my sides. "Nothing is more important to me than you," he whispered in my ear before pulling me around to face him. "Nothing," he repeated, trailing his thumb down my cheek and across my lips.

His eyes were lidded, the dim light revealing them to be nearly black. I pushed myself forward, crawling onto his lap and planting my knees on either side of his hips. I expected him to stop me, to push me away, but he didn't. He wrapped his arms around my waist and held me to him, leaning his cheek down to my shoulder. I tangled my fingers in his hair, leaning down to press soft kisses on his neck as we fell silent.

"Edward, I'm scared," I finally whispered into the quiet. He picked his head up, concern lacing his features. "I love you so much it hurts."

"I _will_ keep you safe, Bella."

I choked out a laugh. "Edward, we're in a fortress. In the middle of Italy. Alice and Jasper and Carlisle are god knows where. Aro is playing some sort of mind fuck on us, making us wait for him all night. You all thought this was a trap. And I have to say, it's starting to look that way. And you just might not be in control, this time, and you're…"

My voice was becoming increasingly shrill; even I could hear the rising panic as the words tumbled out of my mouth faster than I could stop them. Edward silenced me, pressing his lips firmly against mine. He didn't say anything – we both knew there was nothing for him to say.

It may have started as Edward's attempt to distract me, but the fear that had taken hold of us both soon took over. Edward's touches became more frenzied, his mouth more urgent. He pressed me back against the mattress, his body covering mine. I kept expecting him to stop, to protest, as I pulled his shirt over his head. He didn't flinch as I ran my hands down his chest, popping open the button of his jeans and forcing them down his hips with my feet.

Instead, his own hands pulled at my clothes, quickly ridding me of my shirt and sweatpants. He rolled us over after tossing my shirt to the floor, looking up at me as we paused in our breathless kisses. I was panting and I followed his eyes to my heaving chest. "You're beautiful," he whispered, his eyes racing to meet mine. They were dark as obsidian. He reached for me, crushing me back down to him as his mouth assaulted mine anew. His hands wandered freely, caressing every inch of skin he found. He hesitated only when his fingers hit the clasp of my bra, but it was a brief hesitation. I let the straps fall down my arms and took a deep breath before looking to Edward. I was still bent over him, so he couldn't see anything, but I knew he could feel my suddenly bare skin against his.

With a low moan, he yanked the sheets down and flipped me back over to the other side of the bed. I felt my cheeks redden as he stared down at me, his fingers ghosting down from where my collarbones met to my navel. When I finally found the courage to look up into his gaze, he smiled the crooked smile I loved. I felt all the apprehension drain away as I reached up for him, pulling him back down to me.

Our kisses slowed, long and languid, as we lay in each other's arms. Edward drew the blankets over his shoulders to keep me warm, his fingers tangling in my hair. "I love you," he murmured in between kisses, "I love you."

The more Edward kissed me, the more I ached for him. Though he was in my arms, his entire body pressed to mine, I felt as though he was on the other side of the ocean. I needed him. I lifted my hips to his, hoping he would take the hint as I kissed him more forcefully.

I felt his hesitation again, but it was only that. After a slight pause, he returned the passion of my kisses, tentatively grinding his hips against mine. I hooked one leg around him, encouraging him to continue. I remembered the night in his bedroom, when he hadn't needed the encouragement, and used my leg to pull his body more tightly against mine.

"Bella," he groaned, burying his face in my neck. "Bella…"

"I need you, Edward," I whispered, wrapping my arms around his chest. I leaned up, kissing along his shoulder and neck. "I love you. Please."

He pulled back, but kept his eyes steady on mine. "What if…what if something goes wrong?"

"What if we wake up tomorrow and Aro decides we're never leaving? What if one of them sneaks in here in the middle of the night and drains me dry and lights you on fire? What if we actually get out of here alive and some terrorist blows up our plane? I'm tired of 'what if' Edward. I don't care about 'what if'. I care about you, and me, and now," I said in a rush. I placed my hands on either side of his face, forcing him to continue looking at me. "I care about us. Fuck everyone else."

"You do not mean that."

"I do right now."

"You are going to get us both killed."

"If they want me dead, there is nothing either of us can do about that now. We're already here. Whatever is going to happen tomorrow is going to happen. We control tonight."

"I am terrified I will hurt you."

"You won't." I reached up, kissing him lightly before laying back down. I resisted the urge to cover myself with my arms as the cool air swirled around me, and ignored the rising blush as I looked back to Edward.

"You have no idea how hard this is for me."

The word choice made me giggle. "I think I do," I replied, wriggling my hips against his. He looked mortified, but didn't pull away. I watched as his expression slowly shifted from embarrassment to lust, his eyes half-closed as he looked back down at me. "Slowly, Bella."

I nodded as he leaned down. His chest touched mine, but all of his weight rested on his elbows firmly planted on either side of my ribcage. He ran his thumb along my lips and I let my eyes slide closed, luxuriating in his touch. I knew I wouldn't sleep that night; we had hours. Edward could take all the time he wanted.

It was like starting completely over; he kissed me as if I were a fragile piece of glass he was afraid to shatter. His hands were maddeningly light on my body. I forced myself to keep control, to let Edward move at his own pace as the kisses gradually deepened.

It wasn't long before we got back to where we had been previously, my leg hitched around his hips to pull him closer to me. I took a deep breath as Edward's mouth left mine, kissing down my neck and collarbones. As his mouth dropped lower, tracing a line between my breasts, I hooked my thumbs on the waistband of his boxers and gave a tug to test his reaction. He paused in his kisses, hooded eyes meeting mine for a long moment before he gave the smallest nod and lifted his hips to make it easier to pull the boxers off.

With that accomplished, the only clothing left separating us was a pair of thin cotton cheekies. Edward settled back on his heels and I closed my eyes as his fingers fell to my hips. So slowly I thought I might combust, he pulled the panties down my legs. He kissed the insides of my thighs as he did so, and goosebumps rose all over my body.

"Are you cold?"

"No," I gasped, shaking my head against the pillow. "No, I am _not_ cold, Edward. That just feels…amazing." I heard his low laugh and bit back a moan as he lowered his mouth to the inside of my thigh again, slowly kissing upward.

His mouth was back on my lips suddenly, his kisses heated. He appeared to not have believed me about being cold; as he wrapped his body around mine once again, he drew the blankets over his shoulders.

"Are you sure?" he whispered, concern flickering through the lust when he looked down at me. "You…want this?"

"I want _you_," I replied, shifting my hips.

"I understand this will hurt."

"A little. It's fine, Edward. Jess said it only hurts in the beginning," I mumbled, my cheeks flushing deeply. "Stop worrying. Please. I want you. And I know you want me." I lifted my thigh against the hard proof.

He nodded, shifting once more. He pushed into me slowly, but quickly pulled back when he saw me bite down on my lip. I shook my head, running my hands down his chest. "I'm fine, Edward. I'll tell you if it's too much. I swear." I pulled him back down, kissing him with everything I could muster. He ran his hands down my body, one hand cupping my breast, and broke our kiss as he pushed into me once more.

"Edward, just do it. Like ripping off a Band-Aid," I finally told him, gritting my teeth. I knew he was trying to be careful with me, to not hurt me, but the slow movements hurt more than I had thought they would. I wanted to get past the painful part, so we could both enjoy the experience.

"I…"

"Trust me." I pulled him mouth back down to mine, sucking in a deep breath as I felt him pause. He pressed his mouth hard against my lips, kissing me fervently before pushing inside in one quick movement. I tried to disguise my cry of pain as a moan, but Edward knew better. He immediately pulled away, face tight with concern.

"Bella?"

"I'm fine," I assured him, tugging him back down to the bed. "Slow would be good now."

He nodded, but looked like he didn't believe me. I started kissing him again, winding my fingers through his hair with one hand while pulling his hips toward me with the other. I was afraid for a long moment that he would give up, that he would refuse to touch me again, but instead he did as I asked. He began an unhurried rhythm, my hips rising to meet his awkwardly at first, but we soon found a slow pace, my breaths coming in tiny gasps each time Edward pressed forward.

I silently begged him not to give up, kissing him with abandon as the pain slowly eased into a pleasurable sensation. Edward picked up on the difference in my mood as I began to meet him more enthusiastically, and let loose a moan I suspected he had been holding on to for some time.

"You are amazing," he whispered in between kisses. "You feel…so…good."

"I love you," I murmured in reply, closing my eyes as he began to move faster. I could feel a tightening sensation in my stomach and arched my back against him, seeking more contact with his body. He moved slightly, angling himself to move more directly against me, and that did it. I moaned softly, Edward's lips capturing mine. He brought my hands above my head, twining our fingers together as we kissed before burying his face in my neck. "Oh, god," he groaned into my skin, rocking his hips into mine more forcefully. "Bella…I can't…oh, fuck…"

Edward's words put me over the edge. The pleasure of the orgasm ripped through me, topped only by the satisfied moan that escaped Edward's lips as he shuddered. He didn't immediately move; instead, he kissed me gently, running his fingers through my damp hair.

"I love you, Bella," he murmured, reaching for my left hand again. He kissed my ring finger lightly before releasing my hand and rolling onto his side. He trailed his fingers along my waist, tracing the curve of my hip before meeting my gaze again.

"I love you, too." I gently pushed him onto his back, curling around him. I felt satisfied in a way that extended beyond the physical gratification. I knew one day we would be married, but as far as I was concerned, we were united in an unbreakable bond. I had never felt as close to Edward as I did in those moments.

"Sleep, love. It has been a long day. Tomorrow will be another." He reached for the light switch beside the bed, plunging the room into darkness. If I closed my eyes, I could almost believe we were safely in Forks, lying together in his bedroom.

I nuzzled against him, taking deep breaths of his delicious scent. I let my eyes fall shut, tightening my grasp on Edward. His fingers trailed lightly up and down my arm, humming quietly. It wasn't my lullaby, but it wasn't anything else I recognized, either. I reached for his free hand and twisted our fingers together before falling into a contented sleep.

Chapter title = 30 seconds to mars

AN: So this was meant to be the last chapter and it sort of got away from me. The current plan is that there will be one more chapter, and an Epilogue. Thanks to everyone who has been with me!

Don't forget to check out the Indie Awards! Nominations are up and it's looking like quite the list!

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	22. you know i can't let you slide through

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

22. you know I can't let you slide through my hands

"Bella!" Edward hissed in my ear, his cool fingers jostling my shoulder roughly. "Bella, wake up!"

"Huh?" I mumbled, refusing to open my eyes. My entire body hurt as if I had been run over by a freight train. I tentatively moved my legs to try to stretch and nearly gasped at the cramp that went running up my thighs. _What the hell?_ I wondered, slowly cracking one eye open in the dim light. _What did I do to myself?_

When my eyes finally focused, the night came flooding back to me. I could feel my cheeks warm as I remembered how shamelessly I had cried out in pleasure at Edward's attentions – and the undeniable rush I had gotten from Edward cursing in my ear.

When I turned to look at him, Edward had twisted himself into a sitting position in bed, but he hadn't bothered to get dressed. I blushed all the more furiously when I realized I was still naked as well and hurriedly arranged the blankets around myself. "What time is it?"

"Early."

"Did something happen?"

"Carlisle is in the town with Alice and Jasper. But they are not coming here. They are not allowed," he elaborated through gritted teeth. One hand raked through his messy hair, his eyes deeply troubled. I noticed he had turned on the bedside lamp for my benefit. It must have been before dawn.

"What does that mean?"

"I do not know."

I eyed him warily, slowly easing myself back down into the pillows. _I feel like I'm the one who's over a hundred years old, _I thought wryly, biting the inside on my lip. I had to hide the discomfort from Edward. It was bad enough he looked stressed out enough to fall into one of his brooding silences, but if he knew how badly my muscles ached, it would be sure to send him into a tailspin. Too much was coming at us from too many different places; it felt like our entire world had been spinning for the last forty-eight hours.

Without saying a word, I reached for his shoulder, pulling him down to me. He lay his cheek against my shoulder, letting me run my fingers through his hair. _Let me take care of you for once, _I silently begged him, dropping light kisses across his forehead and eyelids.

"Is there anything we can do about it?" I finally asked when I was certain he had at least begun to calm down. I regretted the words as soon as they left my lips; Edward's shoulders snapped back into their former rigidity faster than I could blink. His hand which had been tracing idle patterns over my hip twisted into the sheets, the fabric pulling tightly against me.

"No."

I nodded, lost for words. Edward had growled the single word out, and I knew by the fact that he hadn't bothered to get up and dress that he truly felt there was nothing to be done. I was unused to Edward being helpless; it left me with a deeply unsettled feeling.

"I am sorry I woke you up for nothing. I just…I needed you. Go back to sleep while you can. I am sorry for being selfish."

"Stop it," I admonished, trying to force my tone to be gentle. I tilted his chin up, leaning down to press my lips lightly to his. "I'm glad you woke me up. We're doing this together, remember?"

He held my gaze for a long moment before nodding. As he lowered his eyes, he nuzzled against my neck, his nose tickling the sensitive skin. Slowly, I felt him relax against me, his cool skin pressed against me. He began to kiss my neck lightly enough to make me giggle.

"Ticklish this morning?"

"I don't think it's even morning yet."

"Touché," he murmured against my neck, inciting another round of giggles. I knew Edward was trying to distract himself from the torture of awaiting an unknown end at an unknown time and at first I was all too willing to let him. His kisses turned from playful to something else quicker than I had expected, his lips closing on my skin as he sucked lightly. I shivered as his tongue darted out and dragged up toward my ear.

"Edward…"

"Yes?" he teased, his tone innocent and eyes wide as he pulled back to look at me. Slowly and deliberately he pushed the sheet back from my shoulder, his fingers trailing on the newly exposed flesh as he went.

I sighed, reaching for his hand and silently cursing myself. "I love you. We're going to get through this."

"I know that."

"Do you?"

"Yes," he protested, an edge entering his voice. His eyes flashed as he met my stare. "Why are you asking it like that?"

"Because you're not acting like yourself."

"Bella, I do not understand. Last night…you wanted this. Now you do not?"

_How many times do I have to say "not like this" in twenty four hours?_ I silently demanded, squeezing my eyes shut in an attempt to find the patience for the words I wanted. "Edward, last night was…amazing, ok? I can't tell you how I feel about it accurately; I just don't have the words. And I'm glad you're happy we did…that. But I know you. And this isn't how you deal with stress, so please, just be honest with me. If you need to rage, then rage; if you need to brood, brood. But don't pretend like nothing's wrong, because _I know you_ and something is definitely wrong."

He sighed and flopped back against the pillows. It was the closest I had ever seen him come to behaving like a petulant child. After a long moment of silence, he reached for my hand and wove his fingers through mine, bringing my skin to his lips. "I love you," he finally said quietly, stroking my palm with his smooth thumb. "I sometimes ask myself what kind of saint I must have been in another life to have this one with you."

Tugging the blankets more tightly around myself, I curled up against him, laying one arm across his waist. I remained silent, waiting for him to speak.

Eventually, as the light in the room steadily grew, he said softly, "I have never felt so helpless in my very long life. Not even in Phoenix. Not even when I came back to Forks and I saw you with that…with Jacob. I want to protect you, Bella, and I want us to walk out of here, together. I am becoming convinced that you were right all along and this is a trap. I should have listened to you; I should have waited in Rome for Carlisle. Yet I did not and my rashness may get us both killed."

"Well then we'll still be together."

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"How do you know that it will work out? Bella, I have seen so much in this very long life…I know things do not always work out. I have seen it time and time again. But you are so certain…how?"

"I'm certain about_ us_ Edward," I said firmly, reaching down and squeezing his hand. "I spent a year holding onto hope that you would come back for me, that you couldn't really walk away. I can't believe in a world so cruel that when we finally come together again we would be ripped apart. And if that is what the world is going to do to us, then there has to be another world where we're allowed to be together. There _has_ to be."

"You believe that?" He was utterly sincere as he asked me the question, his eyes wide in astonishment. He ran his thumb down from my temple and across my cheek before letting it stop on my lips. "I wish you could make me believe it."

A knock on the door came before my answer. It resounded in the high-ceiling room as it echoed ominously across the stone walls. Gianna was pushing the door open before I could even formulate a response.

"Oh!" The blush on her cheeks came close to mirroring mine as I hurriedly tugged the blankets up to my chin, half hiding behind Edward. "Please, excuse me. I will wait outside."

She scurried back out the door under Edward's fierce glare, his arms tightening around me until Gianna and her accompanying guard exited the room. My heart was racing as I lay motionless in the bed.

It was time. There had been no warning, no summons; Gianna had merely appeared in our room and expected us to be ready to go. Edward was out of bed in a flash, tugging on the jeans we had so hastily discarded at the foot of the bed. Shirtless, he rummaged through our bags until he found what he was looking for: the Dartmouth sweatshirt.

I watched as he carefully lay it on my side of the bed, fishing clean jeans and one of my own T-shirts from my bag for me. "Do you, uh, do you want me to turn around?" he asked quietly, a mortified expression slowly overtaking his features. "Or I can go in the bathroom?"

I flushed deeply as I realized I was still lying in bed, my nakedness hidden by the blankets. I shook my head and forced myself to take a deep breath before throwing the covers back. There was no reason for Edward to turn away; he had seen every inch of me the night before. The cold air hit me like a gale-force wind, sending goosebumps up and down my body.

I could feel his eyes on me the entire time, but Edward managed to control himself only until I had gotten my jeans buttoned and my bra clasped. As I reached for the T-shirt he had laid out, I felt his arms around me as he slowly spun me back to face him. Without warning his mouth was on mine, urgent, desperate, as he kissed me with reckless abandon. I could feel my ribs creak in protest as he held me, but I ignored them and just kissed him all the more fiercely. His arms circled around my bare waist, pulling me up against him and onto the tips of my toes. He broke away suddenly with a snarl, his eyes shooting daggers at the door.

"Get dressed, love." The words came out halfway between a growl and an order. He stepped away from me, raking his fingers through his hair. I was panting from the kiss, my heart racing from fear and lust. I shakily turned back to the bed and tugged my shirt over my head before picking up Edward's sweatshirt. It still smelled like him. I pulled it over my head and took a deep breath, finding some small amount of comfort in wearing his clothes.

Edward grabbed my hand as soon as I was finishing pulling my hair up into a loose bun. I didn't see the point in trying to look presentable; the Volturi were going to do to us whatever they saw fit – putting on mascara was not going to make them change their minds. "I love you," he murmured, stopping me as I turned for the door. "I am going to do everything in my power to keep you safe."

"I know." I looked up, holding his gaze for one long moment before heaving a huge sigh. "C'mon, Edward, let's just get it over with."

He nodded, tightening his grasp on my hand. I was sure to have bruises by the time we got back to Forks – if we got back to Forks – from how rough Edward had been in the past twenty-four hours, but I didn't mind. Bruises would heal and I wasn't about to start chastising Edward for holding on too tightly; we had gone far too long with him unwilling to hold me tightly enough.

Gianna had the decency to look sheepish as we stepped into the hall. She had two guards with her, their pale skin and burgundy eyes made only more intimidating by the long robes they wore. I shivered as they turned toward us, their ruby eyes fixed intently on me. Edward glared at them each in turn, letting my hand go only to wrap his arm around my waist.

"Aro is ready for you now," she said after an awkward pause, her voice even though her cheeks flamed. She smoothed down her already impeccable hair and began to stride down the hall, the thick carpet muffling the sound of her steps. I wondered idly if she lived in the castle; she wore a new pencil skirt and jacket from the night before, another pair of stiletto pumps on her feet. I knew it had been late by the time she had escorted us to our room, and it had to be barely dawn as we were led through a maze of halls. Yet still, Gianna was immaculate. Alice would have been proud.

_Alice isn't here though, now is she?_

My thoughts raced as we followed Gianna down the seemingly endless hallways. Edward had told me about the Volturi only briefly, and the details had been sparse. I remembered seeing the portrait in Carlisle's study and Edward identifying the three leaders: Aro, Marcus, and Caius. It struck me as odd that all discussion as of late had surrounded Aro. He seemed to be their de facto ruler, but everyone deferred to the group as a whole. _Stupid confusing vampire politics_, I griped to myself as we rounded another corner. _It's like we're going to meet the President, except he's a sociopath and can have us killed just because he feels like it. I wish I had spent more time on the plane asking Edward about them. I wish I had some clue what we're walking into._

Edward seemed to feel my anxiety – or maybe he had just heard my heart rate pick up – as we started down a circular set of stairs. His grip on me changed, his palm settling on my hip firmly. When we reached the bottom of the stairs, we came to enormous wooden doors set with iron. They looked original to the castle and had to be several inches thick.

"Aro is right through there," Gianna said pleasantly, gesturing through the door as if she were showing us a piece of art. "I am afraid I will not be joining you."

Edward said nothing, only offering a curt nod as Gianna and her guard slipped back into the shadows. I knew they hadn't left yet; they were waiting for us to disappear behind the immense doors. I felt their presence in the gloom and shivered.

I turned to Edward, expecting him to say something. But as he silently reached for me, leaning his forehead down against mine, I knew there was nothing to say. We were alone in the castle, with our family and friends helpless outside. Edward had already told me about Jane's awful power, and if that wasn't enough, I knew we were surrounded by hundreds of vampires. We were trapped and we were helpless.

Edward pulled away from me, kissing my forehead lightly before reaching for the large iron ring set in the door. I took a deep breath as he pulled it back, revealing a circular room that was straight out of a medieval painting. Three thrones sat on the opposite side of the room with three vampires waiting for us. I stared at them in horror, recognizing them from the painting in Carlisle's study.

Aro sat in the middle, a broad smile stretching across his face as we entered, almost as if he were prepared to welcome an old friend. If it was meant to be inviting, he was doing it completely wrong. Caius sat to his right, his white hair and red eyes unsettling as he glared at us with undisguised malice. Marcus sat to Aro's left, slouching in his seat and staring idly toward the ceiling. He appeared quite bored with the entire proceeding. It was only upon entering the room that I noticed a young girl standing at Caius' elbow, perhaps no more than fourteen or fifteen when she was turned. She reminded me of Rosalie – if Rosalie had gone stark raving mad. She was breathtakingly beautiful, but there was something about her that was completely unhinged. It sent chills down my spine. She scared me more than any of them; she had to be Jane.

"Isabella, Edward, how lovely of you to join us!" Aro called as we entered the room, rising from his throne to greet us. He walked lightly, with the same uncanny grace as the Cullens down the stairs and stopped just before us. "My, my, Isabella, you really are quite what they say!"

"Thanks," I mumbled, forcing myself to meet his gaze. His skin looked chalkier than Edward's, as if it might simply flake away when touched, while his eyes were muted, hazier; Edward's eyes were a sharp amber color while Aro's looked like someone had poured milk into them. I was curious if his skin felt like Edward's, but refused to reach out and touch him.

"Yes, Edward, how nice of you to bring the human as you were told to," Caius drawled snidely from behind Aro. "Good job following directions."

As I glanced in his direction, I caught sight of Jane glaring at me. Her eyes were narrowed as if in concentration, her entire body rigid. I hastily looked away, huddling closely against Edward.

"Please excuse him. We don't get a lot of visitors, you see," Aro said politely. He extended his hand, looking to me expectantly. "May I?" I noticed he asked the question of Edward.

With a pained expression, Edward nodded. Aro reached forward, laying his hand against my cheek. His skin was cold like Edward's, but infinitely harder; it was nowhere near as delicate as it looked.

"What's going on, Edward?" I demanded under my breath as Aro went still. Edward seemed to be seething, grasping at barely held control while Aro hummed to himself. His eyes were closed.

"Aro can read your mind," Edward finally replied after a tense moment of silence. His voice was nearly shaking with the effort of keeping calm.

"Like you?" I asked, puzzled. It didn't make any sense; I knew Edward couldn't read my mind. Why would Aro be able to?

"No. Aro can see everything you have ever thought. Ever. All at once. My gift only works on a person's current thoughts," he replied quietly between gritted teeth. I shivered involuntarily, wondering what Aro would choose to examine as he sifted through years of memories.

"And what a wonderful gift that is!" Aro exclaimed as he drew his hand away. "You see, Edward is being modest, my dear Isabella. My gift, as you may have noticed, requires contact; I must be touching you. Edward, here, well he is quite remarkable all on his own. He does not need the contact. I do believe he has told you in some cases, he can read the thoughts of those he knows from miles away!" Aro clapped his hands together like an excited child. I felt like I was holding my breath, waiting for him to turn and condemn us to death. One glance at Edward told me he was deeply unsettled as well. "Most unusual how neither of our talents works on you."

A flicker of motion from behind Aro drew my attention. Marcus had turned toward us, something apparently catching his attention. Aro returned to his side, giving him a curious look before resting his fingertips on top of Marcus' hand. He turned back to us with a delighted expression.

"Has our dear Edward told you, Isabella, what my brother here can do?" he asked as he returned to stand before us. Behind him, both Jane and Caius looked furious. I shook my head, clinging to Edward despite my better judgment; I was showing weakness in front of predators, which I knew wasn't my best idea, but I couldn't help it. I needed Edward.

"No," I answered when it became clear Edward would not. He was instead glaring at Jane, whose eyes were still fixed intently on me. She was agitated, to say the least. I could feel more than hear the low growl building in Edward's chest.

"No, Aro," Edward suddenly cut in, flashing his eyes back to Aro. "But I have told her about Jane. Would you please instruct her to stop trying to kill Bella?"

"Why, yes, of course. Jane, dear, please don't do that right now."

_Right now?_ I repeated silently, nausea rising in the pit of my stomach. _So it's ok if she does it later? But I didn't even feel anything…what if she turns on Edward? Why didn't I feel anything?_

"You see, Isabella – is Bella ok? Edward's thoughts do seem to indicate you prefer Bella." I nodded, wishing he would just get on with it. I could see over his shoulder that Jane was still glaring at me, hatred plain on her face. "Marcus can see relationships, bonds if you will. Not just romantic, mind you, but familial and friendships as well. He tells me that in all of this very long life, he has never seen anything quite like you and Edward. You seem to be rather unbreakable." Over Aro's shoulder, Cauis rose, stomping down to join Aro before us.

"Aro, you are not honestly going to consider-"

"I will consider all I please, Cauis," Aro cut him off. His voice was still even and polite, but there was a hidden threat coating the words. "Well, I'm sorry to say, this brings us to it. Bella, your Edward here has broken the laws of our kind. I'm afraid you know quite a good deal more than I thought you did. It seems we also have a problem of…loyalties." His eyes flickered toward Edward, who tensed further beside me.

"Yes, Edward, please do explain Jane's report. You chose _werewolves_" – the word ripped from Caius' mouth as if it had a foul taste – "instead of your own kind." He ignored the glare Aro sent at him, taking a step closer to Edward. "You do know that alone is grounds to have you walled up. I should think for at least a hundred years."

"No!" The word was out before I could stop it. My cheeks flushed as I realized I had just broken a code of propriety I wasn't even sure I had a place within. Edward's deference to the Volturi – Edward, who typically stopped at nothing when it came to getting his way – should have clued me in that outbursts were not tolerated. I snapped my mouth shut, my entire body tensing as realization dawned on me.

"Remarkable," Aro mumbled under his breath, focusing on me once again. "I have never seen anything like this." He raised his eyes to Edward's, curiosity the overwhelming emotion swimming in their murky depths. "How do you control yourself? It is clear what she is to you."

"I cannot live without her," Edward replied tightly, meeting Aro's gaze head on. "And I would rather you stopped replaying that memory. It is private."

"What memory?" I asked Edward, my flaming cheeks burning even more hotly.

"_La tua cantante,_" Aro answered, glancing back and forth at us. "And yet you were still able to make love, to be free with her."

My embarrassment hit an all-time high. I had thought that going to a new school had been bad; I had thought falling down the stairs in front of a high-school crush in Phoenix had been worse. I had thought that Charlie finding Jacob in my bed in the middle of the night – and the ensuing conversation – had brought me to a level of mortification that was too high to ever be reached again. I was wrong.

"I love her," Edward replied, an edge to his voice. He glanced down at me, pain in his eyes when he realized how uncomfortable I was with the discussion. "And again, Aro, I am asking you, please leave it be. It is private. There are some things, even among our kind, that we should be able to keep for ourselves."

Aro looked back to me, his eyes seemingly only then noticing how red my face was. He nodded, chuckling quietly. "Yes, yes of course, my apologies, Bella. I did not mean to intrude."

"It's fine," I squeaked, burying my face in Edward's chest. His other arm snaked around me, holding me tightly in his protective embrace.

"It seems I misjudged you," Aro finally said after a moment, holding up his hand before the protest even left Caius' mouth. "But I cannot let you go just yet. Edward, you must explain your behavior to Jane."

I picked my head up from Edward's chest, curious. I knew something had happened the afternoon before in the woods; I knew Jacob was probably only alive because Edward had stepped in. Not to mention, the way Aro had said "just yet" had also given me reason to hope we might make it out of Italy alive.

Edward looked at Jane as he spoke, his eyes narrowing. I was certain he blamed her for bringing the Volturi down on us, for forcing us to Italy in the first place. "We were returning to our home after dealing with Victoria. I know you were aware of the situation. She was amassing an army to come after Bella. She had to be stopped."

"Why, yes, Edward, how adroit of you. She broke the laws of our kind and she had to be punished. Very logical," Caius cut in, glaring at Edward's arms wrapped around me. Aro silenced him with one icy stare before gesturing for Edward to continue.

"We met with Jane and a few other members of the Guard. We were with members of the Quileute pack. They had come to help with Victoria. One of theirs, she is very…unpredictable. She offended Jane. Jane attacked. Another of the pack stepped in to defend the girl. I chose to defend him."

"Against your own kind?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because he is dear to Bella. It would kill her if something happened to him. If it is in my power to prevent her unhappiness, then I will."

"And just what would you think would happen to your precious Bella if something were to happen to you? Did you not consider _that_, Edward, when you so carelessly gave away your loyalty?" Caius snapped. He was nearly vibrating with rage when I looked up; Jane remained beside him, her own face twisted with fury.

My heart stuttered at the threat – and the entire room noticed. Marcus rose from his seat, coming to stand beside Aro. He put one hand on his shoulder and said very quietly, "Aro, do not rip them apart. She is _la tua cantante_ and he is in love with her. Please. Think of Didyme."

Edward's eyes widened at the words and I felt like I was missing something. By the way the mood in the room shifted, I knew something tremendously important had just occurred, but I was baffled as to what. Marcus had appeared bored throughout most of the conversation, but had chosen to give his two cents. It seemed a normal course of events to me, if only slightly puzzled for its timing.

Aro nodded and turned back to Edward. He smiled brightly and extended his hand to Edward silently. Edward took his hand and closed his eyes. I suspected he was watching Aro's mind as he siphoned his memories. They remained silent for a long time, locked together. It was unnerving to watch.

When Aro finally released Edward, he appeared even more shocked than he had been following his reading of me. He took two steps back from us, a tiny smile playing across his lips. "I do not suppose you would consent to spend some time with us, after the change has taken place?" he asked, the question directed at Edward. "Your gift, and Bella's, why it would be most extraordinary if you would stay with us."

"Bella needs to finish school," Edward told him. "We cannot leave Forks in the middle of the year. It would raise suspicions. As you have seen, that is part of the reason we wish for time. Bella will be changed. We would just prefer to wait a bit longer."

Aro nodded, slipping back into thought. Marcus had resumed his bored disposition while Caius and Jane seethed. "Aro, you cannot possibly entertain letting them go! They have an alliance with _werewolves_!"

"Shape shifters," Edward said quietly, looking away from my curious stare. "They are not truly werewolves. They are shape shifters. The wolf is merely their preferred shape." Edward looked directly at Caius, holding his gaze. "They are not the same creature that you fought two thousand years ago. They are no threat to you."

"How dare you-"

"Peace, Caius," Aro said gently, turning toward the irate vampire for a moment. "I have seen what he says to be true. The Quileute tribe does not even truly know what they really are. We have our good friend Carlisle to thank for this discovery. I do wish he would consider coming back to Volterra for a few decades." Aro sighed, as if he were truly saddened by Carlisle's absence. "Alas."

He focused on Edward and I, folding his hands together. "You have my consent to an extension. I have seen it in you both that you intend to follow through with this. I have seen Alice's vision in Edward's memory. It will happen. I am content to allow you the time you seek." Caius looked like he was about to start sputtering; Jane stormed from the room. Marcus only smiled.

"Thank you!" I burst out. I wanted to throw my arms around Aro. Relief rushed through me; my entire body sagged in relief. Edward merely nodded, but his entire demeanor softened.

"I had Gianna gather your things. She will bring you back to the garage and you are free to go. I do hope you have some time to enjoy this beautiful country. Italy is the best place on this earth for two young lovers."

Edward nodded again, turning us toward the door. I leaned heavily against him, thankful for the support of his arm around my waist. I couldn't wait to get beyond the Volturi's sight and hearing. I wanted to fall into Edward's arms and kiss him until my lips were bruised and raw. I never wanted to let him go again.

"Oh, and Edward?" Aro called just as we reached the door. "I would be absolutely delighted to receive a wedding invitation."

Chapter title = Rolling Stones

AN: Yes, this is the end. Epilogue should be up in the next two weeks. Thank you to every one of you who has read/reviewed/nominated _Two Forks_ along the way. I have some other projects up my sleeve (if you got the Haiti compilation, you got a preview) and would love to continue to entertain y'all!


	23. Epilogue

Disclaimer: I've told you on each chapter I don't own Twilight. This is no exception. Words below are mine, Edward is not.

Many apologies for the delay in getting this posted. RL got in my way, as did my misunderstanding the rules on posting this before Indies voting finished. More from me at the end.

Time passes slowly and time passes in a hurry, but pass it does. I had lost a year without Edward and that year had dragged; the year I gained with Edward, well that was over before I knew it.

The holidays came and went, flashes of candlelight and Christmas trees spotting my memory. There were moments that stuck, moments I had forced myself to remember. They were bittersweet memories; the last time I cooked Charlie Thanksgiving dinner, the last time I drank a little too much eggnog at Christmas with my mother. But other memories prevailed and all of them centered on Edward; kissing Edward under a ball of mistletoe I swore my mother had put out just for that reason, watching the snowflakes fall from the warmth of Edward's bed with my head on his chest. I burned my mother's face into my memory, the scent of Charlie's cologne, but I knew they were soon to be just that – memories.

Graduation was a blur. I remembered the ugly, shapeless gown I had been forced to wear; I remembered Alice looking fantastic in hers and feeling hideous in mine – and then I remembered the way Edward had slowly unzipped the gown after the ceremony and all was forgotten.

I remembered the look on Charlie's face when I had finally told him, with Edward at my side, that I was getting married. Once we had returned from Italy, the idea of being with Edward forever firmly cemented itself in my mind and I had become more willing to accept his mother's ring. I wore it in private, and only with Edward, for months before we told anyone. The entire Cullen family knew, of course – there was no such thing as secrets amongst that group.

Charlie had sputtered and turned varying shades of purple before finally choking out a gruff congratulation. He had never fully warmed back up to Edward after the entire mess with Jacob.

Jacob…Jacob and I had had a tough time of things. Though we had gotten back to some semblance of a friendship, we were never again close like we had been, even before that fateful early morning kiss. The fact that I knew our truce was temporary only made it worse; once Edward pulled me over to his side of the world, Jacob would be no more. I had once told Alice I wasn't prepared to enter back into a relationship with Edward that had a known expiration date. The same was true with Jacob.

Edward and I married in the late summer months in a small ceremony in the Cullens' backyard – not that it looked like their backyard. Alice had outdone herself as always, transforming the open lawn into a romantic haven. Tears poured down my cheeks as we professed our love before all our family and friends, and even Edward's eyes became glassy with emotion. I think if he were capable of crying, he would have been just as much of a blubbering mess as I was.

Our honeymoon was delayed. Edward knew I wanted to spend as much time with my family as possible before it was…well, before it was no longer possible. We told everyone that we were putting the honeymoon off for a few weeks so that I could settle into my new home with Edward first. We explained that we wanted to come home from our vacation and not have to face unpacking and moving.

The reality of it was that while Edward and I intended to go to Italy for our honeymoon, we had no intention of returning. Edward had devised a plan with Carlisle to fake an accident, the details of which I preferred to know nothing about. All I knew was that there would be no reason for anyone to come looking for me and the Cullens would leave Forks under the pretense of grief. I couldn't know the rest. Though Edward had told me time and again it was the easiest way, a part of me still resisted the lie. It was incredibly hurtful, but I didn't have a better solution. So they planned without me.

Yet guilt ate at me every time I thought about Charlie's reaction to the story, or Renee's for that matter. Though my mother was the one with the flare for the dramatic, it was Charlie I was the most worried about. Renee would be deeply upset, but I knew, in time, that she would move on with her life. Charlie I wasn't so sure about. My mother had been gone for nearly seventeen years and I knew he still ached for her. Charlie wasn't a man to show his emotions; I could count on one hand the amount of times he had told me he loved me, but I knew I meant the world to him. He had cried at my wedding, and when he said goodnight, he had hugged me tighter than he ever had before. I almost wonder if he could feel the larger looming separation creeping up on us.

Then there was Jacob. I knew he wouldn't buy the story about a tragic accident in the Italian Alps. He would know instantly why I wasn't coming back to Forks. If his behavior in the weeks immediately leading up to and following our wedding was any inclination of how it would go, a war was all but guaranteed.

Things were strained as it was between the pack and the Cullens. Jacob had begrudgingly come to our wedding after much begging and pleading on my part, but he had chosen to drown his sorrows in liquor. Edward had come to reclaim me from Jacob when the one dance I had promised him drew to a close and Jacob had been…drunk. He had refused to let me go and started to argue with Edward, slurring drunken threats while Edward's jaw tightened. I had tried to reason with Jacob, had tried to disentangle myself from his vise-like grip, but he was much too strong for me. When Edward noticed me struggling, he immediately tried to help me.

And Jacob? Jacob took a swing at my husband.

The pack hustled him back to the reservation before Emmett got the chance to throw him out (a fact which my new brother-in-law made known was a giant disappointment). Jacob showed up on my doorstep days later to apologize, but our conversation had been stilted at best. Edward had refused to leave me alone with Jacob after the wedding incident, and only removed himself from the living room with a growled threat at my insistence. It was the last time I had seen Jacob.

So by the time we touched down in Italy, I was nearly in a full-blown panic. There were too many things I still wanted to say, too many things I hadn't gotten a chance to do with my mother, with my father. I wanted Charlie to see me happy with Edward, to accept how happy he made me, and embrace him as family. I certainly didn't want him to remember Edward as the man who took me away and got me killed in a foreign country. And Jacob…Jacob I wanted to find some peace; I wanted him to accept that though he would always hold a place in my heart, I belonged to Edward. And that was never going to change.

"It is too dangerous," Edward had said quietly, holding my hand tightly as I tried to stop myself from hyperventilating in the customs line. My legs felt leaden as we slowly moved forward, panic much akin to what I had previously felt standing in the same line racing through my veins. "We do not have to do this, you know. We can return to Forks. We can…wait."

"No," I had replied forcefully and a bit loudly. I lowered my voice, a blush rising in my cheeks when I had realized how many people were staring, "No, Edward, I want to be with you. If we keep putting it off, it will never happen. I need to be with you. All the way. Remember what I said in my vows? 'I will love you until the day the sun sets for good on this world. And then I will keep loving you until the moon ceases to rise.' I'm not going anywhere, Edward. One lifetime isn't enough."

He had smiled the crooked smile I loved more than any other, wrapped an arm around my shoulders and kissed my forehead. The curious stares surrounding us turning to knowing smiles as my ring flashed under the bright airport lights.

And then we were speeding away from the airport in an outlandish sports car Edward had purchased shortly before leaving Forks. He had explained with a sheepish grin that European produced cars were different than American cars, and as much as he loved the Volvo, he needed something more, well, _Italian_ for our duration in Italy. We were going to a remote villa in the middle of Tuscany that had been in Carlisle's family longer than Edward had; I knew there were cars already housed there and that when it came down to it, Edward just wanted a shiny new toy. I had shaken my head and smiled a wife's indulgent smile before walking out of the room.

_A wife_, I mused to myself as I leaned out on the stone rail from the bedroom balcony, drinking in the moonlit countryside. Edward was due back from his hunting expedition within the hour, and I was restless without him in the sprawling mansion. The warm Italian air moved gently around me, making me wish for Edward's cool skin instead of the smooth stone beneath my fingertips. I tried to calm myself with the reassurance that it was the last hunting trip Edward would take alone – the next, I would go with him.

The thought did little to reassure me. I was terrified of what I knew was coming back with Edward – the promise of indescribable pain. Carlisle had offered to be present for the change, to try dosing me with massive quantities of morphine, but in the end Edward and I had decided we wanted to be alone. I knew the morphine wouldn't help from my experience with it in Phoenix, and it wasn't that I didn't think of the rest of the Cullens as family. I did. But I wanted the intimacy of being alone with Edward; I wanted the next step we took together to be one dictated by us, and us alone. I had double-checked that Edward would be fine without Carlisle there to supervise, but he had assured me he could handle it. In truth, I wasn't worried about him killing me – I was worried about how he was going to get through the three days, knowing I was in agony and helpless. Edward was not very good at helpless.

We had been in Italy for nearly a week, basking in each other's solitary company, and very much being newlyweds. Neither of us had gotten fully dressed so much as once for the first three days; we had lounged about the house in varying states of undress, never far from one another's arms. It was my personal belief that we had christened nearly every flat surface in the house and even some that weren't so flat; Edward assured me I was mistaken, and proceeded to prove me wrong time and again. Not that I minded in the least…

Yet time, as always, was marching on. We had specifically come to Italy for our honeymoon to be close to the Volturi. Edward had convinced Aro that it just wouldn't do for him to show up at our wedding; what would the naïve people of Forks think? What about the treaty? And so, another compromise was struck. Aro would be coming to check on us before the month was out.

_And here we are_, I thought to myself with a sigh, turning away from the railing and stepping back toward the open French doors that led back to my, no, _our_ bedroom. I tugged my thin robe more tightly around myself and pushed my hair back off my forehead. Italy in August was oppressively hot, but even around Edward I was still much too modest to walk around completely naked.

Edward's modesty was nowhere near as strong as mine.

I was barely inside the doors when I realized he had returned; lounging in the doorway, he wore only his boxers and a smirk, his hip leaning against the wood frame. His pale bare chest glowed faintly in the moonlight, shadows forming under the curves of muscle. "How long have you been there?" I accused, trying to keep the grin off my face as I chastised him while slowly crossing the room. "Spying on me?"

"Always," he replied, waiting for me as I made my way over to him. "I am your stalker, remember?"

"I don't remember that from our wedding vows."

"Oh, it was there. Right after I swore that you were the most beautiful woman I had ever met and I knew you were meant for me from the moment I lay eyes on you." His tone turned serious as he cupped my face between his cool hands, his eyes a tawny gold. Slowly, as if he were afraid I would shatter beneath his touch, he leaned down to kiss me. I pressed myself to him, bothered by the delicate flower act. Edward had long since learned I wasn't quiet as breakable as he had originally thought.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I pulled away from him, alarmed by the change in behavior. Edward certainly hadn't found me breakable the night before on our dining room table (though the table hadn't been quite so lucky).

"I am…scared for you."

"Don't be. You made it through this and so will I. And I'll have you there with me to hold my hand," I joked, trying to force a smile from him. I hated that he had come into the room in a good mood but quickly gone morose. I wanted him to joke about being my stalker, not remind me of the pain I was facing.

"You will not even be able to tell it is me there with you after a few minutes."

"You're really not helping."

"Sorry."

I sighed, pulling my hands out of his and sinking down on the edge of our bed. We had discussed our plans that morning before Edward had left to go hunting; he had talked it over with Carlisle one final time and I knew he had Alice watching the future. Everything that could have been prepared had been; it was only a matter of Edward sinking his teeth into my neck and setting a timer for seventy-two hours.

"How do you want to do this?" I finally asked when Edward refused to move from his spot in the doorway. I saw the hesitance written all over his face; it was as if he knew that once he stepped through the doorway, there was no going back. I personally thought we had gone down the rabbit hole a long time ago, but I kept that to myself. What was about to happen was of momentous consequence and it wouldn't be fair to push Edward. We were about to have forever to be together; if he needed an extra hour for us to get there, so what? I resisted the urge to speak again, waiting for him to come to me.

He remained silent, but he left his post by the door. He stopped directly in front of me, reaching for the tie of my robe still without saying a word. Leaning down, he pressed feather-light kisses across my forehead and along my cheeks, gently sliding the robe off my shoulders. He caressed my skin as he went, dropping kisses everywhere his mouth fell. We had been so consumed by our passions since we had come to Italy, reveling in the new privacy of having the estate to ourselves, that we had not taken it as slowly, not even once, as Edward was now. There was nothing hurried in his movements, nothing urgent about his touch as he pulled me to my feet and discarded my robe.

I tangled my fingers in his hair as he lifted me into his arms, walking around to the side of the bed where he could easily lay me back down. Slipping out of his underwear, he climbed onto the bed beside me and continued to explore every inch of my skin. It was as if he were committing it to memory.

The thought stopped me short, a tremble in my voice as I finally whispered, "Are you still going to want me? You know, after?"

My question stopped him short. I flushed deeply when I saw the hurt spread across his features and the way his jaw tensed. "Bella, why would you say such a thing?"

"You just seem…like…it's stupid. Never mind."

"It is _not_ stupid, Bella. I just do not understand. Please explain."

"You're…you're being so… gentle. I mean, not that I don't like it, I do, and I love you. But you seem like…like you're sad that this is the last time you can touch me and I'm…warm. And soft." I could feel tears brimming in my eyes as the words rushed out. _This isn't going at all how I thought it would_.

Edward pulled himself up onto his elbows, his face inches from mine as he looked down on me. He reached forward, wiping away the stray tears that had escaped. "Bella, that is not the truth at all. The truth is…well, the truth is a bit nonsensical." Edward sounded embarrassed as he said the words, which was odd to say the least. It was very rare for Edward to be embarrassed about anything. "Bella…I just thought…later, it is going to be bad, for you. And it is going to be my fault. I wanted…I wanted to show you how much I love you and to make you feel…good…before that."

He took a deep breath once the words were out, his thumb caressing my cheek. "You will always be warm and soft to me. Once you are changed, my skin, it will not feel cold to you like it does now. The only thing you will lose is your heartbeat. As much as I have loved listening to it while you sleep, there is a part of me that will be relieved. I have never stopped being tempted by you, Bella. It has always been in the back of my mind, no matter how far back it has been pushed."

"Are you saying I won't tempt you anymore, once I'm changed?" I asked with a smirk, running my fingertips down his spine. He shivered, the serious expression on his face softening. His eyes darkened, the smoldering look I knew well slowly replacing the worry.

"You will always tempt me, Isabella Marie Cullen."

"I love the way that sounds."

"Your name?"

"Yes. I love you saying it, with _our_ name at the end." I brought my left hand up to his cheek, my ring glinting in the moonlight. Edward settled his weight back down on top of me, reaching for my left hand with his own. I watched while he wove our fingers together, the metal of the rings clinking quietly sending a twinge of delight racing through me.

He watched me for a long moment before pressing his mouth against mine. We lay pleasantly entangled in the middle of the bed that way for what could have been minutes or hours. It had been a long time since we had been able to control ourselves long enough to do what we were; to just kiss each other without lust taking over and quickly leading us somewhere else. I reveled in the sensation of Edward's body pressed to mine and sighed contently as he whispered his love in my ear.

Edward trailed kisses down my jaw and collarbones, pausing as his mouth hovered over my heart. He pressed his cheek to my chest, remaining motionless for a long moment before pulling himself back up. "You mean everything to me," he murmured, reaching down to tangle his fingers with mine. I let my eyes slide closed as he went back to kissing my neck, content and relaxed as a cat stretched out in a patch of afternoon sun.

A sharp pain in my neck jolted me from my blissful cloud. My eyes flew open and I realized what Edward had done; after lulling me into relaxation, and taking away my fear, he had struck.

There was no longer any time to be afraid.

Edward's fingers tightened painfully on mine as he pulled away, the gold of his eyes turning a murky burgundy. "Edward," I whimpered as the pain began to spread out from my neck, racing along my veins like wildfire. I felt like the mattress had turned into a bed of coals, as if a furnace raged beneath the sheets. I began to thrash violently, my vision blurring. In the haze, I could still feel Edward's cool touch on my hands; his fingers were still linked with mine, but everywhere his skin touched it felt like knives pressing into my skin.

I squeezed my eyes closed and I screamed.

I screamed until I managed to open my eyes and see the look on Edward's face in a moment of lucidity. The pain burned hotly throughout my entire body, but it seemed to rise in waves. Just when I thought I could handle it, just when it would become slightly bearable, someone flipped a switch and piled more logs on the blaze. Riding out one of the plateaus, I saw what my screams were doing to him.

Edward had gotten dressed at some point, but just barely. He wore a pair of jeans and nothing else, his expression drawn and frightened. His entire body was tense, guilt eating away at him. He sat next to me on the bed, silent and still, looking as though he was terrified to touch me. The only thing that moved were his lips, but what he said, I couldn't comprehend.

I snapped my mouth shut and squeezed my eyes tightly as the flames burned more fiercely. I would not scream again; as Rosalie had once told me, it did me no good anyway. The fire burned, consuming me utterly until I felt I must simply be a pile of ash in the middle of the bed, but then still, I burned.

Years later, the burning began to subside. It pulled away from my fingers and toes first, racing toward my heart with a newfound heat. The hammering of my heart drowned out any other noise, and wherever Edward was, whatever he said, it was beyond me. My heart raced like it had never before, beating like a hummingbird's wings. I was certain my ribs would break if the fire within had not burned them down to ash.

And then it stopped.

I opened my eyes slowly, terrified of what I was going to find. Was the estate gone? Had it burnt to the ground around me? Where was Edward?

"Bella," he breathed from beside me, his face lighting up as my eyes fell on his. I noticed his eyes were still darker than usual, a faint maroon tint to them. I remembered what he had told me about my own eyes and dreaded looking in a mirror.

As I turned to face him, I drew in a sharp breath. Edward had always been beautiful to me, but with my new eyes, it was as if I had been blind. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair, and then without warning, I was doing just that. I laughed aloud, both delighted and surprised by my actions; my laugh sounded like tinkling bells, even to my own ears.

I noticed a spark in Edward's eyes right before delight spread across his features, his own laugh rumbling up from his chest. "Bella, that _hurt_." He reached up and grabbed my hands in his own, squeezing them tightly, tighter than I believed he had ever dared to before. I barely noticed the pressure, only the softness of his skin, the delicious warmth of his hands in mine. A thrill went through me as I suddenly realized Edward would never be afraid of breaking me again.

"You are perfect, Mrs. Cullen," he murmured as he leaned down on the bed, running his fingers along my waist. It was then that I realized he had dressed me at some point, but only in one of the thin nightgowns Alice had packed. Yet I could still feel his touch through the thin fabric and I shivered in sheer delight.

"There is nothing in this world more perfect than you, Edward," I told him as he leaned his mouth closer to mine. I barely got the words out before he was kissing me, his lips devouring mine. I kissed back with everything I had, surprised when his lips gave under mine. My eyes snapped open at the shock and he chuckled quietly as he watched me.

"I told you," he said quietly, but every syllable rang with happiness. His eyes shone with a pure joy I realized I had never seen before; it was only then that I realized he had always carried a slight hesitance with him.

But not anymore. And if I had anything to do with it, never again.

AN: First off, many thanks to Pied Piper for doing the pre-read on this. Your advice was invaluable. A huge thank you to everyone who has been there along the way with "Two Forks". I have read every review and every PM and I love you all for it.

"Two Forks" has made the final round of Indies for best WIP Love Triangle. I am shocked that so many people love this story that much and completely delighted. The final round of voting starts 3/15, and while I'm already over the moon to have made it this far, I would love for you to vote for me.

Fin.

Update: I'm going to action off an out take from Two Forks for The Fandom Gives Back. I'm up for pretty much anything that could/did happen in the framework I've built. Any POV is fine. www(dot)thefandomgivesback(dot)com


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